Thank you everyone for your input.
@GoldenR I agree she has controlled everything from the start of this - she is a very controlling person and has to have things her way - it’s virtually impossible to ever have her apologize for something she has done wrong. However, I will admit she is right almost everytime when she has an assessment of something and that’s where her arrogance of doing things her way comes from. She is rarely wrong.
@Sceadugenga - I agree and have started to look for a therapist and you are right, I don’t need more proof. It’s just that I want to know if she is still lying now or has turned over a new leaf. Either way, it doesn’t mean I trust her. And thank you for your suggestion re trauma bonding - I looked into it and think that’s what’s happening here.
@goalong - you are right I have my health and am now almost in the best shape of my life on an upward trajectory while she is on a downward one. With respect to beta, that’s exactly what I’ve been our whole marriage.
I think one of the major things that affected my life negatively is I had my father pass away suddenly when I was 3 or 4 years old and I don’t remember him. I was raised by my mother so didn’t really have a strong father figure in my life - I had to figure it all out myself and never really had anyone to talk to - I always hid my problems even from friends and coworkers as I didn’t think it was masculine to do so. I held those people at arms length always to the point I was told I am intimidating and always too business focused.
Had another discussion with my wife this morning and it turned again to her asking me what’s wrongn as I was not myself - she said I have been disconnected lately. I decided to open up about a few things and said that I don’t trust her and she has shown me nothing.
I said you told me you went to dinner, but you could have easily been elsewhere. I asked for the receipt and she said he paid. I asked her what did you eat - and she told me (I later checked the restaurants menu and her story checks out, UNLESS she has been there many times before and knows whats on the menu).
She said her opening up and being 100% transparent is continuing the marriage based on distrust and not doing it from a position of healing the marriage. I told her I can’t just trust her.
She said I should seek counselling because everytime I am like this I am negative and set the repair backwards. I told her I was going to counselling and she said good I can come with you but you have to tell the whole truth about our marriage if the person is going to help.
When I repeated her needing to be transparent she said where did you read that, in your books? I said you have done ZERO searching to fix this but she did say that if she came with me to counselling and the therapist said that she needs to be transparent with everything (access to phone etc), she would do it. The issues is she doesn’t respect me and didn’t think I was a good leader in the past so she doesn’t want to take what I am saying at face value.
She asked me again if I deleted the recordings and I laughed. I said of course I did.
Then she went to get ready and shower. When she got out, she said she thought about and is not cool with the access, and if I insist then maybe this marriage won’t work (I agree with her). She said she can’t live like that under a microscope. She also asked where where my surveillance equipment is as she said I should sell them as it’s “bad energy” to keep in the house.
She left, went for a walk, came back and said she was going to her friends house for a few hours (her friend is having a party for her daughter that is getting married and I already knew about this). She then said “Are we good?” - I said “Yes” and she left.
Fact this, we are NOT good.
I realized I have been wasting so much time reading books on infidelity, articles and searches etc while she has done nothing. This stops today.
I have multiple additional business ideas I need to flesh out more as I have been delaying them just in case it came to divorce as there is no reason for her to get anything from ideas in my head coming to fruition now.
My time and focus has to be spent on getting those businesses ready to go, on continuing improving my physique, on moving things forward with the lawyer, and MOST importantly, getting my head screwed on straight and repaired from all this infidelity nonsense.
I also am going to flesh out a vision of what I want my life to be about after I move on. I want it to be an exciting vision that gets me going first thing in the morning and to really enjoy the next 3-4 decades of my life. It’s going to be about ME now.
[This message edited by Awoken at 11:47 AM, September 7th (Monday)]