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Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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MamaDragon posted 7/9/2019 08:23 AM

HUGS!

Now that your Mum knows, she will get stronger everyday.

Your Dad will soon realize all he has to lose - and come crawling back.

Keep in mind, folks usually strike out to those they are the closest too -

Bluebox posted 7/10/2019 13:36 PM

Today I feel so anxious, today I helped my mum take the rest of her stuff out of the house to my grans. She has tried to talk to my dad every night this week be he wont have it. Still denying. Still giving her the silent treatment. So shes left. Not told him, no note nothing. And I feel so sorry for him. By now hes probably home from work and knows shes gone, as she took alot of the family photos and all her stuff. Dreading seeing him tomorrow.

He was ok with me yesterday, business as usual. But OW came in and proper laid into the friend up here. I came into the office to their shouting! Wanted to go help the friend but thought it best I stay out of the way. Today, he wasnt talking to me, I tried with him but he wasnt having any of it :(

So I imagine tomorrow will be worse.

Bluebox posted 7/10/2019 14:18 PM

My mums messaged to say hes home and hes messaged her denying it all again, shes not replied as doesnt know what to say to him. My heart is breaking for him, I know it's his own doing but doesnt make it any easier :(

Odonna posted 7/10/2019 14:30 PM

I am so sorry everything has come tumbling down as you feared. I am around and will listen to you all you like.

What were the OW and the friend arguing about? Was it about her relationship with your dad or office stuff?

Your mum seems incredibly strong. That is a good surprise in all the rest of the mess.

Is it like your dad just to dig in and deny no matter how ridiculous that makes him? He must think that if he calls out "false" long enough it will wear you all down. But you know - this is not a matter of suspicion. You outright know for a certainty. I know you don't want to reveal that you see (and have seen) his messages, but as days or weeks go by you might want to re-visit this.

Bluebox posted 7/10/2019 14:43 PM

Ow was blaming the friend saying it must've been her that's turned everyone against her. My name was mention alot with suggestions of I wouldn't know unless the friend has told me... that me and the friend have been in cahoots this whole time :/ yet the first time I spoke about it to the friend was last night as I sent her a message to make sure she was ok after OWs attack. Ow was even saying none of it's true to her friend! Even knowing that her friend knows :/ they're both denying it and it's making me feel awful.

I told my mum about it and shes told me to thank OW when I next see her, and tell her shes done her a favour.

I cant stop crying tonight at the thought of my dad home alone. My mum is surrounded by family, but he is alone :(

My dad is very stubborn, always has been. He has put up his walls and wont let anyone in. My bf doesnt understand why I'm crying for my dad, but it all just breaks my heart :(

RubixCubed posted 7/10/2019 14:49 PM

Your sympathies are misplaced. If you want to feel sorry for someone feel sorry for your falsely accused friend that you should have spoken up for. You really should blow up both your Dad's and the OW's denials with just enough evidence to prove they are lying.

Bluebox posted 7/10/2019 14:54 PM

Its OWs friend not mine, but I did message her afterwards and she thanked me, and said it best I hadn't intervened. I spoke to her again this morning and she feels better she can now talk to me

MamaDragon posted 7/10/2019 15:31 PM

It is going to take your Dad hitting rock bottom before he snaps out of his fog.

You can feel sorry for him but you have to realize that none of this is your fault. It is all his, and he knows this but is hoping to bluff his way around it or hoping that you and your Mum will feel sorry for him and rug sweep his indiscretions.

You can love him, be there for him - heck you can even support him emotionally as he tries to put some order back in his life - but you cannot excuse his behavior. He has to know that actions have consequences.

I would recommend you asking your Dad out for Lunch and in a public place just tell him that no matter what he has done, he is still your Dad and you love him. Tell him that everyone makes mistakes & it is the actions after making a mistake that makes a person - and while you love him, you will not allow him to mistreat you all because you discovered his affair. Tell him he raised you to be honest and trustworthy and that is how you are reacting to his affair. He might get angry but I bet he will go away and think upon what he has done to you.

Whatever you do though, don't allow him to use you as a punching bag. You don't deserve that - If he can't treat you with respect, don't be around him.

MamaDragon posted 7/10/2019 15:34 PM

Oh! As far as the OW, she is going to act out and blame everyone for the affair falling apart.

She is going to try and come out smelling like roses - she just realized she lost her 'paycheck' (IE your Dad)

And I bet your Dad is scrambling (in his head) bc he is now realizing what he has to lose. I bet he never thought your Mum had the gumption to leave him - and he is trying to rug sweep his relationship with his AP.

Even if nothing physical happened (we know it did) he was to close to her -

(hugs)

Stevesn posted 7/10/2019 16:17 PM

Might I suggest you tell your mom to msg him one thing and then stop messaging at all after that.

She should say:

if you would tell me the truth and tell me the details of your affair then maybe we would have a chance to work on our relationship going forward. But the lies you are giving make that impossible. Until you honor me with the truth, we have nothing more to discuss and you can be with her or whomever you want to be with for that matter, just not me.

Then recommend she stop communicating. If he comes back someday with an admission of all he has done, then they can start talking about a path forward.

Until then, I see the above as the best next step.

Btw, I understand you feeling bad about your dad. Itís only natural.

Odonna posted 7/10/2019 16:22 PM

So wait, the "friend" was OW's friend who knew about the A before you did? And OW was saying the friend must have told you? And then DENIED to her "in the know" friend that there even WAS an affair? Am I getting that right?

Wow! Who all witnessed this blow-up? Office gossip must be raging now....

I am so sorry that your sweet heart is hurting so much for your dad. I understand how noble and loyal you have tried to be for all your family all through this. But you cannot protect him from his own stupidity. He dealt himself his own hand, and the only way to avoid playing it out is to acknowledge the truth of what he did.

Bluebox posted 7/10/2019 16:35 PM

I knew before the friend, I knew when she found out and obviously she didnt tell, but she has said she tried to keep out of it best she can. But yes shes denying it to her friend, even though they both have spoken to her about it :/ so they are both kn the denial bus.

Although what they are actually saying is that they aren't being physical, they just like spending time together and are really good friends... yeah ok :/

I heard the shouting as I came up the stairs to the office, almost thickened out going in but I didnt I went in anyway. The other tenants knew it was also going on, but I'm not sure if my dad knew as was at the other end of the building.

Apparently the other 2 tenants sat down with my dad this morning and had a Frank conversation with him. Saying about what they've seen and heard... he still denied it was anything physical. But they've said how uncomfortable they feel, and they want him to keep his personal life away from the office, including OW.

Think I'll stay away from the office for a few days and let him calm down. And also let me regather my strength

Odonna posted 7/10/2019 16:49 PM

Let's assume just for fun that it was not a PA. It is CERTAINLY an EA per his own admissions - even per what he told your mum about OW and his desire to "help" her. That is a classic EA, and that is an AFFAIR, even if they never even kissed.

But you know the truth that it is a PA. Remember OW's train-riding dirty essays that left her flushed in public transit? That sort of thing only happens POST-intercourse. And you saw admissions in their messages. Plus, your dad ADMITTED it to you face-to-face.

But the important thing is that is cheating either way.....

HellFire posted 7/10/2019 17:24 PM

Oops. Wrong thread!

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:26 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

imwideawake posted 7/10/2019 19:18 PM

((Bluebox)) I am so sorry your father put you in this position. I feel your father has been gaslighting you along time, probably way before this. Your feeling sorry for him is possibly coming from a place of codependency and treatment of you from him that may span decades. I don't know for sure, but I think you may start to see a dysfunctional familial pattern as you get some distance. I hope you get into therapy very soon. I've been in a similar situation with my father and it took years for me to see the ugly side of him. Don't waste years like I did. You can still love him but it's important to not believe his bs or begin to doubt yourself. Hugs to you.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 7/10/2019 20:15 PM

I donít understand your pity for your dad. He alone did this. He wanted it. He was warned and still chose to continue. He WANTED this.

MamaDragon posted 7/11/2019 08:36 AM

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

Your Dad is just grasping at straws to keep the truth out. Everyone seems to know about it.

How did you find out that the other folks talked to your Dad? They must also be uncomfortable with the way he is treating you too.

Bluebox posted 7/11/2019 09:10 AM

One of them told me mamadragon, they needed to clear the air so they can get a bit more normal with him again.

He didn't ring my mum at all last night, just that one message she didn't reply to... he's asked her where shes gone so he can forward the post etc. I asked her what i say if he asks and she said just tell him the truth, no point lying.

I've messaged him today saying I hope your okay dad, love you xxx
Not had a response

Odonna posted 7/11/2019 09:48 AM

I must say I really admire your mum! I know you have been worried about her depression and drinking, but right now she seems like a focused champion determined to get out of infidelity. I know she must be in a lot of pain, but she is doing all the right things. I am glad she has you and your sisters for support.

Your dad is making a fool of himself gaslighting everyone. But he will have to see that for himself at some point. All of you have to be consistent in not buying into his denials. All you have to say is: ďBut we know. And so do you.Ē

You stay strong and focus on YOU.

nekonamida posted 7/11/2019 17:02 PM

Your feeling sorry for him is possibly coming from a place of codependency and treatment of you from him that may span decades.

It is codependency. There's no probably about it. Crying, worrying, obsessing over a grown man alone when he himself wanted to be alone is codependent.

Bluebox, your dad is fine. He doesn't even care that your mom moved out. He's ready to get the ball rolling for separation by forwarding her mail so that he can interact with her even less. He's not crying. He's not losing sleep. So why are you so upset about something that doesn't even phase him?

Is it because you see something inherently bad or painful about being physically alone or living alone? If you find being alone so painful and unbearable, that's an issue you need to see an IC about because it's not normal.

I'd also like to point out that you were paralyzed with fear about your mother committing suicide for months when she's now fine. Angry but in such a good place mentally that she makes jokes about thanking OW. She's so much stronger than you ever knew and I have to wonder if you're so enmeshed emotionally with your parents that because she's okay and you can't worry/fuss/be anxious over her, you're now turning to your dad to worry/fuss/be anxious over even if he doesn't need it. Your view of the situation and what's actually happening aren't even in the same ballpark.

Wouldn't you feel so much better if you could just let your parents be adults and handle their own problems? Wouldn't you have more energy for yourself, your life, your boyfriend, etc. if you didn't have to spend so much time and energy worrying about them when they are proving to you that they don't need it?

I'm curious as to why you feel like you have to protect, guide, and control your parents as if they are the children and you are their parent.

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