Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 2:27 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Welcome, serenitynow.

I am glad to see you taking decisive action and seeking support and advice here. You will receive a wealth of both from this wonderful group of folks.

Stay the course you're on and be patient (I know that is easier said than done) - it will pay off in the longrun.

Side note: This "friend" of your WW's - what a peach (not). When all of this is said and done I think I would have to "thank" her for lending a helping hand in the destruction of your M.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:31 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

DictumVeritas,

Thank you, great advice and seems the direction I am going. No need for her in my life and I am quickly heading to the anger stage and I will go after her every way I can, but I don't want to drag on too much. I just want to cut bait right now and get away. I will not be moving out of the house. I plan to open a checking account soon to be ready to move money there when needed. I think I have a pretty solid plan right now. I appreciate all advice and information. I'm just at a loss right now, but I am trying to be smart about it and patient and get everything lined up just right.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 2:32 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Side note: This "friend" of your WW's - what a peach (not). When all of this is said and done I think I would have to "thank" her for lending a helping hand in the destruction of your M.

Oh yes. She will hear something from me, as well as all her other friends. She portrays a perfect life and all to everybody and her reputation is extremely important to her. Some friends have been through divorces and on the wrong side of a cheating spouse, I am almost certain they know nothing of it.

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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

This only happens once every bazillion years but I don’t agree with tushnurse…

This varies by state to state, country to country.

Even if the car is totally in your name then it’s probably considered marital property.

If it’s the vehicle she primarily uses then she has an expectation of privacy. Placing a tracker without her knowledge would be considered a breach of privacy and wouldn’t be admissible in court.

It’s basically the same rules as apply to your home: Despite it being your home you can’t place cameras in it without letting others that reside there know.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Thank you serenitynow53,

since you have already read my previous reply, please just refer back to it. I did edit it to add some thoughts I left out.

I think for people who know they are not interested in being with an adulteress, the decisive path, though still very painful, is the best.

I tend to think of it as ripping the band-aid off.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Keep in mind that Dictum Veritas is located in South Africa and the laws there are different from where you are.

Base your decisions on reality. If you were to move money around to hide it NOW then any competent divorce attorney would find it and demand some compensation for his client.

For example: You might be tempted to sell the motor-boat and the RV and then hide the money in bills in a shoe-box at your friends garage. That way it won’t show up on the list of assets. It will however be on your last tax return, and an attorney will be asking where the money went. A judge might give your wife a larger slice to compensate for that.

Since you have time then use it wisely to make sure your ducks are LEGALY in a row – not some random row you decide on.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 2:55 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

No, no, no, never hide the money even when liquidating assets and even in South-Africa. Liquid wealth is just more portable to start afresh with.

Your wife is going to get her pound of flesh unfortunately as unjust as it feels. I though of it as school-fees in the school of life and hard-knocks.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 3:50 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Going on 20 years and things have been better than ever lately. I know one of her friends knows and she was actually talking to her before meeting him. I will definitely be exposing her lying and cheating to everybody. But all in due time. I just need some advice and support. I don't have any friends really to talk to.

If you want to expose the affair (and you should!) then you do need evidence to be in control and protect your reputation.

A good PI is highly recommended to gather all the evidence you need!

If he can gather evidence of your WW's "friend" along the way it will help expose her too, two birds with one stone!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 10:11 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

slight t/j:

This only happens once every bazillion years but I don’t agree with tushnurse…

OK you made me laugh....

Please check w/ the attorney today to determine your safest, legal route.

My point being if you do this, then the server can serve her when she is with AP. That's all.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18918   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 6:05 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Thank you for the replies. I met with the PI and have an appointment with a lawyer Friday morning. That is the earliest I could get in with them and they came recommended as good divorce lawyers.

The PI is going to do some work to get some pictures. I will not do anything with finances or anything until discussing with lawyer. I know things will get split up, it is what it is. I just want away right now. It is very difficult to not confront and blow it all up right now but I know I need to be smart about this. It is so difficult to concentrate at work. I did talk to my boss, so they are aware I need a little flexibility and they are completely understanding.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 12:17 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 6:21 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

TLDR version of everything: Get more evidence. A PI is not a bad idea if you can afford one. VAR is excellent, but it usually isn't a great primary source of evidence, and depending on your locale, might not be admissible as evidence of adultery.

Look at her phone (if you can). Look at her email (If you can). Turn on geographic tracking on her google account if she has one. That way if her phone is somewhere where she say she isn't, you'll know something concrete. Getting a look at her text record (or whatsapp or whatever) on her phone will be golden.

All that other stuff (STD checks, lawyer consultation, take care of yourself) is solid gold, but first, figure out your situation. If you hear her setting up a situation where she says she'll be at a certain place and it might entail coming home late (like the classic "girl's night out"), you might try visiting the place unannounced to see if she's where she says she is, and if she is, leave without notifiying her.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 6:35 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

What's the goal with the PI?

Serious question: You are already convinced she's having an affair and have enough evidence with the recording and stuff.

What's the goal with the PI?

I personally have never met anyone that (a) carried a binder showing why they were correct in divorcing or (b) got a cup for being the winner in their divorce. D is about detachment.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I just don't know about the PI and evidence. I talked to him because he's a friend to see what he could do. I am going to wait for an attorney to know exactly what I need. The state is a no-contest state, so I don't really need proof or evidence. I may confront and tell her I know, but it won't be needed for much other than that I guess. I just want to have something I can bring up/out to prove that I know.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 4:25 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Good luck to you. Since you are in a no-fault state, don't bother with a P.I. Watch your bank account carefully. If she smells anything is up she might make a move for your accounts and empty them before you can get your 50 percent. On D-Day, tell her she owes you an easy divorce with no drama. If she says she is sorry, tell her that the easy divorce should be her parting gift to you. Be fair. It's not worth protracted court fights. You want to move on asap so the healing can begin. You are lucky there are no kids otherwise she would be in your life forever.

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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:56 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

BTW, I would not dignify any of this by supplying the proof. Tell her that it is overwhelming but that is it. Let her stew in her deceit wondering how you found out.

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 11:03 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

BTW, I would not dignify any of this by supplying the proof. Tell her that it is overwhelming but that is it. Let her stew in her deceit wondering how you found out.

I like that idea. I have all the proof I need and I don't think I need anything for court or anything. I intend on being fair, I just want to move on. The PI is a friend and going to do it for me as a favor, it can't hurt. I contacted a few lawyers today but none had any openings soon, earliest was the 23rd. I left a message for another one to hopefully call me back tomorrow.

I just want to get papers filed, have her served. I have a few things I want to say, but I don't think I need to prove anything. She will know exactly what I am talking about and will know she was caught.

Does anybody know how long it takes to have her served once the lawyer starts? I think in my state, it has to be a long separation before true divorce can happen. I am ready to move on and stop living like I am normal with her.

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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 11:06 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I can't stand waiting on a lawyer appointment to bring this to a head. I don't know that I can wait 2 weeks, we are supposed to go on vacation in October. I can't do it with her. Should I lay it all out on the table for her and tell her I have talked to a lawyer and she will receive the papers soon?

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:20 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 11:15 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

You never mentioned, are there children involved?

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 11:26 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

In our state, you have to be legally separated for one year before a final divorce can be obtained. Looks like that just requires living separately from each other, no legal forms or anything required. There are separation agreements I guess, but those can happen during separation.

So, I don't think anything can be "served" at this point. Which would lend me to believe I bring it out, say I know and have evidence, and I move out.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:21 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 12:04 AM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

It seems your mind is made up to divorce and most importantly no children involved. I don't see why you should torture yourself and not confronting her. The only blow-back is that your WW will probably ask for proof and you can't share what you have due to legal reasons. If you don't care about that, just tell her you know and move out.

ETA for typos.

[This message edited by Wanttobebetter at 6:16 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

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Topic is Sleeping.
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