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not married yet-the whole story

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10

flossy posted 2/15/2021 02:25 AM

The more i read these forums the more i realize i barely got the truth.
when i found the messages i was only on his phone/computer for maybe 10-15 minutes at a time cause i only had a small window where he left it open.
I feel like im addicted to knowing the full truth
anyone used DR fone??

The1stWife posted 2/15/2021 04:52 AM

Just tell me this ó is it better to live a single life- never marry and have children.then to marry someone who has been unfaithful online. and live a possibly happy life.

YOU - and only YOU have the ability to have a better life than living with a cheater that you need to babysit for the rest of your life.

Have a baby - medically possible with out a boyfriend or H

Be a single mom - possible if you donít have a good guy in your life. I have friends who have done it by choice. Very happy and satisfied they made the right choice.

Itís sad you donít see options or a future for yourself behind this serial cheater.

You are desperate to ďfixĒ this and he knows it. Which is why heís a serial cheater / online porn user. He wonít stop b/c he wonít have to and he doesnít want to. Heís addicted to this lifestyle and addicts donít change unless THEY choose to.

EllieKMAS has given you some solid advice. So has Queen.

Invest your time in yourself. Invest in you moving on without him. Stop looking for a way to fix him and your relationship. Dr Fone is not necessary b/c you have seen enough to know what you are dealing with.

You need to refocus yourself. I was in my 20s and dated an alcoholic and then the next guy a serial cheater. As soon as I found out he was a serial cheater I dumped him. I ended it without looking back. Why? Because I learned from the alcoholic that people will lie and tell you everything you want to hear but still feed their addiction.

Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. Like you. Like me. Like everyone here.

So here is my fail proof test for cheaters. Ask to borrow their phone. If they give it to you immediately- that can be a good sign. Check to see if they are deleting their browser history. If they are then thatís not a good sign.

If they refuse to hand over their phone then 🚩. They have something to hide.

DIFM posted 2/15/2021 05:17 AM

I feel like im addicted to knowing the full truth

You are currently in a relationship with a manipulating liar. Relationships must be built on trust. Lying is the opposite of building trust. Someone that has been cheated on must know the truth. The need to know the truth has nothing to do wit being addicted to knowing the truth, but as self preservation. Your bf is not safe. And without the truth, you don't even know the extent to which he is unsafe.

Your need to know the truth may be on your mind all the time, but not as an addiction, it is a healthy, normal, self preservation reaction to a lying, manipulating, abuser.

[This message edited by DIFM at 5:47 AM, February 15th, 2021 (Monday)]

jb3199 posted 2/15/2021 07:52 AM

Just tell me this is it better to live a single life- never marry and have children.

then to marry someone who has been unfaithful online. and live a possibly happy life.

Flossy,

Why are you selling yourself so short? Why can't you expect, and demand, a partner who will NOT cheat online, and have all the 'good' traits that you believe your boyfriend currently has?

You said that other than his cheating, he treats you well. There are many, many men who will treat you as well....if not better....and not cheat. But if you continue to believe that what you currently have is the best that you will get, then I would say that it is time to work on that self-esteem. Because you CAN do better. And if you are confident in yourself, and refuse to 'settle', then you WILL do better.

siracha posted 2/15/2021 08:08 AM

Its hard for a loving person to give up on a relationship . Please do see a therapist and just concentrate on ending this for now and focusing on yourself .
I kind of understand your point about what if everything else is so perfect about him - maybe he is the worlds best chef and runs an animal rescue gets you like noone else ever has just won the lottery and looks like a greek statue to boot . Should you accept a little cheating for the reward of being with the worlds most perfect man .
Still no . Because sex is a form of brutal honesty in the form of a biological feedback loop . And no matter what his lying face says to you he doesnt value you very much physically and possibly otherwise . He simply wants alot more than the bond you have together . Thats the part you need to understand . Which means at some point when he is sexting or having sex with another woman he will probably develop an attachment and leave you no matter how many concessions you make . And before then he will probably expose your body to the kind of risk that may have no cure .
Look if this really is the man for you let him go let him see a therapist let him grow into a better version of himself and a few years later there might be a next step for you .
Staying with him now is a bad idea . I know this is much easier said than done but what he has already put your through wasnt easy either and you survived that . Stay strong and all the best . You deserve alot more than this

The1stWife posted 2/15/2021 09:50 AM

Everything is so perfect......except he cheats.

Letís go with that scenario.

Letís fast forward to 10 years from now and you have two young children, house, cars, bills, daycare, etc.

He comes home late from work 2X a week. No explanation.

He comes home from work and instead of helping you w/ kids he retreats to his computer or video games or some electronic Device for hours.

You wake up at 2 am and heís not in bed. Heís on his phone or computer.

Heís spending money on massage parlors or prostitutes or something to that effect. Money taken away from your family.

How good is he now? Go back and read the post from Queen here on this thread. Read about my group of 15 people who married the cheating BF/GF.

Please reconsider how perfect he appears to be. There may be more you donít know.

tushnurse posted 2/15/2021 10:06 AM

Flossy honey please. Stop pining for a man that is a child and clearly has not interest in being fully committed.

This is a huge issue...

i am so scared of being single. i really cant see there being a better guy then him.
he has so many good qualities

The whole being scared of being single it a GIANT issue for you to work through. As Ellie K said last week on a different thread,

being single isn't a disability

Learning to be completely happy and fulfilled alone is huge when it comes to picking a quality partner, it also is huge in your ability to know when to call bullshit, and quits on a partner that is treating you less than the queen you are.

Seriously this guy should be falling on his knees, begging forgiveness, and doing anything you ask, including therapy, transparency, and standing on his head in the corner whistling dixie if you think it will help you.

This is a trauma, and you are scared. Get yourself a therapist that works in trauma. Heal yourself, lose this loser, and get on with a life that will make you happy, not this overwhelming pain you are dealing with.

Lastly - you don't know what he has done and hasn't done. Get STD tested, and if for some reason you choose to stay with him, make him do the same, if he is innocent he should jump at the chance to prove his innocence, if he balks, it's another giant red flag.

flossy posted 2/15/2021 11:27 AM

Every word you guys say I understand. I just literally cannot stop my thoughts. "what if he does change?" "what if he does everything on the reconcilliation list?"
im literally lying in my bed just reading posts. many posts dont quite relate to mine as i am not married to him and his cheating was never physical.
I cant seem to do anything with my day today.
normally i am a motivated and positive person.
I just am feeling really discouraged. i read someone say a stat on here that 50% of people cheat. so how the heck am I going to make sure i never end up in this position again!!!?????
its seems very dark right now


i also just want to say i know how my posts look.
i know youre thinking ok girl snap out of it, you have to be dumb to stay with him

[This message edited by flossy at 11:33 AM, February 15th (Monday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/15/2021 11:39 AM

I just literally cannot stop my thoughts. "what if he does change?" "what if he does everything on the reconcilliation list?"
I tooootally understand this. But you can 'what-if' yourself into a lot of stuff. Sooo, what if he does change? He might. Then again, he may not. Either way - HE has to want to change for HIMSELF, not just to make you 'happy'. If he isn't enacting changes in his own behavior for his own sake, then he isn't making changes that will stick.

What if he does do everything on the reconciliation list? Again - is he doing it because he TRULY sees HIS OWN BEHAVIOR as problematic, or is he doing it to check things off a list? If it isn't for the first of those, then they likely wouldn't be lasting changes.

im literally lying in my bed just reading posts. many posts dont quite relate to mine as i am not married to him and his cheating was never physical.
Cheating is cheating. Married or dating. Male or female. Same sex couple or M/F couple. Physical affair or emotional affair. Cheating is cheating is cheating. Even if a situation doesn't have all the same elements involved, the EMOTIONAL impact to the BS is very similar in every case. I will reiterate again - you guys were long distance for two years - you do not know he never physically cheated. And sad to say, if there was opportunity to do so he probably did. That's a common story around here too - 'it never went physical' is right out of the cheater's handbook. Soooo many stories of BS's who thought there was nothing physical end up finding out it was.

It's okay to take a rest for yourself right now. Don't beat yourself up for feeling a lack of motivation. Just take care of yourself.

EllieKMAS posted 2/15/2021 11:43 AM

i also just want to say i know how my posts look.
i know youre thinking ok girl snap out of it, you have to be dumb to stay with him
Oh girl you aren't dumb. You are hurt and traumatized and dealing with something so huge and so unfair. Questioning all the things is totally normal! I was like a crazy person for a good 6 months after dday1 and I know I wasn't the only BS to feel that way either.

For my part, I just want you to start viewing your own value as something priceless and completely separate from him or the 'us' of being in a couple. Being coupled up doesn't make you more valuable.

YOU are the prize and he has NOT valued you at all. He has used you and what he has done is not okay in any way.

NorthernMSB posted 2/15/2021 12:44 PM

I wasn't going to post and my viewpoint might be unpopular; however, I caught my husband two years ago sexting with an ex and found out after the fact he had been in an online relationship with another ex our entire marriage and dating. So 21 years at that point.

I am taking his word at this point that it was only online and only online is a horribly inadequate way to describe a constant never ending betrayal. The sexting, picture, videos, I love you, the affectionate banter, the telling of our lives, the taking her advice on matters in MY marriage, the sheer horror of every moment of two decades tainted by another person, an intrusion I was NOT aware of at the time. When we had a normal disagreement...he didn't have to work on it with ME because he could talk to her. Emotional upheaval or work issue? Didn't speak to me...got her take. Me drowning in kids, work, home tasks, finances, LIFE...well, he had someone fun and unencumbered to blow off steam with. Does that sound like something you want to live through?

I was 29 when I married him. If I had caught him then... would have left in a heartbeat. He took away my autonomy to make a choice about my life. I would 100 percent rather be alone and childless (and I have two kids) than have wasted over 20 years of my life and now it is very difficult to untangle myself (although I am moving in that direction).

Who cares if he is hurt, and who cares if he give the impression of "changing." It doesn't matter, he is exactly who he is showing you despite other "good" qualities. He isn't a kid, he is a grown ass man with no excuse for his behaviour. If you decide to stay, you will NEVER not get a stomach dropping feeling when he looks at his phone or takes it to the bathroom or whatever. It will never be the same as before, it could be fine, but this type of damage is permanent. YOU will never be the same again in a couple with him. Think about that. You are so young with no real ties to this man besides your own fear of being alone. You are stronger than you think.

Take care.


flossy posted 2/15/2021 13:20 PM

update
holy heck.
I just cant believe i have been fooled this hard. sooooo hard.
so i just messaged his last gf. hes had two "real" gfs.
i asked her if he ever cheated on her. because he only told me that he just did not treat this gf well. denied ever cheating.
she tells me yes. multiple times. and a lot with his ex gf. she told me so many details that were so close to what he has done to me. he fought sooo hard for her not to leave him. telling her he loved her (he told me hes never loved anyone else)

I just think about our entire relationship. and it feels like all a lie!!! everything.
this hurts the worst. because how can you be so manipulated.
ive had this once before with a guy i met while travelling . We were only together for about 4 weeks and he was so great to me blah blah blah. then i found out there was multiple other girls.
I actually feel like how can you trust anyone? im serious. I cannot trust anyone!!!
Im so lost. how does a person become like this?

EllieKMAS posted 2/15/2021 13:27 PM

I just think about our entire relationship. and it feels like all a lie!!! everything.
Well at least you KNOW that now. Knowing it is always better than being left in the dark IMHO.

this hurts the worst. because how can you be so manipulated.
I know it hurts. But take heart - you wouldn't guess someone could be this douchey because You are a kind, good, honest person who is incapable of this level of manipulation and deceit. That's a good thing to know about who YOU are.

I actually feel like how can you trust anyone? im serious. I cannot trust anyone!!!
Unfortunately you're right - there's a lot of shitty people out there. But in my journey, I have found that the more trust I have in ME, in my judgement and instincts and conduct, the less I worry about trusting others. I know for me, the lessons I have learned about my own strength and my own principles through all this will not let me devalue myself to that level again. I have way less fear in demanding the respect and care I deserve now.

Catwoman posted 2/15/2021 13:41 PM

I just think about our entire relationship. and it feels like all a lie!!! everything.

Yes, it was. He isn't the person he has manipulated you into thinking he is. And he did it deliberately and he hid the truth from you because it suited HIM.


I actually feel like how can you trust anyone? im serious. I cannot trust anyone!!!

You will trust again. Probably not next week, but again. I highly recommend getting into IC (if you work full time, your employer may have an EAP plan that you can use). A therapist can give you the perspective and information you need to make better decisions about people you associate with.

Stop putting the pressure on yourself to trust tomorrow, or to meet someone next month. Take some time to heal, some time to explore how this relationship was seriously deficient for you and how you can be a better judge of character in the future.

Cat

siracha posted 2/15/2021 13:43 PM

He is the dumb one . You are just in pain which is a very rational and normal response . Pain is also an opportunity to grow and develop reflexes . Think about how an athlete would handle a high adrenaline sport , the first time you hurt its scary but the tenth time you bounce right out of it .
There is no way to get through life without pain . No way . Its upto us to learn how to deal with it and keep moving . That should be your only goal for the next six months .a good therapist is key here .

DIFM posted 2/15/2021 13:47 PM

NorthernMSB, I recall your story/trauma. It seems you have made some level of peace - if you might call it that. Those that hear from you should take your words as a reliable source.

If I recall correctly, I think you are still with your fWS. Again, if I recall correctly, it is not without typical BS in R ongoing challenges, pain, triggers, anger, etc........like many of us that have gone through it. As you hinted in a past post, you pined over the fact that your agency (i.e. right to choose based on knowing the facts) was stolen from you. I can relate to that despicable manipulation and the resulting head shaking shitstorm it produces.

Not all, but many stories on SI speak to a common theme: what you see is what it is and what it is will likely stay what it is, possibly to a lesser degree. The rare fully healed M's and BS's are a rare unicorn. We BS's come to learn that there are levels of "healed" that we likely would not have imagined considering, prior to our introduction to infidelity.

Flossy, I hope you have the strength that you have suggested you have, in order to deal with the onslaught of challenges that are an inherent part of negotiating with a skilled cheater with a long history of brokenness. All things are possible but many are obvious in their improbability - particularly when it comes to those that have proven a comfort level in manipulating, lying, deflecting, gaslighting, etc.

Red flags are real. The results of them are predictable. Rationalize them away at your own peril. You have acknowledged them. You have publicly admitted to know what they are and how manipulative he has been. You will never be able to fall back on not knowing how it could have gotten so bad, when it gets so bad.

[This message edited by DIFM at 2:04 PM, February 15th, 2021 (Monday)]

squid posted 2/15/2021 15:12 PM

Dumping this asshat does not mean you will be single forever.

Cheating is cheating. His cheating was "only online" because that's what he had access to. He has a history of cheating. This has nothing to do with you.

Best to cut all ties. Ghost him. You can do this.

The1stWife posted 2/15/2021 20:25 PM

Glad you found the truth.

Serial cheater.

Donít invest yourself with this guy- heís a losing proposition.

Be glad you found out now.

Charity411 posted 2/15/2021 21:19 PM

Flossy, I for one never thought for a moment you were dumb. On the contrary, in your very first post you said you felt that even though so much was good, you didn't feel like you could marry him. Do you have any idea how perceptive that is? So many of us here never listened to that intuition and it cost us dearly.

This is so painful right now it is hard to see straight. But you will. You'll trust again, but the difference is that you'll trust someone who can prove he deserves it. And you'll know what to look for.

flossy posted 2/15/2021 22:44 PM

update
heres what even crazier!
I have an update... i have more.
i messaged his first gf a couple hours ago. they dated 5 years. from when he was 20is-25ish
she told me straight up "*** is a cheater and everyone knows that"
he cheated on her multiple times and manipulated her to be with him many times after.. she said it took her so long to get over him cause he is just so good with how he talks
she told me the last time they talked was in september.. i confronted him in july/august.
she said sometimes they talk and it is just chit chat and sometimes he talks very inapropriatley for having a gf. she said the amount of times hes asked to see my boobs is crazy
she named like 6 girls i had some suspicion about. told me hes had sex with all of them
when he told me hes never had a one night stand.
she also said that shes heard things around town ( i moved to his small town) that hes still doing the same things but she said she cant prove anything cause she doesnt care to
she also said he'll never change. and hes the worst there is.
i just keep replaying all these things hes told me
from the very beginning of our relationship he told me what i wanted to hear.
how can you lie so much??!
it actually is unbelievable.
like he is such a "good" guy when you meet him
was raised so well too....

[This message edited by flossy at 10:56 PM, February 15th (Monday)]

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