Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Blindsided

default

Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 9:18 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Making yourself a priority is remembering how you were before you met him. He wasn't necessary then, and you have to be happy and satisfied with yourself before you can risk reconciliation with a cheating partner. Right now, he's not worthy of you. Friends don't treat friends like he has much less a significant other. You know you deserve better.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8675259
default

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 12:22 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

but I did think that we had the foundation to last forever

The foundation of a relationship is trust and respect. You do NOT have that.

No kids, not married. Leave, now.

He failed the boyfriend test. If he couldn't keep his dick in his pants (repeatedly) for 3 weeks when everything is still happy-happy-joy-joy time in your young relationship, what do you think will happen when you have 2 crying, colicky kids, he's stressed from work, you can't have sex for 6 weeks because you just popped out another kid, he starts going bald and feeling all butthurt about himself and everything else in the world... etc. etc? Most of us BS are only staying because of all the baggage we share with our POSWS. As awful as this feels for you, be thankful he showed you his true colors before you had to deal with divorce, custody, splitting of assets.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8675313
default

Stayinghopefull ( member #57957) posted at 1:17 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Please do not stay with this person. You are young and have your whole life front of you. This will haunt you forever if you stay with him. If you have kids it just makes it all that much difficult. Please just go no contact and do what’s best for you.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
id 8675326
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

“If you truly loved me or truly were sorry you would be home right now instead of spending 24 hours a day with her”

Then stop talking to him. There is nothing else to say right now.

You owe him nothing right now. All he has given you is words. No action.

You have to consider if spending a life with someone who obviously puts himself first and way before your happiness is worth it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:18 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8675341
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 7:56 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

That’s the thing, we all thought we had the foundation of a forever partner, it’s why we married. Unlike you however we did not see the giant fault in the foundation until after we built the home, had the family, made memories, you, you just have the clear view of that giant crack through your foundation, now what are you going to do? Ignore it and build the home or walk away and give yourself the chance to build something great on a faultless foundation?

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8675382
default

 flowerceremony (original poster new member #79104) posted at 9:20 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Thank you all for the helpful advice. I had a great talk with a friend tonight which really reinforced what many of you are saying - cut and run now rather than give this person the chance to hurt me again.

Tonight I'm feeling at peace with the decision to leave. I'm really hoping that I can remain strong in my resolve to do so and make it through the storm that comes next with the help of my family and friends.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8675388
default

 flowerceremony (original poster new member #79104) posted at 9:20 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Accidentally double posted. Thanks again to all of you who contributed to helping me navigate this hurtful and confusing time.

[This message edited by flowerceremony at 3:22 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8675389
default

sleepylove ( member #68848) posted at 10:27 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Those who cheat before marriage and kids will most likely cheat after. I’ve been through it. It is miserable.

I have 3 kids that I love and a wife that came back to me as her plan B. She seemed remorseful for some time but that appears waning.

Please leave him and find a life partner that is safe. Stay strong.

BH 49WW 49Married almost 22 years at time of AShe had an affair Dec 2017-Feb 2018Found them together 2/2/18 Final Dday 2/23/18 Still don't know the whole truthTrying to R

posts: 173   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2018
id 8675396
default

Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 12:26 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Your posts depict a very astute young woman. The only pitfall is the upcoming arrival of your wayward boyfriend. Most likely, he will downplay what has occurred, and try to overwhelm you with pleas and promises. Do you live together? Some space apart would probably help you think clearer. Please let us know how you're doing and what you ultimately decide. There are people on this site that have chosen many paths, and wherever your decisions lead you, there is somebody on this site that can offer help and sound advice. We are all pulling for the best outcome for you!

posts: 275   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8675407
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 1:39 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Hey flower,

Do keep posting we’re here to support through it all, not just initial Dday. If you’re feeling lost, overwhelmed or want to celebrate a win, check in.

If you want to read a book, “cheating in a nutshell “ is a good one that you’ve picked yourself first, not a book to read if considering R. I found it helpful when my heart wouldn’t listen to my head. Keep your hydration up to maintain a clear head (we dehydrate fast when in shock and a dehydrated brain leads to poor decision making and inability to control emotions well), lean on all that support and you’ll survive this.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 7:40 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8675412
default

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 2:27 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Hopefully you'll get through the love bombing, "ILY so so much", "this was the biggest mistake I ever made" (before I banged her again), I could never do anything like this to you again ("can I go on this trip next year... the cultural enrichment is so deep").

Caution. Grey face. 180.

180 is all over this site... read it.

My goodness I found out you're both the very tender age of 25. A mistake at this age and you'll be reeling in a few years. When the M becomes ho hum and just an every day routine, then the A's usually really get going. You're just getting started and deserve to live without doubts about your future H.

Trust busted NEVER comes back 100%. A man who goes off and cheats on a trip since there's some hot girl should be released so he can go off to the hot girl. Maybe that's more him, the real him.

I really wish I had the wisdom and guidance from those on this site back in the day.

In the end it's your life and your decision to make. As a walking wounded, we want what's best for you and we wish you well. We will support you whenever you return no matter what decision you make.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 957   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8675423
default

SilverStar ( member #46958) posted at 4:02 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I have sons your age. Both are in relationships. As a betrayed wife and mother, were either of them to come to me with a story like yours, I'd be at their apartment at once with moving boxes ready to take that girl home to her mom and/or as far away from my son as I can get her.

BW me
WH him
2 kids
D-Day 11/11/14

posts: 455   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8675447
default

 flowerceremony (original poster new member #79104) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Thanks so much for the support, everyone. It's amazing how much comfort I've felt from this community so far.

I'm going to tell my parents and possibly a few other friends today. Not looking forward to it since I know they'll be sad for me, and furious with him, but I think all of them will also be happy that I love myself enough to walk away and start a better life for myself.

I am apprehensive about having to see him on Friday. We don't live together which will definitely make things easier, but I'm currently taking care of his cat so he's coming over to pick her up and presumably talk about things. Any advice for keeping a level head during that conversation?

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8675497
default

Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

My mind is still all over the place and I'm not sure of my tolerance for cheating yet

Honestly, if you aren't married and don't have any other entanglements, there shouldn't be a tolerance. I know a lot of us wouldn't have stuck around if we didn't have family or financial obligations.

With that said, when/if he comes over, you are going to hear a LOT of lies, half truths and ass covering. Feel free to hear him out, but the fact that he couldn't go a few days away from you without cheating speaks VOLUMES.

Please be very careful.

BH
DDay August 2018
Current situation : Still married, great at times, uneasy at others.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 451   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8675512
default

SilverStar ( member #46958) posted at 7:27 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You don't have to be there when he picks up the cat if you don't want to be. Have a friend be there while you go browse at a bookstore.

None of this is your fault, and it doesn't have to be your problem. If you do see him, don't get into it with him. He has done enough, and it's not your job to suffer so he can feel better. You owe him nothing.

BW me
WH him
2 kids
D-Day 11/11/14

posts: 455   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8675528
default

Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 8:01 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You do what you have to do. It's difficult to stay objective when so many emotions are involved. Just remember he was deceptive in his actions already and words are just words. Just remember that you were the one that honored your relationship. This is all his loss, and you deserve better.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8675537
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:37 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Do you have keys to each other’s places? If so bring the cat to his place just before he lands and text him that he/she is there and therefore he doesn’t have to come over.

If it were me, I wouldn’t meet with him. But if you do, only do it in a public place.

If he were truly aware of the destructions his choices caused, he would have flown home immediately. He thinks this is something to rug sweep easily and move on.

I highly recommend you tell him he has to live with his choices and you choose not to be with someone who can so casually give a way the most intimate parts of a loving relationship. I’d wish him well and recommend he get help thru therapy to understand how he could make such a choice.

If he promises to do so, say “great, call me when you are finished and have fixed what was broken inside you. If I’m free maybe we can grab coffee and talk, but no guarantees “

Give him back his key and ask for yours in return. Then change the locks anyway. Or do that tomorrow before he returns. Return his stuff and as for yours to be dropped at your parents place.

Then that’s it. He had sex with another woman while in a relationship with you. That is no mistake. It was a choice. And after it happened he didn’t rush home, he stayed with the woman on the trip! He has a lot of growing up to do and you deserve someone who already understands right from wrong.

If he gets his act together. And six months from now invites you into his therapists office to discuss the work he has done on himself to change his core values, then maybe you can discuss if there is a possible future. But all he can give you Friday are promises. And promises are Just words.

Until they become completed actions you have nothing but a cheating man in front of you. And who needs that.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:39 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8675684
default

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 3:27 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Stevesn said it all. If you feel like wavering re-read what Stevesn wrote.

You do not need to meet him on his time line. There is no reason for you to be there when he picks up or you drop off the cat.

He is all full of I'm sorrys for repeatedly banging his new friend while you took care of his cat like a good friend. Well, maybe the new GF can take care of the cat next time.

Dump him, and hang with your friends and family. He failed the BF test, big time.

You will be ok. Mourn the relationship for no longer than a week, then move on

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8675700
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Have a friend with you when you give the cat over, who knows he might be such a coward he sends a friend over to pick the cat up instead, but try to have someone else there, if not do NOT met him back at your place, so easy to manipulate you and worm his way back, meet outside at the curb (you can arrange for you to simply put the cat in the car and he doesn't get out) or meet in a open public space. Do NOT allow him into your space alone.

Read up on the grey rock method, implement this, it's about detachment how to cut everything he attempts down with one word answers, it's about being as interesting and helpful as a rock, really fricking amazing method to use in this situation. If he starts to talk or apologize or love bomb or lie or throw himself the biggest pity-party you have ever seen cut that shit short, be the rock, "how is this related to you picking up your cat and getting out of my life?", detachment will be key. (also moving forward a great technique to learn for dealing with difficult people or situations in any situation not just facing off a cheater, found ti has helped in a work situation recently.)

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:36 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8675701
default

 flowerceremony (original poster new member #79104) posted at 6:51 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

The only reason I think I want to talk to him when he comes to pick up the cat is to officially break up. I don't want there to be any ambiguity over the coming days and weeks where he's trying to contact me and continue "talking things over." Having a friend there is a good idea, I'll ask around.

Still feeling sort of apprehensive about the whole thing, I think just getting it over with by using the tactics and words you've all suggested will make me feel much better. I'll try to post an update tomorrow, thank you all again for the helpful advice and kind words.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
id 8675834
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210924 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy