Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
WH agreed to sit down and answer questions

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Keepingit2gether (original poster Member #75908) posted at 6:27 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post yesterday. Today (after 4 months of TT), my WH finally told me he wants to sit down and answer any questions I may have. I have started a list, but I’m wondering if it is wise to ask a lot of these questions since I know the answers will hurt.

Did anyone go through this with their WS? Were there questions you asked that you wish you had skipped over or questions you didn’t ask that you regretted not getting an answer to? I know this may very well be his way of cleaning his conscience, but I’m glad he has finally reached this place...I just don’t know if it’ll help or make things worse for me.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2020
id 8612332
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:25 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

I started asking questions the moment my W revealed her A.

IMO, honesty is crucial to R and M and to life itself. That includes being honest with oneself, so I wanted the whole truth, hurtful though it was.

Also, I wanted to know of any deal killers as early as possible, because I didn't want to spend months or years in an R with some deal killer lurking below the surface.

But that's me. I recommend this approach, but it's your choice. I can't emphasize this too much:

Do what you think is best for you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:26 PM, November 26th (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8612340
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 7:52 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Do you believe that he is going to be 100% honest with you?

If so, the first (2) questions I would ask is:

1. "Are you still in contact with the OW?"

2. "WHY are you willing to do this now? With the hope to reconcile? Or are you trying to help me with my inner turmoil?"

UNLESS the purpose is to give you the truth, so you can make some sense of what happened. I can only say what I think I would do in my situation--and that is, if we aren't trying to reconcile, we are working on divorcing. The last thing I would want is to stay in a state of limbo.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8612343
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 Keepingit2gether (original poster Member #75908) posted at 8:14 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

"WHY are you willing to do this now? With the hope to reconcile? Or are you trying to help me with my inner turmoil?"

Honestly, I think it’s because of the inner demons he’s fighting. I think he figures once he’s honest some of the guilt/shame he is carrying around will go away.

I started asking questions the moment my W revealed her A.

Unfortunately, I found a lot of things out from the AP. He denied it was more than a friendship (didn’t even want to call it an EA) until she dropped the bomb. What I have heard from him is “she knew it was just sex” (she is also married with two children), “it hasn’t been three years” (I count the A from the moment he started something inappropriate with her), and other useless bits of info.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2020
id 8612349
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Brusselsprouts ( Member #75663) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

My WH was still lying to me even after I found out. He went for a weekend away with the AP the next day after I had confronted him the night before. Sending me txt of wanting us together during that weekend. When he got home and we sat down to talk it was half truths and half lies.

I only got a better picture after he found out AP has been lying to him as she was still with her BF. I still have not gotten a full picture as both WH and AP are cowards who didn’t want to face the truth. My WH is a broken man that stemmed from his childhood of mother’s depression, SB by his sister and neglect from his parents. He has a warp idea of sex caused by the SB and even after seeing a psychologist he still could not resolve it as 1. He may not have been truthful during the sessions due to ego/shame. 2. It is always easier to give into his inner demons.

Just a thought, maybe you could ask AP those questions first since she is willing to tell you everything and from there figure out what other questions you might have or think about what your next step is going to be.

Sending hugs and strength.

posts: 58   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8612368
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:13 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

My suggestion to make this opportunity as helpful as possible.

1. Do not get angry no matter what he says. Once you get angry he will shut down and May refuse to answer more questions in the future.

2. Tell him that you Expect he will be completely honest. No more lies. No more half-truths. 💯% honesty. Otherwise this is a waste of time.

Do not ask him why he had an affair. The only plausible reason is b/c he wanted to. Or chose to. Everything else is an excuse or justification of the affair. And that makes me 😡 angry!

Also do not allow him to blame you for the affair. If he starts with the “I didn’t think you loved me anymore blah blah blah” crap then you need to tell him he made a choice to cheat. Period. He didn’t discuss it with you first so he made that decision on his own. And that is the end of that conversation.

You may want to ask him “what are his plans for the future?” Hopefully he will plan to get counseling for himself and say he wants to make amends, he would like to go to marriage counseling with you and make every effort to help you heal from his affair.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8612369
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Ariopolis ( Member #75786) posted at 1:48 AM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

The most important thing to remember is that the husband poacher will hear every single thing you say.

She will then twist or translate your meaning into exactly what makes you look bad and herself look angelic in comparison.

If I were you, I wouldn't bring her up at all, except to ask if he feels OK with destroying his family for someone who is obviously a liar and cheater.

I wouldn't discuss her to make sure she gets disappointed when she asks him what you said about her. She's sure to ask.

My attitude would be, if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. There's nothing special about her. And let him know that. BTW, she is the one to chase your H. How does he know there weren't other guys she tried to manipulate?

Also, if he starts talking about soul mates or some rot, let him know, soul mates don't lie, sneak around and destroy families. Soul mates are good, not something to be ashamed about.

I wonder if you would want to ask a mod to move this to the General Forum to get some Waywards to answer. It would be interesting to see if there were questions THEY were asked that made them worry if they were doing the right thing. Waywards aren't allowed to post in this forum. Just a suggestion.

Gosh, I really want this to work out for you. I loathe husband poachers. In my mind, they are the lowest of the low. True scum. At least sex workers are trying to make a living.

[This message edited by Ariopolis at 7:50 PM, November 26th (Thursday)]

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8612407
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 Keepingit2gether (original poster Member #75908) posted at 3:11 AM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

Just a thought, maybe you could ask AP those questions first since she is willing to tell you everything and from there figure out what other questions you might have or think about what your next step is going to be.

To be honest, I trust him more than I trust her at this point. She tried to act like his victim, like she was manipulated, when I know for a fact she knew he was married and she was living with her spouse as well. They’re both liars, but at least he’s the liar I know better.

You may want to ask him “what are his plans for the future?” Hopefully he will plan to get counseling for himself and say he wants to make amends, he would like to go to marriage counseling with you and make every effort to help you heal from his affair.

This part scares me. I don’t think he wants R. Although we were seemingly happy, he has said a lot of things that make me wonder if he was miserable for a while and “hanging in there” as long as he could. I don’t think he wants her at all, but I do feel this might’ve been his exit affair, unless I’m wrong about what exit affairs are.

I wonder if you would want to ask a mod to move this to the General Forum to get some Waywards to answer. It would be interesting to see if there were questions THEY were asked that made them worry if they were doing the right thing. Waywards aren't allowed to post in this forum. Just a suggestion. [\quote]

Great suggestion! How would I get in touch with mods?

posts: 73   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2020
id 8612425
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Brusselsprouts ( Member #75663) posted at 10:09 AM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

That’s fair enough if you feel that you could trust your WH a little more.

When the 1stWife said and your reply about being scared that he doesn’t want R- have you given a thought about how you will proceed if R is not happening? And also take care of yourself, have you gone for IC?

posts: 58   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8612496
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 Keepingit2gether (original poster Member #75908) posted at 1:24 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

have you given a thought about how you will proceed if R is not happening? And also take care of yourself, have you gone for IC? [\quote]

If he doesn’t want R, we’ll have to continue with the D (he filed, supposedly because I said I wanted it and told him to get a lawyer—again, we say a lot of things after DDay), but I don’t know if I can try to be his friend. It would hurt too much right now... I am in IC and even without it, I have learned a lot about my mistakes as a result of DDay too.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2020
id 8612514
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:34 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

I personally fear my imagination more than the truth.

I’m one of those that caught them in the act. Caught them in a position where nothing was left to the imagination. In so many way’s I’m glad of that because I can imagine intense porn-star mind-blowing life altering sex happening between them. Instead I saw plain sex. To me that was enough for me to decide what I had to do in my situation.

I strongly suggest asking the questions you fear because whatever you can conjure in your mind will probably be worse.

Don’t ask the AP. She has no direct gain from either lying or being truthful, but possible gain by being painful.

I think the key issue is for both of you to understand that any truth – no matter what – is less damaging NOW when there is an expectation of truth than they might be even only a week or a month from now.

A suggestion for the first question:

Do you want to remain married?

I would want a very clear answer to that. Basically a yes or no with no buts or excuses or limitations. Fact is the next questions are IMHO totally dependent on the answer to this question.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8612515
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

"WHY are you willing to do this now? With the hope to reconcile? Or are you trying to help me with my inner turmoil?"

Honestly, I think it’s because of the inner demons he’s fighting. I think he figures once he’s honest some of the guilt/shame he is carrying around will go away.

You may be projecting. He may or may not truly have guilt. We guess a lot of supposed thoughts our significant others may be having, whether cheater or not, and very often we are off base. I like the posters question, but minus suggesting any answers. If fact whatever questions you ask, it may be best to leave out any suggestions if the answer isn't satisfying you.

Good luck and take care.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8612525
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

question with care.

means once you hear something you cannot unhear it.

so word your questions to peel away the facts. example a

person may think they want to know every detail about the

sex. though if they ask did you have sex, where, how often

one may realize that is all they can handle knowing.

so it was a good thing they did not ask about the sex acts,

body comparisons, how good was the sex, was the AP better.

again not saying it is wrong to ask those questions if you need

those answers. by going slow you can always change your

mind.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8612526
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

"WHY are you willing to do this now? With the hope to reconcile? Or are you trying to help me with my inner turmoil?"

Honestly, I think it’s because of the inner demons he’s fighting. I think he figures once he’s honest some of the guilt/shame he is carrying around will go away.

I think maybe you're giving this guy too much credit. After cheating and lying to you for three YEARS, he's finally busted. And instead of throwing himself on your mercy and begging for a chance to make it right, he finds an apartment and files for divorce practically overnight. This guy is a walking example of DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) who has turned the tables on you. He's victimized by "all the damage", and now it's on you to pursue him in order to try and save the marriage.

Honestly, I don't think I'd cooperate with that. What's the point in him answering your questions when clearly he's NOT sorry for what he's done. People who are sorry and who love their spouse and who want to save the marriage don't file for divorce. His mouth might move, but his ACTIONS reveal the truth.

I'll be honest with you. My own DDay was almost six years ago. On that day, I told my WH I was divorcing him and that I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't going to listen to his apologies or his excuses. I didn't care about the details. We were done. He could split the banking and I'd go find us a lawyer. Of course, he immediately contacted his latest OW and started whining to her, but.. he was also doing the math. After confrontation, I pretty much ignored him, but within a week, it was him asking ME for time to prove himself.

R doesn't work when the WS is setting the terms. In the beginning, the BS needs to be in the one-up and the WS needs to be learning to respect new boundaries. If you have a sincere WS, in time, new trust and respect can be built. After that, the relationship would become equal again. There's a climbing back up phase that can't be ignored, because when it is, the WS doesn't do the work it takes to repair their broken character. He has to rise up to your level, not you lowering yourself to his.

DARVO puts the onus on you to make things right for him, not the other way around. I think if it were me, I wouldn't bother meeting him for a Q and A. I'd tell, "What's the point? You're clearly NOT sorry for what you've done. If you were, you'd be trying to make things right, not filing for divorce. If you decide to pull your head out of your ass, let me know."

We say around here that "you have to be willing to risk the marriage in order to have a chance at saving it". Boiled down, what that means is that you need the upper hand. You're in a power struggle that you need to win, even if it ends in divorce. Otherwise, you're stuck with an unrepentant cheater who never changes, and THAT is an unacceptable fate.

Remember that YOU are the prize here. He might feel like he's in the catbird seat right now deciding between two lovers. But he hasn't realized that YOUR life will move on as well, and that one day, YOU will have other lovers and maybe another husband. You could have heard a pin drop when I told my WH that I actually did intend to enjoy an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship again, and that if it wasn't with him, it would be with someone else.

The WS is often so wrapped up in his own version of reality that he doesn't think very clearly. My WH thought I'd "be alone forever". Unbeknownst to me at the time, he'd actually written that to one of the OW. He was shocked when I disabused him of that notion, and jealous.

My advice to you would be to continue on with your attorney. Get the settlement that YOU want along with the child custody arrangements in YOUR favor. Call your WH out on his shit. Tell him that you recognize DARVO when you see it and that HE is not the victim here. Tell him that you KNOW he's not sorry because you can see it in his ACTIONS. Go ahead and let your temper show. The guy is treating you like you just fell off the turnip truck. Put his back against the wall until he's sputtering out his excuses. Make him give you an answer as to WHY he filed for divorce and then CALL HIM ON HIS BULLSHIT. Leave the ball in his court, he knows where to find you if he ever wants to pull his head out of his ass. Make it clear to him that you're NOT going to chase him and that if he doesn't want this divorce, he better dig deep and find a way to make it right.

Right now, he's got the upper hand in the power dynamic. Once that's changed, you'll have a better idea as to whether he's willing to work. Reverse his DARVO and fly it back in his face. You've got nothing to lose right now but a cheater who's telling you clearly that he's too lazy to work on it.

((big hugs))

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8612529
Topic is Sleeping.
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