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Divorce/Separation :
Divorce and .... sexism ???

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 DragNet (original poster Member #70398) posted at 1:36 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

So, what’s your experience with this? WH left me for his AP April of 2019. Since then, I often feel like friends, attorneys, WH, etc. expect me to act in certain stereotypical ways. People either expect me to act like a vindictive bitch or a hysterically grieving woman.

To some people (my family), I’m not angry enough and too weak. To others, I’m not sad enough, which makes me an ice queen. Many people, even women, act like I should tuck my tail between my legs and slink off with no alimony. When I pursue financial security and a fair split of marital assets, friends, even other women, act like I am out to get WH and am pursuing money I don’t deserve because I work.

Also, I can’t believe how many people are stupid enough to say, “I would NEVER get divorced!” Ugh. I guess they want to believe it is a character or personal flaw, so they can convince themselves it will never happen to them.

Has anyone else experienced this? I can’t wait for this divorce to be over so I can move on.

Val

DragNet

“What you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.”

posts: 51   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8572254
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phmh ( Member #34146) posted at 2:15 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

Yikes - that wasn't my experience at all. Are these friends? Acquaintances? If anyone had negative thoughts about me, they kept them to themselves. Sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8572263
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 2:31 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

Strange. Hard for me to imagine anyone being ignorant enough to feel that way about you, especially any idiocy about forgoing what you are entitled to financially. That is mind boggling, that anyone would expect that.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8572265
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 4:13 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

I didn’t experience that at all, luckily. Most people were supportive or kept their opinions to themselves. But regardless don’t worry about what anybody else thinks. you do what you need to do.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8572283
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 4:22 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

I didn't experience any of that, or maybe I was just so tuned out to the opinion of others that I really didn't pay attention (I've never really cared what others think).

As the old song goes, walk a mile in my shoes. Until someone has, their opinion is irrelevant. Don't listen to them and do what you need to do for YOU. It's not a popularity contest.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8572284
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messyleslie ( Member #58177) posted at 6:07 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

I'm only sharing the details - like the financial and actual divorce agreements with my inner most circle. They support me 100%. No one else has really said anything, but I have kept it close.

I did worry about what people (especially older women) would say at church because I am really involved, and had already gotten a couple of "can i connect you with so and so what has been through this and reconciled?" and "God can do anything and I believe he is going to heal your marriage" type of comments when I shared that I had him move out. I ended up asking my inner most circle to sort of protect me from that and I prepared a one liner to say if anyone made a comment - but I never even needed it. I'm not even interacting with anyone but close friends because of covid - I'm not seeing those ladies at church now and its not like we were texting buddies.

I would stop telling people information. And if someone says something as stupid as "oh I would never get divorced" - have a one liner to respond with like "yeah I never wanted to either but my husband decided to have sex with another woman" or "I didn't choose to get divorced but its the wise thing to do when your husband leaves you for another woman" or whatever. Be snarky.

I forget exactly what my one liner was but it was something like "thank you for asking how we are doing - I have actually decided to move forward with a divorce for the safety and health of myself and my children and I will let you know if I need any help."

Sorry you are dealing with stupid people. There was actually a short period of time when I really wanted someone to say something stupid to me so I could unleash some of my pent up anger on them

posts: 253   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8572301
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ashesofkali ( Member #56327) posted at 6:48 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

@DragNet:

Keep doing what you need to do. Until "some people" have walked a mile in your shoes, they have no right to comment. They don't know a blessed thing.

@messyleslie nailed it with this, if you ask me:

I would stop telling people information. And if someone says something as stupid as "oh I would never get divorced" - have a one liner to respond with like "yeah I never wanted to either but my husband decided to have sex with another woman" or "I didn't choose to get divorced but its the wise thing to do when your husband leaves you for another woman" or whatever. Be snarky.

I forget exactly what my one liner was but it was something like "thank you for asking how we are doing - I have actually decided to move forward with a divorce for the safety and health of myself and my children and I will let you know if I need any help.

Hugs.

[This message edited by ashesofkali at 12:49 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

I'm a fBW, 51, no kids. My xWH had a LTA. I chose D because he was never sorry. Life is way better on this side of infidelity.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2016   ·   location: WA
id 8572309
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:53 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

Wow!! I’m shocked at the responses you have received.

These people must be living the Dark Ages.

A good one liner may be necessary for those that would “never divorce”. These are the type of people that believe cancer is contagious and won’t be near people with it.

Not big fans of this type and I know the kind you are referring to. I see them in my church too. Fortunately they are not in my friend group either.

Luckily you have us here at SI that support you and understand your situation.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8572322
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 DragNet (original poster Member #70398) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

You guys confirmed my suspicions! This isn’t normal! I’m definitely not sharing too much people. I’m just talking about general attitudes of a few. I may have made it sound lol Le a broader problem.

The one friend that faults me for pursuing a fair split of assets is from WH’s same country of origin, which is in the dark ages as far as women’s rights. Also, I am realizing that them having the same country of origin might actually make her loyalties be with him rather than sisterhood.

The other treatment, as far as people making general assumptions about how I should be acting or feeling, I truly believe is because of the southern town I’m living in. It is a good ol’ boys club where women are supposed to act like southern debutants and be soft and sweet. That’s NOT how I was raised in the Midwest!

DragNet

“What you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.”

posts: 51   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8572394
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 3:20 PM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

Yes, those situations are unusual. I have a small circle of friends (family is fairly large). None of them ever asked nor did I discuss the financial issues. They may have asked about custody, but my D wasn't contentious.

Also, I can’t believe how many people are stupid enough to say, “I would NEVER get divorced!”

Most people have enough sense not to make such comments on things they've never experienced. One might think they wouldn't have PTSD from an IED too, but they haven't had to go through it.

I often feel like friends, attorneys, WH, etc. expect me to act in certain stereotypical ways.

Do you mean as a typical BS or specifically as a BW? Two different things, I think. Sounds like they are surprised you are acting LOGICALLY. Again, I wish people wouldn't judge and TELL you how to feel/act, especially if they haven't been through infidelity.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8572414
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whatIknowNow ( Member #69015) posted at 4:54 PM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

People are generally blessed with 2 left hands when it comes to dealing with divorce of friend or family.

When my marriage ended, wife left, I got all kinds of unhelpful comments from friends and even my father.

I don't think they were intentionally unhelpful, people just make all kinds of assumptions when these things happen even though they know little or nothing about what actually did happen.

You have to learn to just ignore this bullshit. I don't think it is possible to fix it.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Texoma
id 8572445
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 5:17 PM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

I didn't have sexism so much as I had a lot of people (family mostly) who had never been through a divorce who wanted to advise me and thought I was doing everything wrong when I was just trying to listen to my lawyer and keep things civil.

Interestingly my divorced brother was the one who quietly offered to go to the lawyer with me, took notes, helped me gather info, and never "well you should. . . " at me.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8572457
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