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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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burn posted 7/26/2018 19:14 PM

Thanks so much for posting. I have had a hard time matching up the ASD diagnosis with the infidelity based on what I have read. But like your WH, mine never fell in love and never intended to. He never came close to an emotional affair. It was definitely a hobby or special interest for him. Sort of an obsessed constant repetitive sort of hobby- contacting hundreds of women on Craigslist and meeting up with any of them who were willing.

It did seemed to be a sort of coping mechanism for stress or unhappiness and developed into a habit or routine for him. He told me he did it whenever he was lonely or bored. And I too heard the- "I didnt want to bother you" line.

After 18+ months (and over a year since the ASD diagnosis), I do see my WH starting to develop more appropriate social skills in our relationship, but it is painfully slow going and I think a lot of the credit goes to our MC's ability to work with the ASD.

He is struggling with the honesty thing. He will lie when it serves his interests, but will be brutally honest about things when he wants- and not see how it could be hurtful. He cant distinguish the fine line there. He cant understand how I can tell him never to lie and then get hurt when he states something true- (like your saggy boobs example). He cant see the difference between being 100% honest about his whereabouts and being 100% honest about things that are true but you dont need to say to people because they are just hurtful. The MC has been working with him on this in therapy.

I will look for the article you suggested. I'm glad you joined us here.

Maclou posted 7/27/2018 03:43 AM

Hi Rebplay,

My WH doesn稚 have spectrum characteristics. He has definitely got FOO issues-nothing he did was ever good enough, his siblings did everything better (have witnessed his siblings being told the same) Mother was an only child and very selfish, father in law enforcement and a bully.

This definitely contributed to his state of mind -he had lost his job for the first time in his life and I think felt a failure.

My WH had a lot of other things going on but seems to be working on them with his IC so 🤞🏻

What do you think happened with your WS?

rebplay posted 7/27/2018 11:13 AM

[This message edited by rebplay at 8:26 AM, July 28th (Saturday)]

Hardroadout posted 7/27/2018 14:50 PM

Thank you for the warm welcome!

Super, I am swamped at work at the moment and would have to go dig for my research. Check out PubMed. Its a database for scholarly medical research, including the field of psychology, and I think that is where I found much of what I refer to in my prior post. I recall that there was an ASD man who repeatedly approached other men for sex in public bathrooms. He was beat up multiple times, and he kept doing it. There were other young ASD men in their 20s who committed statutory rape. The reseachers concluded that it was because teen girls were actually more similar to them in terms of emotional development than women their own age. Even though they knew the consequences, they did it. They were not intellectually challenged, they just wanted to connect with someone. Another man would repeatedly move from an introduction such as "hello" to "want to have sex" in 3 or less conversation "moves." Public masturbation was a problem for some. One man had a thing for trucks or something, and he would masturbate where ever he was if he saw one.

What became very clear to me that I failed to mention earlier is that it seems these men have serious issues with controlling both impulse and compulse. Its not that it is WRONG to have these sexual feelings or urges, as we all have our "kinks" if you will. Its just that ASD men have real trouble controlling them. A non-spectrum man may get a public erection or want to have sex with a stranger, but he can control the impulse/compulse to act on it.

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 2:58 PM, July 27th (Friday)]

Willow21 posted 7/27/2018 17:09 PM

So my gut was correct. I confronted him about there being more. I watched him lie to my face, he told me this unbelievable story at first that there was only one more thing, about a girl who walked into the washroom when he was away on work and gropped him...that that was all. Ive known him for many years, through our teens, our 20s and now into our early 30s. I know when he is lying. After a few hours, he finally told me the full story. He had sex with this individual, 2 weeks before our honeymoon. So now I do feel that I know the full and true him. And now it's time to start deciding what I do from here

burn posted 7/27/2018 18:58 PM

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. The continued lies and trickle truth are agony. My WH lied about the bulk of his infidelity for 2 months after Dday (Orignally said it was one person over the past year- turned out the be 3 over 8 years plus hundreds of attempts on CL.) Learning the truth and finding out he had lied was horrible. I think one of the most important things I got from reading here on SI is that you dont have to make a decision yet. If you are sure now that you want him make him leave or want a divorce- that's fine. But if you are struggling to decide what to do, just wait and give yourself time to start healing and get past the immediate shock so you can see things a bit more clearly. You may find one day you are sure you want to Divorce and the next you want to reconcile. But there is no rule you have to decide anything now, and you can change your mind as many times as you need.

Willow21 posted 7/27/2018 19:40 PM

Thank you! I'm really glad I found this group. I don't find therapy helping me any. Reading about people who have been through and going though the same struggle, trials and success stories has been more help to me then the 6 months of therapy so far.

Maclou posted 7/28/2018 07:02 AM

Hi all,
I知 heading on an extended vacation today. I知 going to try taking a vacation from SI too as I知 spending a lot of time on here reading. Some of it has really helped but some is triggering me and I知 going to try to take a break.

However, this time last year, I left my WH and when I returned he had been unfaithful so I知 triggering a lot at the moment. He is not traveling with us but is following on in a couple of weeks.

Hopefully I will 都ee you all in September but don稚 be surprised if you see me popping up before that!
Hope that everyone stays safe and trigger free 😊

sami1234 posted 7/28/2018 07:20 AM

Willow21: So sorry to hear about this latest reveal. Yes, the trickle truth is hard. I've told my WH that what I know is horrible, but I'm sure it's the tip of the iceberg...there's a lot more where that came from. I don't know if we ever get the entire truth, not even sure that I would want it. Ugh.

All that is in the past what is happening in the present and what is he doing in the present that tells you the future will be different? IC should be helping you, maybe you need to find another IC. I have had several through the years. I just switched IC's not because mine wasn't good but I'd been with her so long I pretty much know everything she would say. I wanted to challenge myself a bit.

burn: sounds like he definitely lacks empathy. He needs to be reminded that if you can't say something nice...keep your trap shut. There are LOTS of truths that need to stay unspoken and that's not that hard to figure out.

Maclou: enjoy your time away. Maybe it be peaceful!

Bestthing posted 7/28/2018 07:50 AM


I read your post with interest as a mom of a ASD teenage boy who is negotiating romance. Like your husband, my son states he doesn稚 believe in labels and there is nothing atypical about him. The way he treats his girlfriends can be described as negligent. For him it痴 not that he is not capable of taking another痴 point of view. It痴 that he is not looking for validation from anyone and his point of view is clearly superior. I get through to him with logic. For example, i壇 Say that if he doesn稚 step up with his treatment of girlfriends and go out of his way to make them feel special, he will start attracting girls who are insecure and choose to stay in a mediocre relationships. Thus, if he doesn稚 want to deal with an insecure, clingy girlfriend, he better step up his game. Then, as you said, I have to give specific instructions of what step up means. My son also have had no treatment of ASD.

luvmykids posted 7/30/2018 14:02 PM

Are there any other BW's here who are still living with a WH who won't admit to cheating with a prostitute/ONS? My WH won't admit to his infidelity when I confronted him with the reviews/posts on an Escort website and phone records of hundreds of texts and phone calls. He claims he made up the posts and only talked to to escorts but never met them. I know that's a lie. These women don't make money only talking to men.

So I'm trying act like everything is ok because we have kids in the house and I don't want them to know what he did but I admit I'm not the loving wife I was before this happened. I'm angry about what he did and mostly because he won't admit to the truth. He will occasional ask me why I seem mad and it shocks me that he does. EVEN if he only texted, called escorts and posted on an escort site wouldn't that give me a reason to be angry? I would think so. I imagine he would be angry if I was texting other men.

So is this a way of him being in denial and rugsweeping what he did or does he just not get it? I know if I tell him why I'm angry that will probably make him angrier that I'm bringing that up. Is this being a narcissist? He never admits when he is wrong and really apologies. He gave me an angry "sorry" when I confronted him, like he was angry I looked at his computer screen when he fell asleep.

Hardroadout posted 7/30/2018 16:18 PM


Whatever you want to call it, it is wayward. Sounds like classic gaslighting and trickle truthing, as well as rugsweeping and blameshifting.

And with these glaring symptoms of waywardness, I'd bet he is still at it. Tread carefully with your eyes wide open.

TexasBroken posted 8/5/2018 17:16 PM

Hi all.
Just coming out of a heavy fog. The sadness was becoming overwhelming. About 3 weeks ago I decided to give my relationship some effort. I told him I'd go to couples therapy and actually show some effort in progress. Well this has been the hardest three weeks ever. It was easier to be mad, distant, and detached from him because I felt that he needed to "feel" my pain daily.
Therapy was a disaster and we haven't gone back since. It sent me spiraling backwards and he was asked by the therapist to leave the room. It took forever to calm me back down and I'm almost certain she was telling me to leave him or maybe that's just what I was interpreting.
Anywhoo, that's just a small snippet of my life. Sept 1 we would have made 5 years together. Would have been a grand occasion. The cheating season (winter) is approaching and I'm fighting hard to be happy lately.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me, this shyt sucks.

rebplay posted 8/7/2018 18:14 PM

Texas- what a horrible experience with the therapist; I知 so sorry. I felt like my h needed to feel my pain for a looonnnggg time too. I didn稚 think it was fair for him to get normal while I was having a hurricane inside me. Over time that has let up but even three years out, I occasional remind him even in not mean ways so he knows my interpretation or feelings about something are impacted because of the past.

Shocked123 posted 8/8/2018 07:18 AM

I'm interested in knowing a bit about your story and why you got the feeling the therapist thinks you should leave him? Is he denying his actions? Not wanting to work through the bad times together? Being insensitive?
Sorry you are going through this with such a young child, too..

TexasBroken posted 8/8/2018 20:19 PM

Hi @shocked

The therapist is a Christian therapist so she kept saying things about the Bible saying the Lord forgives divorce based on infidelity. She told me that she'd be here to help me through things if this wound is too deep to heal and continue to work things out with him. She implied more things that moved towards letting go than things pertaining to working things out. She talked about helping me get to a place where I can co-parent with him. I'm almost certain she wanted to say "leave his ass girl" but she couldn't.

When I was calm enough to speak coherently, I told her she could invite him back into the room and she still took about 5 or so minutes before she did. When he came back into the room (the last 15 minutes) she was more neutral with her language.

He was asked to leave the room because of a very triggering question she asked me. I couldn't answer. I got very choked up then became embarrassed and hyperventilating and saying I couldn't do this. I was about to walk out when she asked him to leave the room and give she and I some time to speak one on one.

He does not deny his actions. He is very supportive and understanding of the bad day....the many,many bad days. He's a poster child for a remorseful partner........sometimes it's just not enough.

IdiotMe posted 8/9/2018 17:24 PM

I just wanted to say hi to everyone before I get more in depth into this thread. Marji told me about this thread/group and I'm happy to be here. Thank you Margi!!!!

My husband has Aspergers and I recently found out he visited an Asian Exotic Massage Parlor on Saturday. I have no idea how long he's been doing this but I only had the location tracker on his phone for maybe 10 days or less and I caught him. I think he's been doing it on and off all summer for various reasons that I'll get into later.

Anyway, so much of what I have read here sounds like my husband too. (I'm only at page 1). But Burn said something about having to tell her husband to hug her or say he loves her and I do that same thing. Several years back I resorted to hugging him and saying "Honey, pretend like you love me". Pathetic, isn't it?

I'm in a "woe is me" phase so please excuse my whining at the moment. I'm not normally whiny at all.

IdiotMe posted 8/9/2018 17:26 PM

I should also say that my story is in the Just Found Out forum and is entitled "I'm not sure what to do with this". Thanks!

IdiotMe posted 8/10/2018 10:00 AM

I hate my husband right now. I just truly hate him.

He burst my bubble of what I thought our life was. I thought he was of good moral character and basically the most upstanding and decent person out there.

All lies.

IdiotMe posted 8/10/2018 10:15 AM

Tonight will be a test as well.

He is in between 24 hour shifts and is home right now sleeping. He just got off work at 8:00 am (I'm out of town at our other home)

I think he's gone to this massage place a few times this summer while I've been down here. I have my deceased mothers car at home so he uses that car to be anonymous, because his car is very well known (it has lights on it) and an identifiable license plate.

So, last weekend, he woke up later afternoon, hopped in my MOTHERS CAR (you have no idea how much that bothers me), drove 30 miles to this trash hole, and proceeded to do whatever it he pays them to do. He leaves his cellphone outside in the car. Last weekend I tired to call him and he wouldn't answer. That's VERY strange because he has his cellphone clipped to his belt and he always answers because of the nature of his job. He NEVER, EVER, EVER, leaves it in the car.

This place is right next to a sandwich place so I assumed he was having dinner though his location wasn't at the business. And he was there far too long. So I started to wonder, what the heck was he doing if he wasn't having dinner? So I looked at the GPS Live Photos of the strip mall and right there in front of me was the picture of the place where he was. I could tell his exact location because it sits between two restaurants. Fucker. (sorry)

And the rest is history. He's very methodical so tonight we'll see if my marriage is over. Because if he goes back after this past week of me confronting him, I'll know he's not capable of changing and I refuse to live my life babysitting him. And divorce will be my worst nightmare... but I have no control over his actions, just mine.

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