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Trying to figure out the post-divorce life.

ColdChickenNugge posted 10/19/2020 09:23 AM

My D-Day was back in May, and I filed immediately. Turns out my WW was cheating for most of our 1.5 year marriage. We didn't have sex at all in marriage, and rarely during engagement. We were in counseling for it for 6 months. The therapist ran out of options for us. She was with her AP the entire time, and didn't say anything. I found out on my own. I was devastated. I've been healing well since then. I've been in IC for the last few months, started exercising again, and hanging out with friends more. I'm starting to realize that my ex was bad for my mental health. Some would argue that her witholding sex was bad for my physical health as well.

I've been talking to a girl I met years ago at a party for the last month. We lost contact after she got back with her ex. Then I met my ex. I left a friendly comment on her Facebook post, and it started from there. She's really cool, and I enjoy talking with her. I asked her out for drinks last week and bowling last night. We talked for hours. She said she had fun both times. The conversations are also becoming more personal between us. She's hung out with a couple a guys recently, but nothing serious. I hung out with another girl a couple of times, but I don't plan on going anywhere past a friendship with her for unrelated reasons. I never labeled our meetups as dates. I always used "hang out" instead. I've always had a crush on her, before meeting my ex. Since we both had fun, should I ask her out on an official date next time?

I never expected to be seeing another person so soon, but I'm having fun with her. I even had "what-if we never lost contact" thoughts in my head when my marriage was struggling. Am I moving too fast? Since we had fun, should I ask her out on an official date? If so, would that be the time to make a move (hand holding, kiss) etc.?

[This message edited by ColdChickenNugge at 9:27 AM, October 19th (Monday)]

EllieKMAS posted 10/19/2020 09:31 AM

Am I moving too fast?
IMHO? Yes you are. Pump the brakes. You just got out of a very traumatic situation and I think you should take your time healing YOU. Common SI-wisdom holds that it takes 2-5 YEARS to recover from infidelity and you aren't even 6 months out of it yet.

Just my 0.02, but if you don't take the time for yourself and work on your healing, you are way more likely to fall right back into an unhealthy dynamic with someone else. I think it's normal to want to fill that void, but I also think it is sadly all too common for people to try to rush rush rush to fill that void up and end up in another bad spot.

siracha posted 10/19/2020 11:57 AM

The worst time to date someone is when your equilibrium cant handle another break up . If she seems special to you then it seems to me you might want to wait on this .
However If you do jump into something sexual please make it very clear to the other person that its just sex - most women can handle that quite well if you tell them upfront .

HalfTime2017 posted 10/19/2020 17:05 PM

I agree with the others if you feel like this is on to something serious, it may be too early for that. If you feel like this is more you just dipping your toes back in, and experimenting dating, I would say go for it.

Everyone goes about things on their own time frame. You see people that are in limbo for yrs in the JFO forum. People that come back 10yrs later b/c they have decided to stay with their cheating spouse, all the while really still being in limbo.

However, you filed immediately and knew it was a deal breaker. Your marriage was dead from the beginning and with no sex. Your marriage was also only 1.5yrs long, that's a lot different than some of the people on here that have been married for 10-20 yrs. People here have also been in limbo for a long ass time. Your situation feels different to me.

So I would say, to be good not only to yourself but also to the women you're talking about, keep things honest and light. If you feel like you are ready, and only you know, be honest with her and see where it goes. If you feel like you're still not ready, than spend some time working on yourself. There is no right size fits all to new beginnings. But in your case, I see your marriage was short, and guys didn't even have sex. How can that count? Maybe you and your WW were both checked out early, so making the jumping back onto the dating scene something more workable than someone that's been married 20 yrs.

Justsomeguy posted 10/19/2020 20:25 PM

I agree with those that say to wait a bit. I wouldnt wait 2-5 years, and I dont think anyone is suggesting that, but I would wait for a bit. Get your feet under you, enjoy being singlw and unattached, and reconnect with friends. Chase excellence and become ths best version of yourself. That is the best gift you could offer a new partner.

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