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Newest Member: 30yearsofheartache

Divorce/Separation :
Having a hard time

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 Devasated (original poster new member #75718) posted at 2:58 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

D day was 2 months ago, he wants a divorce because our marriage was in its "final death throws". However I was not feeling the same sediment. I did what I was supposed to do, visit a physician, contact and retain an attorney, being extremely careful and diligent regarding finances'.

I found out he flew to AP home town and has spent the last 2 weeks (so far) with her. I am hurt all over again! I was doing better, although I feel like I backslide big time! I have not actually instructed my attorney to file as of yet. I have told him several times that he wants the divorce he needs to file. I am sick of cleaning up his messes!

7+ years married
10+ together
No children together
Raised his 2 youngest

posts: 23   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Chicago, IL
id 8614631

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 3:21 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

Why not file first and send him the bill? Then get the heck out of infidelity! Life is good on the other side. Takes time for the heart to catch up with the head but you will get there. Big hugs to you!

Also wanted to add that if you file first it will feel empowering, taking your power back!

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8444   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8614634

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:21 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

Remember to give yourself grace. It really is the rollercoaster ride from hell. It takes around 2-5 years to recover from this. You're still early in your journey.

I'm sorry that you're hurting. This really sucks and it will hurt for awhile. You'll get through this in time, but it hurts.

I filed because my STBXWH would have been happy to stay married but invest his time and energy in other women. It took me awhile to realize that I didn't want R because he was such a jerk to me for the last decade of our M. As CBS said, it took time for my heart to catch up with my head.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2184   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8614644

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:03 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

Yeah, don’t think of it as cleaning up his messes so much as taking control of your future.

It hurts, I know. But the healing really starts when you can detach from him.


Who do you have IRL to support you? Are you in IC or talking to your BFF, sister, mother, pastor... It helps to have that support.

And by the way, very impressed with all that you have achieved already. Took me a lot longer to do those basic steps— be proud of yourself. You are doing great.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5386   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8614682

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:11 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

It doesn’t matter who files or who files first. The goal is to get out from living with a cheater.

This way you can start living without all the disrespect and drama.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13218   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8614694
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