Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
and now what

Topic is Sleeping.

99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 2:14 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

You might be able to get an annullment... Basically a "whoopsie, I didn't mean to do that". Then you could deal with what you have, which is a boyfriend who cheated on you. Maybe that would be easier? Depends on you. I'd talk to a lawyer at the minimum.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 998   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8591556

ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 2:55 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020


Regular posters here work with patterns. Basically, after seeing a few hundred stories, one gets to recognize a few patterns cheaters take.

During an engagement and during the honeymoon phase, it’s really the most happy time for a couple. Spouses are deeply in love and nothing else matters. When you have a spouse cheating during engagement and the honeymoon, it really means that the cheater was never really committed in the first place. He basically said “I do” while cheating. What good is a marriage then?

And this is why most posters tell you to run. If he cheats during the best time of your marriage, what will happen when routine settles in?

It is possible that your WH has cheated before.

Like many posters have said, consult with a lawyer. Also get tested for STD. Take care of yourself. Do you have friends or family that can help you through this?

Ask yourself the following question: “What is the best realistic outcome for ME?”

If you choose to R, you will need to investigate and find out all his history of past cheating before committing to anything. Don’t agree to R without knowing the whole truth.

If you choose to D, don’t paint all marriages with the same brush. Many posters here D their cheaters, remarried, and live a very happy life.

Post often, you’lll get good support here

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8591565

josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 3:30 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

It will take awhile for your heart to heal enough to be in agreement with your head. You can't rush it but you will get there. And a rule of thumb for anyone having a trauma such as you've experienced is to not make any major decisions until you're able to think more clearly.

In the meantime, my "advice" would be to get your beloved job back and not entangle yourself financially with him. As you heal, and depending on what he does, your decision might be to reconcile and if that happens, you can join his company at that time if you still want to. But if you get involved with his financial matters now, it might get so tangled that you can never get away easily or without loss in the event you do decide to divorce.

It's the old "hope for the best but prepare for the worst."

But I also agree that you should speak to a divorce attorney and find out what a divorce would look like financially if you do decide to go that route.

All the best to you - it's a rotten thing he did and it'll take awhile to sort it all out and decide what you want to do. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll be happy again one day, hopefully soon.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8591571

Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:34 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

Can you seek legal advice about an annulment rather than divorce? He didn’t enter this commitment with intentions for the marriage.

One day at a time


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id 8591572

Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 4:54 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

A poster, maybe 1stwife, said every man that cheated early in his marriage did it again. These are people she knows.

Whenever I read about this kind of stupidity I think this is his way of making sure he has all the power. He is emotionally a kid. No one is going to be more powerful than him. I’ll bet he would be hard for you to work with. Get your old job back. Even if you R you need your OWN power. Never be dependent on an untrustworthy person. And he ain’t anybody you can trust.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8591579

Minnesota ( Member #50615) posted at 5:21 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

Holy cow I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What a crappy place to be.

I am not one to give advice about what you should or shouldn't do. I think nobody knows your situation like you do. There are trends and patterns that we see here a lot, but ultimately, there is a not a cookie cutter answer for every situation.

AGain, I'm so sorry you are here. I'm interested in knowing what YOU want. Do you want to try to stay with him? Do you want to stay together but not be married? Do you want to get out of Dodge? All of these are valid. All of them have risks. If you stay with him, he might cheat again. (many people say that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior). If you run away, you might miss out on a long happy marriage that might have been. You might wonder what might have been. I am not here to tell you which road you should take.

IF you are wanting to try to let him figure out his shit and try to work this out with him as your husband, is staying at your awesome job an option?

When I first found out about my XW's affairs, I was a wreck. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I felt like my hair was on fire all the time. (figuratively) I was anxious and felt like I had no idea what end was up. And I got a some good advice about taking care of myself. And that advice I will share:

Make sure you're getting water and some food in you every day. Especially water. FOr me, walking and other exercise was very helpful. Endorphins and all that. I don't drink or smoke, so those were not temptations, but I hear they make things worse. I looked for things that "give me life." I paid extra attention to what I thought I might need. (because I haven't always been good about that.) Be kind to yourself. And do whatever it takes to get whatever kind of support you need.

You don't have to blow him up and tell the world. But you can if you want to.

You don't have to tell his family. But you can if you want to.

You don't have to demand a polygraph. Or a timeline or "all" the answers. You can if you want to. (You can try. He might not cooperate, in which case, it's good to decide what will happen if he doesn't.)

You don't have to forgive him. Or hate him. YOu can if you want.

You don't have to run. You can if you want.

You have choices. And whatever you decide for today, can be for just today. And new choices tomorrow.

We're with you. And we support you.

Me: BS Upper 40's
Her: XWW younger 30's
Married Sept. 2010
DDay Thanksgiving 2015
Dday2- Jan28ish, 2016 -new affair
One child (Big Mister) born in 2012
Divorced Sept. 2, 2016

posts: 2110   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2015   ·   location: Minnesota
id 8591587

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 9:34 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

Thank you Cooley for the reference.

It may be possible this is not the first time this new H has done this. How sad. Marriage under false pretenses.

In real life I know about 15 people who were cheated on while BF/GF or fiancé/ fiancée. Every one of them who married the cheater were then cheated on during the marriage. Some were serial cheaters and some were occasional cheaters.

Point is they all continued cheating.

Add in the people here at SI (Surviving Infidelity) and you have even more people this happened to.

It is something to consider. As others have pointed out, he did this during the happiest time of your life — the honeymoon phase of your marriage.

And we all know this most likely is not the first time. This is just the first time you found out. He will swear “he never did this before” blah blah blah.

I wonder what possessed him to do it in the first place. SMH

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8591600

ronjs ( Member #51741) posted at 11:16 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

I’m sorry for your pain.

He has shown you who he is.

Run for the hills.

God bless you and give you strength.

Take care!!

posts: 55   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 8591602

steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 3:11 PM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

I'm sorry you have reason to be here, newlywed.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you.

You didn't want to get married but did because he wanted to. Don't be married. Someone above mentioned annulment and others divorce. I would check out the options you have with a lawyer. Annulment seems the easiest route to me but I don't know the legalities.

You left a very good and rewarding career. As others have said, see if you can get it back. Whether you stay and try (emphasis on try) to R or go straight to ending the marriage I think you need to keep your own career.

My opinion is to end the relationship permanently. Healing from betrayal takes a lot of time, introspection and often outside assistance (IC). I think that you would be in for a lot worse than that if you stay. Nonetheless, the decision is yours to make.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8591634

Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 5:07 PM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

Most posters who gave you advice have been contributing on SI for quite a long time. They've seen this pattern over and over again.

Many betrayed hearts who come here seeking advice leave because they aren't ready to hear or accept the truth.

"When you have a spouse cheating during engagement and the honeymoon, it really means that the cheater was never really committed in the first place. He basically said “I do” while cheating. What good is a marriage then?"

<<<This>>> right here was my deceased WH to a T, never committed fully and I stayed with him for almost 34 years. Turned out to be a life of hell when I look back at the whole picture. Lots of alcohol and lots of cheating... just about destroyed me but I am strong. I will pull through this and be better than before, as one poster commented to me, my head is finally pulled out of the sand and blinders are removed. He is no longer here to manipulate the outcome any longer. I wish that he could of would of changed, but he didn't.

You are new to this. I think if there is a chance for R, both of you will require lots of work. First question: If you didn't want to marry then why did you do it? What did he say to you to convince you to marry him? Why didn't you listen to yourself? Is he financially independent? Were you making more money than him at the time? What was it about you that he wanted to marry? He is 46 years old and has never been married prior to you...

I don't know. Knowing what I know now, I would not have very much confidence in this marriage. He's already showed you who he is. Believe him. And if you choose to stay with him, always watch your back, don't trust him anymore, watch his actions (bet you'll see him always paying attention to other women), don't believe anything he tells you without proof, protect your emotions because I can pretty much guarantee that he will do it again.

I know that this is a very confusing time for you. Please stick around SI for awhile and continue posting.

I know at times that you won't like what we are saying... just allow it to sink in. Oh, and please keep this site quiet. I told my now deceased WH and he was always trying to get me to stop going on here and now I know why.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8591658

Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 5:47 PM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

I forgot to add that my now Deceased (6 months) WH also cheated on me before we married. Our relationship was rocky and we broke up.

I cried over our break up while he crawled in bed with another women. IMO, if he truly loved me in that time, he never would have crawled in bed with another women so quickly and easily. Makes me sick just thinking about it and it was 34 years ago.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8591670

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:52 PM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

If you run away, you might miss out on a long happy marriage that might have been. You might wonder what might have been.

It is your life and we don’t know you. But the above is a VERY dubious prospect and you could just as easily get the same or better with someone else. In fact the odds are much higher that you will with someone else, just from a coldly logical perspective. Logic is useful in these situations because emotions will run the gamut and are not a useful guide.

You already have enough doubts. It is not useful to plant further doubts in your mind that you *might* on the off chance have a wonderful marriage with someone who couldn’t stay faithful to you for mere weeks.

If this same man had viciously punched you in the face recently would anyone be taking to you about the prospects for a wonderful marriage? Yeah exactly.

This is the equivalent of punching you in the face only a LOT worse. It is abuse.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:53 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

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id 8591673

ThisIsSoLonely ( Member #64418) posted at 11:03 PM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

I gave up my "high powered" (much higher paying) job and moved all the way across the country to be with my WH. After 2 years of struggling to find a job that "fit" I moved out of state for a year temporary position to allow me to get the experience to return to where my WH and I had been living and get my dream job there. I discovered the A 3 weeks before I was supposed to move back. At the time I found out about the A I had already accepted a job back where we were living and I was set to move as soon as my temporary job was done. My boss at the out of state temporary job (which was really already my dream job but for the location) a few weeks before had offered me to renew my contract for another year and to stay there (my boss didn't know about the A or anything he just really liked my work). My WH begged me to return and give us another chance and so I did, leaving behind financial stability and a time to figure out what I wanted to do with the WH. So I came back and low and behold - it didn't work out with WH and I, but even if it had, I 100% agree with this:

Get your old job back.

I wish I had either renewed my temporary job or taken my old job back from where I moved. The weight of the infidelity on the new job I got was immense. I wasn't very good at it where I had always succeeded before and I had no clarity. I also put myself in the position where, when I did decide to be done with it all, I was financially strapped and my old job was no longer available even if I had wanted it. To make matters worse, the new job I had taken was a 2 year contract with the potential of becoming permanent. Needless to say it did not become permanent and for the first time in my life I alternated daily between getting fired and walking out of my job and my life.

Protect the one thing you can right now - your employment. Going back and/or staying with an employer where you did good work will make it easier on you to continue. It's not new. Some of this shit is REALLY distracting, and in your case, it sounds like much less money and uncertainty to make this change. And add to it working with may regret not sticking with your job. If you manage to R you can always do that thing with him later.

Gosh I'm sorry you are here...when the A happened for me it was roughly 3 years after we made it official but we had been together for 12. Many others will come to tell you why the whole "minor" dick pic is a big deal because it is indicative of a whole host of other issues. I'm here to tell you to keep your job/your income stream healthy as it will give you a lot more options. Options are good. Stuck. Well stuck sucks.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:08 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8592295
Topic is Sleeping.
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