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After 43 years....

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newlife03 posted 2/16/2021 15:28 PM

Now who will be by my side when the beasts return?

We are here for you. You are not alone.

HalfTime2017 posted 2/16/2021 16:42 PM

Dont hold you breathe on her apologizing for the pain she caused. In her eyes, she is the victim. She had to do this b/c poor little her wasn't loved enough.....

I'm almost 4 yrs out, and no apology, and you know what, that's okay. You move on, and thats that. No Karma, no remorse, no apology. Don't wait for it. Just move on. If it ever happens, well, you can decide at that time if it even remotely makes up for all the bullshit they put you through. It will never be enough anyway

Organic2003 posted 2/16/2021 21:34 PM

Hi Dan,

I have watched and read your thread from the start. Never commented because of the great contributors on SI helping. I am glad you feel the divorce is going fairly, I was worried you were getting the short end with her leaving her business to die.

My main worry and itís a major one. I beat 2 cancers prostate and bladder and she was both times right next to me every seconds of the fights. Now who will be by my side when the beasts return?

Are the cancers part of the reason she bailed? The numbers seem to show many (most) bail on there husbands with prostrate cancer.

That hits home for me, I was just informed of stage 4 cancer. Do you have children (I did not go look though your posts). For me the news of my cancer is almost liberating, I get to die and put my mind movies to rest, I have had a big life and am ok with the end, I have been a decent man. That was until my daughter and son just totally melted down with the news.

I hope you have someone by your side if it rears its ugly head again.

With all my love and hope,


BlackRaven posted 2/16/2021 22:00 PM


I don't know if this is a comfort, but I know of two couples where one developed cancer after their divorce and the ex-spouse still took care of them.

The marriage may be over but the history together isn't.

And hopefully, there will be new friends and sources of support to share your journey, wherever it leads.

BlackRaven posted 2/16/2021 22:00 PM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 12:38 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

BlackRaven posted 2/16/2021 22:00 PM

duplicate post

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 10:00 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

Dan90254 posted 2/16/2021 22:18 PM

Iím really sorry to hear that. Sorry and sad brother.
I had prostate cancer in 2008 and bladder in 2013. She was extremely supportive both times before and after surgeries. Luckily I did not have any ...inconvenient side effects after robotic Da Vinci surgery. We resumed our sex life in fact 3 weeks after the operation.
She was really the perfect spouse up until March 2019 when she fell for that guy. Then the lies started.
Thereís a good chance of recurrence with both types of cancer so I know Iím on borrowed time but arenít we all?
I also had a good and fulfilling life. Men in my family die young. My father 62, my brother 60 and my grand father 57. Iíll be 67 next month so I consider myself lucky. But when the time comes it would have been nice to have her by my side. I mean the ďbeforeĒ her.
I Ďll be thinking of you hoping for better news.

[This message edited by Dan90254 at 10:18 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 2/17/2021 17:47 PM

She has now become "the beast", and a cold one too. Try to enjoy your life Dan, once the ink is dry, if she tries to make contact, simply ignore her, remember she's NOT your friend, she's the person who betrayed you, block her.

Dan90254 posted 3/16/2021 10:05 AM

Update no2.
She came home last night as was planned. She is staying until Apr03. I went to pick her up at LAx and we were not out of the parking lot when she already dropped that she had a great hiking with POS and his kids 2 days prior. Then she casually mentionned that he had dropped her off at the airport after her spending the night at his place. Of course I kinda k ew all that but listening to my wife of 43 years telling me that she is now living her life with another man was crushing.
She has moved on. I havenít yet. She has replaced me. She is in love with another man and that hurts.
She wants to drive with me to the place I bought in Las Vegas. I donít know if I should let her in in the house where I intend to reconstruct myself. The ink on the divorce papers is not dry yet so Iím still the nice guy who doesnt want to make waves.
I cant tell her to pound sand without risking her to renege on her words. Iím hurting badly.

Bigger posted 3/16/2021 10:13 AM

Dan Ė Iím OK with being cordial but I think you are well within any expectations if you let her know that the divorce is too fresh for you to find any interest or to find it appropriate for her to share her love-life with you. I get the long history, but her divorce didnít change your title from husband to confident or friend.
I strongly suggest you let her know you need space and time away from her and NO Ė your residence in LV is of no concern to her.

DanielJK posted 3/16/2021 10:18 AM

I hear you Dan, that your XWW loves another man stings like hell.

I'm with you. We have been betrayed in the worst possible way by the person we loved and trusted most. It hurts. I don't think anyone who has not experienced this kind of hurt knows its depth and breadth.

Don't bring her to the LV house. That should be reserved for friends and family. Don't let her walk away thinking that everything is OK, it's not. What she did is horrible.

Not sure why she felt the need to discuss the POS with you. I think there is something in waywards that allows them to be cruel without guilt. My STBXWW seems to enjoy being cruel, yours may be that way too.

Do you have to stay together? I just feel like you need that final separation to be able to get on with life.

I wish you the best. Hope you find peace soon.

Bigger posted 3/16/2021 10:43 AM

She needs to talk about OM to feel accepted. You sitting there and listening to her share how OM deep-fried frogs legs (or whatever French womanizers do to woo their femmes) and how accepting his kids are is all part of her soothing her conscience.
If her friends were to ask her how you were taking it she would be ďheís OK. We talked about Pierre on the drive from the airport and Iím going to see his new place in VegasĒ implying you are hunky-dory with everything.

Itís a lose-lose situation for you actually: If you go along you are condoning her decision, if you tell her to leave you in peace you are a vindictive and sad old man. Since you cant win as far as sheís concerned then go along with whatís best for you.

fareast posted 3/16/2021 11:04 AM

Agree totally with Bigger. You donít need to listen to that hurtful crap. She treats you like you should care about her life. Ignore. Telling her you are not interested in her current life is not making waves. You are not friends. What she did was a terrible betrayal. Be the gray rock. If you must be around her share nothing just gray rock. No chit chat. And I sure as hell would not let her near your new place in Vegas. She gave up that right. Good luck.

grubs posted 3/16/2021 11:06 AM

Not sure why she felt the need to discuss the POS with you.

Its a way to keep you in your lane and signaling unavailability. Just like someone in a committed relationship finds a way to bring up bf/gf/spouse when being chatted up. I did it to a co-worker at a work related conference a few years back and was taken aback at the change in temperature. It's not always a conscious decision, as it wasn't for me. It was only later after I reflected on that temp change that I realized that it happened after I mentioned the wife.

I still haven't figured out if the temp change was due to my awkwardness or the unconscious not available being sent. Not that that matters.

src9043 posted 3/16/2021 12:05 PM

Do not play her game. If she can get you to act as if everything is copasetic, that will relieve her from any guilt she may feel. My ex-wife did that to me for years. She has also badmouthed me behind my back. Another tool she has used to justify her behavior. The fact that my life has turned out pretty good without her also infuriates her. My advice is to go NC and work on what makes you happy. Do not let her know anything about your life from this point forward. She should be dead to you. That is what she deserves.

ShutterHappy posted 3/16/2021 12:06 PM

Dan: you have to stick to your boundaries. Donít let her hurt you.

how OM deep-fried frogs legs (or whatever French womanizers do to woo their femmes)

Bigger, are you always this prejudiced? How about the Mexican and the Blacks? Care to say something about them too?

Bigger posted 3/16/2021 14:51 PM


No Ė I hope IĎm not always this prejudiced and hope that other posts I have made show that I generally am not prejudiced. I apologize if my lame attempt at humor by portraying some stereotypical Frenchman caused insult. Non intended, ce la vie.

Stevesn posted 3/16/2021 15:25 PM

Non intendu

Now you just insulted all the French Teachers out there

Stevesn posted 3/16/2021 15:28 PM

Dan, Iím confused. Are you fully D now? Why are you spending any time with her? And I hope visiting you in LV is a joke.

If she is no longer your wife and sheís now full time partner of the other man itís time to remove her from your life.

Dan90254 posted 3/16/2021 18:59 PM

We both lawyered up and the esquires are doing their things. Petition was set up and is in the process of being confirmed.
My STBXW now lives mostly in France taking care of her mother during the day and of her boyfriend in the evenings. She flew in yesterday to meet with her partner and to see our son. I told her back in early February that I was looking at houses in LV. She learned probably through our son that I had bought one then she said she wanted to see it. I was debating whether that was a good idea. You guys convinced me it wasn't so I cancelled the SUV from Entreprise earlier. She doesn't stay with me but in the next door condo which belongs to her mother and where our son lives. The mother went back to France when her health declined.
We don't have much contact except in front of our son. So far we kept things polite and cordial except for one evening during her November visit when I lost it and threw all her stuff over the 2 nd floor balcony. Our D should be simple. I already split the money. We agree on her share of my pension. Remains the house which is now for sale. We will split it evenly.
She had definitely turned the page and chapter and book of good old me. She has moved on. She has replaced me and do not even consider me like a feasible plan B. She has convinced herself and others that hers was a beautiful love story and not a sordid unfaithful affair despite the fact that she lied to me for almost 2 years. I can feel it. This is not to say that I would accept it. But it hurts. It hurts terribly looking back at old photos and thinking at all the places where we have been and being in the travel industry for the last 40 years you better believe we ve been to lots of places. Still there were so many more to discover together. It hurts being rejected and knowing that she enjoys the OM 's company better. I often told her during our 40 some years together that if one day I don't make her laugh any longer she should dump me. Well I didn't realize the sountrack has stopped.
Am I over her? No, of course not. Do I want her back? Really not sure. That won't happen anyway. She has become a regular liar even for trivial inconsequential little things. She lies for no apparent reason. I guess she got the practice lying for something as heavy as an affair for 2 years.
she walked in the the house we shared for 22 years last night and barely noticed that all the frames, photos, books, plants and 2 sofas were gone. She seemed so detached of things and memories attached to them it's almost scary. Do those things mean anything to her? Does she remember that we made love on those sofas? Does she recall that we had tons of laughs with friends and family around that table? I'm not so sure she does or worse cares.
She is not the same woman I knew. I don't like the hew her and yet I'm still hurting and feeling very sad.

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