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Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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Bluebox posted 5/5/2019 10:01 AM

Hi everyone, apologies for my absence I have been super busy at work and have been trying my best to keep my head on my work to keep my money coming in. Latest update, i saw him tell her he loves her :( then last night he made a post on facebook about helping those in need, refering to business colleagues etc my boyfriend made a comment on helping family also, yes a dig but a gentle one... then the OW put my dads name and a love heart!!! On his status on facebook for all to see!! Well i saw red and put an angry emoji on her comment, my boyfriends comments and hers disappeared quickly, then a little while later i received a message off him... be warned its a doozy :'(

"Okay, now I will have my say - I don’t know what you and (boyfriend) think you are trying to achieve by posting negative and suggestive comments on my posts but I’ve had enough, and I would like to suggest that it stops NOW! You are blowing this out of all proportion, and are wrong in what you believe.

I get you don’t like her and that is fine - it isn’t compulsory - but (OW) is 1) a client, 2) a colleague and yes… 3) a friend of MINE, and as such is no business of either of you. I don’t interfere in your lives, so please don’t interfere in mine.

You are my daughter and I will always love you, but that love does not give you the right to interfere in any of MY friendships… whether that is with (OW), or anyone else… or to post negative emogis on posts that are no business of yours in the manner you have been doing. If you don’t want to see them - block us on FB - simples.

Bluebox, if you can’t be grown up about this, then I suggest you reconcile it in whatever way you seem fit, but stop trying to rectify your past mistakes with (myExWS) through me… and don’t threaten me again either, for if you do any fall-out will be yours to deal with. I will not have you dictating who my clients/colleagues/friends are… or how I live my life… not now, not ever.

HellFire posted 5/5/2019 10:04 AM

Tell your mom.

It's very possible her depression stems from living with an unremorseful cheater. From the lies,and the gaslighting.

Odonna posted 5/5/2019 11:01 AM

Oh dear, that level of self-righteousness and gaslighting all at the same time is breathtaking.

I know your goal was to get this infidelity to stop, and you were prepared for the harm to your relationship with your dad in order to protect your mom. Your dad has just shown you he is picking OW over you, your mom, and everyone else. He is further playing the “dad-card” to try to intimidate you. And blaming you for your X’s infidelity? That is just cruel.

What are your thoughts now? Caving in to him will do tremendous damage to you as a person. Please do not do that. You know for certain that this is an affair. And now he says he loves the OW also. I think your mom needs to know the truth about her marriage and her life. Just make sure you can prove it because you know he will gaslight all of you and deny it.

I am so sorry for all this harm that your dad is inflicting on you.

PS: go back and read what Lieswearmedown said on page six. Say that speech to your dad..

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:11 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]

Bluebox posted 5/5/2019 11:15 AM

I have written a response, i've just not sent it yet as i want to make sure i say my piece entirely as i may only get this one chance...

"As you are having your say i will have mine, firstly i didn't threaten you, i spoke to you, no i pleaded with you to stop the mistake your making. I can see you have chosen this stranger you've known for a couple months over your family - Mum, Daughter, Daughter, Grandson, Granddaughter and me, but that is your choice to make. As that's the only way this will go, for one your making mum ill, she will sense what your up too, she may even know already, but her gut will definitely be telling her something is going on! Mine always did with MyExWS before i knew anything, mum will too, you claim to love her and yet feel no harm in cheating on her and putting her through this extra anguish :(

As for the comments/emojis last night, Boyfriend was only saying its important to help family too because you were aiming it just at the club, members helping members, but what about your family too? I was the one who put the angry emoji on OW comment because she put a love heart on your post for all to see!! Basically rubbing it in mums face, and mine! Its bad enough her showing her face in the office after what you two have done, but then to have it rubbed in mums face too, is not on.

I am not blowing it out of proportion, I have tried to talk to you about it, tried to let you see the devastation your about to cause on our family, I have given you the chance to resolve it, but you have chosen not too. Plus i liked OW, before you two started your affair. Plus she isn't a client per say as she doesn't pay for her use of the room, her printing, membership etc etc nothing. And as for being a friend, you know full well that she's more than that! You have even told me she's more than that! So of course i'm going to interfere because what you are doing is morally wrong, and affects my life, and the fact you do it right in front of me makes it my business too.

And I am being grown up about this, that is why I spoke to you in the first place instead of just outing you straight to mum, sister or sister! If I was being immature about it then thats the first thing i would've done but i wanted you to see what your throwing away. My only mistakes as you say with MyExWS was that I didn't out him to everyone and leave him the first time he did it! I believed he could change, he would stop... obviously he didn't. And if i'd left the first time it would've prevented my suicide attempts each time i found out it was happening! As that's what it leads you too, thats how bad it destroys you when someone you love cheats on you. There is no pain worse in the world.

I felt horrendous seeing mum, sister & sister over the last week knowing what i do, and i'm not the one who's in the wrong! This situation has been put on me by someone who should want to look out for me, not parade it in my face day in day out.

If you want to carry on with OW, then that's fine, that's your decision, your choice, your life, but do the right thing and tell mum.
As you are taking her decision on enjoying life away from her, and risking her health more and more. It's your decision not mine, the same as what i do is my decision and not yours, but i won't lie to mum, she's been lied to enough.

josiep posted 5/5/2019 11:33 AM

That is absolutely perfect.

There are honorable ways to end a marriage. Cheating isn't one of them.

ChamomileTea posted 5/5/2019 13:01 PM

I'm sorry, but I can't remember if you've ever had any proof of a physical affair. If not, it's not unusual for a cheater in an EA to really believe he's "just friends" with the object of his affection. For some people, it's not cheating until their pants are down.

I do like your letter, but I don't know that I wouldn't maybe attach an article or two about the dangers of emotional affairs. Meantime, I'd be all about getting proof of a physical affair if it exists. And once I had that in hand, I'd go straight to mom with it.

((hugs & strength))

Krieger posted 5/5/2019 14:38 PM

I think you need to look for another job and get out of the drama. As for the social media, I would let it be an avenue for you to observe, but not to post. I think there is a better way to communicate to him, which we did in an email. I know your boyfriend is trying to support you, but his posts definitely don't help the situation. This can be frustrating to him, but unfortunately it doesn't help.


It would have been nice if you could have had both a business and personal relationship with your father, but it just doesn't always work. My advise is step back, regroup and move on to a new job. I wouldn't announce anything until it has bee secured, but you need to move on with your life. You obviously will be asked by your sisters why you are moving on and I would answer their questions directly and concisely.

Wool94 posted 5/5/2019 15:59 PM

Bluebox, your letter is excellent.

I'm still just so sorry that you have to go through this.

You're absolutely right in saying that he should be protecting your family and not desecrating it.

Wool94 posted 5/5/2019 15:59 PM

I liked my post so much, I posted it twice!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 3:59 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

seekers posted 5/5/2019 17:16 PM

BB I think your response was excellent. You are standing up to them in such an honest forthright way. This couldn't have been easy, and I see your bf's response as having your back - well done. I don't know who your father thinks he is fooling,that email has wayword thinking throughout. Again solid job, your love for your family speaks volumes.

ibonnie posted 5/5/2019 17:38 PM

I don't know if sending it will make any difference, but if it makes you feel better, do it.

Then tell your family ASAP before be starts a campaign against you, and telling your sisters or your mother that you're somehow jealous of the OW or have some vendetta against her, that way when you say something, he's already planted seeds of doubt.

Buster123 posted 5/6/2019 00:37 AM

I hope you take my advice this time and EXPOSE them with ALL family and close friends without warning, like I said before, your mother needs to know the truth, it's not your job to hide their A, EXPOSE now and let the chips fall where they may, he's already told you what he wants, don't wait on him to tell your mom, tell her yourself.

Bluebox posted 5/6/2019 04:39 AM

Well his response has infuriated my boyfriend, however for me it just makes me feel sorry for my dad, as he is so clearly so far into the fog i know theres no reasoning with him at the moment. Its a long read and i have responded with another long read, but if you want to see them here it is -

His response to me:

If you are going to have your say stop being so dramatic and get the facts right.

You clearly need to have put into context why I have decided to continue to help OW.

Before I say what I am going to say a couple of things you raise need answering. I posted that post aimed at the club because it was a message to the club… it was on the Club page, so was posted in the correct context. Boyfriend took it out of that context when he raised the subject of family. Your emogi was to the fact that OW was loving the message in the post - nothing more, certainly no rubbing of mum’s nose in anything, and why should she be discreet about loving the sentiment of the post? - others did too, but you didn’t criticise them.

With regards choosing her over the family you are again blowing it out of all proportion and merely reflecting your own prejudice based upon what you think is going on. It might have developed to be more if I had wanted it to, or before you spoke to me - but didn’t… you just can’t see it. There is absolutely nothing going on in front of your face as you state, and it is merely in your imagination. You DID give me an ultimatum and you know it - "tell mum, or you will!" …who do you think you are?

OW IS a Client and does pay her way. What she pays is discounted for sure - but she pays her way… more than some others do, but you don't accuse them of having affairs with me! She is also a colleague too.

As for deciding to 'enjoy life away from mum’ ...how dare you? I have no life at home or with mum - which is why I spend most of my time at work… are you saying that I am not entitled to enjoy any sort of life when at I’m at work either?

OW is a very very sick, fragile woman. She is coping minute-by-minute with 3 x chronic pain conditions, either one of which would render most people incapable of anything. One of those conditions attacks the eyes, and as a result she is completely blind in one eye already, and may possibly lose the sight in the other; that is if she doesn’t die first. She is 42 years old and nobody with the type of ‘condition’ that she has, has lived beyond 48 years old, so her future is rather bleak to say the least. She does get significant relief from the Reiki sessions, but that relief only lasts for about 3-4 days at most. That is because all the 3 conditions she has fight one another, and what ‘sometimes’ relieves the pain for one, flairs up one of the others… Her conditions mean her body is constantly battling against itself. It means she also has to survive on a vey limited but expensive diet i.e. Vegan, Gluten-Free, Meat-Free, Wheat-Free and Dairy-Free… in short, what a miserable life she is enduring!

She was mentally and physically abused for 10 years by her narcissistic, alcoholic ex-husband, who today still continues to try to control and abuse her directly and indirectly through her son, who at 12/13 years old has learning difficulties himself. She lives hand-to-mouth on minimum part-time earnings, in a job which also causes physical pain to flair up in just doing it.

As you can imagine, she now has immense trust issues around men, and a very small circle of friends who she can turn to for any kind of help - woman in office being one of them.

On the plus side, she is an intelligent, creative woman. She has run a very successful business that she built up herself from nothing (which her husband made her sell at the height of it’s popularity and success to pay off his debts, and because he didn’t like that she was more successful than he was). That knowledge will be invaluable in developing sales at work.

Despite her challenges she has an (outwardly) positive approach to life, work and business (within her own physical restrictions). But after the years of physical, emotional and financial abuse from her husband, she is now starting again at rock bottom; on her own. All of THAT is the seed of my interest in her, and why I want to help her as much as I possibly can. Why? Because I have been there, I have lost everything that was dear to me in my life. That which I had worked long hours and made hard sacrifices to achieve. I understand her pain, her needs, and how much a little charity from a caring person can really mean to someone just trying to hold it together.

I have said before that since my illness in 2009, I genuinely believe I came back for a reason. That reason is now driving me to help as many people as I possibly can, in any way that I can. It is the reason I took to Reiki, and the reason why I started the business Club. Unless it happens to you, you can’t imagine how your whole attitude to what are the important things in life can change. How pre-conceived ideas and habits become less important than simply spreading care and attention to those that so desperately need it. You are my daughter so probably can understand that, but are only ‘seeing’ what you want to see right now. And you are seeing it wrong.

Bluebox, you were betrayed by myExWS the whole time you were together. You knew you were being betrayed, because we all told you - but you did nothing about it. That wasn’t my fault or anyone else’s, it was yours for allowing it to happen when you knew what was going on. You now believe I am betraying my love for your mother in helping OW. Your mother is a woman I have loved since the day I met her over 40 years ago, who bore me 3 beautiful daughters who are my constant pride; and the woman I will love until the day I die. But your mum is troubled too. My illness took part of her away back then and she has been struggling to find herself since. She blames me for what happened, for getting ill, and for losing everything that she held dear. It drove her into the bottle, and as a result there isn’t a day goes by, or one conversation I can have with her now; where she is sober. It breaks my heart to see it and realise I am helpless to do anything about it. The last 10 years have changed us as a couple into what now is more like a cohabiting couple of ‘loving dear friends’. We are here for each other, but live separate lives at each end of the day.

When we go away together we experience separate holidays now, so what’s the point? I live with that, and I will always protect and never leave your mum. Nor will I ever give up on her quest to ‘get herself right’ as she calls it. You deciding to create more issues for her now can only damage her more.

For over 40 years I have grafted, working more than 60 or 70 hours a week to provide everything for mum and you girls. I will continue to do that, but in the meantime, I also have a life to live before it is over. I am not getting any younger, and am not in very good health myself at all. I think in whatever time I do have left, it is time to start doing more of what I enjoy doing, rather than merely what others expect me to do.

In your lifetime, you too will make choices from time to time that others may not like - but they are yours alone to make - and are nobody else’s business.

I love you and want you with me doing everything we do, but if you decide for whatever reason you can't then so be it. If you feel so strongly about being around OW then the answer is simple, I suggest you make sure you aren’t.

What you do now is your choice.

..............................................

Then my response to him:

Ok, you can believe what you need to believe to allow yourself to not see what you are doing is wrong, I know your in The Affair Fog. You are trying to gaslight me into thinking its not more than it is... but the truth is your lying to me and yourself and i do feel sorry for you that you can't see it. The affair fog is making you think the only happiness you can have is her, so i know what i'm saying to you won't be going in at all. Who do I think i am? I'm your daughter, as i am mums daughter, and i'm trying to protect our family.

I'm not saying don't enjoy your life, i'm saying your a married man so enjoy your life without going to bed with another woman. You used to go metal detecting - with or without uncle, but you stopped, you have your art, which again you stopped, you have family around you, but hardly ever go to visit them, you have the work you enjoy... so how is all that having no life.

I don't know if by telling me her back story is you trying to make me pitty her and give you permission to carry on without my interference, or you saying well she'll be dead soon anyway so i'm not thinking long term with her anyway. I'm not sure, but to me neither is relevant, its still wrong, you could've helped her as a friend, but you chose to be more. She has good friends around her, and her family too so she has more than most people. Plus there are other people out there that can do reiki on her.

You forget I have also been there at rock bottom, I felt i lost everything, lost my job, got deep in debt with it all and lost my long term partner all at the same time. There's also things i've been through in my life that you don't know about too. You didn't loose everything, and neither did she as you both still have your families and friends. You say you lost everything dear to you, yet you have your 4 girls and 2 grand kids, your mum, your brothers and sisters, your health, your sight, a roof over your head... Yes you have been through a shitty time, but you didn't loose everything dear to you.

I do not want to see this believe me, it has hurt me to my core, and boyfriend is the one who has seen me sat crying over and over, so he is hurting too seeing me in pain.

None of what myExWS did was my fault, the betrayed spouse is never at fault for an affair, only responsible for their part in their relationship with their partner - the option to leave if unhappy is always there, cheating is never the answer. I never wanted to believe someone i loved and cared about would betray me like that, it wasn't until I had proof that I did anything about it. So i never allowed it to happen when i knew it was going on.

So yes I know you are betraying mum in 'helping' OW, as your help is more than helping a friend, you believe you love each other. Mum is in need of help at the moment after what she's been through too, it wasn't just you that lost a lot, she did too. Your illness took her trust away as when you were in the coma a truth came out about your financial situation that she had no idea about, so she felt betrayed by you then too. She learnt you can lie to her, and have done for a while. You are not helpless to help her, being there for her, getting her out and about, going to A/Anon yourself and speaking to them about how to help an alcoholic spouse who feels betrayed. Marriage counselling, counselling for you both individually, there's options out there.

I am not the one who has decided to cause her more issues, that was you and you alone. Your decisions have lead to this, not mine. You could've called it a day with OW and helped her from a distance but you chose not to.

Of course i want you to live your life, enjoy your life, i just want you to see there's ways of doing that without crossing the line. You said all your tests came back clear, your aliments are due to your age, you've had the tests that show that it wasn't anything more sinister. You could still go on to live another 30 years or more yet, you just don't know. You could well out live me, no body knows whats going to happen.

What i do know though is your girls, and grandchildren are your pride and joy, and you have been jeopardizing that. In 5-10years time, if OW does pass away (again she could also live another 30+ years) then you'll have lost your family for some short term joy, and how would you feel then, you'll be worse off than you've ever been and then truly know the feeling of loosing everything you hold dear.

I love you too, but none of this has anything to do with work, this is family, i know it can be hard to separate when we are both to each other, but no it won't stop me being in the office when I need to be.

amethyst0323 posted 5/6/2019 05:15 AM

Urgh, if only he had an small amount of the understanding that he has for the OW for your mother

She reminds me of my WH's AP who gave him stories of multiple problems and things to fix. of course your father is the only man who she can trust! She will never have met anyone like him before I'm sure. It is all such standard bullshit affair fog.

I can't believe that all these ap's don't have the sense to look and think this "wonderful" man is abusing his wife and children. It makes me sick.

Blue box I know you are hesitant but I do think you need to out your father. It will undoubtably hurt your mum but she has the right to choose if she can live her life with a cheater. You should also tell your sisters, unfortunately he has put you in a place where you have to lie to your mum and sisters and that is wrong. He isn't going to admit anything so now you either keep his secret and lie for him or you chose your family and gather round to support your mum.

I'm so sorry, you have put in a truly awful position.

amethyst0323 posted 5/6/2019 05:16 AM

Sorry duplicate post

[This message edited by amethyst0323 at 5:20 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

Bluebox posted 5/6/2019 05:57 AM

His reply to that - 'Most of which would be true IF I was having an affair. But I am not.

sewardak posted 5/6/2019 06:12 AM

I think dialogue is good, but he's not listening to you. He's too far in denial... so, I'd keep it short and sweet for anything else. like, "My god, I'm ashamed of to be your daughter." and then go NC.

Odonna posted 5/6/2019 06:36 AM

Dear Girl, you put your heart and soul into that. Thank you for sharing it all; I feel I know you a lot better seeing you put your heart on the page like that.

It seems he is committed to denying the physical affair. But it is interesting that he admitted she is willing “if he wanted it.” That crosses boundaries all by itself.

I know that you do not like conflict, especially in person, so having a written exchange is good to this point. But he seems so committed to denying the affair that more exchanges will not help. Someone suggested sending him some links about the danger of EAs and crossing boundaries; that may be a good idea in terms of having him hear things from a third party.

And I know you do not want to give up to him that you have access to their communications, but I am assuming there is proof there of the PA. Certainly her train fantasies are evidence; who shares that besides lovers? And he has now told her he loves her.

What a terrible situation for you. What will you do?

Bluebox posted 5/6/2019 06:40 AM

Thanks Odonna I am undecided on my exact next course of action, he is unreachable anymore, too far in the fog. The 'lust'stage, and he will continue to choose her every time, and basically says whatever way mum now finds out, it will be my fault for the pain it will cause :/

sewardak posted 5/6/2019 07:03 AM

"basically says whatever way mum now finds out, it will be my fault for the pain it will cause :/"

but you know better. Do NOT take that on.

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