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Newest Member: mindracing

Divorce/Separation :
Separated and hating it

Topic is Sleeping.
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 a1234567 (original poster new member #78733) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

@Hutch, I'm feeling much the same as you describe. Calm, and excited for the future. Filing the divorce means I'm getting out of this situation so I have a chance to have something better. I imagine appearing in court will not feel as good, but it can't be helped. Thanks for the kind words.

@Chili Thank you for the thoughtful writeup, and for the vote of confidence that I'm actually processing this whole thing. I think I am! I'm doing the best I can anyway. I like your ideas of restructuring the garden, but more broadly my life, to be about the stuff I want to do. I think I will take this to heart.

@Dude67 -- A few people have had this take that WW is giving up the marriage very easily, and maybe it's true, but it's not my read particularly. Up until I told her I was leaving she told me she wanted to work things out every time I talked to her. I think she's not fighting because she knows that when my mind is made up on something like this there's no point. Also, if she really pisses me off I can make this divorce a lot worse for her than what I'm offering her right now, and she understands that too. However, as I wrote earlier: My read is that, whatever her behavior before, seeing the affair through my eyes has made her truly remorseful and she feels she owes it to me to not make this any harder than it needs to be.

@Cooley2here Not being an old timer on the site, I find this perspective fresh and interesting. It's helpful for me to try different lenses to understand WW's behavior, and this one seems about as sane as any I've thought through. Yes, it's that euphoria chasing mixed with alcohol. I agree with your assessment that I can't fix or save her. That is actually a part of my reason not to pursue R. She might be able to fix herself if she hits a rock bottom, but I think staying with her would prevent that. Obviously, the most important reasons are for myself, but I actually think in my case, leaving is a more compassionate response for her too. I'm getting myself out regardless though!

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8661252
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 10:52 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

When your WW asked you numerous times to reconcile, and since she had already attended IC sessions, did she ever give you a why? Did she say that she loved you? Did she say why she actually wanted to reconcile after cheating on you and deceiving you for two years? How convincing was she from your perspective in these conversations, both before you told you about divorce snd after?

posts: 508   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8661321
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 a1234567 (original poster new member #78733) posted at 1:29 AM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

@Dude67 -- She did not have a very satisfying why to offer but yes, she had some thoughts. What it amounted to essentially was that she was suffering from depression and was self-medicating with drinking and the ego boost of having another man be interested in her. To hear her tell it, she never really loved the sex, it was all about ego and attention. She said many times that she loved me, that she was so sorry, I didn't deserve this, etc. I am definitely convinced that she would have preferred to stay together.

That said, I think she was not desperate to stay together, as evidenced by the lack of a struggle. I don't really know what goes on her mind. I don't know if she really wanted to stay together because she wanted to be with _me_ or because she wanted to continue living the life she was living. Both socially and economically, it would have been a lot easier for her if we stayed married. I never really asked or pushed her on this because I never seriously entertained staying. Ultimately, I'm not torturing myself trying to figure it out. If part of her is happy to be out of the marriage, all the better. I am of course very angry with her, but I also don't really want her life ruined. An amicable split is better for both of us, whatever the reasons are.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8661740
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Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 12:43 AM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

I hope you are doing ok. Not sure if I missed if you answered this earlier, but the stranger at the bar who told you of your wife's cheating, what did he say about your stbxw cheating? What did he see?

posts: 84   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8664856
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 a1234567 (original poster new member #78733) posted at 2:12 PM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

Hey Tempocontour,

I am doing ok! I have not been on here as much because the separation/divorce has been taking up a smaller and smaller amount of my mental space as time goes on. So apologies for the slow reply, but it’s actually an indication that things are going better for me.

Regarding your question, the stranger who approached me knew or was willing to actually divulge very little. The only thing he would say was that he saw my STBXWW touching a man in a way that “you don’t touch someone you’re not sleeping with”. I could not get him to elaborate, so I literally don’t even know what he meant by this. Was it a sex act behind the bar? Or just a gentle but lingering caress? I would love to have some clarity on this myself, but he simply wouldn’t be tied down to adding more facts. I really didn’t believe him at first and kept pushing him for more details. He never provided any but he also never backed down or got uncomfortable in the way that you would expect someone making something up to, so I eventually became convinced _something_ had happened, even though I did not then imagine the magnitude of it.

As a result, basically everything I know about the affair I know from STBXWW’s confessions. I suspect there are details I don’t know, but as I’ve said elsewhere: I know enough to leave.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8667117
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Trust me as I speak from experience, as many that are giving you advice do. No matter how firm you are in your decision to move forward with divorce, you will be on the world’s worst rollercoaster when it comes to emotions, and you will finding yourself questioning your decision.

You may not believe this, but you are doing very well getting out of the Hell that stbx put you in. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Keep working out. Personally, in addition to going to the gym or going for a jog on a regular basis, I also got a heavy punching bag and hung it up in the basement for when the demons and mind movies came in the middle of the night and I had to do something to defeat them. I highly recommend getting one, just make sure you also get the gloves so you don’t break your fingers from punching the bag with all the force you can manage.

Continue to eat; the healthier the better.

Try to bank as many hours of sleep as possible.

Just remember that as the body runs on food, the brain runs on sleep. You are making some very challenging decisions right now, you need your brain to be firing on all neurons.

Once again, you are doing as well as can be expected, actually better.

Remember, NONE of this is your doing. This is 100% on her.

Your job is just to get out of the Hell she has thrown you into as quickly as possible.

Stay strong.

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 679   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8667287
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 a1234567 (original poster new member #78733) posted at 11:28 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Hey @NewLife, Thank you!!

I am definitely on the roller coaster. Have been feeling mostly good, but yesterday was STBXWW’s birthday. Which I would have forgotten because I’m doing pretty well not thinking of her, but I’m not a person who’s good at remembering things anyway, so I had like 3 different reminders set up to not let myself forget. Some family members reached out to ask if they should say anything. Just couldn’t really not think about it. I maintained NC though.

Been trying really hard to follow all the advice about self care. It’s mostly going well. Been going to the gym and cycling and that’s helping a lot. Been eating decently. Sleep has been really hit or miss but I’m doing the best I can with it. Like I said though, most days are good, I’ll go several days without thinking of her. Divorce is final in July, I’m counting the days.

Thank you again for the kind words and encouragement. It helps!

posts: 44   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8667654
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:32 AM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

a1234567: You are doing fantastic. Given the length of your marriage, and the length of her affair, you are doing the right thing. Something is wrong with your STBXWW. You are getting out early. Can you imagine having to deal with her after two kids and 10 more years of your life invested in the marriage? I wish I had the good sense to end my miserable marriage early on. Stick to your principles. I should have done that.

posts: 677   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8667671
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 2:40 AM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

Hey 1234567,

Goodluck on your healing! Things will get better eventually!

posts: 404   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8667904
Topic is Sleeping.
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