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Anyone Ever Written a Letter to AP?

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Fablegirl posted 6/18/2019 17:29 PM

This topic has come up before I think. Anyone ever written a letter to AP after it's all done? What was the result or the fall out? Did you feel better?

My D is final finally after nearly three years. I was married for 20 years. AP in my case was someone I invited to my home as a guest. She fell in love with my family and invaded our lives -- stayed with us during a snow storm, invited me and DD out for shopping and sat at our table for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
She was also a mentor to DD, even as she was calling and texting STBX and inviting him to her slum for sex.
Fast forward to now -- I am in a good place. AP has evidently has a significant chronic health issue and has put on some pounds (Karma bus beep! beep!). She has never apologized to me or my daughter.
Keep in mind she was flaunting their relationship on social media even before I filed for D. As emotional exercise I wrote a letter to her and have not sent it. It essentially says that she freed me from a cumbersome and expensive marriage to a manlet. It also calls her out for carrying on such a deception of being me and DD's friend while sleeping with STBX.
I am on the fence. I am also feeling some pressure from STBX's family (with whom I remain close) to move on and "normalize" his adultry. I can move on - but I think I need to have it acknowledged that what they did was absolutely wrong and no amount of time or healing can rewrite that fact.

BobPar posted 6/18/2019 18:15 PM

Don't put anything in writing, imo.

she freed me

Any letter being sent seems to imply the opposite. Are you doing it to try and heal or deal with the feelings still? I would try IC, journaling, write the letter and burn it... something that doesn't "give your power" to them.

[This message edited by BobPar at 6:20 PM, June 18th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 6/18/2019 19:45 PM

Don't put anything in writing,


People like her will use everything against you. Don't set yourself up for that.

It's terribly unfair. Let it go. Walk away and don't say a word. See, they are counting on you to do something. Surprise them. Disappear, survive infidelity and SHINE in your new life.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:45 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

J707 posted 6/18/2019 20:27 PM

This was always one those things that I thought about. 14 months past Dday, he was single so no exposing to any really. He did live with his parents at that time though. I have written a letter to both him and my stbxww. I've burnt them. Watching my words and thoughts burn into the night was awesome. I watched the words go up in flames. It was beautiful! I know neither of them deserve my energy or thoughts anymore. If the AP did receive something from me he would probably just think he has the better of me, fuck that! My only choice before was to tell his parents what a weasel they raised. Still can't do that since it isn't there deal.

Mizzbak posted 6/18/2019 22:58 PM


Moving on from this does not normalize your husband's adultery or his AP's deceit. It is simply you choosing to let go. To be free of both of them and their crap. Forever.

It seems unlikely that either of them will ever acknowledge the wrongness of their actions. Perhaps they are unable to do so - even to themselves. And none of this makes what they did any less wrong. Trust in yourself to know the wrongness for yourself. You don't need anyone to validate it.

StillLivin posted 6/18/2019 23:47 PM

I never even had the desire to speak to or write to the AP. Uhggg, but she was someone nameless to me. I cannot even imagine the hurt from a double betrayal of a family friend.
Normally, I'd probably suggest bot to give her precious headspace, but in your case, do whatever you feel you need to heal. If you're worried about fallout, write the letter, but dont send it for 6 months. If you still want to send it then, do so. If it were me, I couldn't care less about what a bunch of pathetic, morally challenged rugsweepers think. JMHO, though.

bookworm19 posted 6/19/2019 03:01 AM

I can understand your need to write a letter to the AP. And you should do it, just don't send it! Put everything in it and then burn it. Just don't put anything in writing for her to keep.

TMI warning: I did this, I wrote a letter to the AP, I even printed out her picture (she was my friend too, like in your case, sorry for how despicable she is!), then burned everything… in my kitchen (I know, not smart ) and then I put the remaining ashes in the toilet. Just before I wanted to flush I felt the urge to crap on it. So I did, I took a shit on her picture and it felt great.

Just go on with your life, you are already doing great!

Shehawk posted 6/19/2019 08:13 AM

My vote is don't. I think we need to focus on ourselves and our own healing and self care and detach as much as possible from the affair partner(s) and their evil minions.

You are so not gonna change the AP or the parents who raised a cheater. Any acknowledgement that what he did is in any way wrong is not gonna come outta their mouths. A slang street expression that fits this situation is "jog on kitty". Move forward. Leave them in the dust until you can't even see them in the rearview mirror.

Just my opinion....but..

Sending a letter is kinda like the initial impulse many of us have had to want to punch the affair partner repeatedly...It might momentarily feel impulsively good but it could really hurt us in the long run. JUST DON'T DO IT!!!

Fortunately I did not punch anyone but I did make the mistake of attempting to get the cheater that raised my cheater to acknowledge what he did was wrong. That did not work well for me.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/19/2019 08:45 AM

Never let her/him know what bothered/hurt you! It shows them which knife handle to grab and twist in you-or in your DD’s-heart. At least that’s what they did to my sons and I when I sent xh an email about how he was hurting us. -OW was also supposedly my friend.

Everything I told xh is what he and ow chose to over and over tell the kids his “version” of why he was right to leave us, and confused them even more. (Remember, xh/ow look “normal”, but they are screwed up mentally)

My best life has been since I heard they fight all the time, she locked him out of the house, and can’t make it thru a meal without cussing him out. she’s learning quickly thru consequences that she picked a manlet .

Xh and ow sent my sons home after Christmas dinner one year and went out of town. I didn’t call them, I simply called my friends in Florida and we drove to visit them. xh texted me that he didn’t receive notification we were going out of town. So I THEN emailed him, “Because you sent our sons home a week early, during the midst of your court ordered Christmas vacation, we are going to Florida. The number to reach us is ———.”

In my opinion, us showing strength like that speaks to them about the ramifications of their choices than anything else. So, instead of a letter, try to take your daughter somewhere, even a nearby town to explore.


[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:48 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

shakentocore posted 6/19/2019 08:51 AM

she freed me

Any letter being sent seems to imply the opposite.

^ This 100%

If you were free, you would not be thinking of her years later.

If the family wants you to "normalize" the adultery, maybe it is best if you cut ties with them. Your DD can still have a relationship with them if you want to support that (otherwise, leave it to your XH), but that doesn't mean that they get to be a part of your life / lives. People who want to normalize the betrayal are not your friends.

FWIW, I did not write the AP. I was in touch with the OBS for a while, but that seemed wrong after I was working on R. I feel sorry for AP (I do not share this with fWH). That doesn't mean I like her, but her life fell apart. Yes, consequences, but still sad all around.

Justsomeguy posted 6/20/2019 17:55 PM

I would but I'm not sure the shitpump can read. Maybe if I drew some pictures... but seriously, anything I have to explain would be lost on him. Pearls before swine as they say...

homewrecked2011 posted 6/20/2019 21:47 PM


LoveTKO posted 6/24/2019 12:25 PM

Don't waste your precious time... all it will do is validate the AP's importance in your life. Your silence will show the AP they mean nothing.

Fablegirl posted 6/27/2019 22:56 PM

Thank you everyone for the advice. I decided not to send anything. It is indeed hard to refrain, but my gut says all of you are right and I loved hearing your comments.

Marz posted 6/28/2019 01:07 AM

Banish them both into nothing ness.

The less headspace the better off you'll be.

anoldlion posted 7/6/2019 20:09 PM

If I was going to write such a letter to the AP it would have only one line.

"He/she is your problem now. Good luck."

I do wish you well.

Okokok posted 7/9/2019 08:31 AM

I wrote a letter back in the day, but as others suggest here, I didn't send it. I did the same for some other players in/around the whole infidelity experience.

It may sound silly or cheesy, but I absolutely suggest that you write the letter but *do not* send. It is so incredibly helpful to get your thoughts organized and perfectly fleshed out just-so. It gets your mind straight and truly helps you to figure out just what it is you're thinking, what you want, what you don't want, etc. What's ok and what's not, etc. On and on.

And then you will have done it. You'll have the words ready to go for if/when you ever truly do need to communicate them to someone (tip: you will pretty much never need to communicate them to the AP), and that will feel good and empowering, too.

Again, just don't send it!

BobPar posted 7/10/2019 10:48 AM

"He/she is your problem now. Good luck."

That made my first laugh of the day.

Shehawk posted 7/12/2019 23:35 PM

Lately I have thought of writing her a thank you letter for showing me just a small sliver of the fecal iceburg my Wayward Husband was capable of creating.

Otherwise I might have gone into old age thinking he was a good man who loved me.

You would have to have read my other posts to understand why I might feel this way, but..

I imagine this is not quite the answer to the question you were actually asking. My answer to that was posted previously. I just could not get this alternate response out of my head.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 11:37 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

WTFOVER posted 7/26/2019 01:37 AM

I suggest you do not write it. Do not give her the time of day. Let her wallow in her miserable life and do not give her a chance to re-enter your life.

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