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Separated and hating it

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a1234567 posted 5/20/2021 14:57 PM

@Hutch, I'm feeling much the same as you describe. Calm, and excited for the future. Filing the divorce means I'm getting out of this situation so I have a chance to have something better. I imagine appearing in court will not feel as good, but it can't be helped. Thanks for the kind words.

@Chili Thank you for the thoughtful writeup, and for the vote of confidence that I'm actually processing this whole thing. I think I am! I'm doing the best I can anyway. I like your ideas of restructuring the garden, but more broadly my life, to be about the stuff I want to do. I think I will take this to heart.

@Dude67 -- A few people have had this take that WW is giving up the marriage very easily, and maybe it's true, but it's not my read particularly. Up until I told her I was leaving she told me she wanted to work things out every time I talked to her. I think she's not fighting because she knows that when my mind is made up on something like this there's no point. Also, if she really pisses me off I can make this divorce a lot worse for her than what I'm offering her right now, and she understands that too. However, as I wrote earlier: My read is that, whatever her behavior before, seeing the affair through my eyes has made her truly remorseful and she feels she owes it to me to not make this any harder than it needs to be.

@Cooley2here Not being an old timer on the site, I find this perspective fresh and interesting. It's helpful for me to try different lenses to understand WW's behavior, and this one seems about as sane as any I've thought through. Yes, it's that euphoria chasing mixed with alcohol. I agree with your assessment that I can't fix or save her. That is actually a part of my reason not to pursue R. She might be able to fix herself if she hits a rock bottom, but I think staying with her would prevent that. Obviously, the most important reasons are for myself, but I actually think in my case, leaving is a more compassionate response for her too. I'm getting myself out regardless though!

Dude67 posted 5/20/2021 16:52 PM

When your WW asked you numerous times to reconcile, and since she had already attended IC sessions, did she ever give you a why? Did she say that she loved you? Did she say why she actually wanted to reconcile after cheating on you and deceiving you for two years? How convincing was she from your perspective in these conversations, both before you told you about divorce snd after?

a1234567 posted 5/21/2021 19:29 PM

@Dude67 -- She did not have a very satisfying why to offer but yes, she had some thoughts. What it amounted to essentially was that she was suffering from depression and was self-medicating with drinking and the ego boost of having another man be interested in her. To hear her tell it, she never really loved the sex, it was all about ego and attention. She said many times that she loved me, that she was so sorry, I didn't deserve this, etc. I am definitely convinced that she would have preferred to stay together.

That said, I think she was not desperate to stay together, as evidenced by the lack of a struggle. I don't really know what goes on her mind. I don't know if she really wanted to stay together because she wanted to be with _me_ or because she wanted to continue living the life she was living. Both socially and economically, it would have been a lot easier for her if we stayed married. I never really asked or pushed her on this because I never seriously entertained staying. Ultimately, I'm not torturing myself trying to figure it out. If part of her is happy to be out of the marriage, all the better. I am of course very angry with her, but I also don't really want her life ruined. An amicable split is better for both of us, whatever the reasons are.

Tempocontour posted 6/3/2021 18:43 PM

I hope you are doing ok. Not sure if I missed if you answered this earlier, but the stranger at the bar who told you of your wife's cheating, what did he say about your stbxw cheating? What did he see?

a1234567 posted 6/13/2021 08:12 AM

Hey Tempocontour,

I am doing ok! I have not been on here as much because the separation/divorce has been taking up a smaller and smaller amount of my mental space as time goes on. So apologies for the slow reply, but itís actually an indication that things are going better for me.

Regarding your question, the stranger who approached me knew or was willing to actually divulge very little. The only thing he would say was that he saw my STBXWW touching a man in a way that ďyou donít touch someone youíre not sleeping withĒ. I could not get him to elaborate, so I literally donít even know what he meant by this. Was it a sex act behind the bar? Or just a gentle but lingering caress? I would love to have some clarity on this myself, but he simply wouldnít be tied down to adding more facts. I really didnít believe him at first and kept pushing him for more details. He never provided any but he also never backed down or got uncomfortable in the way that you would expect someone making something up to, so I eventually became convinced _something_ had happened, even though I did not then imagine the magnitude of it.
As a result, basically everything I know about the affair I know from STBXWWís confessions. I suspect there are details I donít know, but as Iíve said elsewhere: I know enough to leave.

Newlifeisgreat posted 6/14/2021 07:53 AM

Trust me as I speak from experience, as many that are giving you advice do. No matter how firm you are in your decision to move forward with divorce, you will be on the worldís worst rollercoaster when it comes to emotions, and you will finding yourself questioning your decision.

You may not believe this, but you are doing very well getting out of the Hell that stbx put you in. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Keep working out. Personally, in addition to going to the gym or going for a jog on a regular basis, I also got a heavy punching bag and hung it up in the basement for when the demons and mind movies came in the middle of the night and I had to do something to defeat them. I highly recommend getting one, just make sure you also get the gloves so you donít break your fingers from punching the bag with all the force you can manage.

Continue to eat; the healthier the better.
Try to bank as many hours of sleep as possible.

Just remember that as the body runs on food, the brain runs on sleep. You are making some very challenging decisions right now, you need your brain to be firing on all neurons.

Once again, you are doing as well as can be expected, actually better.

Remember, NONE of this is your doing. This is 100% on her.
Your job is just to get out of the Hell she has thrown you into as quickly as possible.


Stay strong.

a1234567 posted 6/15/2021 17:28 PM

Hey @NewLife, Thank you!!

I am definitely on the roller coaster. Have been feeling mostly good, but yesterday was STBXWWís birthday. Which I would have forgotten because Iím doing pretty well not thinking of her, but Iím not a person whoís good at remembering things anyway, so I had like 3 different reminders set up to not let myself forget. Some family members reached out to ask if they should say anything. Just couldnít really not think about it. I maintained NC though.

Been trying really hard to follow all the advice about self care. Itís mostly going well. Been going to the gym and cycling and thatís helping a lot. Been eating decently. Sleep has been really hit or miss but Iím doing the best I can with it. Like I said though, most days are good, Iíll go several days without thinking of her. Divorce is final in July, Iím counting the days.

Thank you again for the kind words and encouragement. It helps!

src9043 posted 6/15/2021 18:32 PM

a1234567: You are doing fantastic. Given the length of your marriage, and the length of her affair, you are doing the right thing. Something is wrong with your STBXWW. You are getting out early. Can you imagine having to deal with her after two kids and 10 more years of your life invested in the marriage? I wish I had the good sense to end my miserable marriage early on. Stick to your principles. I should have done that.

beb252 posted 6/16/2021 20:40 PM

Hey 1234567,

Goodluck on your healing! Things will get better eventually!

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