Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Third time-ish

Topic is Sleeping.
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 HatsOff (original poster New Member #75906) posted at 9:26 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

This is my second time on a infidelity support board. My third-ish time dealing with this issue.

First history. Married almost 28 years. 9 kids almost grown.

First affair happened after 5 years of marriage. The second happened 10 years after that.

They were full on sneaking around behind my back affairs. Once was with an ex-girlfriend and one was a co-worker. Both times, my husband confessed before I caught him, though I was suspicious of course. I don't think he was actively looking but we were in an unhappy place in our marriage both times.

I have qualified this as third-ish for two reasons. First, about 5 years ago a former "friend with benefits" contacted him, I wasn't happy about being back in contact but he insisted she was mostly a friend. It seemed he didn't remember telling me he had sexual contact with her before we met and it was clear she was into him anyway. That is why she was a former friend. I made him cut contact when we married because her intentions were so clear to me.

Anyway, he was traveling on business to her town. She invited him over for dinner. I told him not to go. He insisted it was okay. She was married with kids now. She was in an open marriage though, so that didn't matter to me.

He went anyway. He didn't admit he went. I tracked him using the find my ipad app.

I moved out of bedroom into the spare room when he got home. He was able to get into my good graces eventually and even discovered I was right when she wrote him a long email about how much she misses him.

So that was 2 1/2 to me.

So now we are facing 3-ish. Once again it isn't a full blown affair. I'm not sure he even met anyone but he was definitely looking. I was napping and he didn't know I woke up. I could see he was on an escort site online. He was just perusing photos so I figured that was all it was but I wanted to be sure. Every time I checked his computer the history was wiped. That was suspicious.

Then yesterday, he was alone in our room on the computer when our daughter called him out to help with her car. He left the room with the computer still on. I checked his history and found the website he was visiting.

I also found a chat with a girl saying he would pay for services and though it didn't look like it would work out, he'd wouldn't mind meeting up if he was in her town in the future. I didn't have time to look any farther so I don't know if there are others.

I went into full panic mode. I started hyperventilating. I tried to go back to the laundry but couldn't focus. I knew I had to talk to him but there were kids to get to work and he was dealing with our daughter's car so I had to put it off.

I dropped my son at work and went to the grocery store. I couldn't go inside. I was too out of control. I was crying and shaking still.

I called my friend.

I know I shared too much in the past so I chose carefully a friend that he never sees and not a family member. She will be my only outside support.

I told her I thought I had to tell my husband to move out then I laid out the whole story. She talked me down. I was able to make a plan and calm down enough to shop.

When I got home, my husband was in bed with the lights out. I told him we need to talk and said "I want you to move out."

Of course he asked why and I laid it all out. I didn't apologize for snooping. I told him I had a right to with our history and I didn't let him turn the discussion back onto me, which he often does.

At first he told me was looking for a nuru massage. (That is both people are naked and oiled up and there is full body contact.) He said that we had talked about it and I said it was okay.

I vaguely remember talking about it and suggesting he'd enjoy that but nothing I said and nothing in our history should've led him to believe I'd be okay with that.

Then he told he he was just looking at pictures because they are more real than porn videos. (Another habit I'm not happy with but tolerate)

Then he tried to blame me for lack of affection to him and putting the kids' needs ahead of him.

The kid argument is a combination of him not helping at all with the kids and me being pissed at him about that. But that is mostly in the past. The kids are all grown now except one.

The affection argument stems from his ED and refusal to do anything if we can't have intercourse.

After I was talked out I went back to dishes and laundry and helping my senior investigate colleges. He went to bed but kept coming out to check on me.

We don't have a spare room now so I had no other place to sleep. I went to our room. Took a long shower and pampered myself. Then got into bed with my dogs and my sleep headphones.

He started bugging me, then kissing me. I eventually gave in and we had a good romp. (Still no intercourse though.)

He asked if I wanted to see his profile. I said no. I didn't need more things running around my head. He told me anyway.

He said, he was listed as an old fat former-photographer looking for models. He claims he has been doing straight photo portfolios for girls, just headshots or fully clothed outdoor shoots.

He has told me he had some photography jobs recently, though he said they were some high school seniors. He even stayed in a town less than 30 minutes away overnight when he had a shoot that day and the next.

I realize it's incredible that I bought that story now.

I tried to get back on his computer today to see if I could find his log in for the website he was on. He has changed his computer password, I can't use it at all.

I'm sure he thinks he was safe because his ED makes it impossible for him to actually have intercourse with anyone. And no, he isn't using pills. We've tried all three major ones to no affect. He also has other health issues that make the pills less than ideal for him.

He's called me half a dozen times today and sent a couple emails and texts. He says he is nervous.

I'm not sure where I'm at. I can't go on like nothing happened. I can't accept it was just a lark. I don't buy his excuses. I think he was unhappy and upset with me for a while (we had have some other issues recently mostly involving money arguments but kids too.) His pattern is to look elsewhere when he is unhappy in our marriage.

I know this is long but I had to get it all out to a group who has been there. Thanks for reading to the end.

Advice is welcome.

Me:51 WS:50
Married 28 years
9 kids from 32-17
D-day #1 1996 PA
D-day #2 2005 PA-Exit
D-day #2.5 2015 Potential PA
D-day #3 Nov.23,2020 Online/escort

posts: 48   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8611920
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:53 AM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

You know the truth about him, your marital issues and his choice to cheat. It’s nothing new. He just hides it well at times and gets caught other times.

You need to Heal yourself first and foremost. Stop thinking you are in a monogamous relationship or marriage. Stop thinking he’s going to change. Stop thinking his cheating has anything to do with you. Because it doesn’t. It has everything to do with him.

Accept he is a serial cheater — meaning he does it again and again. It’s not whether sex is involved. It’s the emotional aspect of his cheating, the lying, etc.

You live in limbo because you know he’s going to do it again. You cannot stop him.

The only thing you can stop is your utter and complete devastation by his cheating. Accept him for what he is. You will stop being blindsided by his choices.

Then you need to decide if you are leaving him or what the future holds for your marriage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:36 PM, November 26th (Thursday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8611964
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homewrecked2011 ( Member #34678) posted at 1:12 AM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

He sounds like my xws., They live in some other realm or plane of existence. I think my xwh got on the wrong track prob in his teen years. But no matter, he never could get into “normal” thinking patterns.

I learned in Alanon that you don’t have to explain to anyone (including your spouse) why you want a divorce. They are so sick they will never understand anyway.

In my case I secretly saw an atty and I felt so much better!!!! He told me how to make him leave, how much I’d get monthly, how I could get the house, etc. At that point I finally had options!!!!!!! Prior to meeting the atty, I was in a constant circle of thoughts. The atty appt was my lifeline, and I could use it whenever I was ready.

(And my kids got lots more financial aid living with me.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:13 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5360   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8611970
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 2:01 AM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

HatsOff. He’s a serial cheater. You know this. And he lies. You know this, too.

And it sucks.

I am glad you are ready to take care of yourself. Please continue to do that:

1) See your doctor and get tested for all STDs. He lies. A lot. You do not need any medical issues from him. It’s embarrassing but doctors have seen it all, and are quite caring. Please do this right away.

2) Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get some exercise. This help your body and your mind. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doc.

3) See a lawyer or three. Learn what Divorce (D) might look like. You do not need to file or make any decision, but knowledge is power. Knowing what the future options are will take away some fear and give you back power.

4) Read in the healing library (upper left in yellow box), especially about the 180. With the 180, you go about your life and leave him to his own devices. You focus on you. You dont do his laundry, make him dinner, anything. It gives you the mental space to focus on your needs and determining what you want.

5) Keep confiding in your friend IRL. Many of us used IC (individual counseling) to help us navigate this situation and help you decide what you want to do.

Keep posting, and remember that his cheating has NOTHING to do with you. It is not because you didn’t have enough sex or the house was not clean or whatever. It is because he has SHITTY coping mechanisms. It is 100% on him, 0% on you.

Hang in there lady. You will get through this.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4210   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8611978
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BellaLee ( Member #58324) posted at 11:22 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Hi @HatsOff, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all these in your marriage. You are certainly right when you say you can't go on like nothing happened. I know from my own experience that rug sweeping issues in a marriage especially to do with infidelity only causes more problems and pain in the future.

I remember also thinking that my husband and I could resolve the issues ourselves but that didn't work because of all the emotions involved.

We decided we needed IC and MC and to be honest this was a long process full of ups and downs but after many months of counseling, we began to see the end at the end of the tunnel. Fast forward 6 years we have reconciled and grateful to God, that our marriage was healed and restored.

Trust and faithfulness is an essential part of any marriage and breaking that trust is not justifiable with any excuse.

Would you consider IC for yourself and also for your husband especially. Hopefully MC as well, as you move forward. Praying for wisdom for you as you navigate this situation.

posts: 171   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8612385
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 HatsOff (original poster New Member #75906) posted at 7:12 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

BellaLee

I am working on getting counseling for myself. Thanks for the encouragement.

WS and I went to a marriage counselor after d-day #2 for a few months. It dropped off somehow. I think the main issue was money.

I’ve suggested our whole marriage that he needs IC. He flat out refuses. Don’t know where to go with that.

Me:51 WS:50
Married 28 years
9 kids from 32-17
D-day #1 1996 PA
D-day #2 2005 PA-Exit
D-day #2.5 2015 Potential PA
D-day #3 Nov.23,2020 Online/escort

posts: 48   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2020
id 8612729
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:55 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

I’ve suggested our whole marriage that he needs IC. He flat out refuses. Don’t know where to go with that

This could be a deal breaker for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8612732
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WhatsRight ( Member #35417) posted at 9:20 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

My husband has also refused to see a counselor individually, although he did see a couple of marriage counselors with me.

To answer your question, there is nowhere YOU can go with that. You can’t do it for him. I even tried to make an appointment for my H and the counselor told me that if he wasn’t interested enough to make the appointment himself, it was ridiculous for me to do it for him, because he obviously wasn’t serious about it.

Of course, I can’t tell you what to do. But I would have one suggestion. If it is possible, and it usually is, that you will not be together in the future, you might want to rethink being intimate with him. In some states, having consensual sex after finding out about infidelity is considered a “forgiveness“ for the infidelity.

Not sure where you live or if that would be an issue in your area/state.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8612739
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Crushed7 ( Member #41129) posted at 1:27 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

His pattern is to look elsewhere when he is unhappy in our marriage.

No. He excuses his actions by blaming you for him being unhappy. It is classic manipulative, blame-shifting behavior. The reality is that his pattern is that he repeatedly has and continues to look for opportunities to cheat.

From what you've written, your H is an unremorseful serial cheater who, as typically aligns with that behavior, is also an expert liar and manipulator. Take another look at your post again -- your H...

1. Hides his activities (browser history typically clean and now the password changed) which is intentional and a clear sign of not being transparent/honest.

2. Despite the hiding, has been caught through GPS or moments when he didn't think you would see something

3. When he is caught, he lies to try and avoid the situation and then switches to minimizing/deflecting when they doesn't work. Then...

4. He tries to turn things around so that you are to blame (you gave him permission, you gave in, you don't pay enough attention to him, etc.)

5. Finally, he tries to distract you or encourage you into sweeping things under the rug.

He isn't trustworthy and trust is foundational to any relationship. If he really was interested in building trust after having betrayed you, he would be honest instead of lying, would be fully transparent (no history hiding or passwords you don't know), would ensure he didn't have avenues of contact with other women and would recognize that he needs outside help.

Instead, you know of 2 affairs and two more situations where he was actively trying, but he hasn't taken any steps to correct that. You also aren't OK with his attitude towards porn (and no wonder given where he has taken it) or his attitude that Nuru is fine (not to mention his attempt to gaslight you into believing that position is somehow your fault). And he doesn't believe he has any issues where he needs help.

I went into full panic mode. I started hyperventilating... I dropped my son at work and went to the grocery store. I couldn't go inside. I was too out of control. I was crying and shaking still.

Your body inherently knows that you are being repeatedly abused and manipulated. However, after so many years and kids together, it can be really hard for the mind to wrap itself around how far apart the actions you are seeing are from the person you believed/wanted him to be. The starting point is to continue down the path of understanding who your H really is and what he is doing to you. Once you begin to see that more clearly, it will become easier for you to take the next steps in helping yourself heal and in sorting out how to deal with your H.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 7:36 AM, November 29th (Sunday)]

Me-BH
Her-WW
Last DDay-2012 (several month EA/PA)
Married 20+ years

posts: 3753   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2013
id 8612907
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twicefooled ( Member #42976) posted at 2:16 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I left my ex for the same reason you are considering leaving yours.

I had proof of DDay#1 was a full on affair on my exWH end. He moved in with her when I kicked him out after discovering that. He was gone for about 4 months before I allowed him to come back home.

Less than 6 months later he was trying to cheat again. I left. Yes, he didn't ACTUALLY meet up with anyone yet. BUT his trying to do so (in my eyes and heart) is just as bad. The willingness to step outside of me AGAIN was there. He didn't learn his lesson. His ego kibbles meant more to him than I did.

I have no regrets for doing so. To this day he still maintains that I had no right or reason to leave him. At this point in my life he can say what he wants to say because I know the real reason. I stayed faithful to our shitty marriage and he didn't.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 406   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8612910
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:42 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

To this day he still maintains that I had no right or reason to leave him

More evidence your cheating XH was never going to get it.

I guess someone forgot to tell him you actually don’t need a reason to leave him. Just like he didn’t need a reason to cheat. He just chose to be a cheater.

You chose to get out from under his infidelity. So you “left him”.

Good for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8612935
Topic is Sleeping.
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