I would like to address the therapy part of your situation, because we all have our own soapboxes, and this is one I have been standing on recently.
Hopefully it will help you with your decision to see or not see your wife's therapist - and I advise you not to.
TLDR: Lots of therapist suck, cheaters are liars who lie to their therapists just as much as they lie to you, and they attempt to utilize the therapist and therapy process to manipulate the betrayed spouse into eating the shit sandwich.
I don't see therapy as particularly helpful, and often very harmful, when it comes to dealing with cheaters/liars/betrayers.
First - lots of therapists just plain suck. They are not Navy Seals who are trained to be the absolute best, ruthlessly screened and selected so only the finest remain. They are regular average people with some certifications and a degree.
So I would not stake the state of my life and happiness on the ability of a therapist to somehow turn around a cheater who has lied to, betrayed, hurt and deceived, their spouse with intent and forethought.
Further, I have yet to come across an individual therapist who also doesn't offer marriage/couples counseling so the common wisdom here of "don't see a marriage counselor, they'll blame the betrayed spouse, get your cheater to see an individual counselor!" doesn't take that into account.
I am not saying that there is no such thing as a therapist who only does MC or IC, but it is not the norm in my experience, so one can expect the same philosophies to be promulgated by the therapist regardless of whether they are seeing one person or two.
Even more importantly, therapy for all kinds of issues, but I will restrict this statement to cheaters, cannot be successful unless the person seeking therapy is honest and truthful within themselves as to why they are seeking it, and in turn must be truthful with the therapist with regard to their behaviors and actions.
They must truly want to reform their behaviors, not just "get out of trouble".
This is not generally the case with cheaters. The primary thing cheaters want to do is "get out of trouble". So lying to the therapist is extremely common, and we can be pretty sure it happened in your case.
Basically, your wife tried to "white knuckle" her way through reconciliation, bullshitting her way through therapy so she could check that box as well as the other "stop being a cheater" boxes.
Internally she felt different from the nonsense she slathered on everybody who would listen. She never admitted what was actually true, that she had strong feelings for this scumbag who got everything he deserved (By the way, showing up at your door strikes me as pretty aggressive, and many people might consider that a threatening situation where one might need to defend themselves.) and that is why it all came out when you ran into him at the party.
Ask, your self this: Why did she disappear from the party and start drinking herself into oblivion?
Was it because she felt sad that she caused you pain? No. It was because she felt sad that she saw "The one that got away" and was stuck with you. In her own words she said this.
I am sorry for the harshness of this statement, but you should believe exactly what she told you. As the saying goes: "A drunk person's actions are a sober person's thoughts."
So now, she wants you to visit her therapist. Why? Who would that benefit?
I would guess they plan to outline her "whys" to you. "Learning your whys" is often positioned as a positive exercise in the healing process for a couple where cheating has occurred.
Personally, I don't give a shit about the whys of somebody who decided to betray me! However, I do agree that it may be a positive exercise for the cheater - if they are honest - which is not likely in my experience.
I find that "the whys" are very often used as a device to attempt to placate the betrayed spouse: "Oh! Well that's WHY you decided to fuck someone outside of our marriage! Well, now we can go back to being a strong couple and heal together."
And that is what your wife and her therapist are most likely planning: A last-ditch attempt to suck you back in with a litany of the problems she has and is facing, and how much she really loves you but she was not able to overcome her demons which were caused by "something something bullshit".
So I advise you not to go, and I probably didn't need to because you were planning not to!
[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:56 PM, September 25th (Friday)]