This was my update this morning.
Real quick just to answer a few questions that people asked and then the update.
No there will be no reconciliation. The marriage is dead. Over. Done.
Yes I have a lawyer and we are working on the divorce.
The AP's wife was told three years ago and they are divorced.
Her reaction to the video was I believe genuine disbelief that she said these things. She clearly has some issues. But it does not matter why it happened...I'm done.
The time line around the altercation three years ago is, he showed up that Monday morning expecting her. Got Me. I was arrested and held for four hours pending bond from my father. She went home after my father contacted her and cleaned up mess on porch. I did not speak to her (except to arrange time with the kids) for a period of 12 days. I was at my father's home. I have no idea if she contacted him during this time or not. She said no. I found no proof. I suspect she tried and lied based on the quote I posted from the video. The arrest was very non-dramatic. Never saw the inside of a cell. Hopefully, we can move on about the physical altercation. I am embarrassed by it.....A little.
She claimed he knew where we lived because in their talks back and forth on the phone he wanted to drop off a present to her before the second hotel meet and she gave it to him. But one of the kids came home early and she called and told him not to come by. I am well aware this was probably an attempt to sleep with each other at our home. But I'm sure it did not happen. We have video surveillance and I checked after I was told and no footage was missing and he never showed.
Financially I make substantially more but she has her own income and retirement. I took over all accounts including hers after D-Day three years ago. She like wise had access to mine. There are no financial secrets between us. I know where every dollar goes. The house pays off in about 62 months. Solid middle class neighborhood. We both work in recession proof industries and evidently pandemic proof. Hers more than mine. I can live comfortably on my personal savings for a year if needed. Longer if I was frugal. She about the same without the mortgage. I dissolved all joint accounts including credit cards three years ago. I have not looked at her accounts since last week and changed my passwords Sunday evening.
Meeting with Kids
Obviously it was emotional. When daughter arrived there was a few minutes of hugs and tears. My son and I had gotten food from a little restaurant that my family enjoyed so we heated it up and sat down and ate and talked. Without going into word-for-word dialogue, they both are angry with their mother and extremely worried about me. I assured them that I would be fine and that none of this is their fault or their burden to bear. I mainly just let them talk and answered their questions honestly. I guess the first biggest revelation was the time line on how they were told.
My son was staying at his cousins this weekend, who lives nearby. Monday, he left the cousin's home and went to the home where he is attending a teaching pod. If you don't know what that is, it's a neighbor that has opened up her home to five school age students and they attend distance learning together. I won't go into the details but it's been helpful to hold the kids accountable for their online work and give them some structure and socializing as well. Think old time school house with different grades. Anyway, he came home for lunch and my STBXW was there and he was obviously concerned about her and her appearance. And she told him everything. Just like that. He was...in shock. And from what he told me she was truthful in relaying what she said and did not minimize it at all. He went upstairs to his room and called his older sister because he was worried about me and he then told her. She is the one that told him to call me. He did. I made arrangements to pick him up, I'm only 15 minutes away, and he left to meet me on the next street over from our home. As he left he texted my daughter that he was out of the house. My daughter called my STBXW and blasted her pretty bad. I picked up my son. Sent STBX a text that he was with me and told her to respond "okay" to acknowledge she got it. She did and less than 30 seconds later she started calling. I turned off the phone and it's been off ever since.
I also learned that my daughter already new about the affair from three years ago. About three or four months into our reconciliation, she over heard my wife talking to her cousin, the parent of the cousin my son visited (it's actually a second cousin but whatever), and heard her tell her what had happened. She evidently used this person as support through the reconciliation process. I never knew. Anyway, she heard that and never told us. Now this bothers me in a way I cannot explain. But my little girl carried this alone for three years. I'm not able to write the words to describe how I felt when I learned this. I know we experienced some issues between her and her mother but we chalked it up to normal teenager stuff along with the stress of our marital issues. It also explains her being so adamant about being on her own and her desire to move out when she graduated high school.
My take away from last night is the same as it was yesterday. I'm worried about my kids. There is both sadness and anger in both but its different depending to which you are speaking. My son is mostly sad with an undercurrent of anger. My daughter is extremely angry. Frighteningly angry with a just a hint of sadness that seems to be only for me. She has a very visible line in her emotions. Anger at her mother and sadness for me. My son is a mixture of both to each of us. We talked a long time. Afterwards we did get into some funny stories about their growing up. None of them involved their mother. I asked them to try to work on mending their relationship with their mother. I explained that she needs them as much as I do and that they will need her too. But it is their decision. I explained that I would like for them to talk to someone. My son is a little hesitant but he'll come around. My daughter is going to take advantage of the mental health clinic on her campus first. She wants to do this on her own, but has promised if they are not meeting her needs that she would look for someone through my insurance. And I did notice one thing last night that I knew but it was...really on display and very apparent last night. They are helping each other. I'm proud of that beyond relief. All in all, it was just a sad night.
I received a call from my Dad last night just prior to my daughters arrival. My mother-in-law had contacted him to check on me and the kids. She asked if she could speak to me and/or the kids. I will probably call her today. She's been a good MIL. A lot like my late FIL. Very down to earth. No nonsense. She held my STBX accountable through the past three years. She also said my BIL flew in Wednesday evening. Not sure the significance of that. He and my STBX are not extremely close. He is six year older than her. They get along fine but the age difference is significant. He is a lawyer. Real Estate attorney but a lawyer none the less. We'll see what happens. My father also reminded me at some point I have to deal with the STBX even if it is just to handle practical matters like, paying bills, son's things, etc. So I'll be thinking on that today. While I'm writing this it's about 6 AM. My thought is I'll probably call my MIL today. Definitely update after that conversion because I am sure that I will get information regarding my STBX that I don't necessarily want. I want to get that out of the way before the weekend. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of dwelling on it. My daughter leaves Monday afternoon and I would like to spend the rest of my time this week and weekend with them in as much peace as possible.
Again thank you for your help strangers. I feel pretty good now that my kids and I have talked but again I am concerned. Like I said I'll update after I speak to MIL but probably go quiet this weekend while I'm with my kids.
That is where it stands. I will be calling my MIL this afternoon and we will go from there.