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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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BlackRaven posted 12/6/2020 17:54 PM

OOL

I hope today finds you in better spirits. I can share with you what has helped me, as I live alone and don't have many friends.

My WH turned out to be a SA, and I shared my pain with my family as I've worked through this. Much to my surprise, they responded with tremendous support, and one thing they did was start putting together zoom calls about every other week. I had felt estranged from them for a while, so I'm stunned with their compassion and it's also allowed us to move past some of the old hurts. My nieces and nephews sometimes join us, so I've gotten to know them better, and it's also been great for my father who is elderly and also lives alone.

I've also started playing some online games with friends who live elsewhere. It's a healthier way to pass the time than netflix in that there is a social component to it, and sometimes, we end up laughing, (I'm sometimes shocked that I'm still capable of that.) If that interests you, there's an online escape room you can find if you google enchambered and escape room in California, and I just noticed an article in the Washington Post from Nov 30 with different games to play online.

I know these are really simple things, but they've made my life richer and that has helped with the loneliness.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 1:04 AM, December 7th (Monday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 12/6/2020 21:10 PM

GMC, Hewig, TA, Skeeter, CBS, BR - you are all amazing womenz, I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to respond and your support. Every single one of you on here deserves so much joy and happiness after the shit show you have all been through. I'm in awe of the strength I see on here in all of you. We are all bad-asses if I do say so myself.

I allowed myself one pity party day and then I've forced myself to get up and do things. I spent most of the weekend hanging out with friends, eating good food and watching some cheesy Christmas TV. I have felt sad and lonely at times, but this time, I know it will pass. Also, I am now going to have company on Christmas as my due to stay at home orders in CA, she will no longer be going home. So while I'm sad for her, obviously, I am also a little bit glad for me. Just knowing I won't be on my own has made such a difference to my mood at the moment. Fully expect to have downturns as various different anti-versary dates come up, but I'm more ready for them know. And I'm just.....calmer. The anxiety has gone.

As for the stories you have about your cheating partners accusing you of cheating in games, stores etc....it really just does beggar belief, doesn't it? The hypocrisy and the cognitive dissonance that they exhibit, I really will never understand it. To be so lacking in self awareness must be so sad. With a few days distance, I actually kinda feel pity for my ex. He's alone through his own making, he's miserable and dissatisfied with his life, and it all could have been completely avoided if he'd been a grown up and addressed his issues head on. Instead, he's alone and feeling sorry for himself. I think he wanted me to fix him again, and there is no way I'm doing that. He can figure it out himself. I am focusing on my own healing.

I'm alone, and while I may have times of loneliness and sadness, I'd rather this than the anxiety I've had the last few weeks while I've been communicating with him. Because I know the work I've done, I know the work I will continue to do and I'll be a better person for it.

Big hugs to all of you. And thank you, thank you all. We just keep on keeping on and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:11 PM, December 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 12/7/2020 14:30 PM

OOL


Cheater brains work differently from ours.

I seriously think they believe they are smarter, funnier, slicker, and their sense of entitlement gives them permission to behave like monsters.


We donít do that, think that, feel that. So we have no defense to it.


F them!


WE are proven superior in every way!


They need to earn the privilege of licking out shoes

skeetermooch posted 12/7/2020 18:46 PM

And now we've commenced to the stage of bs where he sends me Dan Savage videos about monogamy not being realistic. Just shoot me.

WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED CHEATER. PEDDLE THAT CRAP ELSEWHERE.

20yrsagoBS posted 12/8/2020 05:14 AM

Ugh skeeter!


Obviously your Cheater is still clueless.


How frustrating that despite the devastation their behaviors cause, they canít comprehend that itís time to stop it

Hedwig posted 12/8/2020 06:54 AM

@skeetermooch: the audacity of the moral superiority they have over NOTHING. Tell him to go fuck off with his Dan Savage!

To anyone here with SAD: how do you cope? I realized I am so tired these days and I don't really look forward to anything. I also don't enjoy things as I normally woud. When I was journalling about how I'm feeling unhappy but not really unhappy, just sad..I realized it's that time of year again


So I cycle to work now (I am a teacher, I have to work at school) and I have gone on walks (okay 1, so far) during my lunch break. I usually spend my weekends walking in parks, but I'm going to try to get out of the house earlier. Because the daylight you get in the morning works best.

How about you?

Hedwig posted 12/8/2020 06:54 AM

@skeetermooch: the audacity of the moral superiority they have over NOTHING. Tell him to go fuck off with his Dan Savage!

To anyone here with SAD: how do you cope? I realized I am so tired these days and I don't really look forward to anything. I also don't enjoy things as I normally woud. When I was journalling about how I'm feeling unhappy but not really unhappy, just sad..I realized it's that time of year again


So I cycle to work now (I am a teacher, I have to work at school) and I have gone on walks (okay 1, so far) during my lunch break. I usually spend my weekends walking in parks, but I'm going to try to get out of the house earlier. Because the daylight you get in the morning works best.

How about you?

sickofsurviving posted 12/8/2020 17:17 PM

Hello Ladies.
Been a long while. A little over a year. Thought I would pop on and maybe give a bit of an update. This thread is still the only place I feel comfortable posting.

I read on here for a couple of days. Started this a couple of times. Man, nothing here really changes.

I honestly stopped coming here because of a particular cheater. There was, quite literally, not a thread she didn't post on. I just couldn't deal with her arrogance.

So, my update. Cheater and I are still married. Him, happily. Im married. Oh don't get me wrong. We get along fine. Still own and operate the semi. As long as I never bring up his cousin fucking, things are great.

So yeah. Rugswept big time. I still don't have a clue either when or for how long his cousin fucking went on. I have no idea if she was the only one.

In some ways, I can see folks that would be happy with our marriage. He is very complimentary, always is a great work partner, and says thank you for being my wife.

What I dont hear is I'm sorry I committed incest while I was married to you. Or I'm sorry I looked in your face and lied for 7 years. The years when my health was good. When I could have easily started over. Sigh.

I'm not unhappy. Not really. Not actively. But I'm definitely not happy either. I have a comfortable life. My kids are great. My daughter that was cheated on the same year I found out, is engaged. Different guy. We adore him and his boys.

I guess thats about it in a nutshell. It was good to read back and catch up with y'all.

20yrsagoBS posted 12/8/2020 23:15 PM

Hi Sickofsurviving.


I get it.


I have a five year plan to leave, but another house, and live by myself.

No divorce so I can keep my health insurance through Cheater.


Just peace, finally.

We do go places from time to time

But there is MO intimacy, I am not affectionate.

sickofsurviving posted 12/9/2020 08:13 AM

Hi 20yrs!

Hope you're doing ok. Between the holidays and covid, its a difficult year.

I honestly have no plans to leave. I think I probably make it sound worse than it is. He treats me well. We are together 24 hours a day 7 days a week, so I know he's not cheating. And we certainly don't argue. I just cant be bothered.

He will never do the work. He isn't capable. Once I realized that, well it was life changing. For me. I just see him so very differently.

My life, all of it, has been a mess. My girls, even tho they are grown, needed us to stay together. They needed that stability. As I watched them all together on Thanksgiving, I knew, way down deep, I had done the right thing.

So I'm good. Content. Healing. It will be a lifelong process. There has been a lot of damage. But I got this. I really am a survivor. And I have found my strength.

Superesse posted 12/9/2020 16:30 PM

Hi, sickofsurviving, I believe I posted to you way back when....what a poetic summary you have given here:

My girls, even tho they are grown, needed us to stay together. They needed that stability. As I watched them all together on Thanksgiving, I knew, way down deep, I had done the right thing.

So I'm good. Content. Healing. It will be a lifelong process. There has been a lot of damage. But I got this. I really am a survivor. And I have found my strength.

The older I get (almost 70, now, surviving thus far through this pandemic!) the more I see the sad reality that most of us don't get the brass ring in life, and that almost all of us humans of a certain age, feel they wanted better in life than what we've seemingly arrived at...(but maybe that's just my 2020 traumatized outlook talking.)

Anyway, I love your recognition that you ARE a survivor, you HAVE found your strength, and there are positive emotional benefits you can point to, that help balance out the ugly stuff.

Keep on truckin' for us all!

Tallgirl posted 12/11/2020 00:00 AM

Hope all you wonderful womenís are fantastic. Take care and hugs to all

EllieKMAS posted 12/11/2020 09:10 AM

Hey TG - how are you doin?? Long time no see!

Outoflove2020 posted 12/11/2020 09:53 AM

Struggling today. My mind is constantly going back to this time last year when, unbeknownst to me, a trip upon which he was about to embark included meeting the AP for the first time in person. When I was on a business trip and so worried about his mental health that I was seriously considering cutting my trip short and coming home. When his daughter was expressing some very concerning thoughts.

I'm really really trying to shift my thoughts but it's really hard today.

Hope you are all having a peaceful, drama free Friday.

Outoflove2020 posted 12/11/2020 09:53 AM

Hey TG, good to hear from you. Hope all is well.

BentandBroken posted 12/11/2020 10:24 AM

@Hedwig, I also struggle with SAD. This time of year, with so little daylight, really messes me up too. You mentioned cycling to and from work, and taking mid-day walks. You clearly understand the need to get outdoors, which is what tends to work best for me as well. I also try to schedule tasks that take me out of the house after dark, even if it's just a run to the grocery store. This, of course, is much harder during the pandemic. Some days I still collapse into binge watching Netflix shows from 4:00 until bedtime. Ugh. And then try to do better the next day.

Eating habits are a problem for me during the winter months as well. I'm caving to the cravings for comfort food and slowly undoing my infidelity weight loss. Not particularly happy about it. If you have any suggestions in this regard, I'm all ears!

BentandBroken posted 12/11/2020 10:33 AM

@OOL, I am so sorry you are struggling today. I am no great oracle of wisdom, but perhaps it's OK to step back into some of the survival techniques we used in the early days after Dday. Specifically, I'm thinking about "chunking" the day. You're not tackling the entire day, just the next 15 minutes. So the question becomes, what can I do for me to get through the next 15 minutes? Etc.

I've been in a 3 week funk myself, and I can't seem to pull out of it. I appreciate that you posted because it helps me remind myself of the coping mechanisms I have in my toolkit. Journaling (I particularly like the GLAD framework you taught me), meditation, and re-reading over and over my list of things I don't miss about my life with xWH. For you, this practice of putting his needs in front of yours (cutting your trip short) whilst he's in the midst of deeply betraying you - obviously something you won't miss. ((Hugs to you))

20yrsagoBS posted 12/11/2020 11:58 AM

Hi Womenz!!!


Happy FriYay!


I have plans to visit Universal tomorrow, Epcot Sunday.


Yes, I wear a mask, social distance, Er al.

Iím looking forward to a change in scenery.


WFH puts me in a rut where I donít leave the house for days on end.

Throwaway999 posted 12/11/2020 17:04 PM

Hi all,

So I went down the rabbit hole today and did some pain shopping. Donít know why I did and of course I got burned. Found another email that my WH wrote that confirmed that his first LTA didnít end when he told me it did. They did fact have more get aways together and the affair likely went on at least several more months.

Typical cheater and he swore to me he was telling the truth on our kids lives. What an asshole. Liar. I feel hurt all over again even though I already knew he lied up until he died. He never told me even one truth.

Just sad all over.

BlackRaven posted 12/11/2020 20:24 PM

Bent or OOL,

Would you mind elaborating on what GLAD journaling is?

Journaling (I particularly like the GLAD framework you taught me),

Maybe it's something in the air because I've had a particularly rotten week as well.

Throwaway, I'm sorry about your pain. The betrayal is just so, so hard, and it comes in many forms, but they all have the common thread of lies running through them.

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