CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 10:06 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021
Seriously, paternity test your kids.
Stevesn is correct. She has to know you are serious and that for her to not comply there will be life altering consequences. You can be the helpful husband when you go back to the campus with her and walk her through this to give her an idea of the depth of digging this will require. But then I suggest before leaving her at her folks to start the reconstruction of events that you sit her down privately and explain to her that you are in a state of life altering pain that cannot be ignored.
ETA, removed much harshness that I thought better left out.
[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 10:59 PM, July 26th (Monday)]
Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.
HappilyMarried1 ( member #77296) posted at 1:50 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021
I'm sorry but the way you have described her behavior over the past two weeks about this she I feel she knows a lot more of the details of these affairs than she is telling you.
I would tell her that she has until the trip the first of August to come clean with the information and based on her behavior and attitude since this has come out that you feel she knows more than she is letting on. If she does not come clean let her know some options you have been looking into is a polygraph test and also hypnosis has been effective in bringing up memories from long ago, but you would feel a lot better towards her if she would just come clean on her own just you and her. Best of luck!
guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:09 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021
I don't think going to college and trying to remind her of old memories will do any good. If she really doesn't remember, forcing her to remember details from 40 years ago won't do you any good.
But if she remembers and hides it, then there is again no point in forcing her to remember.
The lesser evil point is you already knew partly that she had cheated on you and admitted it years ago and had reconciled. So you are not facing a completely new situation for you. It will only expand its scope.
I think the things here that should be important to you are; if she cheated on you after the reconciliation and more recently?
And does she pretend she doesn't remember despite remembering?
These can be uncovered by asking in the polygraph.
Hesaliar ( member #62222) posted at 8:52 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021
Just 3 years ago when we were going to a marriage retreat, my wh confessed to the priest there that there was more cheating he hadn't admitted to me. The priest told him I knew enough and there was no reason for him to tell me about others. When that trickle truth finally came out, I sent that moron priest a nasty email. Not sure why they think continued lying is okay. We've left the Catholic church over this.
My d-day was around 20 years after the fact. He allegedly quit screwing around after our 3rd child. So...cheating for 6 or 7 years from 2nd pregnancy through infancy of the 3rd with 6 different AP's.
After these last 3 1/2 years, I still don't trust him. He has lost any admiration I ever had for him. Sex is sex. I regret ever marrying him. Dragging the dead elephant out of the room was way too difficult. He wanted to just burn the carcass where it was. I wanted to examine why it was there and get it out of my house. He came around when our counselors explained the damage he was causing. It wasn't enough for him to listen to me about how hurtful the deception and continued lies were. It took 2 years to get everything I wanted to know out of him.
I recommend separate IC and you should have a timeline and whatever information you deem necessary. Both of our counselors said they usually recommend not sharing names. I told them that B.S. wouldn't work for me. Bitches knew who I was, I damn well had a right to know who they were. If I found myself around any of them, I didn't want those two sharing small talk like old friends while I stood there stupidly watching. I got what I wanted. I'm done with secrets of any kind.
I tried to work through this with him but the continued d-days and lies of omission eventually wiped away my feelings for him. I don't love him. We get along.
After all these years, it's not the cheating that killed my feelings. It was the lies that he continued to be spew and the trickle of truth that lasted way too long.
If she wants to fix this, she needs to do all she can to answer your questions. The longer this admission is dragged out, the harder it will be to repair your marriage. Pull the bandaid off.
TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 2:14 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021
Davlaw625 I'm sorry you are going through this. First of all, never let anyone, especially your WW, tell you that your feelings and anger are not valid. The truth is, everyone around you is scared of you and what you might do: your wife, your kids, your in-laws and friends. They are all watching with baited breath to see what your decision will be. Your WW is running scared. She knows her number is up. She gambled hoping you would never find out, and then to her shock and amazement the person who betrayed her was herself.
That is is a special kind of crazy.
Don't let her prevaricate. Take her to the edge of the abyss and hang her over the side and let her take a good look at what divorced life will be like.
Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:52 AM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021
Don’t let the “I don’t remember, it was so long ago. It was different times of care free sex” bullshit. The betrayal is new and hurtful. It is living a lie for 40 years. Life could have turned out very differently had you known about her deliberate actions of that time. She was content to take this to her grave. She has lived a life of deception and now in retirement she throws you under the bus mentally.
Is she doing this to you so to D?
What did your lawyer say? You need a consul to know what your rights are.
One day at a time.
[This message edited by Buffer at 1:51 PM, July 31st (Saturday)]
Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:45 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021
This is a VERY enlightening post. Not only are you receiving excellent insight from others but you also will be helping other BS out as well.
One thing that stands out for me is that when you said that both you and your WW finally achieved a deep level of love, intimacy and vulnerability that you never shared in all of your years of marriage. Then BAM!!! She blows it up with the truth. Why?? Why did she choose this time in your lives to reveal who she is to you?
My gut feeling is that she felt too vulnerable with you and needed to create that chaos and friction so that she didn't have to go to that level of intimacy. Maybe it even scared her. No excuses though for her level of lies and deception.
My deceased WH was also a serial cheater throughout our marriage and he took most of his lies to his grave. But one thing that was in my favor is that he always hinted around throughout our almost 35 years together that he never was faithful and that he had many "friends" on the side.
After his death, I experienced revelation after revelation of who he really was, it was almost like a light bulb turned on. And when the shock wore off after each revelation, another truth would come to my mind.
This time period after his death (March 2020) has been very difficult to experience and accept but it has also been very freeing because I don't need to live under his cloud of lies, deceit, manipulation, rugsweeping, etc. anymore and the truth of who he really was is setting me free.
I suspect that you are like me and need to know every detail of who your WW really is to heal completely. But sadly as I have found you also will find that you will never look at your WW the same, ever again no matter what you learn on this new journey.
On a positive note, I feel that with each new day I am carving out a new life and a new happiness for myself and also realize that these issues belonged to my WH and had nothing to do with me.
Please keep coming back and posting. There is lots of experience on this site that will be able to help you to navigate this journey you never wanted to be on. And I'm also sure that you know, not everything said here will be applied to your situation.
I am sorry that you also have found yourself here...
Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 12:42 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
Hesaliar, that priest got off lightly. You should have waited for a mass walked in and punched him in the face and outed his aiding your WH deceit.
SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 9:02 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021
So sorry man, I've been married 30+, what a thing to find out in your retirement.
Nothing other than the sex wasn't good sex and she always regretted it afterwards.
This is standard cheater speak here, we see this over and over from cheaters trying to cover their ass, and it's bullshit. Sorry.
CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 6:13 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021
How are you doing? I hope hope you are doing better.
Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.
Davlaw625 (original poster new member #79093) posted at 7:06 PM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021
Things are progressing slowly. She’s dragging her feet. Mostly because it’s shameful to her and, from her perspective, it happened when she was a "different person" 40 years ago and not who she’s been since or is now. She’s sincere about working through it together. But it’s time! We will be in the same town next week. She’s agreed to ride around and try to resurrect her memory. Will see.
Thanks for all the advice. I sincerely appreciate it.
src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:39 PM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021
I truly lack enough information to make a definitive claim, but from what I have read, do not be surprised if your wife has had periodic flings throughout your marriage. People just don't stop such behavior easily. She could very easily slip up from time to time. I hope I am wrong and the only way to get some assurance that she has not behaved in this manner is to have her sit for a polygraph test. You will then have some peace of mind that she has not behaved in that manner. I also suspect she knows much more than she states. Again, cut to the chase and polygraph her.
Davlaw625 (original poster new member #79093) posted at 1:18 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
I don’t think a polygraph is warranted - yet. We’re trying to work through this amicably. We’ve had a pretty decent 40 years together. Typical ups and downs. So I need to try to positively resolve it with her. Having said that - I’m already considering options in the event we don’t adequately address the infidelities. I need the whole truth - regardless of how shameful it is for her. It may very well have continued for much longer than I am aware. Next week, while in our hometown, I’m forcing the discussion.
You guys have been so helpful. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 2:25 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
Why is a polygraph not a "positive" thing? If in fact she has told you everything to the best of her recollection. Also, shame? What about you? She expects that if she if fact feel shameful about it the bare minimum she can do for you at this point is tell the truth, the whole truth, and push through the "shame". I don't understand how she gets to try to play the victim like this. Sounds absurd.
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:29 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
She needs to put your needs first. Why? because you are the victim of her decisions to cheat.
Remind her that your pain at being betrayed by your life partner is 1,000 times greater that her discomfort/shame.
And if she truly cares about you she'll focus on what you need to heal (not her need to avoid shame).
thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
Your marriage has been a living lie for so many years. How many times she may have pretended you were 'him'..... She made you a second class citizen within your own marriage and now parades it out when she felt safe doing so. She owes more than she could ever repay. She saw to it she had her cake and ate it to all the while playing you.
How will she make that up to you? A string of IDK's and I don't remembers?
ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...
guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 5:35 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
At best, she cheated on you 40 years ago last and has been lying for 45 years. And you're talking about getting through this amicably.
How do you think you can be objectively sure of the honesty of someone who's been lying to you for 45 years, other than the polygraph? Will you look into her eyes and understand? I guess you realize that this isn't going to work, she's been lying to you for years already looking you in the eye.
I guess she wouldn't be offended by someone whose life she stole after seeing that he couldn't trust her after all this time. Polygraph is not torture. If she really did tell the whole truth, she should welcome it, at least now, as an opportunity to concretely prove that she was honest. But if she refuse this you should be more worried than her.
I don't see the use of trying to remind her of what she's done in the past. If she really doesn't remember, what's the use of remembering? If she already remembers and is lying, she will say that she does not remember still.
After all, you can learn the information you need only through the polygraph and you can be sure of its accuracy.
Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
Mostly because it’s shameful to her
Still all about her. Her discomfort is hierarchical to helping her husband process she had sex with multiple men & easily lied about it for decades.
We’re trying to work through this amicably.
We’ve had a pretty decent 40 years together. Typical ups and downs. So I need to try to positively resolve it with her.
You will never know 100% everything, you’ll have to come to accept that. It was so long ago she legit can’t remember everything. But she’s still hiding a lot. You’re resistant to a lie detector, thus you’ll keep spinning your wheels. When will you be satisfied that you know everything? How will you be confident she’s told you everything without a lie detector?
Let’s say you get to a point where you believe she’s told you everything she can recall, then what? How does that "resolve" this situation?
She’s sincere about working through it together.
False. She would prioritize your feelings. She would stop lying. She would offer to take a lie detector to prove to you she’s told you everything she can remember. She’d want to take a lie detector to allay your fears she’s still lying & start rebuilding your trust in her.
I’m so sorry Davlaw625 you are in the shittiest situation. We all want to help. I’m just a little confused on what it is you’re doing.
Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.
Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.
Davlaw625 (original poster new member #79093) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021
Wife surprised me by going to IC today. I have an appointment tomorrow. And couples counseling on Wednesday. This is a huge step forward. Will keep the group updated. I’m optimistic.
Rockeater ( member #53578) posted at 4:25 AM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021
Heavens, don't let what allegedly happened over a third of a century ago blow your family apart.
What might be her motivation for telling you now? What would she gain by telling you this? Are you reasonably sure it is true?