Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 4:16 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

So I will try to respond to everyone. The GPS yes she disabled the GPS, & I am not even sure where it is at. I can track her with her phone, should she have left the GPS alone to show that she is trying to be open about everything & not hiding things? The answer is yes, that is part of the problem.

The girl friend, if you look back at my previous posts is nearing sewing up her 2nd divorce to her BH & was talking to her current boyfriend before she moved out of her BH's house. Your right she is toxic & my wife needs to cut that relationship. They have been friends for a long time, so the wife has been cutting her time with her severely.

When I say I am jaded, I mean that with everything I have heard on the VAR's & her slow reaction times to show remorse & true actions to show me she is a possible candidate for R. I called her a narcissist last weekend & that really set her off. I responded you may not think you are but you check allot of the boxes. That seem to strike a nerve as the truth hurts. I am trying to give here some more time with the IC to see if she makes any progress but she is taking baby steps at this point. I will give her a couple months & see if she can pull her head out, so far I am not very hopeful.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630810
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 9:37 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

Humans resist change. Staying in a holding pattern for months is ok to settle your brain, but be aware of the danger of doing so.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8630948
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 1:15 AM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

She doesn't want to be transparent, not remorseful, removed the GPS, still defensive and in touch with toxic friend. Brother at this point she's light years away from being a good candidate for R, seems like you're still hitting that hopium pipe, at this point she's really not giving you much to work with.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8630997
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:55 AM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

I will give her a couple months & see if she can pull her head out, so far I am not very hopeful.

Filing for D and serving the papers isn't an obstacle for this. It prevents waste of time, keeps her awake, and gives you power of control over the situation.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8631021
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 3:05 AM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

WW cutting back on toxic friend is not going NC with that

POS TF. This is a must for recovery. Make this clear to your

WW.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8631023
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 4:57 AM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

I will give her a couple months & see if she can pull her head out,

Do you think a narcissist can be coached up into being a decent person in a couple of months? People with PhD’s behind their name can barley get anywhere with these people. And that’s over the long haul.

If you want to wait, fine. But IMO you should file a have her served. See if she really has skin in the game after that happens.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8631047
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:57 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

I echo the sentiment that others have provided: the best friend has to go (zero contact).

It doesn't matter if she sees her once a month. Even after catching up for only 10 minutes all the wayward thinking is immediately reinforced in your wife's head. The bestie validates your wife's wayward thinking/decisions with the OM.

For example:

1 - the best friend (an adulterer) 'appears' happy - this reinforces your wife's selfish entitled wayward thinking vs her therapy

2 - the best friend coaches her with "he knows too much" lets search your car - validates your wife's entitlement to cheat;

3 - the best friend treats your wife as if she's the victim of a controlling husband. Which under the circumstances is false.

Finally, the best friend is not giving your wife the advice she needs. Instead she is actively validating her own wayward decisions.

The best friend is not really a 'friend'. Neither a friend (nor a sister) should stand by while she destroys a marriage that most envy. Particularly where she says she's not 'happy' but can't identify concrete reasons.

I good friend and/or sister would kick her in the ass.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:58 AM, February 6th (Saturday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8631080
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 4:01 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

Telling a narcissist that she is a narcissist is an exercise in madness and futility. Also an invitation to reactive narcissistic hostility.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8631113
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 7:23 PM on Saturday, February 6th, 2021

One thing that I really struck a nerve with me telling her this guy has a drinking problem. He drinks a lot every weekend, like alcoholic type levels. My WW's real Dad was/is a recovering alcoholic of many decades. I said you want to deal with that to the WW. She said oh he doesn't have a problem, I said look at his FB page it's always a party & drinks involved. I also told her she has severe Daddy issues and the need for a man's attention due to her Dad being MIA sometimes in her childhood, also struck a major nerve and she was very defensive on this one.

When alcoholism is involved (and I strongly believe that to be the case here), nothing works in a rational way. Her mind has "snapped" (for lack of a better word) - she's the adult child of an alcoholic and a very attractive alcoholic has taken a shine to her. It's a magic elixir and you are powerless and helpless to do anything about any of it. The best thing you could do for yourelf at this point is find AlAnon. They probably aren't having in person meetings but if you go to their website, you can find streaming meetings, a wide assortment of reading material and perhaps even someone to speak to over the phone. I can't encourage you enough to do so.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8631171
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 12:29 AM on Sunday, February 14th, 2021

Hey CM70,

You’ve had a lot of issues to deal with this last year, in addition to your wife’s betrayal, and I wanted to see how you specifically are doing.

1. How is your sister? You mentioned she had cancer and that it was getting worse. Hope she is doing better and/or getting the treatment she needs.

2. How is your Mom? You mentioned she had Alzheimers and needed to be moved to a Memory Care unit.

3. How is your job search progressing? You mentioned your current job was a bit toxic (office politics) and you were looking to make a change.

4. Have you started your own counseling sessions? How is that going?

You’ve shown a tremendous amount of resilience and strength. Keep your chin up. All your hard work will pay off one way or the other.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8633094
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

Morning BlueRas,

Well I am doing the best I can with the cards I have been dealt. I am physically doing really well, with everything else it's a day to day thing.

1) My Sister is doing OK, she is getting spot radiation treatment on her clavicle to shrink that & continues with her regular treatment for lung cancer (that mass has shrunk & has stayed the same for a while) If you would see her you would not even know she has cancer.

2) My Mom is a little better we moved her to a way better facility. She was not happy the first couple of weeks as she was confused & irritated we moved her. We only did this as we felt her needs were not being met at the old facility. So so far so good.

3) Job search has been a challenge it is a very limited job pool that can pay the same kind of salary where I am at now. I continue to put out resumes, and although I am not happy where I am currently at I will continue to try to move on to something else. It will happen eventually.

4) I started counseling & then stopped, I am going to talk to my wife's IC today to see if she can give me a reference for someone to see. I had an IC I started with but was via Webex which I did not like & I didn't feel he was that great anyway.

The wife continues with IC, and we have our good days & bad. Kind of had a weird situation with the her family last week. She turned 45 (mid life crisis anyone?) on Tuesday, and was getting Bday wishes from friends & family. The AP, liked some of the photos & said Happy Birthday (through some of their mutual friends, WW is not FB friends with him) My Father-in-Law saw this and instant messaged him via FB and told him to stay the F away or their would be consequences (basically a threat). I was told the AP pulled down his post immediately. The wife & I did not even know this happened until a day or so later. Of course it was on the best friends post so the AP reached out to her telling her what went down with my Father in law, which got back to my wife. The WW & I sat down with her Mom & Stepdad and sorted this out that she wanted them to not escalate things like this. The Step-dad said well I am not really sorry I am protecting my family but said he would not do it again. So my WW tried to pull this is why you shouldn't have told them what was going on. I said this is why you don't bring a third person into a marriage. Her, crickets....

[This message edited by CM70 at 9:46 AM, February 15th (Monday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8633402
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

Glad to hear things are stable with your sister and mother.

So my WW tried to pull this is why you shouldn't have told them what was going on.

Your WW has one hell of a thick skull.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8633420
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

Thank you ASC, that has been the hardest part of this all is dealing with all this at once. It's like God is putting me through the ultimate test & seeing if I will break. I know many people in this world have problems that I can't even imagine, so I try not to dwell on my thoughts of woe is me.

Yes she has a very thick skull, which is what her parents told her when we had our sit down meeting. They are terrified I am going to leave her & the repercussions that would follow for her that she cannot see in her current state.

[This message edited by CM70 at 10:57 AM, February 15th (Monday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8633424
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J0ck ( Member #47763) posted at 5:19 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

Nice reply to the wife.

posts: 75   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2015   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8633435
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 5:32 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

CM70,

Glad to hear things are looking up with your sister and mother.

Your wife really seems to be focused on protecting her reputation. She didn’t want you to inform the family and wants to keep the kids from knowing (if you divorce). I think you’re approaching it absolutely correctly - keep shining a bright light on the affair. Sounds like she has a lot more work to do with the IC to own this issue and show real remorse (for causing you and her family pain) as opposed to regret (at getting caught).

Has she been reading any of the books/articles from the Healing Library? Has she been trying to follow some of the steps/suggestions in those books? She should be pro-actively taking steps to understand why she did this and taking the necessary steps to prevent similar situations going forward - such as erasing the toxic best friend from her life.

Lastly, nice reply to the wife. Made me laugh!

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8633441
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 9:14 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

To me, I see that as your WW protecting the AP. If she were truly remorseful She’d be thanking her stepdad. And she wouldn’t be questioning anyone you want to tell. If she were truly rebuilding and trying to make you feel safe she’d support your decision of telling anyone you feel you need to.

I feel you are getting “barely enough” from her and the approach you are taking to responding to her infidelity is letting her string you along in what probably be a false reconciliation.

Sorry. Just my opinion. Glad to discuss alternative approaches or modifying yours if you like but I feel you are hell bent to stay on the path you are traveling.

Best wishes.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8633486
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 10:17 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

Yes she has a very thick skull, which is what her parents told her when we had our sit down meeting. They are terrified I am going to leave her & the repercussions that would follow for her that she cannot see in her current state.

If that happens, so be it. I stuck around thru two false R's and a part of the reason was that I felt the need to babysit my WW. She suffers from depression. Later did I learn that what happens to her happens to her. I have to take care of myself and heal myself. and she needs to take care of herself.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4452   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8633497
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 12:13 AM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

She turned 45 (mid life crisis anyone?) on Tuesday, and was getting Bday wishes from friends & family. The AP, liked some of the photos & said Happy Birthday (through some of their mutual friends, WW is not FB friends with him) My Father-in-Law saw this and instant messaged him via FB and told him to stay the F away or their would be consequences (basically a threat).

I was told the AP pulled down his post immediately. The wife & I did not even know this happened until a day or so later. Of course it was on the best friends post so the AP reached out to her telling her what went down with my Father in law, which got back to my wife.

The WW & I sat down with her Mom & Stepdad and sorted this out that she wanted them to not escalate things like this. The Step-dad said well I am not really sorry I am protecting my family but said he would not do it again.

So my WW tried to pull this is why you shouldn't have told them what was going on. I said this is why you don't bring a third person into a marriage. Her, crickets...

So, your wife cheats for six months, and her low-life best friend enables and encourages it. The affair partner thinks it is fine for him to pass messages to your wife via the low-life affair-enabling best friend. And the one person who is taken to task and told to back off is your father-in-law???

I have three things to say: (1) W (2) T (3) F?

Seriously, the one person in this debacle who actually did something right - your father-in-law - is the one person who you sat down with as if he was the bad guy and told to behave himself???

How upside down and back to front is that?

I know you are having a tough time, but both you and your wife owe your father-in-law a huge apology. And you need to absorb the hard truth that your father-in-law is one of your allies in this whole mess that your wife, her toxic best friend - why is she still in touch with that vile woman? - and the POS affair partner (plus your wife's workmates) cooked up between them.

Do not attack your allies. The man entered the fray on your side, and you sat down with your cheating wife and told him to stop making waves???? Why would you do that?

Who told the toxic friend to butt out? Nobody.

Who told the AP to butt out? Your father-in-law. Not you, not your WW.

And who got told he was the bad guy? Your father-in-law.

What's wrong with this picture?

Think about it. You sitting beside your wife and telling your father-in-law to back off is like landing an artillery barrage on your own side. Stop doing that.

Your wife has a whole toxic crew around her that enabled her affair (her workmates and the toxic best friend that she is still talking to - why???? - but who have you got?

Only one person was held accountable in this latest incident, and it was the one person who is on your side and who is prepared to fight back against the forces who are actively engaged in destroying your marriage.

Why would you not only allow that to happen, but assist it happening? What benefit do you get from telling the one person with enough backbone to tell the AP to get lost that he needs to sit down, shut up, and not interfere? Have you told your wife's toxic best friend to back off and shut up?

Do not fight your allies. They are looking out for you and your kids. Which is more than your wife, her toxic best friend, and her affair partner are doing. And yet no-one is telling them to behave.

If your wife's AP had not piped up, your father-in-law would not have done anything. Who has held the AP accountable for his actions? Did you and your WW sit down with him and tell him to behave himself? Of course not. Did you and your WW sit down with the toxic friend and tell her to behave herself? Of course not.

The only person who got grilled was someone who is on your side. You are bombing your own troops, and that is not going to help you win the war, if it can be won.

Please apologize to your father-in-law for the criticism he was subjected to for proactively engaging with your wife's AP to try and protect you, your children, and your marriage. He supported you; you should support him.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:17 PM, February 15th (Monday)]

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8633513
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 12:35 AM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

CM70,

Simply put, it doesn't look like you have much to work with here. There doesn't seem to be much reason to not start moving in the legal direction.

She is not remorseful. You can't wish her remorseful. You can either sit around and wait, or do something about it.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8633515
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:19 AM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

It is sad to see that nothing really has changed. I have read my previous posts on this thread. If I would say something it wouldn't be different from them, and that made me feel like I was a bad person. I felt as if I insistently wanted your marriage to be ended. Why would I want people I don't know to end their marriage and their unhappiness? But when I read your posts, I can't say anything else. Your wife shows no remorse, she doesn't even pass near. Her words about her stepfathers behavior is another indicator of this.

Your answer was really good. But what good is if it doesn't matter to your WW who is right and who is wrong? I don't mean you did wrong. But this would be a pyrus victory, you triumph but get nothing. I was also very good at winning the argument. But nobody gave up saying "oh how right you were".There were a lot of unnecessary, ridiculous arguments gone. Looking at it today, I wish I could have left without a word, which I did after a while.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8633528
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