Newest Member: username3016

General :
Struggling

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Felix12306 (original poster Member #78827) posted at 9:09 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I am struggling so bad right now. I cannot see a light at end of this tunnel. He is doing alot of things right. Going to IC and being supportive and answering any questions I have. My anxiety is terrible. It doesn't feel like this is something I will ever get past. I don't look at him the same anymore. My whole life feels like a lie. I'm am physically not okay, everything hurts. I think I am just looking for words of encouragement, that this does get better. It's been four weeks since I found out it was physical, almost six months since I first found out about her.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 102   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8676608
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 11:51 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Time does help, but your WH has to do the heavy lifting and show you he is truly remorseful and can become a safe partner. I know the pain is awful, but try to focus on yourself. He should understand your need to step back and evaluate what you ultimately need. I know I got to the point that I told my WH that I just didn't care anymore and it was his loss. That seemed to make him realise what he had to lose. Again, it has to be about what you need to heal.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8676619
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 Felix12306 (original poster Member #78827) posted at 12:00 AM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

I just feel so bad to not want to hurt his feelings. Idk why. He didn't care about mine. I just want a weekend away. And alone. To think and not have to worry about responsibilities.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 102   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8676621
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 1:26 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

The beginning of this journey out of infidelity HELL is so RAW...so PAINFUL . Please know that what you are feeling is normal. It HURTS...but your body and your mind are in shock...and they are adjusting to a reality you never knew existed until now. They will slowly...but SURELY...get back to some semblance of normalcy...but it is a process that ALL of us have had to go through...in our own unique way (((HUGS))).

You initially found out several months ago...but your new Dday...when you found out it was physical...has brought you back to square one in this process . You WILL get better...I PROMISE . But for now...it is a struggle. So please take care of YOU. Eat something...even if it isn't much. Hydrate...but don't drink alcohol...no matter how tempting it is to dull this traumatic pain. Take some time to focus on something that you KNOW. Work in your garden...or take a soothing bath...something that is REAL that you can relate to. Little things will add up eventually . You have started on the emotional rollercoaster ride...and it has some very SCARY twists and turns in it. But WE have all survived it...and you WILL too .

YOU KNEW Dear Lady . From your first post on here YOU KNEW that your WH and his adultery co-conspirator weren't telling you the whole truth. Don't underestimate your GUT! THIS is a reality that can help you. ALWAYS trust your GUT . It takes over when your head and your heart can't seem to grasp what is happening. You did WELL by not stopping at what your WH and the adultery co-conspirator were feeding you . One day...your gut will be CALM. So...for now...just relax and KNOW that you will one day feel that calmness.

Your story is quite impressive . You have persevered through a LOT in a short span of time! It doesn't seem like much right now...but one day you will look back and realize how FAR you have come . Having a remorseful WS HELPS to hasten your healing...especially when what they SAY corroborates with what you KNOW. ACTIONS will always go before WORDS...but words MATTER too .

If that weekend away will HELP...DO IT . NOW is the time to focus on YOU. Your children will benefit from you taking care of yourself right now. Like the analogy that is often used on here...when the air masks come down in an airplane...put YOURS on first and then you will be able to put it on your children instead of passing out from not having the oxygen. When you can start HEALING...you can help your children better . That gaping wound won't heal unless YOU take care of it. YOU are the ONLY ONE who can...BUT the good news is...YOU CAN HEAL . One step at a time...one second at a time...and soon you will see how STRONG you have been all along .

Hang in there...post as often as you need...and most importantly...take what you need from the advice given...and leave the rest . We have ALL been there...but we EACH walk our own path toward healing. Some things work for some...but not for others...and that is just FINE. The goal is to HEAL...and only YOU can decide what is BEST for YOU to get to that point .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8676674
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

I just feel so bad to not want to hurt his feelings.

This is something you need to look at within, and address. There's a big difference between deliberately hurting his feelings versus not caring if you hurt his feelings.....especially after the way you have been treated.

Compassion is one thing; codependent behavior is another.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8676713
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 Felix12306 (original poster Member #78827) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Thank you guys so much for taking the time out to reply to me. And I get what you're saying the codependent behavior. I don't deliberately want to hurt him but I know it will and that's been hard for me to do.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but just found that out on 6/18/21.

posts: 102   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8676729
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 1:57 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

There is a wonderful thread in the "I Can Relate" Forum called "Codependency and Loving Too Much" . Page 1 shows characteristics of codependents that you may find will help to define if you are codependent or not .

After reading that thread...I realized that for ME...it wasn't codependency that I was experiencing. I researched more and found that the characteristics I displayed at my core were those of being HAPPY. This helped so much in me finding my way back to ME .

It is often said on here that YOU work on you...let your spouse work on themselves...and when that is done...then you BOTH can work on your M. This was very true in MY case . I had to do what was best for me FIRST before I could deal with anything else.

I wanted to find MY "happy" again...thus my username. As it turned out...the more I healed...I found it wasn't "happy" I was missing...it was PEACE . YOU will find what you NEED as well...I can tell from the way you are reaching out . It doesn't seem like this darkness...this despair will ever end . But it does...and you will come out stronger for it. I tell you...once you reach the other side...when you are OUT of infidelity...you will see things in a whole new way...and that enlightenment feels soooooooo GOOD !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8676963
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 4:22 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I think that Want2B's post above may resonate well with you. Often times our personal traits that make us who we are and don't want to change interfere with what needs to be done.

There's nothing wrong with with being who you are, Felix. As a matter of fact, embrace it. Because when you really do, you will ACCEPT that it is okay for someone to be hurt by THEIR own terrible actions.....specifically when they walk all over yours.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8677004
Topic is Sleeping.
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