This is my second time on a infidelity support board. My third-ish time dealing with this issue.
First history. Married almost 28 years. 9 kids almost grown.
First affair happened after 5 years of marriage. The second happened 10 years after that.
They were full on sneaking around behind my back affairs. Once was with an ex-girlfriend and one was a co-worker. Both times, my husband confessed before I caught him, though I was suspicious of course. I don't think he was actively looking but we were in an unhappy place in our marriage both times.
I have qualified this as third-ish for two reasons. First, about 5 years ago a former "friend with benefits" contacted him, I wasn't happy about being back in contact but he insisted she was mostly a friend. It seemed he didn't remember telling me he had sexual contact with her before we met and it was clear she was into him anyway. That is why she was a former friend. I made him cut contact when we married because her intentions were so clear to me.
Anyway, he was traveling on business to her town. She invited him over for dinner. I told him not to go. He insisted it was okay. She was married with kids now. She was in an open marriage though, so that didn't matter to me.
He went anyway. He didn't admit he went. I tracked him using the find my ipad app.
I moved out of bedroom into the spare room when he got home. He was able to get into my good graces eventually and even discovered I was right when she wrote him a long email about how much she misses him.
So that was 2 1/2 to me.
So now we are facing 3-ish. Once again it isn't a full blown affair. I'm not sure he even met anyone but he was definitely looking. I was napping and he didn't know I woke up. I could see he was on an escort site online. He was just perusing photos so I figured that was all it was but I wanted to be sure. Every time I checked his computer the history was wiped. That was suspicious.
Then yesterday, he was alone in our room on the computer when our daughter called him out to help with her car. He left the room with the computer still on. I checked his history and found the website he was visiting.
I also found a chat with a girl saying he would pay for services and though it didn't look like it would work out, he'd wouldn't mind meeting up if he was in her town in the future. I didn't have time to look any farther so I don't know if there are others.
I went into full panic mode. I started hyperventilating. I tried to go back to the laundry but couldn't focus. I knew I had to talk to him but there were kids to get to work and he was dealing with our daughter's car so I had to put it off.
I dropped my son at work and went to the grocery store. I couldn't go inside. I was too out of control. I was crying and shaking still.
I called my friend.
I know I shared too much in the past so I chose carefully a friend that he never sees and not a family member. She will be my only outside support.
I told her I thought I had to tell my husband to move out then I laid out the whole story. She talked me down. I was able to make a plan and calm down enough to shop.
When I got home, my husband was in bed with the lights out. I told him we need to talk and said "I want you to move out."
Of course he asked why and I laid it all out. I didn't apologize for snooping. I told him I had a right to with our history and I didn't let him turn the discussion back onto me, which he often does.
At first he told me was looking for a nuru massage. (That is both people are naked and oiled up and there is full body contact.) He said that we had talked about it and I said it was okay.
I vaguely remember talking about it and suggesting he'd enjoy that but nothing I said and nothing in our history should've led him to believe I'd be okay with that.
Then he told he he was just looking at pictures because they are more real than porn videos. (Another habit I'm not happy with but tolerate)
Then he tried to blame me for lack of affection to him and putting the kids' needs ahead of him.
The kid argument is a combination of him not helping at all with the kids and me being pissed at him about that. But that is mostly in the past. The kids are all grown now except one.
The affection argument stems from his ED and refusal to do anything if we can't have intercourse.
After I was talked out I went back to dishes and laundry and helping my senior investigate colleges. He went to bed but kept coming out to check on me.
We don't have a spare room now so I had no other place to sleep. I went to our room. Took a long shower and pampered myself. Then got into bed with my dogs and my sleep headphones.
He started bugging me, then kissing me. I eventually gave in and we had a good romp. (Still no intercourse though.)
He asked if I wanted to see his profile. I said no. I didn't need more things running around my head. He told me anyway.
He said, he was listed as an old fat former-photographer looking for models. He claims he has been doing straight photo portfolios for girls, just headshots or fully clothed outdoor shoots.
He has told me he had some photography jobs recently, though he said they were some high school seniors. He even stayed in a town less than 30 minutes away overnight when he had a shoot that day and the next.
I realize it's incredible that I bought that story now.
I tried to get back on his computer today to see if I could find his log in for the website he was on. He has changed his computer password, I can't use it at all.
I'm sure he thinks he was safe because his ED makes it impossible for him to actually have intercourse with anyone. And no, he isn't using pills. We've tried all three major ones to no affect. He also has other health issues that make the pills less than ideal for him.
He's called me half a dozen times today and sent a couple emails and texts. He says he is nervous.
I'm not sure where I'm at. I can't go on like nothing happened. I can't accept it was just a lark. I don't buy his excuses. I think he was unhappy and upset with me for a while (we had have some other issues recently mostly involving money arguments but kids too.) His pattern is to look elsewhere when he is unhappy in our marriage.
I know this is long but I had to get it all out to a group who has been there. Thanks for reading to the end.
Advice is welcome.