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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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DIFM posted 3/31/2021 11:24 AM

There is nothing "minor" in anything that MrFibble has shared with what his cheating wife did and how he was impacted as a reaction of learning of the actions of his cheating wife. There may be degrees of trauma and degrees of betrayal and lies, but there is no level of "minor" in any discovery of a cheating spouse.

grubs posted 3/31/2021 13:26 PM

This guy had multiple APs and he put so much time and effort into Mrs. F because she wouldnít have sex with him? GTFOH. Maybe she didnít, but the circumstantial evidence does not point in that direction.
Mrs F.'s AP was a predator. This was a game to him; he wasn't after sex or affirmations of love so much as the conquests that sexual acts implied. That doesn't excuse her role, but it does give some rationale as to why he would continue to pursue if PIV hadn't happened. He's not going to give up pursuing another notch until totally shut down.

Butforthegrace posted 3/31/2021 13:29 PM

Burner phone (since destroyed), coaching on how to conceal from POSOM, 2 visits to POSOMís home (to look at his etching, I suppose), and possibly sexting (I donít quite recall).

My apologies. I didn't see the post where that was stated. I didn't realize there was this new level of revelation.

Buffer posted 3/31/2021 19:10 PM

Strength brother, every one there and here will be pushing you to go one way or the other. Just take it easy on yourself and think it all through. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this shit show. But it is what cards you have been given to play. You canít fold so think it through and gather as much info you can to help the decisions that lay ahead.
One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:20 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

jujuchrist posted 4/1/2021 09:28 AM

Hi Mr Fibble,

Excuse my approximative english, I'm french and english is not my main language :)

Several things make me react about your story :

- Sure, there are signs that your wife and her AP had sex. The main one is that she went to his place, and that's probably not to watch TV..
But... there are also signs that your wife DID NOT have sex. The main one is that you didn't notice any change in her sexual behaviour with you during the affair. I have some friends whose partners had an affair, and all of them mentionned an evolution in their sexuality before DDAY (either a raise or a diminution of sexual acts, either new positions, new sollicitations, etc.). This does not appear in your 40 pages thread, so I think this might be the truth. Your guts can give you the answer before the lie detector, just ask yourself if you noticed an evolution of your sexual habits before DDAY.

- If you need to be absolutly sure about this point, then I think you could meet the AP. Usually I do not advice to ask anything to the AP. But in your case I see one reason to do so.
The reason for meeting him is that this guy has photos of your wife. I think it would be a good idea to meet him and make him delete these photos in front of you and be sure he understands he will get problems if those pictures are found somewhere else. Ok, that's not pics of you so you could basically say I don't care, but I think (either you stay with your wife or not at long term) that it would be a good thing not to have the threat of these pictures being shared in public.
At the same occasion, you can just ask "was having sex with my wife worth your current complicated situation, as you lost your job and your girlfriend?". What he says might be true or not, but..that's still information.

- One of my friend has a wife who had an affair during about a year (physical, emotionnal, the complete package...). Truth came piece by piece, and that was a torture. There were many lies too.
But there's some kind of pattern he noticed.
When his wife was lying, she was not that combative to make sure he believed her lies. But when she said something true that he did not believe, she was VERY combative for that truth to be accepted.
Maybe did you notice there are subjects about which your wife is not very affirmative, and other subjects you noticed your wife is VERY combative?

- Her father:
I'm a father too. And I think there's a big sign when her father asks you to take care of her daughter.
The day my daughter meets a man, I will be very vigilant about if he's a good person or no.
So, here is a person, near the end of his life, who comes to meet you and demands you to take care of his daughter and of MIL.
I've read somewhere in your thread that you do not know if you will be able to pardon your wife for what she's done. And currently that's right : you're in the roller coasters and need time to decide if R is possible or not.
What I see is that your FIL seems to believe in you, and that his daughter and you might be a great couple. I think this is a big sign. His daughter is in her early 30s (so she has a lot of time to be in a nice relationship), and your FIL places his bet on you at this time of his life. I think that is a big sign, and maybe he sees in you a strength that you do not see yet.

- Many here say that lies can destroy a couple. What I think is that lies are not what destroy the couple, but the reasons that led to those lies.
Examples : a person who lies because she's selfish and wants to keep the affair on the road; vs a person who lies because she feels that if she says the truth then the relation is over.
In your case, you said that a prerequisite for your future relationship is trust, and that all the truth is revealed about the affair. But in the same time there is some sort of "if all the truth is revealed then the relationship is over". So objectively your wife was stuck : I guess she did not see any option in which she could say all the truth and be sure that there would be a chance of R.
I think, in this case, even if you cannot excuse those lies, it's possible to understand them and the reason that led to those lies. So there are two problems : your trust to her (is she able to tell the truth?); AND her trust to you ("will you leave her if she says the truth?").

Once again sorry for my imperfect english.
Take care of you and yours,

newlife03 posted 4/1/2021 09:50 AM

The main one is that you didn't notice any change in her sexual behaviour with you during the affair.

In the entire time that xWH was having his first affair there was no change in his behavior with me. Our intimate life was the same as ever, if not better, so that was one of the reasons I didn't think he'd be cheating. But he was.

HellFire posted 4/1/2021 10:15 AM

The main one is that you didn't notice any change in her sexual behaviour with you during the affair

Many, many members have said they didn't know their spouse was cheating,and that their sex life had remained the same during the affair.


So, here is a person, near the end of his life, who comes to meet you and demands you to take care of his daughter and of MIL.

He knows his daughter is pain, and dealing with the consequences her actions, and wants her to be taken care of. This doesn't mean anything other than that. It actually shows great disregard for the pain OP is going through .

It doesn't matter that his wife lied, because she was scared to be honest, that she was sure it would be the end of the marriage. If that mattered, then we might as well excuse every wayward for all of their lies because they were too scared to tell the truth.

WalkingHome posted 4/1/2021 13:05 PM

It's time for the mother of all Come to Jesus conversations with the WW...


Flat out, a lay it out about what you know and how she better get real honest real quick because this is what's going on and a lot of people need a lot of support right now and that can't happen without some absolute 100% clear full truth. No tears, no excuses...truth.


If that works...be kind, accept the need to slow walk things until her father passes...and mercy. If not, walk out.

Dignitas posted 4/2/2021 09:06 AM

Am I the only one who is completely flabbergasted by the FILís request? Reads to me as completely inappropriate, MANIPULATIVE, and extremely selfish.

You do not owe that man a damned thing.

steadychevy posted 4/2/2021 09:17 AM

I briefly wondered the same. Wondered if was he was using his health condition to buy his daughter some more time but, at the same time, felt MrFibble was the most stable option to provide stability to his own wife and daughter.

MrFibble seems to be very thoughtful and analytical and caring. He's on the ground there and can probably discern motives, if any.

humantrampoline posted 4/2/2021 09:47 AM

Dignitas,

Yes! Thank you for posting that. I didn't know if it was cultural or because I'm not a nice person or a male/female thing.

My WH and I have large extended families, and between us we have had 2 aunts and 2 uncles and my mother get lung cancer and eventually die.

My husband (pre-A) was there to help me with most of my mother's illness and death. My mother asked me to handle the financial and legal aspects after her diagnosis and death. My husband there to help with some early paperwork and with the direct healthcare and mainly to deal with childcare and work to give me time to spend with her. It was appreciated, but my brothers and I could have done it without him. We are adults. My husband also couldn't be there physically there when she died. I would have appreciated that. Even though I had years to prepare, I still broke down on the phone with one of her financial advisers and a church secretary. However, I could have called a friend to help me out.

I would be shocked, maybe even resentful, in the same position if my MIL had a medical diagnosis and asked me to take care of her son and husband. Why not a sibling or one of her children or a friend?

66charger posted 4/2/2021 18:11 PM

My MIL passed in February of 2020. She could have lasted longer had she chose to undertake a second round of chemo. She declined and 4 months later she was gone. A week before she passed she asked to see me. I held her hand and asked her for a dance. I played a song on my phone and watched the last moments of her life.

To those who continue to speculate or assign nefarious meaning to the FIL request.

STFU. This is no longer a story of infidelity.

steadychevy posted 4/2/2021 19:29 PM

Hey, charger, STFU yourself. Get off your high horse. You want to make a point find a better way. STFU.

GoldenR posted 4/3/2021 07:12 AM

Edit: not worth it.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:38 AM, April 4th (Sunday)]

HellFire posted 4/3/2021 07:54 AM

So he is supposed to just let go of the fact that his wife didn't cheat on him? He's supposed to pretend?

I see your betrayal was years ago and you dealt with it. Had time to deal with it. The MIL that passed away was your new wife's mother. A woman you married last summer.

Totally different situation.

I'm sorry about your MIL. You have no right to tell this man this is no longer about the enormous betrayal he has been handed.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:00 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

humantrampoline posted 4/3/2021 10:23 AM

66charger,

I'm sorry about your MIL's death. And I'm sorry if what I wrote offended you.

Mr. Flibble said he was not close to his FIL. A reasonable request from his FIL would be to ask Mr. F to take extra care of his grandchildren and to please be as flexible as possible with his daughter on childcare and visitation. To me, it seems inappropriate and selfish to ask more of him. I wouldn't call it manipulative and nefarious because I don't know what's in the FIL's mind.

One of the early things I asked my WH is if he thought his AP stay around to take care of his parents and empty bed pans at the end of their life. After infidelity, I don't think I will be an end-of-life direct caregiver for my MIL either. I am more selfish now. I would probably take care of my FIL or some of my WH's siblings even if we divorced.

There are many kind and gracious people on here who feel the same way you do. I don't though.

DanielJK posted 4/3/2021 12:49 PM

I'm getting a little tired of hearing people whine about Mr. Flibble's poor FIL.

Most people come to this site because they are suffering a traumatic event...a very serious traumatic event. Mr. F wouldn't be here if he wasn't hurting.

What about Mr. F? What's best for him?

Without Mr. F ...FIL's ADULT wife and ADULT children will be fine. Is Mr. F supposed to hang around and hold their hand? Dry their tears?

How about the FIL ask the fuck buddy to help out? He was more important to Mrs. F than Mr. F. Where the fuck is he?

I'm sorry the FIL is dying. It sucks. But seriously, it does not mean that Mr. F has to stop doing what is best for his own life and own well being.

FIL's request is too much and I believe manipulative.

Banjo posted 4/5/2021 02:15 AM

How are you doing Mr.F?

GoldenR posted 4/5/2021 17:06 PM

Hellfire said:

So he is supposed to just let go of the fact that his wife didn't cheat on him?

She didn't?

Did I miss something?

HellFire posted 4/5/2021 19:00 PM

Im not sure how the word "didn't" got in there.

Brain fart? Typing to quickly? Distracted while posting?

I obviously meant to say..so he is supposed to just let go of the fact that his wife cheated on him, because her dad is dying?

Aren't we all dying? Why should he delay his healing?

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