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Just Found Out :
Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 11:04 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

Its still going to get worse :( my dad has messaged my mum tonight saying there has been a fraudulent claim for PPI in his name, accused my mum of doing it. When she said no it was she thought all PPI had been claimed etc he then accused my Aunt... WHen that didn't stick he's now accused me and said hes going to report me to the police I have never had to speak to police about anything before!!

He's got quite nasty speaking to my mum to the point where he said 'You can all go and stuff yourselves'

My aunt says he is running scared of something, so i'm worried hes messed up with something with his finances and now is being done for fraud :( and he's going to try and take me down with him.

I'm worried i'll get done for snooping, being on his personal accounts etc. I'm worried it'll cause issues for my boyfriend and his son (still under social services due to my boyfriends crazy ex) It's all definitely getting worse at the moment.

I am dreading seeing my dad, it's his birthday on Tuesday, I was supposed to be going to have lunch with him and my sister on sunday for it but won't be now.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8440642
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 11:07 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

BB, talk to a lawyer but without proof, he's got nothing. Just remember, he accused TWO people before you and gave up when it didn't stick. He could have tried charging them but he couldn't. He will have to give up on charging you too.

posts: 5162   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8440645
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 4:18 AM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Take a deep breath. All you have ever done is try to protect your mom and sisters and get your father to come to his senses. I know you are non-confrontational by nature and tend to worry excessively about potential fall-out, but right now you need to keep your cool. Your uncle sounds like a good person to lean on now, and someone comfortable in that role. Go talk to him. And get hugs from everyone who loves you!!

XOXO

[This message edited by Odonna at 3:17 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8440738
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 10:01 PM on Thursday, September 26th, 2019

I told him straight i hadn't done anything and he said he never said he thought i had :/ denial yet again...

My mum has just sent me a message saying she wants to see the evidence i have. Not sure if it will help or hinder her.

Does it help BS's heal if they know the extent of the affairs?

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8443452
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 10:10 PM on Thursday, September 26th, 2019

If they want the details, yes, it does help. Give your mother what she's asking for and trust that she knows herself best and can handle it.

posts: 5162   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8443457
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 1:42 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2019

Hi BB,

There is allot going on for you, please pass on the info your mother requested.

Remember when under external pressure we all think with a differing part of our brain. Sounds like dear Dad is lashing out regarding his circumstances he now find himself in. But not clearly thinking prior to speaking.

Nothing is your fault!

B4

Buffer

posts: 1238   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8443555
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 3:05 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2019

Sweet Bluebox,

I remember your first post when you so desperately wanted to protect your mum by getting your dad to “wake up.”

So... that did not work out, so now you just have to let your mum know the truth of her life.

Set up a meeting in a calm quiet place and have everything printed out for her. You do not want to have to say anything .

You can do it!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8443585
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, October 1st, 2019

How did it go with your mum? How are you doing?

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8445491
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, October 1st, 2019

Hey Odonna, she wants to be in the meeting I have with my aunt and uncle, which hasnt taken place yet as they have been away, I think they are back today, or thursday. So I'm probably going to see them all at the weekend. I dont want anything printed out as I want to be able to show them, without them then hanging onto it as dont want them taking it and showing my dad. I'm going to give a timeline of clues etc, and then show them the key elements that are solid proof. I'm dreading seeing my dad after I've had the meeting as feel like I'm stabbing him in the back. But he keeps telling everyone it's my perception so I'm showing them so they can have their own perspective

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8445494
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 5:09 PM on Tuesday, October 1st, 2019

You are doing the right thing to be forthright. You have been painted as the family paranoic by your father in his continuing denial of infidelity, and that is a double betrayal by him. I know you love him and wish more than anything that he could just confess so you could avoid this, but he has left you no choice.

Just be very calm and factual when you go through the timeline and facts with them. You did the exact right thing when you confronted your dad (and didn’t he admit the affair at first?) and you have never wanted the conflagration caused by his deception.

This will be very hard, but you can do it. Post here all you need to.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8445518
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MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 6:24 PM on Tuesday, October 1st, 2019

you are not stabbing him in the back. You are only showing facts to the aggrieved party.

If he didn't want this to happen, he should not have cheated. He made the mistake, he has to live with it.

Have you seen the OW any?

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
Reconciled

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8445552
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 6:55 PM on Tuesday, October 1st, 2019

Yes he admitted to sleeping with her when i confronted him after the first time. But now he's saying he said he was offered it on a plate, but says he said he didnt take it... :/

Yes i've seen the OW a couple times unfortunately, all 3 tenants are now moving out of the office :( i'm worries hes going to give OW an office now! :(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8445577
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MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 2:03 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019

Uh! I hate that for you BB.

You are so much better at keeping your impulses under control. I would have not been able to keep a civil tongue in my mouth to her or him....

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
Reconciled

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8445967
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019

Give your mom ALL the proof you have and let the chips fall where they may, it's time she has access to the whole thing instead of just snippets and btw you're NOT "stabbing your dad in the back" He OTOH "stabbed your mom and the entire family in the back" when he decided to CHEAT, don't be scared and give her everything you have.

posts: 2640   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8445999
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 6:27 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019

Just a note to encourage you to remember that you have been a loyal and wonderful daughter to both of your parents. I've been following without commenting because you had wise S.I. members responding to you. But I did want to at least let you know there are others out here following your story and "holding your hand" via the Internet through this mess.

But I do want to reiterate that if your Dad suffers financial loss, it's of his own doing and is a natural consequence of his actions. As much as you love him, you can't save him from the consequences of his choices, nor should you try. You can continue to love him but you can't save him, especially since he hasn't done one thing to try to save himself or his marriage or his family.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8446160
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 9:11 AM on Friday, October 4th, 2019

Thanks guys, I really do appreciate the support network I have here. I do my best to keep a brave face around people around me, but i am having moments of crumbling :( I am physically & emotionally exhausted. I have this going on from all angles of my live, both work and home & family. I am doing my best to stay the neutral party for both sides but feel my world is crumbling around me as my dads business now suffers meaning my income is suffering too, and family relationships are straining.

An image came into my head as i wrote this, where i feel i'm holding up a crumbling building over my head and day by day another chunk falls off until i'm now left standing with just one huge brick left surrounded by the rest of the crumbled building :(

I'm also dreading Christmas! Its like this big thing in the corner of my mind i can't stop looking at. It breaks my heart thinking about what Christmas will be like this year :( Every year we all get together, always have. No idea what we are going to do this year.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8447136
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 10:33 AM on Friday, October 4th, 2019

Well, your fear and anxiety are totally normal. What really sucks is that this isn’t even your marriage at issue, yet you are at the heart of this family drama. It is OK to be furious with your dad for his betrayal of everyone, not just your mom. You will still love him, but being honest about your anger will be helpful in the long run.

Maybe make this holiday season about service? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or fire station gift drive? Doing something that is different and focused on others will be the key thing, I think. Maybe eschew gift-giving except for the children. That would address much of the awkwardness. And a new family tradition of service would be a good result.

Have you been able to get IC for yourself? I do hope so. Keep posting!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8447166
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Questioningall ( member #43959) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, October 6th, 2019

I dont want anything printed out as I want to be able to show them, without them then hanging onto it as dont want them taking it and showing my dad.

Why don’t you want your dad to see the proof? Speaking as a betrayed, it would have held me back to know someone (especially one of my kids) had proof but refused to let me have a copy. I needed to look at some stuff more than once as I processed the infidelity. I would have felt humiliated to have to ask someone over and over to please let me see the proof again. If your mother doesn’t have a hard copy to refer to, it’s easier for your dad to gaslight her. “ That’s not what it said. You’re remembering it wrong. It’s out of context. She said it, not me. This is what I said...if Bluebox had solid proof, she would have given it to you. Instead, she made it up and refused to give you a copy because she knew if you really looked at it, you’d see it was fake.”

Me-BS 57
Him-WS 57 Sorrowfulmate
Married 30 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 3 ONS, 2 LTA

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

posts: 588   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014
id 8448157
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 9:34 AM on Monday, October 7th, 2019

It's because i do feel ashamed at how I attained the information, through snooping, invading his privacy etc, and if he saw the extent... ie every single day, multiple times a day etc for weeks... I think he'll be highly disappointed in me and won't want to speak to me as he'll be hurt by it. For my mum she said she just wants to see the proof, not have it in her possession. But also, there's so much of it top print it all out would take me hours/days to collate into the correct order and set up and print, (i'm running 3 businesses whilst trying to deal with all this going on so my time is strained already - I'm working 10-15hrs a day 7 days a week at the moment). Where as on my phone i can just go through the texts in order etc all ready to go.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8448449
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 12:49 PM on Monday, October 7th, 2019

It's because i do feel ashamed at how I attained the information, through snooping, invading his privacy etc, and if he saw the extent... ie every single day, multiple times a day etc for weeks... I think he'll be highly disappointed in me and won't want to speak to me as he'll be hurt by it.

Honey, no. OMG no. Would you have been snooping if he wasn't cheating? Acting suspicious? Gaslighting you as he carried an affair on right under your nose? The only person he should be disappointed in is himself for being such a shitty father and husband to put you and your family through an affair.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2025   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8448487
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