Newest Member: Withoutloveinthedream

Reconciliation :
When things get easy again

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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 7:02 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I feel like sometimes we only post when bad stuff happens, or at a specific interval (X years since D-day) to give some high level update on healing. I wanted to do something a bit different and just describe what I've notice in my M with my fWW recently. Try to get some information out there that isn't just complaining, venting, or trying to problem solve.

After a long struggle in limbo and a difficult start to real R, things have been pretty smooth. We have discussed the A here and there, and had a very good conversation about it over drinks. About the damage it caused, the feelings, what we still feel. My wife apologized again, and thanked me for my persistence in sticking around. She thanked me for "letting her" go on a girl's trip (upcoming). I still wouldn't call it giving or not permission, but simply put I said something along the lines of, "I don't think you are going to do anything, it doesn't even give me anxiety like some other things you have done before." She said she understands I'm not concerned, but that I would right to be concerned if I was, and just thanked me again for sticking with her. She also thanks me when I tell her the truth about what I feel even when it is negative. This has been a big breakthrough compared to the defensiveness I encountered frequently after the A.

For example, she has been working long hours, it doesn't really cause me anxiety related to the A, but we have been able to discuss that without getting it entangled, which was an issue before. We would bring any little thing up and it would get connected back to the A. We can basically treat these types of discussions as something other than make or break issues. It seemed like for a long time any complaint in either direction would end up almost discussing D (very early on I had posted a question asking when minor issues could go back to being minor, and I think I'm there now).

We have also been good about going on dates. We tried a new restaurant a few weeks ago and had a lovely time, discussing future plans, vacations, and life. We went to an Oktoberfest (outdoor, proof of vaccination required) which was really nice. It rained on us and we stopped for some soup before going home. We really do enjoy each other's company. Intimacy frequency is back to normal and quality is up after a lull I had described a few months ago.

Overall, it feels a lot like the ease I felt in our M before the A. The slightly weird thing about it though, is that after all the work, and effort, and teeth pulling, and foot dragging is that the relief is almost like an eerie silence after being at a concert or something. I'm not sure how to describe it. I wouldn't call it the POLF. I'm content and comfortable. I'm getting along well with my wife, kids are doing well, and work is going well.

This lack of fatigue in real life caused me to want to try to take a break from the forums, since it was starting to be the only time I would think about infidelity. I would get angry, especially in JFO, and I didn't know if it was something I could or should keep returning to. This ultimately felt a little too much like rugsweeping the last of my feelings on the topic about it. Plus, you have all helped me so much and I want to continue to pay it forward.

So that's my little update for today. Thank you all for the help along the way. I wouldn't be where I am emotionally without you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

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id 8689754
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:56 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thanks for the positive update. You will find that many positive threads don’t get the attention that the complaining, venting problem solving threads do. A lot has to do with how people relate. A lot of people doing well in R ride off in the sunset, when I was struggling through R I didn’t feel I should comment on positive threads, I need to stay in my lane. Taking a break from JFO is always helpful, it triggers a do-over wish in me and I can get frustrated.

My wife apologized again, and thanked me for my persistence in sticking around.

My W apologized hundreds of times. But when she thanked me for not giving up on her and letting her prove herself, it was better than 1000 apologies. This also showed me she was starting to get it.

the relief is almost like an eerie silence

Yes, it’s like “shouldn’t I be doing something here?”

Sounds like you and your W are well on you way. Best Wishes.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8689859
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 8:12 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thanks for the update. I'm very happy for you.

IMO, R and M and life are all processes for resolving issues that come up. In R, issues around affairs are the ones that come up. As those issues get resolved, M and life issues call for attention. You may be experiencing what I think of as 'R morphs into M.'

I think 'flatness' comes in because more adrenalin flows with R issues than with M and life, and switching to M/life issues feels like a letdown without the adrenalin. That sort of flatness is a Good Thing, I think. 'Lethal flatness', OTOH, probably is not a Good Thing.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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id 8689897
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 8:48 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Glad to hear things are going well!

We have bouts of normalcy, or a new normal I should say, and then lizard brain usually kicks in. Im not sure if it’s a protective mechanism, or my own pride, but I don’t allow many good days in a row without throwing in his face all the shit he’s done to me. It’s nice to see you are able to enjoy those good days with your wife. I hope to get there someday soon.

Tanner’s right, positive posts don’t usually get much attention. I still haven’t put my finger on why exactly that is, but find it interesting.

Keep up the good work!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

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id 8689900
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 9:43 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thanks for the kind messages.

"shouldn’t I be doing something here?"

Excellent description of the feeling.

I think 'flatness' comes in because more adrenalin flows with R issues than with M and life, and switching to M/life issues feels like a letdown without the adrenalin. That sort of flatness is a Good Thing, I think.

Good insight, thanks.

We have bouts of normalcy, or a new normal I should say, and then lizard brain usually kicks in. Im not sure if it’s a protective mechanism, or my own pride, but I don’t allow many good days in a row without throwing in his face all the shit he’s done to me.

I used to have "outbursts" but to me I was consistently feeling these negative feelings. It actually helped a lot in the transition from limbo to R to just be much more open about any negative feeling I had at the time. It makes me seem much more consistent from an external observer's perspective (importantly to my wife), and not like I was blowing hot and cold.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8689907
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Instead of making a new thread, I thought I'd update this one.

My wife is going on a girls' trip. This is genuinely not a problem and doesn't cause me any anxiety. In a demonstration of empathy on the ride to the airport we rehashed a little about the A and why I wasn't worried. My wife talked about feeling stronger in her boundaries and asking herself if she would do the same thing regardless of whether I was there or not. She showed that she really got it and was much more concerned how her trip could make me feel than she has been about previous actions. Actions that I specifically told her I didn't like and she did anyway.

She hasn't seen her friends since before COVID. On the last trip with them it was right in the middle of the A and when my father passed away. So going to see them again pulled up some feelings from both of us. But they weren't overwhelming.

I'm happy with my M, I'm happy with my fWW's progress in R. I think we are going to be ok.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8692231
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 5:01 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Thanks for the update TIF. Glad to hear it. One of the reasons your fWW’s boundaries are better probably has to be because she knows you will leave without hesitation should she pull any more stunts.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

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id 8692243
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:02 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

I'm happy with my M, I'm happy with my fWW's progress in R. I think we are going to be ok.

That’s great, It’s nice when they have those ah ha moments. My W is going away on a girls trip this weekend also. With our grown daughter and 2 granddaughters, I won’t have any anxiety about it. I’m looking forward to a little break honestly.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8692256
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 6:17 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Thanks for the update TIF. Glad to hear it. One of the reasons your fWW’s boundaries are better probably has to be because she knows you will leave without hesitation should she pull any more stunts.

Correct.

That’s great, It’s nice when they have those ah ha moments. My W is going away on a girls trip this weekend also. With our grown daughter and 2 granddaughters, I won’t have any anxiety about it. I’m looking forward to a little break honestly.

It'll be a bit of a break in some ways. Plus there is a certain video game coming out today, and I won't mind not being hounded about playing it for hours on end while being a lackluster parent that allows my kids to also play some games for hours on end....

But then there are also a lot of extra-curriculars that I'm going to have to run the kids to singlehandedly that will be a bit of extra effort. Overall, I will miss her.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 7:35 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

I’m glad you are in a better place together. Did you discuss how she will make you feel safe this weekend? You may not need things like checkins and pictures. But it would be good if she offered.

Hopefully these were friends of the M while she was having the A and did not encourage it in anyway.

Watch the friends social media. Just a suggestion.

I wish you well and peace of mind.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3203   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8692270
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 10:32 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

I’m glad you are in a better place together. Did you discuss how she will make you feel safe this weekend? You may not need things like checkins and pictures. But it would be good if she offered.

Hopefully these were friends of the M while she was having the A and did not encourage it in anyway.

Watch the friends social media. Just a suggestion.

I wish you well and peace of mind.

One of them was always a good friend of the M, one of them was part of the "nest of vipers" situation I had to deal with as "captain infidelity". I now consider them both to be friends of the M.

She is offering pictures and check ins, but more just because she wants to talk about what she is doing with her friends to me, than to give me specific reassurances that nothing nefarious is going on. As I said before, I really don't have any anxiety about this trip, so the extra reassurances are nice, but pretty unnecessary for me in terms of emotional safety.

I don't personally have social media, but I have full electronic transparency with my wife. So I can look at their stuff that way if I feel like it. No big deal.

Thanks for the well wishing.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:34 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Glad to hear a great success story.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:50 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

I hope this isn’t the type of trip where the ladies will go to a bar or club where there is dancing and they’ll dance w other men. I’ve seen far too many stories of that being a part of GNO or Girls weekend and honestly I just don’t understand it, even before infidelity. But after cheating it should never be a thing.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 11:02 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

There will doubtlessly be a great deal of drinking. But there is no plan for going "clubbing" or "dancing". It's a more remote location where the activities will mostly be hiking during the day, then going back to the rental house to drink and chat, rinse and repeat for a few days.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

How did the girls weekend go?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 7:36 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

The girls' trip is ongoing. It is pretty much a whole week, she returns in a few days. She has been enjoying catching up with her friends.

I have been having regular video chats with my wife and things have mostly been good. She hurt herself on a trail run, and she spiraled on her overall bodily health. I tried to be supportive but may have come off as passive aggressive. I suggested she could have her own food, "Baked chicken breast and roast broccoli for every meal" and the boys and I could have something else. So I'm not exactly excited for the dietary restrictions she is proposing when she returns. Basically nothing that tastes good.

Nothing to worry about.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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 This0is0Fine (original poster member #72277) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

The girls' trip is over. I did miss my wife (though not a whole lot, should I have missed her more?) especially in the evening when it would have been nice to cuddle by the fire after the kids went to bed.

When she got back, I was expecting to probably feel a little more relief, but I guess since things weren't too bad there wasn't much of a feeling of relief. Plus she came back wanting to implement all the dietary restrictions. Which is fine, I'll figure it out and just lose even more weight myself. No super excited about it, but that's ok.

We had a discussion about "Amazing" people. And maybe she was trying to pull something out of me. I'm not dense and I immediately connected it to her previous desire to be "something amazing". She talked about a few of her friends that stood out to her, that also unfortunately died young. Said they really just lived life and were amazing. She asks me "Don't you ever just find some people amazing?" The honest answer is no, but I didn't want to be a buzzkill. So I tried to frame up the answer in a way that wasn't such a debbie downer, and she just says, "No, you don't." Which is right. So I said, "Yeah, you're right. I don't know if I'm just an asshole or what, but people are just people. We are all unique and special and different." She kinda huffs and just says, "You're not an asshole, you just are who you are and it's ok you don't see things the same as me."

We laid there for a bit just looking at each other. She got up to brush her teeth (I already had) and so I snuggled up under the covers to go to sleep.

She came back and laid down and asked, "You still love me right?" I said back "Yes, I love you" then we went to bed.

She got up early and made coffee in the morning, which was nice because usually I do that. Came back to bed and cuddled and told me, "You are the best. Thank you so much for the girls' trip. I would have understood if you didn't want me to go, but it was actually easiest for me to get the support from you for time away from the family out of all the girls. X had to practically beg her husband for months, and Y had to fly in her MIL to help, I love you."

Overall, I'm glad she is back and had a good trip.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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