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Intimacy post-separation

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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 2:20 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I've been separated from my xWH for about 7 weeks, and I very badly want/need intimacy. I want to touch someone & they touch me. I want to have sex. I have not been with anyone but xWH for the last 20 years and I'm very nervous to be with anyone else.

Casual sex does not appeal to me. It scares me, actually. I don't like the idea at all. But, what am I to do? I have my kids nearly 100% of the time with no family to leave them with. I feel like it's going to be many years before I'm in a position to meet & trust someone enough to be intimate with them.

My intimacy with xWH was excellent. So good. We know each other & exactly what we like. I hate that I still want that and I feel so deeply violated by his betrayal at the same time. So many conflicting feelings.

I can take care of myself, but I want a partner so badly.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8692439
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:24 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

So many conflicting feelings.

This. It's a bitch that one needs and wants the very person who violated them with another. I hated that. For a host of reasons. But there's really not much one can do about it.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4458   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8692444
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 2:50 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

It's a bitch that one needs and wants the very person who violated them with another.

100%. It fucking sucks so much.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8692453
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hysteria625 ( new member #79300) posted at 3:12 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I've only been physically separated from WH for a week but it's been 3 weeks since we were intimate, really touched each other/had sex. We had a lot of other issues, but never in the bedroom. It was the one place I always felt closest to him. I was doing ok no contact, but talking to him today unsettled me and I miss him - even though he broke my trust and abused me emotionally and financially, I miss human touch.

I'm sorry I don't have any advise, but your not alone.

Married 25 yearsTogether 29 years1st EA = Summer 20072nd EA = Winter 2021 / Dday 4/17/21

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2021
id 8692458
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 8:19 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I was doing ok no contact, but talking to him today unsettled me and I miss him - even though he broke my trust and abused me emotionally and financially, I miss human touch.

I'm sorry I don't have any advise, but your not alone.

Thanks. Hugs to you. This is so unbelievably difficult, especially with all the conflicting feelings.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8692561
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:56 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Hey, I totally get this-and I'm a guy!

There's plenty of casual sex out there in the age of Tinder but, I missed real intimacy and tenderness. I missed love making. It made me vulnerable to love bombing from ExWW. It also made me vulnerable to rebound type hurried relationships.

posts: 666   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8692571
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tealmermaid ( new member #79075) posted at 1:12 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I feel this so much :(

My STBXH and I had amazing sex and I miss it so much. I was with him for 12 years and he was my 2nd sexual partner. I don't think I would like casual sex but maybe? I think I might get emotional/sad after. I wish I was someone that could detach and not think of sex so emotionally but I'm not I guess.

TMI - but please someone else tell me if this happens to them.. Sometimes when Im feeling sexual by myself, I have these flashbacks of our sex life, his smile, feeling his skin, him touching me, and it makes me so sad and miss him and almost crave him.

I wish that the person that hurt us wasn't the one we wanted to stop the hurt.

It's an awful place to be.

Thanks for sharing this.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2021
id 8692589
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 1:31 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Oh that passes once you've been apart from them long enough and see them clearly enough that you wouldn't hit that if you were falling down drunk at a bar at 2am and they were the only option.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4531   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8692592
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 1:32 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Seriously though, that will pass. It's super hard early on, but thank goodness this is another thing that will get better with time as long as you don't give in to it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4531   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8692593
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 10:52 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I went to meet someone within the first few weeks of my separation and we ended up being intimate. It really freaked me out for a couple of reasons. Even though I knew my marriage was over due to the XW's infidelity, I still felt like "I" was the one cheating. Secondly, it was blow to my ego for an odd reason, in 32 years of marriage, my XW never responded like this lady did, never ever, not even once. It put me in a mental state of questioning if my XW was ever really attracted to me (turns out she is gay but repressed it for most of her life).

I didn't do anything with anyone for about 6 months after that. I wasn't ready for sure and did not have intimate relations until my divorce was final. I made some friends and did fun things with them and had a few hugs along the way.

It will happen when you least expect it, but it will happen. The human touch is so important.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 10:59 PM, Monday, October 11th]

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 303   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8692709
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:45 AM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

I just had intimacy after 2 years of no sex and it was pretty amazing. I'm not sure about having a partner yet though, I'm enjoying my freedom too much laugh

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8063   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8692719
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tealmermaid ( new member #79075) posted at 2:54 AM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

I just had intimacy after 2 years of no sex and it was pretty amazing. I'm not sure about having a partner yet though, I'm enjoying my freedom too much laugh

Umm get it!! This makes me so happy for you! :) smile

posts: 18   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2021
id 8692732
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 2:26 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Big hugs

I was separated from my H twice. Once in-house, once after he moved out. I continued sleeping with him the first time, but not the second. You probably already realize this, but the first way is just going to prolong your pain. I didn't have sex for just over two years the second time. That part really sucked, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend THAT, but avoiding your ex in that department is absolutely critical to healing.

Huge hugs.

posts: 9413   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8692775
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1girlsmom ( member #63541) posted at 10:33 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Its really hard. I think being cut off from intimacy changes people, it certainly did me.
For over a year I stuffed pillows all around me because I was genuinely suffering from lack of human touch.
The last time my WH withheld information from me & I found out I moved to a spare bedroom & haven't returned. That was over 2 years ago.
I still think about how great our sex life was but I inevitably start to think, he did all that with strangers so it wasn't special at all.
It gets a little bit easier with time but it changes a person.

posts: 201   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018
id 8693213
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 3:39 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I'm so sorry you're left feeling alone and without the intimacy you desire. It's awful that it was taken from you.

But at least you're moving towards *something* real even if you can't see it yet. The alternative is that you could still be with your WS AND lonely. Keep your chin up.

Stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8693262
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 4:03 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

TMI - but please someone else tell me if this happens to them.. Sometimes when Im feeling sexual by myself, I have these flashbacks of our sex life, his smile, feeling his skin, him touching me, and it makes me so sad and miss him and almost crave him.

YES. Same. I even cry every time during my self-pleasing sessions. I hate it so much.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8693264
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 4:15 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Oh that passes once you've been apart from them long enough and see them clearly enough that you wouldn't hit that if you were falling down drunk at a bar at 2am and they were the only option.

laugh Thanks, I appreciate that. I am definitely gaining more clarity as time goes on here (it's been almost 2 months since he moved out), and seeing this situation more & more for what it really is. It fucking hurts, too. He threw away me & our kids for homewrecking whores. He didn't protect us, he didn't choose us, he didn't keep us safe, he didn't love us. He says he wants to NOW, but... too little too late.

Hey, I totally get this-and I'm a guy!

There's plenty of casual sex out there in the age of Tinder but, I missed real intimacy and tenderness. I missed love making. It made me vulnerable to love bombing from ExWW. It also made me vulnerable to rebound type hurried relationships.

I can understand it making you vulnerable to the love bombing. I have to be conscious of that as well.

Secondly, it was blow to my ego for an odd reason, in 32 years of marriage, my XW never responded like this lady did, never ever, not even once.

That sounds rough, I'm so sorry! It's such a vulnerable position to be in with a new person.

I just had intimacy after 2 years of no sex and it was pretty amazing. I'm not sure about having a partner yet though, I'm enjoying my freedom too much

Nice! Good for you! I keep hearing people say how much they come to love their freedom, and I'm hoping I get there someday.

Big hugs

I was separated from my H twice. Once in-house, once after he moved out. I continued sleeping with him the first time, but not the second. You probably already realize this, but the first way is just going to prolong your pain.

Thank you for the hugs. Back at you. Yes, I did the same, and each time it was so painful emotionally. sad Since he's moved out I haven't been intimate with him (not even a hug).

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8693266
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 4:21 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Its really hard. I think being cut off from intimacy changes people, it certainly did me.

Absolutely. And not only physical, but emotional intimacy. He was totally emotionally unavailable all these years and it's so damaging.

I still think about how great our sex life was but I inevitably start to think, he did all that with strangers so it wasn't special at all.

This is exactly what I think about as well. He swears it was different with me because he actually loved me rolleyes but it doens't make any difference to me. He still did it. And I do not feel loved.

But at least you're moving towards *something* real even if you can't see it yet. The alternative is that you could still be with your WS AND lonely. Keep your chin up.

Thanks. That's what's keeping me going right now. I'm moving forward, even if I don't know what I'm moving towards yet. I at least know I'm moving AWAY from pain & heartache & abuse.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8693267
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