Why didn't she just divorce me - can't understand it?
What you are wonder is when you ask this question is if she didn't love and value you, why did she stick around? I have been asking myself the same question over and over again about my deceased WH and this is what I came up with:
*Financial reasons. If he would have divorced me, he would have had to pay spousal and child support. Would have pretty much broke him.
*He didn't want to break up the comforts of home.
*Cake eating. He had two women fighting over him.
*Selfishness. He didn't want any other man to have me.
In my opinion, none of the reasons were about love. He didn't love me because love doesn't look like that.
*Fear. He was afraid to go it alone. And he was afraid to be alone.
*Insecurities. Today I realize how insecure he really was.
*Reputation. He used me and the kid's to paint a life of perfection that didn't exist. He didn't want others to know the truth about who he was, so he used us for his gain.
Ego. I think this ties into everything above. Very fragile ego apparently.
My thoughts are if you are strong enough, dump her ass. She doesn't deserve you.
I wasn't strong enough to leave my WH and he knew it which meant a lot more hell for me.... until he passed away.
Let me tell you, the revelations kept coming in on a daily basis at first. It's almost like a light turned on after his passing.
Just like you are beginning to see with your WW, he cheated on me throughout our whole marriage. Apparently he felt entitled to have some fun on the side while his loving, trusting, dutiful wife happily waited for him at home. I can only laugh about this today. Lol
*Trusting. She knew how trusting you were and she took advantage of this.
I'm going to bet that there are more men out there that she had some kind of relationship with. In this kind of situation, I would have a hard time believing that it was only these two other men.
*Just to let you know, my DWH got on his knees crying, begging me for forgiveness, telling me it was only two separate occasions with one other women. Telling me how much he loved me and I was his true love. He even said these "words" on his death bed while flirting with the nurses.
My advice to you, keep digging. Try to get to the truth as much as you can. Mine lied through his teeth all the way up to his death. He thought he was going to take his dirty little secrets to his grave. But one gift he did give me before his passing was all of his apologies and hinting around about the truth of who he really was. I was able to put it all together after his death.
If I were strong enough in all ways and with the knowledge and strength I have today, I would have separated myself from him and let him be him and me be me. And allow him to stand up on his own two feet and not use me for the comforts of a home life and a shield. He used me and I paid dearly just as you are paying for her lies and deceit. Sorry, I just don't think she can give this lifestyle up just like that. This is ingrained in her... probably something from childhood caused this behavior of hers.
At first I felt like you do as I found out the real truth of who he was... the revelations kept coming and coming and the shock and pain would literally floor me!
It's been over a year since my WH passing and I can tell you that there is hope for healing and finding a new life because I am beginning to live it.
Still have down days but it is to be expected. Still feel sad of who he was and the way he used me and the kid's for his sick gains and lifestyle. But this was on him now. He is the one who chose this lifestyle, just like your WW has done. I was just his pawn. And honestly today I am good with it because I realized it wasn't me. As I have said before, I was his trusting, loving wife who waited at home for him while he had his play dates with these other women, just as you were her loving and trusting husband. Trust especially is the key word here. You trusted her and she used your vulnerability to exploit her.
At this point I feel that it is still too early to think about having another man in my life but my brother said something to me that makes complete sense. Maybe my deceased WH was not my soulmate, never was. My soulmate in life may still be out there. I can believe that. And mayne your WW was never your soulmate either.