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Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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ibonnie posted 6/14/2019 08:45 AM

Bluebox, you're feeding into their drama. As messed up as it is, this them another reason to cling to each other... right now it's them vs. you.

Remove yourself from this equation. Find another job ASAP. Tell your aunt, uncle and sisters, and then step away.

Odonna posted 6/14/2019 11:29 AM

Well, she now knows that you know, although certainly your dad had told her of your confrontation with him. They are both gaslighting you now, pretending nothing is going on between them.

Do you see anything in their interactions or texts lately? I know you said they seemed to have had a falling out. While it would be nice if the affair fizzled out, that does not change the fact that it happened and they have not gone NC and your dad is still being dishonest with you and your mum, and indeed his whole family.

If the affair has stopped will you rugsweep or still expose? I know early on you just wanted it to stop and you would keep the secret from your mum, but I think more recently you have begun to see how damaging that is for all involved. If it has stopped, your dad should be the one to confess to your mum and do what he must to recommit to the marriage.

I would suggest giving him Linda McDonald’s short book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” (free in pdf on-line). It is a recipe-book for what a WS must do to re-build a marriage. It should be a wake-up call for him.

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:34 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Thanksgiving2016 posted 6/17/2019 13:31 PM

She's parking in the lot because she is letting you and everyone else know this is her territory now. she is staking her claim. Your comments to her don't bother her one bit. Your dad is back to normal now because he knows you aren't going to tell and he can now carry on with the relationship in the open. She only thinks your homewrecker comments are pathetic.

Bluebox posted 6/21/2019 10:09 AM

They're messaging has died down a fair amount - whether that's because they've had more time to see each other face to face I don't know, but there is still messaging going on. I'm starting to think my dad has told my mum... how much of the truth i don't know. OW is back in hospital as of last night and he was the one who took her in yesterday and stayed in with her until 4.15 this morning! He messaged my mum at 11.15pm saying bloods had been taken and they're waiting on results so he had told my mum where he was etc.

I now have an ally at the office, one of the tenants. Spoke to her about it yesterday and she said she'll help me build my business so i can get away from my dad. She's lost all respect for him, and said you'd never think he was the type to do what he's doing or to say the things he's said to me. Really helped to speak to her about it, and i warned her i'm not sure how things will be once i out him, she said that's fine, she's there for me to speak to etc. Asked me if i wanted her to speak to my dad, but i said i don't know what you could say or what good it'd do.

I had a bad day this week as things hit me again. People had tagged me on FB for doing some work, same work as my dad can provide, even a friend of his tagged me, then he tagged himself and it really upset me. We shouldn't be competing for work, its always been us together, working together, i felt so sorry for him that he had to tag his own page :( but then also angry he put it after i'd been tagged about 5 times :/ It obviously upset him too as once i'd stopped crying i checked his messages and saw a message from her saying 'You've got me by your side now' so I know he was thinking the same as me.

I'm worried about my dad though, after speaking to the lady from work, she said OW is dangerous, shes damaged goods and doesn't care who she hurts in the process, its all just a game to her, she's not serious about my dad :( so he's going to loose his family for someone messing about!!

I think he's also sending her money by the looks of things because she's been too poorly to work. There's money going out of his account in various £100/£200 amounts saying 'Earl Grey - I have you' as the description. He barely has enough money for himself never mind her :/

[This message edited by Bluebox at 10:15 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 6/21/2019 10:32 AM

Gah! I kept hoping the OW would die. Awful, I know, but it is what it is. Too bad she is seemingly fine.

((((((Bluebox))))))

MamaDragon posted 6/21/2019 13:02 PM

^^I am so glad I was not the only one wanting that to happen!


(hugs)

Odonna posted 6/21/2019 13:55 PM

I am so sorry you are suffering Blue; none of this is your doing.

Just focus on work, and maybe tag your dad on something he did as a signal you are not competing with him. One source of disagreement and disappointment (and being such a huge one) is enough.

Are you going to tell your uncle and sister? Is it time to talk more with your mum?

Odonna posted 6/29/2019 07:17 AM

How are you doing Blue? Is your business picking up? Are you and your dad talking? Is OW still around? Have you spoken to sister(s) or Uncle? Will your mum go to AA? Have you tried Al-Anon yet (highly recommended)? Do you still think your mum may know about the affair?

I don’t mean to be nosy, but I worry when you disappear. I do hope you are OK!

Bluebox posted 6/29/2019 15:18 PM

Hey, i'm just about keeping my head above water to be honest, the stress of everything is taking its toll, but right now its worse... My dad is in hospital now too!! He was rushed in via ambulance yesterday and it was looking like sepsis! He's had bloods etc done and now looking more like an infection. Unfortunately he's at the same hospital as OW :/ but i'm hoping neither are allowed to leave their rooms!

I'm super busy work wise as i have my own business to run, i help out my boyfriend with his so i work all day on mine, every evening and weekend with his, and now i'll be covering my dads work too as his business still needs to run whilst he's in hospital.

He has been paying OW money again to cover her rent whilst she's in hospital :( and yet owes me about £600.

Me and dad speak regarding business but thats it, I can't even bring myself to visit him in hospital and thats a horrendous feeling!

Woman (my Ally) at the office has spoken to OWs friend who also has an office in ours and has told her shes not happy with it all and feels uncomfortable being in the office now, so looks like its going to cause my dad to loose money as she wants out. OW is upset that this woman isn't happy for them.... :/

My mum and sister drove to the hospital together to see my dad and my mum has told her shes really unhappy in her marriage with my dad. That they live completely separate lives etc yet I've seen messages between them today telling each other they love each other...

I had planned to see my uncle last week, but he cancelled on me last minute, and as of yet hasn't rearranged, but whilst my dads in hospital i just don't feel i can out him at the moment.

Odonna posted 6/29/2019 17:35 PM

Good Grief! What a Mess! I get it that health scares blow everything out of the [blue]box. Stand close by your mom and GO VISIT your dad, and just be a daughter for this little while.

But DO make a plan to resolve all this. You had one for a while (telling your uncle) and you need to move forward with that or a new plan as soon as your dad is better. This limbo serves no one, especially YOU!

Thanksgiving2016 posted 6/29/2019 18:19 PM

So you’re parents are broke and can’t afford a divorce but he can afford to support other woman?

Bluebox posted 6/29/2019 19:45 PM

Never said they cant afford divorce, my mum just cant afford to have her own place, neither can my dad but no doubt he'll just move in with OW when this comes out so he'll be fine, it's my mum I'm worried about

ibonnie posted 6/29/2019 20:11 PM

If you're worried about your mum, you absolutely need to tell her the truth ASAP. What if your dad has this medical scare, gets out of the hospital and decides life is too short not to be with his *true love* and moves in with the OW, leaving your mum in the dust to fend for herself?

I know your mum has a drinking problem, but she needs to be prepared for the possibility that your dad could decide to just leave her high and dry for the OW.

Bluebox posted 7/1/2019 04:26 AM

So my dad has told my older sister... she has messaged me this morning saying 'how long have you known about OW, I believe your not speaking to dad. Any reason you've not told us about any of this?'

She sent it in a group chat with me and my other sister, and we are getting together tomorrow evening to discuss it all. Which is my younger sisters birthday :(

I've told them mum is suicidal, so we're getting everything on the table so we know how best to help her going forward, and because my sister wants to know the full story not just my dads view.

Odonna posted 7/1/2019 06:04 AM

Wishing you strength! I am so glad this is coming out in the open now. And I hope your sisters understand that your not sharing everything was born of good intentions, in the desperate hope of protecting your mum. A therapist once told me that, in any disagreement with someone you care about, it helps to remember that their intentions are generally good. This is not true of narcissists, of course, but I have found that to be very good advice in helping resolve many issues with the people in my life. I hope your sisters can see your good intentions.

Keep posting and let us support you through this!

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:05 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

MamaDragon posted 7/1/2019 08:35 AM

Well at least now you are not alone with knowing.

How did your Sisters take it? I imagine they are as hurt and upset as you.

Bluebox posted 7/1/2019 10:45 AM

My mum also knows for definitely now, don't know how long she's known for or who told her but she does know.

I think my sisters are angry at me for not telling them, guess i'll find out tomorrow :( he told them last night, but I didn't know until that message from my older sister this morning.

More people at work have found out too, causing some members to leave... so everything is crumbling around him, and i honestly feel sorry for him. I am not looking forward to the fall out of everything.

I was talking to the woman at work earlier and she says OW has done this before, gone after a married wealthy man, just don't think she realises my dads not wealthy in the slightest!! So I know she'll leave him soon enough by which point i don't know what he'll have left :(

Odonna posted 7/1/2019 11:07 AM

I told you a little while back that your Dad would be best served by confessing himself. Perhaps he has done that? I hope so, as that indicates he may be able to do the work to heal his M and your family. Did you download the book I recommended? “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” Read it and talk to your mum and sisters about it and give it to your dad.

Do you plan to tell that you have access to your dad’s messages? Or just that you witnessed the bum-smack and saw them being too close? Best to decide in advance what to share about your detective work. Normally I would say be transparent about it all, but if your dad cannot do the work and falls back with the OW, you would want to know right away. Think it through in terms of what is best for your family.

[This message edited by Odonna at 12:22 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Bluebox posted 7/1/2019 11:19 AM

I am going to be completely honest with my sister tomorrow, I have said bits via message, but as she said about getting together tomorrow i left it at that. I will show them the conversation me and dad had where he said about my ex's affairs being my fault, and if i tell mum or them the fallout will be my fault etc, i'll tell them everything i'm able, and not withhold anything. Including the times i've been face to face with mum and tried to tell her but couldn't.

He said he'd never tell any of them, so he's obviously rethought that. I think me not going to see him at the hospital, or speak to him in the family chat flagged up to my sisters that we aint talking. So if they asked why we're not, maybe thats what started the conversation in the first place.

I think my mum has known for about a month, or atleast suspected, as she certainly seems more determined to split from him at the moment and with her being so mentally unstable i do believe she knew.

Ooh no i've been meaning to re read through this thread to find the book recommendations, time is just not my friend at the moment whilst my heads mashed i'm struggling to stay focused on anything.

Odonna posted 7/1/2019 12:29 PM

1. “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. Free pdf on-line so just print it out. Good short “wake-up” call for a WS on what they have to do pronto to start down the right path.

2. “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, which is more of a diagnostic as to how affairs start and work to do to insulate a marriage from future intrusions.

Both excellent.

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