Nice to hear from you again, by the way.
Our first IC and MC (same person) calmed us both down by stating that some men who engage in unappetizing repetitive sexual behaviour simply stop when found out. The fear of what they could lose and the realization of how much it hurt them and their loved ones is enough to simply eradicate any future urges.
She put it as simply as that. He has been riding on that explanation ever since. I ditched that therapist because my point has always been and will always be that I need to understand the why's. She argued that I may never know because he probably doesn't or will never admit it to himself ot to me.
I don't buy that argument and this is where we knock heads.
While he isn't comfortable with the though of his being a SA, he cannot explain in any logical way why he could not stop, why when he knew it was wrong that he kept doing it and why he did it when he needed to escape life.
All he keeps saying is: It was easy, I had the time and the money. He used to use the stress, anxiety, hating his business partner excuses but hasn't brought that up in a while now. Why? well, because he still has those stressors but isn't engaging in his habit so why did he have to then?
Never any explanation as to why he completely shut me out of his life as well as basically ignoring the kids for most of their lives, why he would not have relations with me at all, why he was angry, irritable, defensive and verbally abusive.
You see, what's not clear to me, even after all these months is why he would turn to this activity knowing full well that if I found out chances are I would ask him to leave. I take that as him choosing his dangerous habit over our life togeher. Even if he compartmentalized , something allowed him to feel that it was acceptable to disrespect me and our children.
That alone is enough for me to throw in the towel. When I really think about how he used these women after timely research on CL and numerous phone calls to several of them day after day, how he felt uninhibited enough to undress, let them fondle him and climax, it just makes me sick.
This is a man who covered himself up in front of me as soon as he got out of the shower! I had not seen his body in years. YEARS. And yet, he felt these women were important enough to him to "manscape" down there. I was appaled when I finally saw that- TMI, I know....
I understand your examples of smoking, alcohol etc and I know people who have done the same. I'm just not sure my H is willing to dig really deep as you and your H have to figure out what motivated him and what he can do to find healthier ways to deal with life.
Taking me out, seeing friends, telling me he loves me. That's all good but it's all normal. It's not reparative, it's what I expected from the start. If he's expecting a medal for that he will be dissapointed!
I have time on my side. No rush to make any decisions and all the time to work things through while he pays for the therapy.
At least in the meantime, our children get some semblance of what a marriage is. Finally.