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Just got dumped

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Chili posted 11/11/2020 11:04 AM

GotTheShaft:

I really hate seeing you flailing around still so connected to what she's doing and what she might be thinking. I've been encouraging you throughout the very beginning of this thread to detach from her. I mean, I'm such a big believer in its benefits I wrote a whole Detaching Guide in D/S about it. That's because it literally saved me. Detaching was the only way I could move forward and not get stuck in pain.

Every time I write a post about this here you say it makes sense.

But seriously, here's the thing - whether she screwed around, is conflict avoidant or whatever it is - at the end of the day it just. doesn't. matter.

All you need to say to yourself is: Ex unhealthy. Bad for me. And get then away from it.

Ok - let me throw my own current situation into the mix. It's been no fun cake walk for me these past 6 months when my SO of 7 years flaked out. It's been horribly sad and I've done a shit-ton of grieving. My mind spent a lot of time speculating on what the actual. And I know nothing. NOTHING. At the end of the day I could break my boundary of NC and try and pick at it with him and figure it out, but why? What's the prize there? Confirmation that he's not healthy for me?

I can't be with someone like that. And the reasons he's like that don't contribute anything to my new beginnings except maybe adding some red flag alerts to future relationships (which are also the last thing on my mind).

Please block her. Or block everyone that you don't need to stay connected to during these days. i.e. family. So what if you've NEVER done it before? I think it might be a good idea to try a new pattern throughout each day. Staying off social media might be helpful overall.

Keep posting - no one here is beating you up. It's just we see ourselves in you and remember being in that spot and feeling similar things. No one wants to see you stuck.

GotTheShaft posted 11/11/2020 15:06 PM

Thanks WhoTheBleep and Chili. Still not sure that I want to block her. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I'm still upset by this. I'll consider it. I'm no longer interested in getting back together now that I know that at minimum she was having inappropriate communication with this clown, and more than likely took it physical just before she broke up with me, so that she could be sure she had a safe landing spot.

Chili, I'll check out your detaching guide.

Greenjk posted 11/11/2020 21:02 PM

Hang in there. Just know we are all here for you and support you.

blahblahblahe posted 11/11/2020 23:22 PM

GTS

What helped me deal with my XW was to assign her a null value (the total absence of value, does simply not exist...a zero in basic thought). It wasn't that I "won" the divorce that made me feel again, it was that she was a NULL and my new life was superior because I made it so...

Think of your XGF as a null, not a negative (too much value in a negative), just simply NULL. Simply not worthy of continued thought.

You already know what you need to know to move on

There is nothing to gain by confirming to the Nth she was a whore/slut/bitch choose your adjective. You have the truth, but now She is a NULL.

PS: This also works with posters who bring the agendas into your thread.

GotTheShaft posted 11/12/2020 06:12 AM

Thanks GreenJk and blahblahblahe. I like the sheís a NULL concept. Itís really challenging to separate my feelings for her. Iím angry and sad at the same time. I know it will dissipate with time. It did with my cheating xWW.

But this time my best friend is also gone. That stings too. The double loss. I figured out what went wrong with the xGF. I think I know what went wrong with the best friend. He must have been fed a campaign of lies from my xGF from the time she started talking with POSOM. But even so, this wouldnít have been enough to sway my best friend to betray me. It would take only 1 of 2 possible things - sex or money. I donít think it was money, which only leaves sex. But I think it was just the possibility of sex that did the trick. She must have led him to think he had a shot with her, so that he would believe her lies. Maybe he finally (weakly) reached out to me last week because he realizes he f-ed up, and heís ashamed? He was a best friend for 36 years. He was by my side during my xWW cheating and divorce. This is a big loss, but it shows his true colors. Maybe this is who he always was?

My emotions have been swirling around since Saturday night. They go from periods of time where I feel good, to times when Iím sad about losing my best friend in addition to the woman who I thought would be my life partner, to times where Iím angry as hell (at her, at him, and at myself for not recognizing the same signs that my xWW displayed). I want the merry go round to stop spinning so I can settle my emotions and feel calm. Sheís gone, and good riddance. But what about my friend? I donít want friends who behave the way he has behaved recently, but I want the version of him for the past 35-1/2 years. I know posters have said I should call him up and ask him to have a beer and talk it out. Iíve tried that. Heís not interested (at least he hadnít been many weeks ago - probably because he thought he had a shot with her). I think the only thing I can do is stay no contact with him and only reply when he initiates contact, and respond with the same level of his remarks. When heís ready to be my friend again, he will let me know. Until then, I have to fight through these feelings without him.

I just never thought I would find myself back in infidelity again and especially so soon after my divorce.

Catwoman posted 11/12/2020 08:41 AM

I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I'm still upset by this.

How would she know?

I blocked an ex-boyfriend who stalked me online. And I really don't care if he knows or not.

Cat

GotTheShaft posted 11/12/2020 09:44 AM

The ex-girlfriend is really no longer the issue. As blahblahblahe says, she's NULL. Yes, I spent 2-1/2 years of my life with her and thought I would marry her, but it was ONLY 2-1/2 years of my life. We weren't married, weren't engaged, didn't have kids together, and we weren't living together. I'll recover from that sooner than later, especially now that I understand why the relationship ended and have some closure to that.

Losing the girlfriend sucks, but losing a 36-year friendship with my best friend on top of that is a lot of betrayal all at one time. Especially since I just discovered my ex-wife's infidelity less than 5 years ago. I'm trying not to be completely jaded by all of this and stop trusting everyone, but it's going to be damn hard.

Now, I'm focused on my best friend. As I said before, there are only 2 reasons why a best friend of 36 years would betray me - 1) money or 2) sex. I don't think there was any money in the mix here, so that leaves sex. My exGF was using him as a crying shoulder, but not for herself - she was manipulating him so that he believed her story, knowing that if my best friend believed her, then it was likely that a lot more people would believe her and she wouldn't look like the bad person she is.

So she had to make him think he had a shot with her. Such a stupid decision on his part. Even if she wanted to date him, what he stood to lose was so much greater than what he stood to gain. Dating her would mean that he would lose his current girlfriend whom he seems happy with. He would definitely also lose his 36-year friendship with me, which it appears he was willing to risk. And he would probably alienate all of his other male friends, because how would any of them trust him not to do the same thing with their wives/girlfriends? What a stupid choice he made, especially since he was likely manipulated and tricked.

twicefooled posted 11/12/2020 09:51 AM

GTS - big hugs, it sucks to be stuck in your own head. Been there done that.

Do you have any proof about what you are saying about your best friend, or is it all guessing based on what you feel happened? I'm only asking because if this is what you've come up with, but it's all guess work, then you may be the one harming the relationship. I had a friend that I considered my best friend at one point. She dated a real ass who didn't like me (because I didn't like him). She chose to believe shit he would tell her, instead of talking to me about it. I got tired of defending myself against accusations, from my best friend, and decided to remove myself from her life instead of continuing to defend her. If she would have come to me, after they stopped dating, and said "tf, I'm so sorry. I should have talked to you about this instead of believing him. Please forgive me" I totally would have accepted her back. Instead, she just never reached out and I lost a friend.

I don't recall seeing that you actually spoke to him, so that's why I'm asking.

GotTheShaft posted 11/12/2020 11:38 AM

Twicefooled, thanks for your insights. Yes, it's mostly speculation because he isn't speaking to me. On Labor Day, he was angry and abusive with me via text about me not accepting the breakup, which at the time was only 1 week ago and when I saw exGF at the beach, she said we could talk soon. His texts had such an aggressive intonation, it was as if I had cheated with his girlfriend, ex-wife, or sister. Completely out of line. I remember another friend telling me that even if I constantly stalked my exGF and waited outside of her house or place of work until she agreed to speak with me, he would likely say "GotTheShaft, you're making a fool of yourself, but I understand why - you're upset. What can I do to get you out of this funk?" That's what friends do. And I wasn't stalking or anything like that. This guy's behavior didn't match my actions.

Then, 4 days later, after I called her brother-in-law to wish him happy birthday, my best friend texted me and said "Dude, did you really reach out to xGF's brother-in-law?" Again, why is this any of his concern? I texted back asking why he was involved in this, why he seemed to be defending her, and if she was putting him in the middle, why not tell her to leave him out of it and deal directly with me? He then texted me another barrage of angry and abusive texts with generalities like "I was treating him like dirt, he could be friends with whomever he wants to, and I need to stop accusing him of shit he's not doing." I tried to call him to discuss it, and he hung up on me and said don't bother reaching out to him again. I hadn't accused him of doing anything, even though I had highly suspected something. I also never told him he couldn't be friends with her - I just didn't understand why he'd want to - they weren't friends prior to me dating her, they didn't work together, live on the same street, or do anything that would create a need to remain friends. Even though I thought he was way out of line, I actually apologized to him and told him that I'm sure he was trying to help, but I was really in a lot of pain from the breakup.

The next weekend, I texted him again to apologize and see if we could put this in the past, and move on with our friendship because that meant more to me than fighting over a girl. He replied "no worries...". On October 4, I invited him and his daughter to come over and watch football with me, my daughters, and another couple and their daughter that we were all friends with. He declined. I stopped trying with him that day.

He finally reached out to me last Friday and texted "Feeling better now?" - I'm assuming he meant about me having Covid. I replied "Yes, thanks for asking. It was a rough 2 weeks, but I'm finally healthy again. How are you doing?" He then replied "Glad to hear it! All is well...". Every other person (family, friend, colleague) who learned I had Covid, typically followed up with more questions like "Did you have to go to the hospital? What were your symptoms? Was it bad? Did you have trouble breathing? etc." He asked NOTHING. So I replied "Awesome! Let's catch up soon."

He doesn't appear to be interested in repairing the friendship right now.

newlife03 posted 11/12/2020 13:56 PM

I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I'm still upset by this.

You're not giving her anything! Instead, you are showing her (if she even knew) that she doesn't matter and you've chosen to remove that toxicity from your Facebook feed.

As for your BF, I'm sorry things got so sour with him. Based on the dialogue you described, sounds like he might have been interested in her and didn't want you reaching out to her, nor to her family to stay in her life...so he could move into it.

He doesn't appear to be interested in repairing the friendship right now
.

He reached out to see how you were feeling. It's a step in the right direction...a baby step, but step nonetheless. I wouldn't write him off just yet :-)

GotTheShaft posted 11/12/2020 14:08 PM

newlife03, I agree with you on the best friend. I think that was his intentions, and now that she is posting on social media that she has a boyfriend, maybe he will back off and come back to me?

This has just been a lot to handle.

twicefooled posted 11/13/2020 09:41 AM

We can be our own worst enemies sometimes, can't we? Especially when we are hurting.

Here is what you wrote:
"He finally reached out to me last Friday and texted "Feeling better now?" - I'm assuming he meant about me having Covid. I replied "Yes, thanks for asking. It was a rough 2 weeks, but I'm finally healthy again. How are you doing?" He then replied "Glad to hear it! All is well...". Every other person (family, friend, colleague) who learned I had Covid, typically followed up with more questions like "Did you have to go to the hospital? What were your symptoms? Was it bad? Did you have trouble breathing? etc." He asked NOTHING. So I replied "Awesome! Let's catch up soon."

GTS, he reached out to you and asked how you are doing. But because he didn't ask the RIGHT questions, according to you, then it wasn't genuine.

I bet he feels like nothing is good enough, just like you feel. However, putting your own thoughts onto his actions are actually becoming detrimental. And with you having had Covid, it probably isn't smart to meet with people and he probably declined due to this - not because he didn't want to, but because he was making a medical decision to protect himself. That isn't a slight against you. And neither is him not following up with whatever questions you feel he should have asked if he cared about you.

My exh constantly wanted me to "prove" my love to him. Do you think that because you are feeling hurt, that you need him to "prove" he cares about you and his actions aren't good enough to you?

I'm being harsh here, yes. But I truly am feeling that changing your perspective may allow you to repair the friendship.

GotTheShaft posted 11/13/2020 15:30 PM

Twicefooled, I'm not sure I agree with you. That doesn't mean that you're wrong. You very well could be right. Yes, he reached out, but it seemed like a half-assed reach out. He was a guy I spoke with a few times per week. We have the same parenting schedule, so on the weeks with kids, we would get together with the kids usually on the weekends, and on the weeks without kids, we would try to find a night during the week to grab dinner and on the weekend to go out. Covid hasn't slowed him down. He was going out back in June when bars and restaurants opened up. My exGF was very worried about going out, and I was somewhere in the middle.

More importantly than the depth of this recent text communications between me and him, he was very angry and hostile towards me on Labor Day and a few days later when I called exGF's brother-in-law to wish him a happy birthday. My friend's responses to my actions didn't fit. He was behaving like I cheated on his girlfriend or his sister. And even so, I was the one who apologized to him, because I wanted to save the friendship.

I get your point about me not really knowing what is going on in his head, but he's not behaving like the friend I've known for 36 years. Sure, he might say the same about me, but the difference is that I was devastated by the breakup, and a good friend would have a little more patience and compassion.

twicefooled posted 11/13/2020 19:08 PM

Perhaps your friend is going through something. I just can't fathom a friendship such as yours to be torn up over something like this unless something else is going on. He isn't coping properly, obviously, but I'm just wondering if it has nothing to do directly with you? Because that can happen, it can be a coincidence.

GotTheShaft posted 11/14/2020 13:15 PM

Twicefooled, it makes no sense at all. But I donít believe in coincidences. She must have told him something that turned him against me.

Hippo16 posted 11/15/2020 09:51 AM

GotTheShaft

Have you considered your not-so-friend has strong attraction (feelings?) for your ex?

Add to that - maybe pissed that she didn't take up with him after dumping you.

GotTheShaft posted 11/15/2020 12:44 PM

Hippo16, yes I definitely considered that. In fact, after the way he treated me after the breakup (got upset with me when I wanted to talk with her or when I called her brother in law to wish him a happy birthday), I thought for sure something was up with the two of them. Even though he had started dating a new woman for 3 months prior to my breakup, my exGF would have been an upgrade for him. His treatment of me did not match my behavior.

I think my exGF must have spoken with him prior to breaking up with me and manipulated him into thinking he had a shot with her. She probably fed him lies about me going all the way back till whenever she started talking with POSOM. I doubt my exGF had any intentions of getting together with my best friend, but Iím sure she thought if she could get him to buy her story, it would make it easier for others to do so too. Then she wouldnít look like the bad person for dumping me.

I doubt my friend will realize that POSOM has been in the picture likely since April, even if it never got physical. He will simply buy the story that this guy just happened to reconnect with her after she and I broke up. The disgusting part is that this is the same story my exWW planned to sell when she was cheating on me, except I caught her cheating.

I just donít understand why my best friend would even bother to reach out to me a week ago if it was going to be such a half-assed attempt?

GotTheShaft posted 11/16/2020 13:26 PM

Good news - finally tested negative for Covid this morning.

Still feeling nostalgic about the breakup and disappointed in losing my best friend.

Grateful for every positive, though. The negatives will eventually work themselves out one way or another.

GotTheShaft posted 11/17/2020 13:43 PM

Another female friend of mine who I had introduced to my exGF told me that the exGF reached out to her Friday evening via text. This friend of mine has a son in the same school and class as exGF's son, and apparently, most of the messaging was about the boys, being a single mom, and that exGF missed seeing this friend of mine. My friend purposely avoided bringing me up. Towards the end of the text conversation, exGF texted "I only want what is best for GTS, so I know that I made the right decision." My friend replied "I don't know anything about what happened, and I'm not even sure that GTS knows what happened, but unless one of you all tells me what happened, I'm not really able to offer any input."

THIS is what my best friend should have done - stay out of it.

My female friend knows that exGF is full of crap. But my friend is nice, and she's keeping open communication with her. And, I'm ok with that, because I know she has my back. This friend of mine was also the victim of her ex-husband cheating on her, so she hates cheaters.

If exGF wanted out of my life so badly, why is she reaching out to so many of my friends? I'm sure she misses having the friends that I have, and she probably hopes they won't look at her as the bad guy, which is why she probably said what she said about only wanting the best for me. Just interesting that she had to squeeze that into the conversation at all.

GotTheShaft posted 11/19/2020 08:51 AM

It's been nearly 3 months, and I'm still missing my exGF. I know it's not even real, because she's not the person I thought she was. Even if there wasn't infidelity (which I definitely think there was at least an EA), the way she ran to my best friend when I found her at the beach and after I called to wish her brother-in-law a happy birthday, was just really cruel. And, now she's reaching out to so many of my friends and trying to retain those friendships, telling them "she only wants what is best for GTS, which is why she knows she made the right decision."

Why can't I seem to move forward? I have women reaching out to me through Facebook and through friends, wanting to be set up with me. I have gone on a few dates with different women, and even 3 with the same woman, but each one I'm comparing to my exGF, and it's not even a fair comparison.

I'm trying to move forward. I'm speaking with a therapist, reading books, posting on here, exercising, hanging out with friends, spending time with my girls, and trying to focus on work. But my exGF is still dominating my thoughts so much of the time.

We weren't married, weren't engaged, didn't even live together. Very seldomly even spent the night together because she has her sons 100% of the time. Yet, somehow I feel such a strong connection to this woman, it makes no sense. And, she has moved on with this new clown she's dating (and was probably communicating with during the last 4 months of our relationship). Why is this so hard for me?

My life is so good in every other area. Why am I spending so much energy dwelling on this?

I'm no longer hoping for her to come back. I'm honestly trying to move forward. I just can't comprehend why I am struggling so much with this.

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