I put it in the "all of the above" kind of sphere. Sure, lying is a way to avoid conflict....And that the conflict avoidance thing is really just the surface. I don't like conflict either, but I'm not a habitual liar (overt or by omission).
Like SteadyChevy says, secrets and emotional intimacy are incompatible. Which leads me to - why is the liar unable to be emotionally intimate? And that's where, for me, attachment comes into play.
I also agree with Catwoman that it becomes a form of control.
Given the deets of my WH's infidelities, I think the secrets were equally - if not more - important than the ego kibble or sex... a song that goes something like:
- I avoid any conflict, which allows resentment to build and become the fertile soil to entitlement. Why not just lie and say "I love that new shelf" so that there is no conflict (and no need to expend any energy coming to compromise, which ain't always easy) ... then be pissed off every time I look at that shelf.... then hold onto that resentment... which I can then use to my advantage to rationalize other bad behavior – even if I know it’s harmful to my spouse (and devastating after dday)?
- Emotional distancing and self protection/preservation, with a side of self esteem. No one - including my spouse - will know the REAL me, who is worthless. Which also allows the liar to never have to look at their "real" selves. "I am who I project myself to be" rather than I addressing the underlying sense of being worthless AND a liar/secret keeper. And so long as I'm lying/keeping secrets, I am "safe" from someone not loving me bc they see who I REALLY am (which is worthless, which is why I lie, which makes me more worthless… for those who are also adulterers, quite the Hakuna Matata, IMO).
- I control things, without having to engage in conflict or other uncomfortable behavior. Knowledge IS power, so by having knowledge that I won’t share with you, I have an upper hand / power, again, without having to engage in anything related to conflict or otherwise emotionally uncomfortable. I KNOW things that you don’t, therefore I am in control… and, bonus! That sense of power gives an ego boost that reduces the underlying sense of worthlessness.
I’m sure there are more perspectives / benefits to the liar/secret keeper. I just don’t think it’s a cut & dry as conflict avoidance, any more than I believe there is a quick "fix" to find peace in the Middle East. And, at the end of the day, my gut tells me attachment is where the fun begins!
[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:22 AM, Thursday, October 14th]