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My fiancee of 6 years was emotionally cheating

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Horrorfan2021 posted 4/14/2021 07:53 AM

Hey everyone. I had this forum recommended by someone on reddit who advised me to tell my story here, so here we go.

Almost 12 weeks ago my fiancee who I've been with for over six years broke up with me via a letter. A fee days before this she had a big talk with me about someone problems she had with me. But they all seemed like really small issues that could easily be solved. Nothing worth tearing a family apart over. (We have a 5 year old son and a mortgage together). After the talk she spent the day at her mums but ended up coming home the same night. She told me we were OK and she still wanted to marry me. Obviously this wasn't true because a week or so later she left me the letter.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I've done all the dumb stuff I shouldn't have. Begged, pleaded, apologised.

About 4 weeks into the breakup I found out she'd been emotionally cheating on me with a friend on Facebook. (Someone she's previously called a crazy psycho.) We had a huge argument. She denied that she cheated because they've never been psychically involved, she even said she felt crazy for having feelings for someone she's only spoken to on Facebook. She said that's why she's constantly deleting Facebook all the time (although she'd never delete or block him, because she didn't want him to think she was crazy.) I gave her a chance to stop the affair and work stuff out but she told me "I don't want or deserve your forgiveness". I've been trying to do the best version of NC since, but it's hard when we have a child together.

A couple of weeks ago we had a birthday party for our son, at the party she asked why I'm being "so cold" with her. Acting like I should be her best friend after she'd broke my heart. At the party so also told me she still didn't know if she'd made the right decision. She also said "we" alot. "Do we have this? Do we have that?" As if we were still a couple.

The day after the party, she introduced our son to her AP and his son. They've only been seeing each other 5 weeks! I was obviously furious. The thing is, she tried to hide it from me by parking her car slightly further away like I wouldn't notice.

A week after that we had another text argument when I refused to send her mobile data through my family plan phone contact. She called me petty and pathetic because I wouldn't give her something that she no right to.

This guy she's with is a totally bum. He has no job, a crappy little flat and from what I've heard from a few people, very bad anger problems. So being left for someone like that had definitely knocked my self worth down a bit. I'd appreciate any advice or support I can get, thanks.

asc1226 posted 4/14/2021 08:27 AM

Hello Horrorfan, so sorry you find yourself here. Check out the healing library in the yellow box top left corner. Use the simplified 180 to help with NC. Also check out the pinned threads at the top of this forum.

Peace

Edit: words

[This message edited by asc1226 at 8:28 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

asc1226 posted 4/14/2021 08:35 AM

She also said "we" alot.

Time to correct her grammar. “There is no we anymore. You’ve made sure of that.”

Are you still in the same house?

Horrorfan2021 posted 4/14/2021 08:38 AM

Oh trust me I did. I'm still in our house. She's at her mums/ new boyfriend when she doesn't have our son

asc1226 posted 4/14/2021 08:51 AM

Don’t know if you’re interested in reconciliation, but her actions show she’s not. See a lawyer and start working on a custody agreement. Start separating finances if you haven’t already, including what to do about the house.

In other words, start moving forward out of infidelity and away from her. If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow, then you can re-access whether R is worth it or not. If there’s no change, well you’ll be further along in an inevitable process and moving on with your life.

Horrorfan2021 posted 4/14/2021 08:59 AM

I was/Still am but she shows no signs of wanting to. She strung me along with the whole "we might get back together". But I think she just wanted me as a plan B, which is why I think she never told me about the cheating.

WalkingHome posted 4/14/2021 09:14 AM

Get a formal custody agreement, sever all finances, do it in writing with a lawyer...NOW.

Don't wait until she is super angry and has a new guy's money to fund lawyers.

TheLostOne2020 posted 4/14/2021 10:05 AM

As an avid fan of horror (particularly cosmic horror), I want to say I dig the name. Good deal.

Hey everyone. I had this forum recommended by someone on reddit who advised me to tell my story here, so here we go.

Reddit can be helpful but this place is better. I found that when I posted on Reddit I got emails from abusive members. I have not found that to be true here.

About 4 weeks into the breakup I found out she'd been emotionally cheating on me with a friend on Facebook. (Someone she's previously called a crazy psycho.) We had a huge argument. She denied that she cheated because they've never been psychically involved, she even said she felt crazy for having feelings for someone she's only spoken to on Facebook.

A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't show your partner your communication then it's inappropriate conversation.

She said that's why she's constantly deleting Facebook all the time (although she'd never delete or block him, because she didn't want him to think she was crazy.) I gave her a chance to stop the affair and work stuff out but she told me "I don't want or deserve your forgiveness". I've been trying to do the best version of NC since, but it's hard when we have a child together.

She's right. You deserve someone with integrity.

A couple of weeks ago we had a birthday party for our son, at the party she asked why I'm being "so cold" with her. Acting like I should be her best friend after she'd broke my heart. At the party so also told me she still didn't know if she'd made the right decision. She also said "we" alot. "Do we have this? Do we have that?" As if we were still a couple.

She's trying to be on the fence - to hedge her bets. Don't let her do this. Be firm.

The day after the party, she introduced our son to her AP and his son. They've only been seeing each other 5 weeks! I was obviously furious. The thing is, she tried to hide it from me by parking her car slightly further away like I wouldn't notice.

That's grossly inappropriate. She's making poor choices.

A week after that we had another text argument when I refused to send her mobile data through my family plan phone contact. She called me petty and pathetic because I wouldn't give her something that she no right to.

Start separating finances and as much as you can. Get a lawyer and work out custody.

This guy she's with is a totally bum. He has no job, a crappy little flat and from what I've heard from a few people, very bad anger problems. So being left for someone like that had definitely knocked my self worth down a bit. I'd appreciate any advice or support I can get, thanks.

Dude, the bulk of the time they affair down. You weren't cheated on because you lacked anything. She cheated on you because she has no integrity and she has shitty morals.


I was/Still am but she shows no signs of wanting to. She strung me along with the whole "we might get back together". But I think she just wanted me as a plan B, which is why I think she never told me about the cheating.

I know it's painful, but don't be plan B. You need to think with your logical brain, not your emotional one. I know it's hard, but she's not a safe partner. She's not reconciliation material.

This0is0Fine posted 4/14/2021 10:31 AM

Since you came here from reddit:

"I bRoKe Up WiTh YoU bEfOrE wE hAd SeX"

Your ex-fiancee (right, it must be based on how you tell the story) is currently having sex with another man with impunity. As far as I am concerned, if you or her are considering R, the A is ongoing and is full blown PA/EA. There is not some technicality loophole where she didn't cheat on you because she broke up with you then you got back together. That's just a crock of shit and you would be condoning some pretzel logic and wayward compartmentalization to believe it.

So, your path, as I see it, is NC (no contact) other than logistics for the child. There should be no path to R, now or in the future considering her current line of action. If for whatever reason you thought there might be a path to R, she would need to choose to go complete NC immediately with her AP (affair partner), give you complete transparency, etc. etc. Honestly it's not worth outlining in your case.

Do not accept being a plan B. Do not let her break up with you whenever she gets attention from another man to go fuck him with impunity then come crawling back. It's just cheating with extra steps.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:32 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

GoldenR posted 4/14/2021 10:52 AM

This is not just an emotional affair. You are aware of that, right?

Ok...First thing...SHAKE YOURSELF!
Stop wallowing in self pity and get angry!


It sounds like you want to save your relationship with her, it won't happen on the path you've taken.

First thing to realize is, she is no longer the sweet, loving woman you fell for. Nothing she does right now will seem in character. Nothing she says will be truth. This will sound contradictory to the goal of reconciling, but WWs only respect strong, firm action. Crying, begging, asking why, all that will drive her away.

You want to save your marriage? Then act RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
First, expose. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. To everyone: her family, his family, your family, utual friends, church elders. Affairs thrive as long as no one knows. Shining light on them will send them scurrying away from each other like cockroaches running from light. When she tells you afterwards that bc you exposed, she's not sure you guys will work out anymore, ignore it. They all say stupid shit like that.

After exposure, you file. Have her served. And then tell her that she has until the D is final to convince you that she's worth it for you to call it off and give her another chance. If she does nothing, then she's not worth it.

Also, as long as she's on the path she's currently on, then stop being her support for ANYTHING.

When she starts that shit like at the otay party, remind her relationship was terminated by her. She fired you as her man and gave another guy the job. So that said, tell her that she no longer gets to enjoy the privileges she used to enjoy when having you as a "husband". 

No more coming to pick her up when her car breaks down. No more getting her ass out of trouble when she gets in over her head with things. If your son is with her, then yes, otherwise no. 

No more helping her fix shit that gets broken. Her new OM can do that stuff for her now.

No more being her handyman. 

No more going to the store for her, no helping her clean house, no helping fold her laundry, no more picking her clothes up at the dry cleaner. 

No more laughter and joking around or deep conversations about life and family. That is what her OM is there for. 

No more affection, no more sex, no more friendship, no more understanding, no more being there for her when she needs an ally against the onslaughts of every day life. 

No more money or support from you. 

That is what she gave up when she gave you up. Remind her of this.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:57 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

DoinBettr posted 4/14/2021 12:11 PM

we had another text argument when I refused to send her mobile data through my family plan phone contact. She called me petty and pathetic because I wouldn't give her something that she no right to

This is your problem. You need to just ignore her engaging in fights. She wants to feel you argue with her so she knows she is important in your life. You need to simply smile. Say, "No." If she pushes or tries to fight, laugh and walk away.
She will get more angry at you ignoring her or laughing at her than anything you can say.

As others have said, you should look into getting your own place.

Lastly, put yourself on a dating app, just for talking with new women. You need to keep yourself from getting toxic thinking they are all like your ex. (I know some people on here hate this kind of advice, but it is easily to get jaded. We see it here a lot. With covid lockdowns in place too, he should get to talking to non-toxic people outside of his co-parent. He just needs to be more slow with getting romantically involved.)

HalfTime2017 posted 4/14/2021 12:21 PM

Really doubt she was just emotionally cheating. You can bet it went a lot further than that. You son meeting the other man is a bunch of bullshit. My exWW did that as well,under the pretense that they were going to a party.

You need to read the healing library and start taking the lead. If she doesn't want to R, and she doesnt seem to, and she also doesnt deserve R, you better start protecting yourself and your son.

That means to file, so that you can get the shared accounts and marital home accounted for. If you're staying there, make sure she is still helping with the mortgage. I'd contact a lawyer immediately and see where you stand. KNowledge is power.

guvensiz posted 4/14/2021 17:52 PM

Sorry for you are here.

Don't believe a single word of her. Cheaters lie a lot.
Probably, PA started long before you broke up.
As she said that she felt crazy for having feelings for someone she's only spoken to on Facebook, I thought he was someone who lived a long distance. But no, I guess you all live in the same area, so it is very likely that they met long ago.
Your WF's attitude is extremely inappropriate for R. You're perfectly right to think that you are a Plan B. Don't buy her efforts to keep you in reserve. Keep doing NC except for matters related to your child, don't let her bring the subject elsewhere.
If AP is such a loser as you said, I don't think she will go on with him for very long. But that doesn't mean she will be a good candidate for R and you should to get back together with her. Aside coparenting civilly, I suggest that you take her out of your life completely and find someone who is loyal and deserving you.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 12:45 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

chepo1966 posted 4/14/2021 21:50 PM

Dear, I do not know how old you are, but I imagine that you are a relatively young man, That said, your girlfriend began to cheat on you before leaving, maybe she began to be physical later, I think it was much earlier, I would like to know what she told you After you begged him, cried and begged him not to leave, if he told you at some point that he loved you the same, or that he loved the bago more than you?
Do you think that you can ever forget or overcome that your girlfriend left you to go fuck another guy, can you forgive her, that she introduced your son to her AP?
THESE QUESTIONS YOU MUST ASK YOURSELF, I TRULY BELIEVE, THAT YOU ARE A GREAT MAN AND A VERY GOOD FATHER, BUT KNOWING NOW, THAT YOU ARE OPTION B, YOU WANT TO CONTINUE FIGHTING, TO BRING BACK A WOMAN WHO IS NOT WORTH IT, I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF A WOMAN, THAT RESPECT YOU, THAT HONOR YOU AT ALL TIMES, THAT I LOVE YOU AND MAKE YOU HAPPY, HAVE A LITTLE OF YOUR OWN LOVE, THIS WOMAN IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU, YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT YOU FROM NOW ON AND YOUR SON, AND TRY TO GIVE A SOLID HOME, TO YOUR CHILD, STOP CHILDREN'S GAMES, IT'S TIME THAT YOU THINK, AS AN ADULT, YOU CANNOT CONTINUE ENDURING SO MUCH HUMILIATION, AND THAT ONE DAY IT COMES BACK AND THE OTHER LEAVES, FOR A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSNESS IN YOUR LIFE, YOU AND THE SON REQUIRE IT,
STEPS YOU SHOULD FOLLOW,
1.- TALK WITH A LAWYER, AND SEE YOUR OPTIONS, FOR THE CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD
2.- STOP TALKING TO THIS WOMAN, AND CUT ALL LINKS WITH HER, JUST TALK ABOUT YOUR SON.
3.-ENROLL IN A GYM, OR GO FOR A RUN DOING THE MAXIMUM OF FISCICAL ACTIVITY, IT WILL HELP YOU HUGE, BOTH ANIMAL AND PHYSICAL, YOU WILL FEEL MORE SAFE, IT WILL NOTORIALLY INCREASE YOUR SELF ESTEEM, YOU WILL BEGIN TO SEE THE THINGS ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE.
TRULY EVERYTHING IS IN THE VALUE YOU GIVE TO YOUR BEING, IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE LOVE OF YOUR OWN, AND WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD IN THE FUTURE, REMEMBER THAT TIME PASSES FLYING, DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME AND TRY TO BE HAPPY-

rugswept posted 4/15/2021 13:08 PM

You've already been told once: 180, Simplified first or go hard right away if you want to.

All of the early moves you made are diametrically opposite to what it prescribed in the 180 Guides on this web site. What is prescribed in the 180 Guides is considered by some to be the optimal moves. It works or the marriage is over, very very decisive.

You really need to go right back to basics, like the very start and do it right from here on. There's a remote chance you (emphasize you) could change the game enough to cause her to change the game more. Bye bye to her AP is mandatory.

Read the rest of it for yourself.

Westway posted 4/16/2021 12:28 PM

Cheaters lie... and then they lie some more to cover up the lies they just told... and then they lie some more...

Mene posted 4/20/2021 07:24 AM

Facebook is evil.

She’s lying. A lot.

rugswept posted 4/20/2021 07:44 AM

You have a decision to make: you're living with her cheating or you aren't. She's all in and has no plans at ending anything with loser POSOM.

They're living under the same roof. All that EA, yeah, ok, that too. Along with the hard core sex they're into (they're living under the same roof), there's some EA sprinkled in here and there (maybe not so much now, he might like sex more than he does lovey dovey smooch talk and he doesn't have to talk her into it anymore).

1. Protect your son first (and that loser shouldn't be associated with your son.
2. Tell her to get lost (I don't think she's coming back and doesn't want to).
3. 100% 180 ... starting right now.

Good Luck.

lifestoshort posted 4/29/2021 10:39 AM

Bravo GoldenR. well said. I love this advice.

Dude, the bulk of the time they affair down. You weren't cheated on because you lacked anything. She cheated on you because she has no integrity and she has shitty morals.

this is also truth. i have yet to see my ex's w someone better, making more money or prettier. they are ugly chubbies working 3 jobs.

grubs posted 4/29/2021 11:00 AM

(We have a 5 year old son and a mortgage together).

You have to assume at this point she is no longer interested in this relationship even if you are. I would separate any entangled finances. Cancel any shared credit cards. Remove her from you are her from the cell phone plan if you share one. Divert your paycheck to an account to which she doesn't have access. Speak to an attorney soon. You need to figure out how to refinance you or her off the mortgage and deed and split any gained equity. You'll also need a custody agreement. Go no contact outside of child or separation topics. Expose to family & friends. All these steps protects you and your child as much as possible from suffering additional financial and emotional burdens caused by her poor decisions.
You may find that taking these steps will cause her to reconsider R, but I would think carefully about going down that road now. It's clear that right now, you are only plan b and you and your child deserve more than that.

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