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Why am I so sad !?

Phcj123 posted 10/4/2019 13:23 PM

Just need to vent. Husband is moving out today after 3 weeks of finding out he was emotionally cheating with a client and then told me we have a loveless marriage and we should just coparent. He has had absolutely no emotion in this. Itís like I donít even know him. Heís a completely different person. Like the last 8 years were all a dream. We have a 1 year old. Some days I am okay but last few days I have been a wreck. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I feel like one day I will look back and wonder why I wasted my tears at all. Looking back at our relationship, he didnít treat me how I should be treated at all. I paid for everything, he wouldnít do anything around house unless I asked and then I am nagging him, he never complimented me ever, he would go out occasionally with friends until 2-3 am and not answer calls or give me a time he was returning. We would fight over this but same thing over and over. Why did I love this person!!!? And why am I so sad. I am sad my baby will grow up in a divorced family, I am sad I am all On my own. Baby was up all night and I had no partner to help or vent to. I never imagined being a single mom. I know I can do it but thatís not what I had in mind. Maybe Iím just extra sad this week because he is moving and I am facing reality? Just hope it gets better from here.

KonaGal posted 10/4/2019 13:41 PM

Everything is super new for you and you should give yourself the space to be a bit all over the place with emotions.

My d-Day was last year and so I'm in a different place with that, although I was a bit blindsided that he wanted a divorce. I'll say within the course of a few days, I realized that I have found peace with no longer needing to be captain of the marriage police force. You'll get there too. You'll likely still be sad about the death of dreams for your family, but omg, I did not realize what the anxiety of wondering where my husband was doing to my mental health until it no longer mattered.

I understand the feeling of thinking your spouse is so alien to you. It's very unsettling.

Do you have anyone nearby who can come help you? A one year old is still very demanding, especially when they don't sleep through the night and it's lonely being the only adult in the house sometimes.

EllieKMAS posted 10/4/2019 13:41 PM

Sad is ok, even if you know in your soul that you deserved better. I was/am in that head space too. It will come and go for a while. You will get through it though.

(((phcj123)))

JanaGreen posted 10/4/2019 14:22 PM

This is still so very new and shocking. It'll take time to grieve the hopes you had for your marriage.

A bit of practical advice - it sounds like you are caring for your baby solo right now. Please document everything as far as how much your husband sees the baby so you have a leg to stand on when he suddenly decides he wants 50/50 custody, which would be jarring for the child if you are his/her primary caretaker and would reduce your child support.

gmc94 posted 10/7/2019 23:35 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^ this.

I'm not D, but I still feel I mourned a LOT after we S. It's hard to let go of all of those dreams. Grieving is painful, but kind of necessary.

Endy posted 10/8/2019 00:55 AM

It is becoming glaring to you. It is also a learning process, I believe you shouldnít hurt yourself too much! Let him go, you will heal.. put yourself together and face the reality.

Fablegirl posted 10/8/2019 07:39 AM

This is a fresh wound and you will be reeling for a while. Allow yourself to grieve (you must feel before you heal) and do self-care, whatever that means for you. You were betrayed and abandoned and this is a trauma.
In my own efforts to heal I found rituals that helped the process -- I exercised, meditated, found this forum, developed a playlist of music that I would play with ear buds and walk or run off my furious rage or grief. I read a lot of great books, too, -- Piema Chodron and Susan Anderson (Journey from Abandonment).
Remember that you have suffered a trauma and these stress hormones are circulating in your body. How you view yourself and the world around you will seem surreal for some time.
It does get better. I was married for 20 years and my D day was three years ago. I feel like a new person whose been cracked open and made whole. It will happen to you also.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/9/2019 08:41 AM

Welcome. I am glad you are starting to find your "why" and asking really good questions about why you stuck with him when he treated you like crap.

Of course you are sad. What you thought you had was not real and he is moving on. It doesn't sound like he was ever fully there and he just used you as a cook, bank, hotel and sex toy.

You and your daughter will be better off without this in your life. He showed you how little he values family over and over...so it is time to believe him.

Here is good book that has helped many- "Woman Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood

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