Well, I'm feeling a bit down tonight! My WS responded today to the email I sent him 2 1/2 weeks ago. It was a nicely written email, and while some things he said make me feel like he might understand how I'm feeling and how badly he messed up, some things he said just make me more angry.
My WS just doesn't comprehend what he's done, and it's the same old same old!
I have now learned a level of hatred from someone I never knew possible, and I am so sorry I put you in that position. Although you will continue to feel the affair as a mechanism for this, the truth is I have been so unhappy it was a way to see if there was a different me. And now I realize that I did find a different person that completely realized so many things that I've been unhappy about over the years, I know you will just call me selfish for saying that. I still feel that divorce is the right path on my end and hope to move on with my life as I hope you do too.
I have never told my WS that I 'hate' him. Quite the opposite actually, I've only ever loved him. Why can't he understand that my being upset right now is because the pain he's caused me? That I'm angry that he had an affair and didn't address his issues years ago or at least talk to me about it. That I'm angry because he abandoned me. I feel all he wants to do is get me to hate him, as if it would make it easier for him to walk away if I hated him.
Him saying he had an affair to see if there was a 'different me' just makes me sick! Another justification / rationalization / deflection to try and explain why he cheated. You went to find the new you at my expense and didn't take my feelings into account. How do people justify this behavior so easily?
And you want to move forward with your life, yea no kidding! You can't run away fast enough.
I realize you may hate me, think I should rot in hell, or should be punished for the wrong doing I have done to you. As I said before I did not intend on things to happen the way they did and do hope that some way and somehow you may actually want to see me as less a monster and more the man you once knew. I know that is no where in the near future.
See you as "less a monster and more of the man you once knew" -- seriously? Him lying to me the past two years, having an affair, betraying me -- that isn't the man I married! Everything he's done lately is 'monster' behavior. And the pity party comments about rotting in hell and being punished for the wrong doing -- oh boo hoo!
You do deserve to be happy, I just know that I can't offer that to you anymore. I've played this out in my head a thousand times, and all I can see is your rage in my eyes, it is very unhealthy for you and I recognize that there is no apology that would rectify or reconcile what has occurred. I don't want you to be angry or mad all the time, but to try and live life happily and I know that is not something you want to hear from me right now. I have truly loved our relationship up till a few years ago.
Damn straight I deserve to be happy! Truth is, I'm already happy. I am proud of who I am and I like who I am as a person. Happiness is an inside job, not something someone 'offers' you. My being in pain right now doesn't mean I'm not happy.
I find it funny that he says he can see 'rage' in his eyes, all because I stood up to him one time! Narc doesn't like being seen in a negative light and therefore has to deflect on me!
My WS could have handled this so differently. He could have been honest with me two years ago instead of lied to me for two years. He could have gotten help and gone into IC to address his issues a year ago. When he asked my thoughts about an open marriage at Thanksgiving, he could have asked for a separation. When she was standing naked in front of him in the hotel room the first time, he could have told her that he had more respect for me and needed to break things off before sleeping with her. He can't accept responsibility! And now he's suddenly worried about me being angry and mad and that my health may suffer? What did he expect would happen when he broke my heart after betraying my trust and having an affair?
I have put work as a priority to help make me try and ignore a lot and in doing so has caused more frustration and agitation in the process. That is not fair to you and I just wish I would have worked through this with you earlier but it's been building for so long now.
This makes me SO ANGRY! He says he wishes he worked through this with me earlier --- What a cop out! You just weren't man enough to do it. I'm glad he finally admitted that he prioritized work over me though, because he never has acknowledged that he deprioritized me the past 2 years.
The email then listed suggestions for how to split our assets. My WS wants to sell the house sooner rather than later, wants to sell all the cars so that we can split the value, he wants to part from all the items in the house since they bring back 'bad memories', he does want half of my retirement, and wants to give up the dogs so he can move out of state. Of course, he didn't list any of his assets in that list! I guess it just made things real.
I feel like I've been living a lie the last two years. He's taken me for granted, manipulated my time, and I feel SO FOOLISH! He never meant to have our relationship 'end this way' and worries that not meeting face-to-face to discuss everything will cause more harm emotionally to both of us, but he can't even admit to himself that this is the ending we got because he chose it! He made this choice and I've just had to accept it.
He ended it with the following:
I want to reconcile a friendship, but also realize that may not be possible in any form. You probably don't believe me, but I still care for you, still think of you, but I know we have to move on to make this better. I wish this could have been so different, that we could have worked on us better.
Friends? You care for me? You think of me? You wish things had been different? I can't believe anything he says to me anymore.
I cried for about an hour after reading his email. Two steps forward, and a big step back emotionally.
[This message edited by Venus1 at 11:30 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]