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Surviving In House Separation

Throwaway999 posted 5/12/2020 08:08 AM

I am not sure where it is best to post this, but this forum seems the most appropriate. My WH and I are in a in-house separation.

He is regretful but truly no longer empathetic to me so I guess he is unremorseful, continues to lie about affair details and continues delete all of his emails and texts. He keeps his phone with him 24/7 and this is a huge trigger for me. I am still hyper vigilant as my last Dday was Nov 2019. He is not cheating at the moment as he has terminal cancer. He has completely given up trying with me. He does not discuss the affair or have any interest in healing himself or trying to heal what he has broken before he passes.

I have decided to continue to be his caregiver and let him live here with my kids and I until he passes.

During this lock down, I have found it especially hard mentally to live every day like this. It is a hell of bottled up emotions for me. I am trying my best with the 180, but I can only carry it so far as I do have to cook and clean for him etc as he is unable to do that himself. Any words we have are just superficial or just cross with each other. My love for him has disappeared slowly over the last few months. I mostly just feel anger and resentment. His affair was a LTA and he lied to me for many, many years. The current lying makes me believe that I donít have the whole truth of it and I have resigned myself to know that I never will. I now think that there may have been other affairs or ONS, but I will never know as he lies constantly. There is nothing left of our marriage of 23 years. I am trying my best to be compassionate in regards to his illness.

Just wondering if anyone here has been through an in house separation and any tips to survive?

Thank you all....SI has been my life saver.

LadyG posted 5/12/2020 08:43 AM

He is not cheating at the moment as he has terminal cancer. He has completely given up trying with me

You are an amazing human being 🙏🏼😇

Till death do us part... thatís just what we, the faithful, loyal spouses, partners do

NEWPERSON posted 5/12/2020 10:29 AM

I have been in a separate bedroom since Decemnber after DDAY maybe 8 or 9 .It sucks ,I need to be in my own space where there is peace and harmony where I am not reminded of my pain and also reminded by the WH that he was not always bad , he did look after me ect .I am also not a heartless person -during this lockdown he started getting gout -I made him food and said he must stay in bed and got him meds .What I know though is that I do not want to be the person that nurses him after he betrayed me so painfully ,I don't want to be his comforter, his support structure because then I am caring for someone who did not care about me.I am leaving as soon as the lockdown is over to go heal properly and maybe oneday we will have a relationship for the sake of the kids but I do not want to live a live of suppressed feelings because he gets angry when I tell him how hurt I have been and how my dreams and future plans have been dashed.

i think you need to see a counsellor for your own well being -you matter and even if he is terminally ill -you should also decide what you want for yourself.

Throwaway999 posted 5/12/2020 14:02 PM

We are finally in separate bedrooms also...I finally feel a bit of peace before bed. Going to bed in the same room was torture...how to do live with the person who caused you so much pain and most interactions with him only cause me more pain. He went out of his way today to climb the stairs as I was in my bedroom....so he could yell at me.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/12/2020 19:24 PM

Good lord. He is a special snowflake.
I have no wisdom - my WH moved out to be with the AP so, you know...

But please keep protecting yourself. Can you set up off limits times? Where you not available for him?

The1stWife posted 5/13/2020 09:09 AM

Iím sorry for you. I really am.

You want to be compassionate towards him but then he yells. Maybe he is extra crabby due to meds or pain or something.

Itís not you - itís him. Please know that.

He doesnít sound like he was a good person when he wasnít ill - so why expect he would be a good person while ill?

Iím sorry I donít have answers. Do you have a counselor or anyone you are seeing to support you?

josiep posted 5/13/2020 10:36 AM

I'm going to ask these things just to maybe help put the situation in perspective and give you a different way to look at it.

1. If you left, would his AP move in and care for him?

2. Would your kids be willing to come take care of their Dad one or two days a week so you can go somewhere? To a park, or sit in the back of a church or anywhere you could feel some peace?

3. Is Hospice an option? I don't know how they're setting things up with the lockdown but they might have a program that would help you.

4. Do you have a minister/rabbi/priest/spiritual advisor? Talking to someone like that might help you find some inner peace while you're going through this.

5. Now for the inner reflection one: are you letting him stay in your house out of a sense of kindness? Or is there perhaps a benefit to you in terms of getting to be in charge of him? After all, he only gets to eat what you prepare for him and he only gets the visitors you allow in, etc. Not that that's a bad thing but if you're suffering through this for that, you might want to ask yourself if it's worth it. And it might be, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just pointing it out because it might make it easier to tolerate when you can truly see how you benefit from holding the power (if you do).

6. His phone. He's likely hiding it because he's trash-talking you to his contacts or looking at porn sites or even talking to his AP or some of the prior AP's.

Sometimes, we can get through an ordeal easier if we actually recognize the things that are causing the pain. And the bottom line is, this man has abused you for years and even in his final days, is refusing to acknowledge your pain. Whether he's unable to be empathetic or whether he's just an a**hole, I don't know. But to not have your pain acknowledged is difficult under the best of circumstances but to not have it acknowledged by a man on his deathbed who should be reviewing his life and beginning to see the light is just unfathomable. I mean, who does that? It's not something we'd be capable of so it not only hurts but it puzzles us.

My counselor has a book she shared with me. It's actually a children's book and it's a parable. A parable about how sometimes we have to be the light but sometimes, someone who is bringing the darkness is a gift in the sense that it allows others to be the light. I'm not sure I explained that very well but his darkness will eventually be out of your life but while it's here, you are getting to be the light and I must say, you're wearing it very well. You are the ultimate example of someone doing the right thing even when no one in the world would blame her for not doing it. You're a brave, courageous and honorable soul. And even if he never acknowledges how blessed he was to have you in his life, WE know. And maybe that will have to be enough for you. That and the knowledge that when you're facing your final days, it won't be as an angry person who has nothing good to count when he reviews his life story. And in the end, isn't that the best thing of all? To know that we were the light when the world needed it. That our presence on this Earth mattered, that it counted for something, that the world is a better place because we were here.

Hugs to you. And kudos, too.

Throwaway999 posted 5/13/2020 10:40 AM

The really odd thing was before DDay and in the past I thought our marriage was solid. But in hindsight, I didnít know he basically had a double life when it came to his contact with women. And he obliviously never ever shared his true feelings with me. We always got along, had fun, made each other laugh and rarely fought. Now itís the complete opposite. Itís like his true cruel personality has surfaced. Now I am also not the nicest since DDay. I have said many things I probably should not have said. But in my defense I am hurt and blindsided. And I have voiced all of my inner resentments openingly to him.

When he is angry with with me itís about the affair. He wants me to be over it by now. And never discuss because he is sick. He has blamed me for the affair (and now denies he did) and openly blames me for his relationship with our kids.

Yesterday he brought up the kids. They are not paying him enough attention. He doesnít like that they sleep in, on devices and in their rooms a lot. I told him...if he wants something else from them, itís on him. He needs to talk to them, I wonít be his go between. And I sure as hell wonít tell the kids that he feels neglected. And leave them with lasting guilt over how they interacted with their father in his last months.

He says I have undermined him with our kids. Not true...the kids and I are super close. Why? Because I make it a point to be involved in their lives and talk to them constantly. I check in on their mental health almost every day. I listen to them. That didnít come overnight. Itís who I am. I have a long standing open relationship with them. They know they can tell me anything. I am there for them.

As far as our living situation...I am not sure how I can mentally take much more. There is a lot of dead silence in our house. My WH and I basically donít speak unless we have to. I live my life as separate as I can from him. I have given up on any reconciliation. Not going to happen. Not because of the affair but because of how poorly he has treated me since DDay.

Yesterdayís blow out was because I asked him to stop deleting emails and text histories and for him to re-start IC. Not to discuss the cancer but instead for him to discuss his healing from his affair and years of lying.

I hope every day for him to have a lightbulb go off, but it wonít ever come. When I try to talk to him...I get denials and anger, but what I really want is remorse and apologies.

Throwaway999 posted 5/13/2020 11:17 AM

josiep - sorry I didnít see your post before.

To answer your questions:

His AP lives out of our area and the affair is no longer active. As far as I know, there has been no contact since his cancer diagnosis. That was one of the first questions I asked him after DDay. Is she going to care for him now that he is sick....nope. He says they are no longer in contact.

The kids are young adults and all live at home. He threatened to leave many times since DDay. To get his own apartment...so he could ďdie aloneĒ. Neither of us are working right now. So I told him I would not be paying for his apartment out of our savings. If he wants to go....he can go live with his mom and her husband. They have ample room and she would certainly dote on him. He wonít go....his decision. But I also he needed to stop throwing the threat in my face every day.

The kids want him here....and I feel itís the right thing to do, for our kids sake. The fighting isnít pleasant for them but they all know about the affair and understand the hurt it has caused. Yesterday I approached him in private and he choose to continue the fight in earshot of the kids. I shut it down fast.

Itís definitely not about me controlling my WH. Far from that...throughout Covid. His family has continued to come here to visit. I expressed my concerns and he ignored them. I suggested he wear a mask if he goes out...he wonít. He does what he wants. I feed the kids....so of course I make enough for him. I make sure he is comfortable and try my best to minimize his pain.

He will go to Hospice when his condition worsens. We both decided it was not best for the kids to have him pass away here at home. I donít need my kids having the lasting memory of his body being brought out of our by a funeral home. Sorry to be blunt....that happened to a friend of mine and they ended having to move because of the bad memories.

I am in IC. And have many close friend I confide in.

I believe I found out about the affair because....I was meant to. I am thankful I know about it. I now know my truth. If there is any positive to come out of all of this....itís by emotionally detaching now may help me later. I donít know....I know I will still grieve, but I kind have already started grieving. My marriage is over....I definitely feel grief every day about it.

Thanks for your kind words.

northeasternarea posted 5/13/2020 13:36 PM

My WH and I basically donít speak unless we have to. I live my life as separate as I can from him. I have given up on any reconciliation. Not going to happen.

Yesterdayís blow out was because I asked him to stop deleting emails and text histories and for him to re-start IC. Not to discuss the cancer but instead for him to discuss his healing from his affair and years of lying.

These two statements are in opposition to each other. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. What you have to work on is accepting is that he is who he is and you have no power to change him. It takes two people to argue.

OwningItNow posted 5/13/2020 15:07 PM

Yes, detaching means allowing the other person to do every hurtful and dysfunctional thing they want and not caring. Just letting go. I found it easiest to say it all outloud as if every worst thing was true, and I forced myself to accept it. In your case it would be like:

"He is talking to his AP and deleting it. I just don't care."
"He and his AP are laughing at me. Oh, well."
"He is calling me horrible names behind my back. Whatever."

Do not run from or try to control the ugliness of who he is. Force yourself to sit with what hurts and accept it. Be sad about it. That's fine. But say nothing to him, do nothing about it. Detach.

Josiep, man, that was one beautiful post! You are such an inspiration and gift to this website. You have come so far. I was deeply moved by your words. Thank you.

Throwaway999 posted 5/13/2020 15:14 PM

I agree with everything posted and I thank you so much for the support. I do still need to detach more for sure. He still hurts me and less talking and fighting will mean no more hurts. I do like the idea of just constantly reminding myself of all the things he has said to me. I have a list here (on a different post) and in my journey. Fighting gets me nowhere. Now having said all of that, today he has made an effort with my son. So he did in fact listen to me.

josiep posted 5/15/2020 11:12 AM

I didn't realize the kids were living in the home or that he's able to go out.

So here are a few more ideas: Well, first and foremost, you need to give up on him because it's hurting you and there might even be a part of him that's enjoying your pain so THAT is reason enough to take it away from him.

The new you: Get fixed up every single day, great attention to your physical self, whatever that might mean. Fixing hair, exercising, doing eyebrows, shaving legs, etc. Whatever your normal routine was, do it and then some. Your clothes are laundered and pressed and you look like a million bucks when you step out of your bedroom in the morning. You prepare breakfast with fun music playing on the radio (reggae always cheers me up) and you smile and be happy. You greet your children with glee and ask about their day, etc.

You do not talk to your WH. There's nothing more to be said. YOu speak only about the most mundane and matter of fact things. "Here's breakfast, let me know if you want anything else" and then turn your back to what you were doing. Civil but short and to the point with no wiggle room to insert emotions.

If you have a hobby, then maybe spend the rest of the morning doing that or calling friends to chat, laughing at their stories and telling some silly ones about how you dropped the pancake batter in the dog's dish or whatnot. Do not mention him in any conversations, he's no longer a part of your life. His physical body is still in your home but that's all it is.

Have a good lunch, do some exercise, do housework, do yardwork, anything to keep busy. Whatever you do, don't sit and watch TV with him, don't sit to do anything unless you are in your bedroom with the door shut. Let him see your strength and what your days will be like when he's gone.

And, to be blunt - you don't owe him a dinner companion. You eat where you want to eat. If the kids like all of you to sit down together, OK, do it. Otherwise, you're done sharing meals with him cuz there's nothing in it for you.

Sounds like he's still able to do a few things for himself so it's also not your job to do his laundry. None of this "well, I'm putting in a load anyway, might as well put his in" cuz that just keeps him front and center in your mind and in your life and those days are behind you.

Might be time to start wearing your favorite perfume everyday, not just for special occasions.

This next one might be over the top cruel but it's not meant to be cruel but to put your mind in a different place: Start looking at paint colors to make your bedroom YOURS and YOURS ALONE and ways to rearrange the furniture in the house and maybe clearing out some of the extra stuff in the kitchen cupboards which might include some of the stuff he was partial to. If you were going to be divorcing, those would be great tactics but since he's terminally ill, they might not be very nice although the reason for doing them is to empower you and help you through it.

Anyway, just some ideas that might help you get through it a little easier. It's essentially the 180, designed to give you the time and space to rediscover yourself and quit having him be the driving force for everything you think, feel and do.

Another great idea for lifting spirits and strengthening the body: Put on YouTube videos and learn some new dances!

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/17/2020 08:33 AM

You need to have Personal Care Attendants. this is a person who comes in and makes his meals, does his laundry, takes him places if needed. If he has that diagnosis, he should be covered under his insurance and definitely under either medicaid/medicare. If you have it in your state, call Easter Seals. That is the only one I know that is national or call the hospital and ask them who does PCA services. Have him evaluated and get the heck out of the care taker role. He can abuse them and they will snap him right out of it

Throwaway999 posted 5/17/2020 08:49 AM

We live in Canada so things operate a bit differently. The palliative nurse spoke to me about having someone come if I need to go out. So I know thatís an option. And Hospice is available as long as the patient has 6 months to live, so we may be in that timeframe soon also. And I can alway make him move into his motherís house if things take a worse turn.

When the kids are around, I find itís a good buffer. I focus on them. I have been keeping my conversations with him to a minimum. And I know now never to have another ďaffairĒ discussion with him ever again. It gets me nowhere and causing me more pain.

Having said all of that, I absolute hate living like this. The limbo is horrible. I feel tension 24/7. I am trying to focus on positives. My DD just got her acceptance into her first choice for university this past week. Hopefully she will be able to have a proper first year away as she has already lost out on a granulation and a prom. As long as our province continues to open up again. Fingers crossed.

Thank you again....you are all so very kind hearted to read and listen to my vents. I makes me feel not so alone.

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