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This may be the straw that broke me

HatsOff posted 4/17/2021 23:11 PM

So, I've blocked my husband on my phone and Facebook.
Here is the situation:
My mother died last Oct. I found out about my WS latest infidelity in Nov. So no time to mourn my Mom. Instead I'm thrown into infidelity survival mode.
As part of my research into his recent activities I learn that when he was traveling home after my Mom passed to get our kids for the funeral, he stopped for the night half way and spent the evening calling escorts. He even made up a lie to stay later in the morning so he could go to an Asian massage parlor. This made me feel he really didn't care about my mourning process.
I feel like we've made good strides since then. WS is in IC and on meds. I'm in IC too. We are talking about when to start MC. He is more attentive and considerate in the little ways and big ones.
This week is my Mom's birthday. I drove to visit my Dad alone. He lives in the next state. On the way, I stopped at my Mom's grave. It is a few hours from my Dad's house.
This is the first time I've been to her grave since her funeral. I didn't expect how hard it would hit me but I was kneeling there in the grass sobbing. I was also surprised that my first thought was to call my husband for comfort.
He answered and immediately noticed I was in distress. He listened as I started sharing how I was feeling then loud music suddenly started in the background. He had turned on his computer and a video he had been watching started playing. I paused to allow him to stop it and he apologized.
I started again. He told me he wished he could be with me and he was sorry there was nothing he could do to make it better.
I was very upset so I was rambling on a bit. Then I hear him saying "Hello, are you there?" Thinking we were having a connection problem I verified I was, then he says, "Sorry, I didn't hear what you said. I had to go to the bathroom."
He walked away in the middle of my sobbing ramble about my mother's death! I was angry and told him he could've at least taken his phone with him. Then I hug up. He called about 10 more times. I hung up each time. Then he started messaging me on Facebook.
All this time I was getting back on the freeway to head to my Dad's with tears in my eyes.
So, did I overreact? Am I accurate in feeling he really doesn't care about my grief?

[This message edited by HatsOff at 11:13 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]

jadedangel posted 4/18/2021 02:05 AM

You have been through so much with your mother passing and WS infidelity.

No, I don't think you overreacted. He sounded present but he really wasn't there at all.

Is this typical behavior of him when you call, all the distractions?

HatsOff posted 4/18/2021 03:00 AM

This is typical when I'm talk to him in person, let alone on the phone. He frequently interrupts conversations were having to send a text-by-voice or make a phone call. He rarely even bothers to say, "just a moment" before he does it. He is always fiddling with his computer when I talk to him, and will play videos clips of TV shows or songs he's heard a million times.
I told him it is because he is uncomfortable with the fact that I'm upset so tries to distract himself so he won't have to feel bad.
Always making everything about himself.

Bonetired posted 4/18/2021 03:49 AM

I noticed by reading other people's threads that in the process of R a lot of WS are merely stage acting.They are going through the motions but not really engaged in it.He doesn't sound like he really connected with you on that phone call.The slip up comes down the road when things relax a bit and the facade begins to crumble.I think too cptsd creeps up on us and all the emotions we worked so hard to suppress comes to the surface and the dam breaks.Being away from the distraction of the R with your husband and visiting your mom's grave made all that come crashing through.I am sorry you are going through this.I am praying for you and the situation you find yourself in.

The1stWife posted 4/18/2021 06:23 AM

You are justified to feel the way you do.

It appears that he has issues surrounding situations where your feelings or opinions matter.

Has he always been like this?

Booyah posted 4/18/2021 08:56 AM

So sorry to hear about your mother.

My mother passed away last year and as we both know grieving is tough.

Your husband does NOT get it and is obviously selfish. Thinking about himself when his wife is in pain.

Hang in there my friend. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and own time.

tushnurse posted 4/18/2021 12:30 PM

Is he 5?
That's what a 5 yo without the ability to reason that the person on the other end wouldn't realize that you were going to the bathroom and to wait.

It's incredibly disrespectful. I know I have jumped on other threads of yours and stated that I didn't think he really got it, and now I know that he has the EQ (emotional IQ) of a toddler. I wonder has he been tested for ADHD, or being on the spectrum? If so and diagnosed is he working to correct it or using it as an excuse to be an ass, and continue to be disrespectful of your pain, and needs?

You are totally in the right here, and honestly if my H did half the shit you are telling me I would have asked him to leave a long time ago. The behavior is flat out disrespectful.

You deserve better, and more in life. Please take some time to think on what you want and how you want to be treated.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/18/2021 12:39 PM

((((HatsOff)))) <--- hugs to you

Very gently here - this stops when YOU say it does. I doubt that you really want to hear this, but this guy needs to be kicked to the curb already.

Your MOTHER dies and he can't be bothered to hold a conversation with you? WTF?????

He will keep treating you this way because he has always gotten away with it. You need to care more about yourself than you do about him. You've been M a long time, so it's scary to think about changing. I get that. But that longer you hold on, the longer it will take for you to heal from his betrayals.

Start getting your ducks in a row. See a few lawyers for a divorce consult to get some idea of the lay of the land for you. Many will offer a free consult. Most importantly, do NOT discuss any of this with him.

I'm so sorry that you have reason to find yourself here, the important thing though is to play it smart from here on out. And try to detach. As in


Sending strength your way. And looking forward to seeing you in the D/S forum.


steadychevy posted 4/18/2021 12:46 PM

My story is the opposite of yours, HatsOff.

My mother-in-law had a stroke while my XWW was committing adultery. We welcomed her into our home when she was released from the hospital for a month. I supported my XWW while she was going to visit her mother in the hospital 2 hours away. My XWW continued to commit adultery with her COW during that time and while at our house.

A year later my MIL ended up in a hospice and I was there for my XWW and her family through to the MIL's passing. As soon as XWW went back to work after grieving with my support she went straight back to fucking her COW.

Your WH is supposedly in a time where he's trying to prove/convince that R is a possibility. This is his behavior now. What will it be like when the heat is off? It doesn't seem to me you have much to work with, HatsOff. There could well be a final straw.

Actions speak louder than words. That was pretty loud. Will you heed the message?

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