SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so not okay with this man just randomly showing up as though nothing happened. No call. No asking.

That's entitlement. Not remorse. Not consideration.

Did the AP dump him? Is he a narcissist and she do something that didn't serve him so he dumped her?

Please be safe.

Can anyone confirm that they've heard from Notriangle recently? I'm worried since this has her last posts and she's disappeared after being a frequent poster. I just hope she's okay and keeping busy instead of being put into a dangerous situation.

She last logged in November 8th.

I apologize for disappearing from SI for a little while and thank you for your concerns. My WH is not a violent person and I would never put myself in harm's way.

I am doing well but still confused. My WH appears to have emerged from the fog, finally. I guess the grass wasn't so green over there. He seems sincerely regretful but my guard remains up.

He has given me access to his phone and facebook. I verified that he has blocked her number and blocked her on Facebook as well. Did you know that blocked text messages can still be accessed? AP tried to contact him several times during the first week after he left her. I verified his account of the break up and she also complained about the fact that he was not responding.

He is seeing a normal psychologist here now, unlike the crazy one he was having an affair with. WH is dead set on putting us back together. The divorce is still pending. My family hates him as do many of our friends. I don't know.

Nice to see you are okay and hanging in there. Your WH kept you dangling for several months. Let him dangle for a while. If he really wants your M, you should see consistent effort over an extended period. There is no rush. It’s not a race. Take care of you. You decide how much interaction you want with him. Don’t be bullied. He is the one who left. You are the prize. Good luck.

Seems like he can't stand to be alone, and you are working out well as plan B.

He is making some of the right moves, but I would caution you about allowing him back into your life. Do NOT hit the pause button on D yet. If he really is getting it, and making changes, and working on himself then you can observe, becasue if they last they last. Do NOT feel pressured to decide today, tomorrow, etc.

I would make sure that if he is feeling remorseful you get what you want and need from him divorce wise now.

How is it on the home front?

Does it feel right by you to have him there?

Do you want to R?

What he wants is one thing, but is it what you want?

Talk it over with your IC as well as your lawyer. Then with him.

Do what you want for a change.

Good luck

yes, do not hit the pause on the D. See how he reacts to you while moving forward. If he is remorseful, he won't act out.

If he starts acting out if you don't slow down the D, than you know he is just regretful of the situation hes in, and not the damage and hurt he has caused you.

As has been said, do not hit the pause button. Divorces take some time to get done, as I'm finding out.

Divorce takes only 60 days in our case because there are no child custody issues. I filed on Oct 1st. I have not contacted my lawyer yet to find out about delaying. My WH is here at the house and we are getting along fine, but we never fought before his affair either. I am pretty certain that he is not in contact with the AP any longer.

I still feel hurt, angry, distrustful. I guess those are normal feelings under the circumstances. He professes to be in love with me but really, how did he do what he did if he is in love with me? He says he had a breakdown and was not himself and he says she was very manipulative. I feel like I should give reconciliation a shot but this is hard. Hard to get beyond the past and hard to make myself vulnerable.

Go ahead with the divorce. There's nothing preventing you from reconciling after it's final.

If he really dies love you he'll understand that you need to protect yourself after everything he's done. In fact he should be encouraging you to do whatever you need to feel safe!

He says he had a breakdown and was not himself and he says she was very manipulative.

So it's not really his fault then, right? It was his psychotic break and OW's fault for using this against him? How the hell do you work with that in R? You can't! Because it was ultimately his fault and until he has a diagnosis to explain a psychotic break, it didn't happen. It was all his bad choices.

Is he willing to get IC and make sure this never happens again? Is he taking other steps towards fixing this and becoming a safe partner? Or is he just handing everything over to you and hoping for the best?

Your H hasn't given you any reason to trust him again. What happens the next time? Continue with the divorce, and if he fixes his stuff, you can remarry him. If you notice over the next six months that he isn't fixing anything, he is not a good candidate for a relationship. You deserve a partner that treats you well and is trustworthy.

You can halt the divorce proceedings for now and keep them on hold. Just make sure your "these must happen" boundaries are clear and concise & be ready to continue the D if he steps out of line.

I'd still keep money separate, maybe even develop a legal separation but you stay together - that way you are not responsible for any debt he incurred while he was with her or if he goes back to her.

I would be hard pressed NOT to want to know what happened. I'd be even harder pressed to contact the AP and get her side of the story...

My gut is telling me to stall the divorce and take more time to observe. I do believe that WH is not communicating with the AP. He seems genuinely sorry and he is seeing a therapist.

It seems like he just wanted to escape when life got very difficult. The AP was good at manipulating, as she is a psychologist. She is also fairly wealthy and used that to lure him. I am not making excuses for him. He is a grown man who made poor choices. He was selfish, cruel, dishonest. He learned that love is more important than things. At least, that's what he says. I have to decide if I can forgive.

Keep on keepin on! As people say here quite often:Trust your gut! Be vigilant and take care of you. Good luck.

At least, that's what he says.

When a person shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time.

Watch your back.

You can D first, ask him to take an appartement then re-evaluate.

His consequence will be the loss of his marriage. He might be able to demonstrate he’s R material afterwards...

My XWH also told me that he was going to "spend the rest of his life making it up to me". Guess who had another affair 5 years later?

If not this one, it will be another. And another. And a secret cell phone. And a secret FB account.

This is not a good and solid relationship. You deserve better.

NoTriangle, you have said a lot about what he SAYS but what will he DO? Does he accept that he needs IC and to address what allowed him to cheat beyond "AP was manipulative and rich" and "I care about love more than things"? Those are very weak reasons for cheating and if he doesn't dig deeper, what's to stop him when the next wealthy AP comes along and throws some money his way? Won't he be tempted again?

I think you should see a lawyer and weigh the pros and cons of stalling. If there are no issues with stalling, then go ahead. I don't think stalling is wrong as long as there are no repercussions to you other than lost time. What really concerns me though is that many of the things your WS is saying are not good things for R. That could change with more IC and by you calling him out on it so it's worth a shot. Just don't accept the reasons he's giving you now as an acceptable "why" and a good enough justification for him to never do it again. He needs to work harder than this.