Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

General :
What to do when your gaslighted badly

default

 starmoonchild (original poster member #39117) posted at 9:19 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I've been away a long time. Had been doing well until last year when I found a phone number scribbled in the upper inner corner of a scribbler he had used years ago for work. The number was the A partner's work number that she had after they supposedly split, that he is not supposed to have known. So that was very hard to deal with and has left me wondering ever since when it ended, if it ever did. The original affair was 10 years ago now. Anyway I have noticed for the last year that his phone battery is using much more than what shows on the cell phone bill. I check mine all the time and it's always in line with the calls I make. But his battery records use for many more minutes all the time for phone calls. And the extra usage has always, always been when he's not at home. The cell bill shows me his calls and sometimes the minutes a re way beyond what he has used at all, so I think he may be using some way to call her with his phone, like an app. But he'd have to have it hidden on his phone then, cause I don't see one. Is there a way to call from his phone and not use data when he's not home? I know he's talking to someone and asked him quite some time ago if he ever deletes calls, and he said absolutely not, not even if they're from a phone solicitor. I asked him who he's talking to then and he just said nobody, I don't talk to anybody. Well, he is talking to somebody and it's beyond infuriating when I get this answer all the time. I want to know how others deal with these kinds of situations when they come up? The frustration is sometimes too hard to bear, I want to slap him upside the head or something! What to do instead?

posts: 265   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8692697
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:02 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

There are countless voice calling apps he could use on wifi.

Detailed battery usage should show all the apps he has used since the last full charge.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1386   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8692701
default

hysteria625 ( new member #79300) posted at 11:22 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

WH and EACOW use WhatsApp to communicate- text and voice.

I second checking the battery use. On an iPhone go to Settings > Battery > Last 10 Days

Take a screen shot or photo and check out anything you don’t recognize.

Good luck - hope it’s nothing for your sake.

[This message edited by hysteria625 at 11:23 PM, Monday, October 11th]

Married 25 yearsTogether 29 years1st EA = Summer 20072nd EA = Winter 2021 / Dday 4/17/21

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2021
id 8692713
default

 starmoonchild (original poster member #39117) posted at 5:20 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

To use a wifi calling app, it would show on his phone as an app downloaded, wouldn't it. No apps out of the ordinary show on his phone. And if not, wifi needs to be close to a wifi signal, no? He makes most of these calls when he's travelling around in the car. And WhatsApp would also be downloaded, right? Is there a way to hide apps in your cell phone? I know he's calling and there's got to be a way to find out how. I am determined! Help!!

posts: 265   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8692816
default

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 5:35 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

VAR in his vehicle?

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18970   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8692819
default

CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 5:46 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

^^^ This

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 127   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692821
default

slamsunk ( new member #79303) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

My WH has google chrome and gmail on his android phone. I can go into his google settings under his profile and see what apps he has accessed and it shows what time they were accessed. Also handy is the timeline (although not always accurate locations) I’m not exactly sure how it all links up. It was set up that way by chance but I use it to check intentionally now and it also provided a lot of answers when I was researching his A and confirming timeline.

BS- me 44 WH- him 47 2 year EA 4/2021- suspicious texts- investigated/watched 5/2021- Dday of sorts- I already knew but confronted this day, TT through 8/2021

posts: 27   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021
id 8692834
default

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Have you posted this question in the Investigative Tips forum?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8692852
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

He can use apps that are hidden in his phone or he may hide them as something else like a legit app you would not be suspicious of.

Reality is if he wants to cheat he will. Cheaters find a way to make it happen.

I hope you have a plan B ready. You may need it

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692856
default

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 11:45 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

I'm no expert, but is it possible he's downloading the app when he leaves the house... then deleting on his way home?

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3428   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8692860
default

EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Hi - sorry to hear about your situation, been there and it's infuriating!!

VAR - voice activated recorder is the easy solution. Get some off Ebay or Amazon, like a USB stick - lots of choice (get ones with time stamps as it makes it easier to dissect the information) and I'd buy two so you can keep one in the car at all times. Check to see the proposed battery life. Patience is a virtue on this one but it may pay off - you'll need to try a few different places to put it, ideally as close to him as possible (under the seat or in the pocket behind the drivers seat / the back ground sound pick up is annoying!). Also use 'audacity' program on your PC or laptop to hear it, as you'll notice the sound waves, recognise where to look and saves a lot of time when researching the information. Plus you can phase out the back ground noise by using sampling - there is a good guidance notes to fully utilise the program.

Depending on what phone he has can dictate to how he's using the relevant app's. You're looking at the right things but there's something off - he could be deleting the app's on the way home etc. If it's an iphone the downloaded apps are permanently stored in his icloud - whether or not they are deleted!! Does he have a secret burner phone??? Remember, lots of app's have side gigs like chat options or even talking options - I'd photograph his app's on the phone and independently check each one online. If he has an android phone, there are options to have a completely new 'profile' under the 'secure folder'. He could have renamed it and buried it, hidden away from prying eyes - names like 'system' 'admin' etc

As you've probably guessed - it helped me to know what was really going on and thus changed my stance on my situation as informed decisions can be made!! Message if you need any further assistance.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8692922
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

To use a wifi calling app, it would show on his phone as an app downloaded, wouldn't it. No apps out of the ordinary show on his phone. And if not, wifi needs to be close to a wifi signal, no? He makes most of these calls when he's travelling around in the car. And WhatsApp would also be downloaded, right? Is there a way to hide apps in your cell phone? I know he's calling and there's got to be a way to find out how. I am determined! Help!

There are too many "vault" apps that hide/delete this information and there is no way around it, also installing then deleting will also cover tracks. It’s common cheaters simply re install pre-downloaded apps once they leave home then delete them when they get back. There are ghost files where downloaded apps can also be stored and leave no trace (if you have the time open every folder and swipe the pages just too check, forget how many blank pages you can make but you can swipe through a few before dropping an app down).. however ...

Another member already mentioned this but battery usage, that is the only place ATM where information is stored that can’t be deleted and will show app information regardless if it’s be vaulted, filed or installed/deleted. So look at battery usage for a better insight into activity. It’s not perfect but it’s a good start since waywards can’t mess with this information.

Edit: what could be happening also is he has his burner set up through his main phone so you’re seeing usage but his burner has the data. This can be done via a few ways but apps is one popular way the other is Settings>Phone>Calls and has added his burner number (that’s for iOS unsure if android is different). VAR helps when a burner is involved, I found my STBXWH burners in coat pockets, tool box in garage, spare tire rim, jack bag. They’re tricky to find and if the wayward suspects the burner is being hunted they normally take it off site and leave it at work so play it cool, don’t be in the garage at 3am every night for example nor be there without a good reason.

VAR in the car however is the way to go here. THere are good YouTube vids on how to set them up.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:36 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8692926
default

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:10 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Another vote for the VAR.

Otherwise, there are just too many "tricks-of-the-trade" to constantly decode and monitor.

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8692927
default

Buck ( member #72012) posted at 3:23 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

He could be swapping SIM cards and deleting the call history.

I agree with the VAR suggestion.

posts: 332   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2019   ·   location: Texas
id 8692929
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:30 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Buck makes a good point

He could be swapping SIM cards and deleting the call history.

Since they’re so tiny the swapped card is often kept in easy to reach places like inside the phone case, coin spots in car, wallet or a wad of blue tack somewhere in the car/garage to keep the swapped out card safe... just FYI. I never had this issue but read about this since it’s a common practice, often than not it’s inside the phone case.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:32 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8692932
default

 starmoonchild (original poster member #39117) posted at 4:46 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Thanks everyone for the input. I am confused by all of this information concerning apps and such. What I do know is that somehow he is using his phone for calling and then these calls are not showing up on the phone bills, but definitely on the battery usage. If a "vault" app is used, I assume the calls would still show up on the phone bill? He might be installing and deleting the app he's using, but that seems like it would be too much trouble for him. I have to find out how to find hidden apps, as that is probably how he's doing it. So if anyone can help me on that, please do!

posts: 265   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8693445
default

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I don’t think battery usage is a good tool to evaluate phone usage. Various reasons for that ranging from aging battery, heavier Operating Systems, memory fragmentation, bloated apps, more data…
However… go back to basics. If you think he’s communicating with her then where do you think that takes place? Chances are the vehicle, and that’s where you hide the VAR or even just "forget" your phone with some recording software running.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8693456
default

 starmoonchild (original poster member #39117) posted at 6:08 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I understand what you're saying, Bigger, but this battery usage for phone calls is always when he is not at home, never when he is. I can look at my phone any time and that usage never happens, ever. And if it always happened when he wasn't home I'd make that connection and assume it's his phone using more battery when he's out. But no, more often then not, there is no extra usage. This usage is sometimes twice a week and sometimes 3,4 or 5 times a week. But he's always out.

posts: 265   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8693469
default

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:59 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Var his car. This has been suggested multiple times and you keep going back to the app. Does it really matter if its one app or another that he is using to make his calls? I think what you're trying to find out is if your H is cheating again, or talking to some other women. Don't fret about the apps, fret about whether or not he is actively cheating. For that, just get a VAR and put it under his passenger seat and see what you find.

I think you have to ask yourself, what are you prepared to do if in fact you do catch him cheating AGAIN?

posts: 1169   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8693505
default

 starmoonchild (original poster member #39117) posted at 1:31 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Well you're wrong there, it's just that I've tried a VAR a few times and picked up only road noise. He is very, very suspicious at all times and would check for it and find it, he may have found it the other times too.

posts: 265   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8693549
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211015 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy