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He's got some nerve

Elle2 posted 4/8/2021 21:56 PM

This June will be 3 years since day but honestly, I've not have much time to really sit with it. 5 months after day I found out I was pregnant (thanks hysterical bonding). At 30 weeks we discovered the baby and I were every sick and had an emergency c-section and he passed away shortly after. While we were grieving that, only 4 short months after we found we were pregnant again, I ended up in the hospital at 28 weeks for 8 weeks and delivered a mostly healthy boy. He has a few minor issues we are working with but nothing major (knock on wood). My dad's been sick for a few months and discovered it was a fractured back, that turned into cancer which went to his brain and he passed on monday the 5th (the brain cancer thankfully happened fast but everything else was months of stress in the making with my dad). I give this back story for this: wh went to grab a bag of salad. It took him 40ish minutes to get to and from the store that is 5 minutes baway, 6.5 if you catch the light. I got the kids in bed, read them a book and took a long shower. I thought for sure he'd be eating when I got out but he had just gotten home so I asked what took so long? I was thinking accident or he ran into someone at the store and chatted. He gets defensive immediately and just goes in on me about how he's tired of me thinking there's always something going on. Just goes on and on. Woah is me kind of crap. My wife doesn't trust me to be gone longer than seems normal. Remember y'all...my dad died Monday and he's bitching about me being on edge. Then he proceeds to get a pen and paper and talk about my finances and is flipping out about how I can spend all this money and he struggles. He buys all this stuff for me but I have more than enough to do it myself. He just bought me tennis shoes. I didnt ask him to. Not once. But he did it one night after I went to bed. Now he says he did it only because he thought I couldn't afford it. I told him nope. I just don't care to spend money on that stuff in unless it's necessary. So then he wants details of everything ive been spending my money on the past few months. Any time I buy ANYTHING. I tell him. I send him screenshots of my amaZon cart. I buy all of Christmas, birthdays, vacation etc. He is FLIPPING out. I told him how can he be doing this when my dad just died. And he just mocks me and said "oh yeah this and that happened and waa waa" I asked him if he has no limit to how low he will go. He says no. He says he knew something was going on...going on? You see my bills. You see what comes to the door, you see me swipe my card. Going on???? He can't even control this shit when my dad has died. Before dad passed and he was sick, wh was going in on me about how he paid for me to get my nails done. He insisted, I went, and then he threw it in my face. I yelled at him to give me a break I'm worried about my dad and he reminded me that I made a comment (to my wh) about how i hate how worried my mom is and I wish that if my dad was going to pass, he would do it quick so my mom wouldn't worry. He threw that in my face. And you know what's bad...is that when I found out my dad died, one of my first thoughyta was that my mom would have room for me and the kids so I could leave him. How the hell is this my life. I can't do this but it's still so hard to find the balls to leave. And what I hate is when he does this I just sit there or stand there, so completely flabbergasted that I have nothing to say..I'm speechless. And then I'm angry. But I never have the energy to fight him because regardless of what I say he will always have something to say. He will go for the kill when we fight. I may yell but I never bring up old shit or low shots. But he will so I never intentionally start a fight. I'll always lose.

HellFire posted 4/8/2021 22:14 PM

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Sweetheart, this man does not love you. This man doesn't even care about you. He is abusive and cruel.

You have children watching. How would you feel of your daughter's husband treated her this way? Exactly. That's why you need to go to your mom's. She will grow up thinking it's normal for your husband to be so cruel to you,and she will become an abused wife.

That's where you find your balls to leave. You do it for your kids.

He is right. He has no limit to how low he will go. Mocking you over your pain of losing your dad. Terrifying the children. Needing a safe word when his anger becomes scary.

Run. Now. Your mom would probably love to have you home,especially now. Tell her how he's treated you. Run. Save yourself, and your babies.


The1stWife posted 4/9/2021 07:04 AM

Iím sorry for your loss. Please treasure the wonderful memories of your Dad.

Regarding your H, please make plans for the STBXH being out of your life. Heís irrational at a minimum and has some serious issues.

Your children deserve better. You deserve better. Your children should not grow up in a toxic environment like the one you have.

He is not there for you. He never will be without some serious long term counseling.

tushnurse posted 4/9/2021 07:52 AM

(((Elle)))

I'm so sorry for the loss. It has to be incredibly hard.

Now for your H, he is trying to control you.
He is being abusive.
This is NOT R.
You owe him nothing.

Please consider getting out for good. To beat you when your down is his true colors. For some reason he felt the need to exhibit control over you in your broken moments. When someone behaves like this believe that this is who they are.

Get out. Protect yourself and your kiddos.

Elle2 posted 4/9/2021 09:10 AM

Thanks y'all. You always have a way to make me understand my thoughts and feelings. I know this isn't ok but I never can't put words to it because its just an disgusting situation that it's like my brain just shuts down. I really think this is it. I'm going to give time for my mom to get done what she needs to because I don't want to add any more stress to her but in a few weeks she has a vacation that she is overdue for so after that I may break the news to her. I hate taking my kids from this neighborhood because bits full of kids and their friends but I can't continue this cycle of things are good then things are awful and I'm sick with worry. It's not ok.

The1stWife posted 4/10/2021 06:45 AM

Your children will be fine. You know why? Because their mom will be fine.

In fact better than fine. Away from this crazy irrational situation you will see things will calm down. And be better in the long run.

Trust yourself.

jb3199 posted 4/11/2021 01:39 AM

I'll always lose.

You are correct. You will lose EVERY time....as long as you play his game.

Remove yourself from the game. Don't engage. He starts to get into it with you, then you simply say that you are not going to do this, and leave the room. I guarantee you that once he realizes that he can not get a rise out of you, his stupid game will stop.

Like tushnurse says, this is NOT reconciliation. It sounds like agony.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/12/2021 10:44 AM

I hate taking my kids from this neighborhood because bits full of kids and their friends

Who says YOU have to leave? You can ask him to. You know your situation, so do what is best for your safety and sanity. Just an option.

SilverStar posted 4/12/2021 10:58 AM

You can't lose if you don't play.

Your losses have been terrible in the last 3 years, just terrible. 180 this fool.

Elle2 posted 4/14/2021 09:25 AM

I need help with wording a conversation I want to have with wh. Obviously the way he speaks to me can be awful. Well, our 10 yr old is starting to sound very much like him. The things she says are just awful. Today, like every day, it's been a struggle for her to do any type of math work. We get into a discussion about what she needs to have done and what she should be doing etc. At one point she said that i needed to "just feed the baby I HAD to have". This is the exact statement wh made several months ago. She may not necessarily remember him saying it, but the fact that she can say stuff like that is awful. I need to tell wh that this behavior from her is absolutely because she sees him speak to me that way. She told me the other day that she heard me and wh arguing (the argument that started this thread). I say I need help wording the conversation just so I can have my thoughts in order. I don't want to come off like a super biotch because we know how that conversation would turn.

nekonamida posted 4/14/2021 12:45 PM

Elle, what outcome are you looking from this conversation? Do you truly believe your WH will listen to your concerns and police himself? If not, then I have to question what good it would do to open yourself up for a repeat performance.

What you CAN do is get your DD into IC and talk to a professional about how to combat his influence and addressing whatever anger she has about the situation. You can work on separation so that she is only exposed to him half the time or less. What you can't do is control your WH and expect that to work.

Anna123 posted 4/15/2021 19:09 PM

You can tell him that "We" need to be careful what WE say in front of her. And explain that she has repeated "things she may have heard" because it is not normal or healthy for a child to say those things on their own. It's self sacrifice since it was obviously things he said, but in this case worth it.

Maybe by some teeny tiny chance in his little cheater brain, he will at least be concerned about his daughter being normal and healthy (because it would make him look better probably).

This way you never say it is him so he has to work harder to get defensive - maybe--. Worth a try.

Elle2 posted 4/20/2021 11:45 AM

Well when I thought things couldn't get worse...the last two day have been rough. I've been really struggling with the kids. I'm just not happy in general. The days are very long and very hard lately. Yesterday DD disappeared in our neighborhood. Her friends wanted to ride bikes down the road but it's no where we have let her go before. She didn't ask. I didn't see her at the park across the street and I was scared. Called wh since he was off work and he drove and we both found her. It was a innocent oversight for her but scared us. Today our 9m old had a slight, localized reaction to scrambled eggs. He's had them several times already but today he got little welts. I was terrified. I called WH at work to show him. Nurse suggested benadryl which we didn't have..I knew he was leaving work to get son to speech therapy so I called and asked him to pick some up. He asked if he should leave then, I said sure since you offered. The reaction was already looking better but still scared me. He heard in my voice that i was worried and you know what he says? That's it's too much. That the last few days have been too much and it's always something and I needed to relax and calm down because he couldn't handle it. As if I'm causing this stuff. And I wasn't crying or yelling or anything. I was just concerned. And it was too much. I was at a loss. I've obviously had trouble with daughter lately so I'll text him at work to vent or ask what to do etc and that bothers him. All that is just too much he says. He doesn't want me to bother him with this stuff I guess. I just don't know how someone can say this stuff. I'm so confused as to how he thinks this type of comment is ok?? I'm asking to be serious. What is the thought process when your wife is scared that one of your children has been abducted, or is about to have a major allergic reaction, or you are just having a rough day with a kid...what goes through someone's mind that it's ok that it's ok to say it's too much for me to hear. I'm in it. I'm dealing with it. Shouldn't he want to be part of it?? I just don't understand what the deal is.

redrock posted 4/20/2021 21:30 PM

Gifts donít turn into guilt trips. Partnership and budgeting isnít control and insults.
You are with a selfish, shady child.

You donít have to understand why he isnít open and empathetic as might come naturally to you. Because heís not you and not who you thought he was or still expect him to be.

His actions show who he is. Ever day of the week and every hour of the day.

There is nothing harder and more rewarding than the stage of life you are in. It sucks that your partner in the trenches is such a whiny insulting tool.

Do you have another support network you can rely on? Family or friends? Itís hard to admit in the facade fake social media world that we live in that you need help, but youíll be surprised who shows up for you and also who doesnít. Sometimes it takes as much grace to reach out for help than with help.

Build up that support system. It may take some stops and starts but keep trying. One of my best friends in life, I met because I volunteered to take her shifts at our coop preschool because her family bailed on her. I almost didnít help and I feel so blessed, a small gesture brought her into my life.

I say all that to say. It is scary to demand better, to step out of a comfortable but sometimes unhappy groove. Especially with kiddos who are effected by a change.

But know that Choosing not to make a choice is still a choice.

This guy has twisted your relationship into a toxic mess. Look up the push pull relationship dynamic and see if you read anything familiar. He may not understand it but he does it for a reason.

He may never get any perspective on his behavior, but you can. You have agency in your life.

It sucks that he may not be able to be the partner you need. If thatís what it is, see it and know that you can get through it. You can find your best life. He may wake up and put in the work. Either way you can do this. There is nothing harder, but you CAN.

While great neighborhoods, 2 parent families and the white picket fences are awesome. So are all kinds of other families. Iíll take sticky, cluttered and rooms with love and a safe place to fall over mansions any day.

What steps can you take today to make your situation better?

Sending you hugs.

Hippo16 posted 4/21/2021 07:04 AM

Elle2

Hellfire posted;

Sweetheart, this man does not love you.

I think this sums up the general direction of the posts to this thread.

Maybe get a copy of Bill O'Reilly's Who's Looking Out for You and read

Edit:
I went looking for your 'story' - reading past posts -

Good Lord!!!! - why do you stay?

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 7:13 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

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