Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

contacting the OW

sadgirlinsouth posted 4/12/2021 09:48 AM

I am almost 1 year out from d-day (May 2020). I am having recurring thoughts to private message the OW and say I know what you and my husband did years ago (around 2009) at work. And if you are still doing this now with someone especially if married, please stop before you ruin their SO's life. I know there is no point because it's been so long ago. I am just having a hard time this week. Thanks for listening.

maise posted 4/12/2021 10:00 AM

I totally get the need to contact the other woman, I get the need to confront her or just express yourself in general. The thing I learned about this is that the other woman was nothing like me (starting with the fact hat I would never do what she did bc I consider how I impact others & myself thru my actions)

The other woman however, doesn’t care. She justifies her behavior, she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. The other woman in my scenario painted it as though she just couldn’t help it that she was so in love with my WS. She “had to” go for it bc they were “in love”. So delusional, ridiculous and selfish.

Anyway, my need to confront was never to express my pain but rather to express my rage. I was mean and insulting and physically violent. When I would get the itch to be mean again bc I felt so hurt - I would act on it by contacting her.

Did it help? Well..no, it hurt actually. It re-opened my wound and felt like I took myself backward in my own healing. I opened the door for the other woman to see that I was hurt even though that hurt was manifested in anger at the time. I don’t think the other woman deserves access to any parts of my emotional process. She is a selfish closed off human that will never take accountability for herself through what she’s done here. She will justify, deny, excuse, minimize, blame, ignore, cower, gossip...

Best to remove myself from her and see things for what they are - she is a miserable human being that played a role in circumstances that caused me pain bc of who she is to her own self. I can’t focus on her because it ends up feeding me into a loop - I have to instead shift gears and refocus on me and my pain and what I’m feeling prior to wanting to reach out. I have to lean into myself and be my own support, my own guide, my own encouragement, my shoulder to cry on and my teacher to heal. If I need further support, I make sure to turn to those that are safe and open to receiving me emotionally. If I need further teaching, I schedule a therapy appt. I journal.

The other woman won’t care or she wouldn’t have done this in the first place. The other woman won’t do anything for your healing. If you do reach out, I understand why...my advice would be not to - because reaching out from my experience has only served to cause me further pain.

Rnzwithscissors posted 4/12/2021 10:08 AM

I understand why you are feeling this urge, but as someone that has spoken to more than one of my husband's OW, these people do not care. They justify and minimize their way through life. I did not feel better after these conversations and did not enlighten them into the harm they are causing.

What I wish I had done intstead is write in a letter I would never send to them.

Wishing you well!

3kids30years posted 4/12/2021 17:26 PM

The other woman won’t care or she wouldn’t have done this in the first place. The other woman won’t do anything for your healing. If you do reach out, I understand why...my advice would be not to - because reaching out from my experience has only served to cause me further pain.

This says it all. I SO wanted to contact OW. I thought she was a friend. Instead, I wrote a LONG letter. Told her exactly what I thought and felt. I knew OW didn't care, but it made me feel better.

I let the letter sit, adding to it for about a week. Then burned it. I felt much better for getting the thoughts and feelings out, and now am so glad I didn't send it. OW doesn't need any insight into my life.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 8:02 PM, April 12th (Monday)]

Stillsmallvoice posted 4/12/2021 18:48 PM

I still struggle with this, 3 years out. I have had no closure with POSOW. I have righteous anger towards her still, and while they are less, I still have confrontation daydreams. Don’t get me wrong, it takes two to tango and my husband earned his share of my wrath, but he has felt it and has shown true remorse for his affair. We have worked through it.
I am Audrey Hepburn to her parking-lot whore and while I would love to, I have not and won’t confront her. She is a terrible person but I’m not going to convince her of that! If you try to shame a wolf for being a wolf, would that change it? No. You can’t change her. She’s broken, and honestly of no consequence to you. If you and your spouse have reached some hard won peace, enjoy it. You’re a better person than she will ever be. There are times that it feels highly unsatisfactory, but she doesn’t deserve a minute more of your energy. Keep taking that high road!

Wiseoldfool posted 4/12/2021 19:53 PM

My wife had an affair with my best friend for three years. It ended. He disappeared. I found out five years later. I texted him this:

I’ve spent 25 years around murderers, rapists, pedophiles, thieves and miscreants of all kinds.
You are worse than any of them.
You are selfish.
You are manipulative.
You are a liar.
You are a coward.
You betrayed a man who treated you like a brother.
You abandoned two boys who called you "Uncle."
You value nothing sacred.
You are unsafe and unreliable.
It’s no wonder that every woman that had the chance to make a life with you found you unworthy.
I hope your life is sad and lonely. You deserve no better.

The coward never responded.

That is what they are.

gmc94 posted 4/13/2021 00:20 AM

The other woman won’t care or she wouldn’t have done this in the first place.

That's it.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 4/13/2021 04:47 AM

Sometimes it is helpful to write a letter and not send it. You have a need to speak your mind and to be heard. Given what she did, it is likely you won't be heard. But we hear you and you count.

Write that letter so you can express yourself and process what is inside.

Anna123 posted 4/13/2021 07:55 AM

I see keeping totally silent as it's own version of sticking it to them. Looking back I am glad I never once contacted her. I am a mystery to her, and I like that.

I saw that she had requested me as a friend on Facebook recently, three years after the affair ended (no longer with ex). The request was withdrawn shortly after, which makes me think she was checking out my profile and accidentally sent the request. Ha. I have to admit, the thought still enters my mind how I would respond if I ever run into her. Will I say "Thanks!" or just ignore her. It won't be anger.

sadgirlinsouth posted 4/13/2021 08:11 AM

Thank you everyone! I actually wrote her a message but never did send it. I know she is not worth my time. Also she has nothing I want - a label of cheat, homewrecker and all the names you can associate with a person like that. Just because someone compliments you, doesn't mean they are having sexual thoughts of you. My WH realized that was his first mistake, especially to a woman with a reputation around work of being a flirt. So sad....

Hippo16 posted 4/13/2021 10:52 AM

maybe do something like

"poopsenders" - or similar web sites?

or a "Herpes Test Kit"

or a "Dick in Your Mailbox"

or "Ship your Enemies Glitter"

search "what to get my"

and so on - lots of "crap" on the internet

Return to Forum List

Return to Reconciliation

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy