Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Triggering post on Facebook.

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 brokendollparts (original poster member #62415) posted at 2:28 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

I happened upon a post about cheating in one of my FB groups this morning. I don’t know what made me go on ahead and read all the comments but it did. As expected 99% were "leave, once a cheater always a cheater etc.." The post got to my head and I started thinking "does this man who destroyed my entire being really deserve me???" I went back through all the ways he’s shown remorse, he’s definitely not "perfect" but I had been feeling he’s put in major work to regain my trust. What if it’s all a lie and I’m just a fool? We are nearly 4 years out and it’s affair season now but I still wonder, are all those people right? Did I make the wrong choice? In my heart I don’t think I did but seeing people say "run, they don’t change" really shook me up this morning.

Me 46BS
Him 48WH
Married 25 Y
DDay #1 11/13/2017
DDay #2 1/22/2018
Attempting R since DDay #2

posts: 230   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2018
id 8692776
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 brokendollparts (original poster member #62415) posted at 2:30 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Moved to Reconciliation forum sorry. Too early and haven’t had coffee yet

Me 46BS
Him 48WH
Married 25 Y
DDay #1 11/13/2017
DDay #2 1/22/2018
Attempting R since DDay #2

posts: 230   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2018
id 8692779
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

The reality is that even if your husband were the poster child for the perfectly remorseful spouse, you still wouldn't be able to say with 100% certainty whether your husband is capable of cheating on you right now or in the future. This is the reality of choosing to reconcile and only you can decide whether it's a fact with which you can live.

I went back through all the ways he’s shown remorse, he’s definitely not "perfect" but I had been feeling he’s put in major work to regain my trust.

To address this, I suggest this exercise: Write down what a reconciled marriage looks like to you. You can write it as a list or even as a free-flowing narrative. As you're doing this, try to avoid thinking about what your marriage looks like now and what your husband is or isn't doing. After you've written a few pages, take a break from it for a day, revisit it, and make any changes.

Next, write about all the ways that your husband has shown remorse and actions he has taken to help rebuild your trust and help you heal. Again, after you've written a few pages, take a break from it for a day, revisit it, and revise.

Compare the 2 documents. In what ways does your marriage fulfill your ideal of reconciliation? In what ways does it fall short? How have your husband's actions succeeded or failed in bringing you closer to what you think of when envision reconciliation? How do you think he perceives your marriage now? How willing do you think he would be if you made new suggestions for ways you need him to help rebuild the marriage?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:09 PM, Tuesday, October 12th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 490   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8692799
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:30 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

BDP, Blue's advice is great. But I have to ask - what exactly does "not perfect" look like? Some times we get BSes who say their WS is doing just about everything they need to but when they elaborate, it's clear that their WS has not given them the truth, barely tolerates any talk of the A, isn't in IC, but what they are doing is SAYING they want the marriage and will do anything. So what is your WH DOING to prove to you that you made the right choice and how is he supporting your recovery?

posts: 5011   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8692804
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 5:09 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

IMO and IME, before you rebuild the marriage you have to rebuild the cheating spouse. Or at least, do this simultaneously. Cheating is about the cheater. They need an overhaul. Make sure they get it.

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8692813
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 7:03 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

People do change, but only if they want to, for themselves.

That being said, it's a risk. So if you choose R with a cheater, you're taking a much bigger risk than dumping them and starting fresh, because there is an increased likelihood that WS won't put the work in to change, and the extra work required on both parts to build a new relationship together.

Change is HARD. Look at all the people who struggle everyday with self improvement. Even with the best will in the world, it's hard to reprogram ourselves to deal with our baggage.

I think the people who are saying that are saying more about themselves. That they could never get over the fear and anxiety that their partner hasn't changed and become safe. That the worry would debilitate them enough that it's not worth taking on that additional risk.

A WS will always be the person who made those bad choices. Will always be the person who did X behaviour. They can't change the past. If that's too much to accept then it's better to walk away rather than keep trying to push yourself to accept something you can't.

Can they change? Sure. There are lots of examples of good R here on this board. Do the scars ever go away? I don't think so, or most people wouldn't be here.

I will admit to my bias that I would not stay with a partner who lied to me because I wouldn't be able to trust that it wouldn't happen again. The product isn't worth the price.

[This message edited by PSTI at 1:03 PM, October 12th (Tuesday)]

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 710   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8692830
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numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 9:45 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

In my heart I don’t think I did

It is natural to second guess yourself,but your R is not the same as everyone else's. If you find peace in your decision that is all that matters. It is your life and no one hut you have to live in it.

I will say people (most who have not experienced infidelity firsthand) will give a quick answer to avoid the pain they suspect is underneath. One quick comment then then move onto talking about their pets smile

When you are out of the hell that is Ring sometimes you get triggered by the memory of the most difficult time in your life. You are wary about those quick responses now as you should be.

Talk to your H about how this made you feel. You need a reminder of why you took the leap of faith in the first place. grin

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 4976   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8692847
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 10:15 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

In my heart I don’t think I did

Then who is the authority to tell you otherwise?

If I've said it once, I'll say it a thousand times--If you are not staying for any other reason than you choosing to do so(ie.--NOT staying out of fear), then your choice is the best one for YOU.

That's what matters....not what others are posting.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8692850
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