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Day 3 since found out - absolutely crushed, can't eat or sleep

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7

decaynus posted 4/10/2021 17:16 PM

Please reread jb's post about not making ultimatiums that you are not going to carry out.

I've just written an email to my lawyer concerning where to next, and I absolutely intend to follow through. I have integrity and dignity, and she knows this. This is her chance now to snap out of this fantasy and start facing the reality of what she's done.

Cooley2here posted 4/10/2021 17:26 PM

Oh, Buddy. Everyone wants to get you to the other side since we are pretty sure the outcome. She has already stomped your boundaries. You know where she has been. You know where she is. Her desire to move home is her desire for him. This is a situation that arises all the time. An old love, an old crush are powerful pulls on some people.

Right now you need to make sure you look after your health. Your body is responding as if you have been stabbed. Your fight or flight has kicked in with nowhere to go. Stay here with us and try to find someone you can talk to. You need all of us.

decaynus posted 4/10/2021 17:39 PM

Her desire to move home is her desire for him. This is a situation that arises all the time. An old love, an old crush are powerful pulls on some people.

No she only met this guy 4 weeks ago, and part of the allure is that he already lives where she wants to.

FLYAKITE posted 4/10/2021 17:41 PM

I'm infuriated for you and with you. Right now make sure you are hydrated, have some nutrition (like a shake), and remember above all else: you did nothing to cause this. Not living in one's preferred city is a fucking weak-ass excuse, it's no excuse. SHE DID THIS. And this is all on her. If she was unhappy, overwhelmed as a mom of 3 (which I am, all the time), and hated the city...she could have addressed this without spreading her legs. We're here for you ((hugs))

[This message edited by FLYAKITE at 5:46 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 4/10/2021 17:49 PM

This is her chance now to snap out of this fantasy and start facing the reality of what she's done.

You are correct in your thinking. She needs to end the affair and contact immediately.

Now hereís the ďbutĒ (unfortunately). And I only say this b/c I experienced it.

I too stood up to my H who told me he was having an affair. He admitted it. Ten days later he wants a D. Yes heís dumping me for the OW. That what he wants. So I tell him itís time you choose- her or me. Because Iím not putting up with this crap. Heís scared and unprepared and chooses me.

Short lived though. His heart was still with her. And the cracks started to show immediately.

So please understand while your wife may ďendĒ the affair ó it does not mean sheís out of the affair fog and committed to the marriage. It could take days or weeks or months to realize sheís really over him.

I unfortunately found out on dday2 my H was still cheating while I thought we were reconciling. He still kept saying he wanted a D but just said ďI donít want to be married and ILYBNILWY ď. No idea the OW was still in the picture.

Iím sorry you have faced this. I hope your wife comes to her senses before itís too late. My H almost didnít and I was preparing to D him.

PS - you may want to inquire about a post nup should she cheat again and you D. I demanded one from my H just to consider reconciliation. He willingly signed it.

Smillie posted 4/10/2021 18:01 PM

Sorry to read about your situation. She is clearly with this new guy. I think you should hire a private investigator immediatly to get proof of an affair. This evidence can be used in court to reduce alimony in case of a divorce. You may find that you don't actually want her back even if she returns.

src9043 posted 4/10/2021 18:32 PM

I assume you are presently home with your children and that you have not heard from your wife. Call family or a friend who can come over right now to help console you. You shouldn't be alone with just your children. You need someone to provide you with support and company while you go through this terrible betrayal.

nekonamida posted 4/10/2021 18:40 PM

Decaynus, I hate to say it but from the outside looking in, I have to wonder if she is attempting to set up a life for herself in her hometown with the OM. The timing of you turning down the idea of moving and her lining someone else to replace you with is too perfect. If she's not with her family, she's with him right now negotiating the terms of what would happen if she left you for him. If she does not immediately come home and move mountains to fix this after getting your messages, in your shoes I would accept her as good as gone and proceed with the lawyer.

guvensiz posted 4/10/2021 18:57 PM

Sorry for you are here.

Don't call her stupid and immoral choices as a mistake. And don't buy her excuses and blameshifting, nothing can justify cheating.
Considering she's still after her AP, we can't even say she regrets hurt you, she's just upset that she's caught.
You seem inclined to do pick me dance. Don't, it never works, stay strong. She is the one who should ask for R. In fact, she should be begging you right now. But where is she? She is not worried about losing you, but about AP's diminishing attention. This is evident from all her words and actions. Don't agree to be her plan B.
Contact an attorney know about your legal options. I think you should serve her the D papers. She needs to understand how serious you are and return to reality from that fanthasy land. If she shows real signs of remorse (by her actions of course, don't believe any single word of her) and you think about R then we can talk here again what to do. Right now, R just seems like something only you have in mind, and that's not enough.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 7:15 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 4/10/2021 19:16 PM

So sorry OP. Damn that's a cruel thing your wife has done.

Has she been the selfish one in your relationship?

What seems to work best in situations like yours is for you to walk away now. Let her go like's she's nothing to you. No more declarations of how much you love her, how long you've been married, etc. She knows all that already.

You can't plead with her into loving you, into acting right.

Be strong, let her go. She may respond to this bucket of cold water. If not, at least your head is in a good place that you can move on and you can hold your head up.

You can do this.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 7:17 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

DanielJK posted 4/10/2021 19:52 PM

No more texts, no more calls.

I know every fiber of your being wants to text and/or call her. Don't do it.

Google "pick me dance." Don't do it, it never works.

I have to reiterate what others have said about making threats. Don't make them if you are not going to follow through.

You've just started this awful journey...you have no idea of the emotional roller coaster you just got on. You're going to feel differently an hour from now...then swing back to something else in the morning. I say this because you want to D at the moment...an hour from now you're going to want to R...then tomorrow you will want to D.

Just do your best stay focused on getting out of infidelity. Do what is best for you.

BigNoob posted 4/10/2021 21:30 PM

Please start with the divorce process. If you want to snap somebody out of the fight then they need reality to hit them.

She managed to cheat on you so easily, so IMO it was either this AP or somebody else down the line with how fast her affair started.

If you give out an ultimatum then you have to keep true to your part of the side. If you back track then she knows your not serious. She will treat you as her Plan B in case things do not work out with AP.

Does the AP have a wife? If he does Please contact his wife.

Also start keeping track of how long you have your kids.

Sharkman posted 4/10/2021 21:58 PM

Sheís not ending the affair. Do you really have a choice but to start the divorce process?

Marz posted 4/10/2021 22:12 PM

Thing is, she is a human, and she has made a mistake. The mother of all mistakes. So do I kick her to the curb or do I start the process of rebuilding our marriage and its foundation.

Bud an affair is no mistake. This was a choice, a decision on her part. Itís 100% on her. You didnít make her have an affair.

You canít fix this. Nor can you make her do anything.

Read in the healing library. You need knowledge about what youíre dealing with.

Get strong and take control of you. If she goes back the affair will continue. All cheaters lie a lot. An affair trumps everything. You, the marriage, family, etc. Nothing else matters to her at this time.

Donít make the mistake of helping hide the affair. That will make this even worse.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:27 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 4/10/2021 22:17 PM

Do not jump into trying to reconcile without thinking this through.

Do not jump in marriage counseling. The marriage is not the problem she is.

You have a lot to learn in a short amount of time.

If you donít take control of yourself she will.

Marz posted 4/10/2021 22:26 PM

I told her he's a scumbag, he's nothing. He takes other men's wives to bed. He has no integrity, nor morals. I really hope she realizes this this fantasy she's living in.

All true but she picked him over you and her family didnít she?

I genuinely believe my wife is truly sorry for the pain she has caused me, but I don't believe she's yet realized the true gravity of what she's chosen. I really hope for our children's sake that she chooses the repair route. This will involve many months of counseling sessions for sure.

Not really. Right now she is only sorry she got caught.

Beware of Marriage Counselors. Some are really bad and cause even more damage. They are not gods and this field is full of morons.

Upfront it would be best for you to deal with reality. What you think or your thoughts are not what your wife is thinking. Her words will be meaningless. Actions count for everything.

Marz posted 4/10/2021 22:28 PM

Healing library


GoldenR posted 4/10/2021 22:30 PM

I'm very sorry that you're here. I remember the feeling well and it sucks.

I can tell that you want to be strong, firm. But I can also tell that deep down, you're ready to cave and accept her back and forget about everything.

If we can see it here in your posts, believe me, your WW sees it. Right now she has zero fear that she'll lose you. That needs to change ASAFP.

You know she went to him, not her sister's. YOU KNOW THIS.

Right now you're nothing more than her backup plan, her plan B. You cannot allow yourself to be ok with that. Do you really want to be the guy that your wife SETTLES FOR bc the one she really wants won't have her full time?

You want to wake her up? The act RIGHT FUCKING NOW.



To everyone: her family, his family, mutual friends, church leaders. Affairs thrive as long as no one knows. Shining light on them will send them scurrying away from each other like cockroaches running from light. When she tells you afterwards that bc you exposed, she's not sure you guys will work out anymore, ignore it. They all say stupid shit like that. It means nothing.

After exposure, you file. Have her served. And then tell her that she has until the D is final to convince you that she's worth it for you to call it off and give her another chance. If she does nothing, then she's not worth it and you've wasted as little time with her as need be.

decaynus posted 4/10/2021 23:28 PM

Hi everyone, I'm back, and was pleased to see all the new replies.

A lot of people jumping to major conclusions... or am I being naive?

I gave her the ultimatum this morning... end it with him now or I am leaving and taking the kids.

Her response?

"I didn't realise I had a timeline"

I told her you either know or you don't, there's no in between and she needs to make a decision right now.

5 minutes later she sent me a screenshot of her messages to him where she's said it's over, she needs to save her marriage, and goodbye. She only met him 4 weeks ago, so this was a short affair.

I know she has not been with him since she got there. I phoned her Dad and told him everything and he was livid. He talked to her and all he got from her was "all I know is I want to live up here in the country."

It has been a bit surprising for me that I have not yet had any groveling for forgiveness. But then also, I think her head is in such a fog right now. After all, it was only two days ago that I blew her out of the water by discovering her cheating. But I am probably expecting too much.

I think right now she is thinking "I'm almost 40 and this might be my last chance to start over living in the place I call home." So I'm thinking that she might just need to go and live up there for a few months, get a job, see what day-to-day is like, and maybe she'll realize then the grass is not greener on the other size; it's greener where you water it. She's told me "my fear is that I move up there, realize after a few months it's not what I thought it would be and want to come back, but by then it's too late, you've moved on, and you won't want me."

It's funny, I always have always had this recurring dream that she has left me and I am heartbroken that she no longer wants to be with me, because for so long she was nothing but devoted... and now it's turned into my worst nightmare. I keep expecting to wake up and find it was all a dream.

To everyone saying to start divorce proceedings... it's been two days. How can I possibly be in that headspace yet to know that's what I want? As for making her fear losing me altogether, what does that achieve? It puts pressure on her to make a decision she needs time to make, and it might not then be the right one. Right now I am just trying to not be too accessible to her. She hasn't messaged me since the screenshot and it's making me insane, waiting to hear something from her.

GoldenR posted 4/10/2021 23:36 PM

You will get burned if you continue the path you're on.

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