Newest Member: Armyman9196

Off Topic :
I think my son may have to go to jail for many years

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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 1:25 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

...and I’m not sure this is a hill I can climb.

I don’t even know all the facts, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. But if I am reading him right, and interpreting the bits and pieces that I am hearing from him correctly, he actually tried to rob a bank.

He told me that his lawyer told him that he could get 8 to 10 years if they could prove that he was armed. And more like 2 to 5 years if he was not armed. I don’t even know if he was armed. This is something that happened years ago. Until last night I was under the impression that it’s because he took a bogus check that he says he got in the mail to the bank to cash it and they refused to cash it and kept the check. But now I’m getting the impression that there was more to it.

My first focus is on my son...that means he will be perhaps middle aged when he gets out. He will miss years and years out of his baby’s life. (This happened before the birth of his son.). He has been in a terrible place lately. When he is angry or upset he curses me and tells me the many ways I have been a bad mother, and how I am responsible for all of the mistakes in his life… Well, mostly the ones with his relationships. And when he is in a better place mentally and emotionally, he sobs and tells me what a good mother I was and how he could never repay his father and I, and that he’s so dissatisfied with his life. But even though I’ve offered to pay for it, he won’t see a counselor.

I have to selfishly admit that this is a hill that I don’t think I can climb. I am getting older, and if he is convicted, I could possibly never see him in person again. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t see his dad again either.

Court is it for another 2 to 3 weeks. I want him to go to court, because no matter the consequences, I want him to be able to have a fresh start at some point in his life. Not to mention, I would love not to have to pay $19,000 bond money if he doesn’t show. But wouldn’t you think, If someone bailed out of jail for a charge like possible armed robbery of a bank, that the bond would be far more than $20,000?

I’m trying very hard to hold it together. I’ve been eating nonstop all day because I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. Trying to figure out how to go about my life if my baby it’s going to be in jail possibly for the rest of my life.

Please pray for us… If you pray.

And in lieu of prayers, please send all of the positive energy you possibly can.

Thank you.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:26 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Oh nooooo crying .

I have no words that could be adequate at a time like this...but you will definitely be in my prayers🙏.

(((BIG HUGS)))

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5616   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:29 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Praying for you and your family.

(((WR)))

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2467   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8692327
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:54 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Did this happen some years ago?
Has your son been straight since?
If there is even doubt about if he was armed or not then I’m guessing a non-violent crime.
Tried – I’m guessing non-successful.

Is there any way to get a plea-bargain? Like minimize (or even avoid) jail-time in lieu of probation, community service and such? For the DA it’s often an issue of being able to tick a case down as won more than it is about the actual sentence.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9933   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 7:05 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

WhatsRight,

Keeping you and yours in my prayers.

Pp

BS Fwh

posts: 3061   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8692347
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 11:46 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Bigger...

This particular son was born addicted to crack cocaine. Adopted at two days old. Biracial in an otherwise all white family.

Lots of acting out. Always in trouble at school. Lots of drug use. Sold it. Stole H’s van and went out job riding at 14 or 15. Was arrested. Went to juvenile detention. Sent him to a wilderness program for 5 months or so. Didn’t really take. Kicked out of "alternative" school (using and selling drugs) and finally graduated high school from a community learning program.

Took my van and my husband‘s pain medication after a serious surgery. I called the police and they found my van parked in a nearby Walmart. When they were getting him out of the car to… I guess… arrest him, he ran. Thank God all of my H’s medications were still in the van. Lived somewhere else away from home because I don’t allow somebody running from the law to live in my home.

Came home and my police officer nephew talked him into turning himself in. Multiple problems with the law. Worst was breaking into a clinic and stealing a prescription pad, then writing a script for oxy. Pharmacist knew it was bogus and when he went back to pick it up cops were waiting for him. Did several months in jail for that.

Blew off probation. Moved in with girlfriend in nearby city. Girlfriend got pregnant. Son was shopping on Christmas Eve for his family and a patrol car was behind him at a red light. He panicked and took off. Wrecked his car. Lucky to get out of it alive. They found a gun under the front seat. He told me it wasn’t his, but later said that he had it because they lived in such a horrible part of town that he was trying to protect his family.

Charges in that city still pending. Finished probation from out town. Living life right. In a great place with new son. Then got pulled over for cutting somebody off too close, and they found the charges about the bank on his record.

I know you didn’t ask for all that, but it is the truth. As I read it over and over again, I can’t believe the picture it paints.

I was raised in a very conservative family. Faith a very important part of my life. Never drank, never smoked, never tried any type of drug. Voluntarily stayed away from any acquaintances who did. Never broke a law...hardly ever broke a rule.

I guess I have not lived my life well. I am in my third marriage. He is from a backwoods, podunk place and had a very abusive father. H is disabled. Adopted 3 kids with drug/alcohol issues from birth mothers. We are 15 years out from that thing which we do not speak of in this topic. Marriage is broken. I stay as caregiver. 3 adult sons live with us. All struggle with impulse control and anger. All love their dad and resent me.

Church was my outlet to stay sane. But now I don’t go out of an abundance of caution regarding my H’s health. Don’t want to get COVID and give it to him. He wouldn’t survive.

All this is why I say I don’t know how to survive this...that my son could be incarcerated for so long...missing so much of his son’s life...and for the remainder of my life.

Can’t find a counselor that I feel comfortable with.

I have been holding everything together for so long, and I’m afraid it is all coming apart.

Don’t know how to keep holding it all together.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:45 PM, Saturday, October 9th]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 11:26 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Whatsright, I'm so sorry you have this new worry.

I have a couple of questions:

The bank charges were 2-3 years ago and has not been to court yet?

You posted a $19,000 bond on that charge for his release? If so your bond papers should show the charges or you can look them up on your state's court docket.

So now they are bringing it to litigation and he has a court date?

Does he have a public defender attorney? Sometimes they are GREAT attorneys, sometimes they are not.

Do you know if your jurisdiction has DRUG COURT? This has been a life-saving law for my area. It puts the accused out of regular court into DRUG COURT where there is a chance for rehabilitation of the defendant with lots of strict rules but it keeps them out of the over-crowded prison system, especially in the time of Covid.

Things could be more complicated if they can prove he had a weapon so I hope that's not the case. Drug court usually doesn't take on cases where the accused has been violent with a gun or other weapons.

Keep your chin up. The court systems are clogged and slow - and jails and prisons overcrowded. But he sure needs some help, that's for sure. YOU can only do what you can do -- you are just one person. A caring, loving mother. I have sat with several mothers outside a prison while their children are being executed. Mothers are always THERE and fighting for their children to the end.

One suggestion I would have for you is to write a document about your son's issues from birth until now and include medical issues, FTS, all of it. Make a plea for HELP for him since he has a young son. Try to keep it down to two pages. Do NOT send this to the judge but send to his attorney AND the prosecutor. The judge will see the document as part of the record. I've seen many judges swayed by mothers, to get help for their children - even adult children.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 2865   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 11:28 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

And I meant FAS - not FTS. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 2865   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8692409
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 2:51 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Thanks...I will definitely do that.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8692506
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

I'm confused. If he was stopped for a routine traffic violation and they found they had an outstanding warrant for his arrest (it could be for bail violation, failure to appear, probation violation or an arrest warrant), then yes, they would have taken him into custody. If he was arrested at the traffic stop, it was because he was on police radar. But you seem unclear as to what he is charged with. And what he is charged with has a huge impact over how much jail time he may be facing.

You have mentioned an attorney. Is this a public defender or a private attorney? Can you go with him to meet with this individual and figure out what's going on? Not that you have to do anything about it, but knowledge is power.

You infer you posted bail, but you don't know for what offense?

This is all very confusing. It sounds like it might be a habitual offender issue, but I can't be certain. I would recommend you talk to your pastor in confidence.

Without understanding what is really going on and what sorts of charges are in play, I am at a loss to give you any guidance.

At some point, we have to let our adult children make their choices and reap their consequences. I think you're there.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32945   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8692839
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 8:43 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

Oh, WR. I am so very sorry.

It's ok to be done. It is. There is a limit to the load that anyone can carry, and you've been over that line for a long time now.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2066   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8692841
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:53 PM on Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

(((WR))). This is so much. You did so much for so many. Your heart is so large and generous. Please take care of you.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8692842
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

I have been holding everything together for so long, and I’m afraid it is all coming apart.

Don’t know how to keep holding it all together.

I am so sorry this is happening. I hope that you can find n outlet like church that will help you during this time. Can you talk to your church leader to see if they suggest an alternative? My church meets daily for a shorter time than normal services, and there are much fewer people.


Wishing you strength.

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8692883
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:04 PM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

Hey WR— how are you doing?

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8694890
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 8:33 PM on Sunday, October 24th, 2021

Yes, Whatsright - how are you? Any outcome to this legal issue with your son yet?

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 2865   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8694898
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:23 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

WR

Three points:
First: I see you worry a lot about "what if’s". There is so much in this story that you don’t know and are guessing at. I have a feeling this is so serious that even if you had the truth you would have more than enough to worry about. But I’m also very certain that you could add to that boatload of worry by having things that are NOT relevant. The truth is what it is. It won’t go away so it’s better to have it all on the table and then deal with it, rather than hide some of it or to load the table with extra might-be issues that shouldn’t be there. You would gain a lot of peace by simply knowing what you are dealing with – even if that turned out to be all the things you are imagining.

Second: At some point his issues are not your issues. This is possibly one of the hardest parenting issues we learn. At some point if he isn’t willing to talk or share then you have done what you can do and that’s it. We can offer all the help we can, but at some point they have to accept and utilize the help.

Third: All we can do is offer them the best we can. I have a step-son who battled addiction. His biological dad is an alcoholic and alcoholism is rampant in that family. It’s also present in my wife’s family and mine, albeit not as prevalent. Neither my wife nor I have issues with alcohol. We have given our kids a comparable upbringing and yet this boy is the only one dealing with addiction.

It's taken it’s toll – he’s sober now for quite a number of years – but maybe the hardest part for us was letting him go and embracing that it wasn’t our upbringing that made him go that way.
It’s not a given that he would be an addict. Not anymore than it was a given that your son would have issues. But what family and genetics can do is indicate what the odds are of becoming an addict. My step-son’s odds were probably worse than my other kids, simply because of genetics, but probably better than if his dad had raised him. We take parts in all sorts of lotteries and games with crappy odds – in this case he simply lost through no fault of ours.
It's not your fault or of reasons to you that he started using. It’s despite your efforts. Big difference.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9933   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8694962
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 10:05 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

I'm so sorry WhatsRight.

Trying to figure out how to go about my life if my baby it’s going to be in jail possibly for the rest of my life.

When my kids were basically refusing to speak to me due to their mother's parental alienation activities... I had a similar-ish problem.

And basically... I decided that I would love them no matter what as best as I can.

You can't control what goes on in his life and in the courtroom. You can control whether or not you love him and how you treat him. So, support and love him all that you can. I promise that he'll need it if he goes to prison.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5120   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8695022
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