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Vent. Nothing more.

Pages: 1 · 2

forgettableDad posted 4/18/2021 16:04 PM

Strong people donít cheat.
Of course they do. Strength has nothing to do with it. Most people, here or otherwise, whether they're on a high horse or not, would cheat in some form given the right conditions/triggers. But life is about constantly redefining ourselves. We fuck up. We get fucked. And we either deal with it or we don't.

I gave him that power
No, you didn't. Your husband is a big boy. He's going to have to decide what he does with his life. As you get to decide what you do with yours.

If youíre thinking about cheating. Just donít
That's not really how it works unfortunately..

If you did cheat and want R
If you did cheat, you shouldn't want reconciliation. It should never be your goal. You should want to be a better person. Because stay or go, success or failure - you still have to live with yourself first and foremost. You should want to change yourself because that's the right thing to do.

My life is a joke. A joke I caused
This isn't sympathy - I just don't think that's true. Your life is what you make of it. It's a continuum, not a single point in time. I think that's one of the main reasons I never put a bullet in my head no matter how low I got (and I never took that step off the roof when I had the chance). Life isn't a joke. And we only get one chance at it so we may as well try to live it.

In the end, as clichť as it sounds, things will be better in time - you can heal, your kids can heal. Just take it one day at a time.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/19/2021 10:25 AM

I get it, this is a vent; however, I do see a correlation between how much a wayward insists that they're not minimizing and not looking for sympathy and how desperate they seem for both.

You wonder why other waywards-- who you perceive as "worse" than you -- are reconciling but you're now getting divorced. You seem to be aware of the fact that statement absolutely reeks of entitlement, so I won't belabor that point. But...

..the reality is that your husband did try to reconcile with you, which was a huge feat in and of itself, given the length and severity of your affair. In the process of trying to reconcile with you, you said he turned into a monster.

Instead of being resentful that your attempt at reconciliation didn't work, be grateful that your husband had the sense to recognize when it was time to pull the plug. He could've stayed married to you, it's apparent that he wanted to stay married to you, but he couldn't do that and be the father your kids deserve.

Reconciliation is a gift, but in this case, so is divorce.

You've also written screeds about his abusive behavior in the aftermath of your affair... but yet you now say that the prospect of losing him has made you "truly" fall in love with him.

He will move on. Once he does, I donít want to be his friend. I donít want to see him. He lost whatever was left of his heart when he saw shit from a relationship that was over for nearly 2 years. But Iím supposed to watch him move on and be ok seeing that for the rest of my life?

Most people who divorce aren't friends and it doesn't seem like your husband is particularly interested in being friends with you anyway. The only thing you owe each other at this point is to be cordial and respectful to one another.

And as painful as it might seem to you to watch him eventually move on with someone else, try to see it from Hallmack's perspective. Eventually, you are going to heal and move on with someone else, too (even if you don't believe that at the moment). Even if Hallmack is more or less healed by that point, he will need to come to terms with the fact that you are a much better partner to that person than you ever were to him (assuming you've learned something from this experience). He will be grappling with feelings of self-doubt as he contemplates why this guy was worthy of your fidelity by not him. He's also likely to be resentful of the fact that you get to be happy again as well.

It's also not surprising to me that you, and ff4152 for that matter, didn't "truly fall" for your spouses until after cheating. You see your spouses as existing to serve your interests, so you're going to be more emotionally affected by the imminent loss of your partners than you were in preserving those relationships from the start.

And for my last point... you need to get over your need and desire to control other people. The ongoing theme in all of your posts, even the ones where you attack Hallmack, is that if you had just done reconciliation the right way, you would still be happily married.

Maybe that's true, or maybe it's not, but either way, that kind of thinking denies Hallmack of his agency. He doesn't have strings attached that would make him dance the way you want if you only pulled them the right way. He is his own man.

Chaos posted 4/19/2021 11:20 AM

I read your post 3x.

Instead of being 2 years out from healing, itís all fresh. Again.

I feel this to my bones. But from the other side of the fence. LTAP tried to come back. 2 years of healing gone. And I have to claw my way back. Again.

FWIW - reading a WS perspective of this made me think. Because I never in my own pain of the trauma realized my WS suffered greatly from this as well. Your typing this out gave me a view from the other side.

Trying to fix this was a giant waste.

I am going to gently disagree with you here. In trying to fix "this" you must first fix yourself. And YOU are NOT a waste.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 4/19/2021 20:09 PM

Grateful to see what was shared here. Great advice and insight given. I took so much from what I read here. IAT, I hope you give yourself what you truly need.

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