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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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burninghouse posted 12/24/2019 14:33 PM

I always loved the line from Miracle on 34th Street, that Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind (I looked it up the other day, apparently a variation of the quote is attributed to Calvin Coolidge). I feel like there's a lot of truth in that, what Christmas represents and the values behind its meaning we should hold in our hearts year round.

Thank you for this ShatteredSakura. This is the exact message I needed to hear today.

burninghouse posted 12/24/2019 14:38 PM

SS, Your Greek Butter Cookies sound delicious. You'll get your motivation back... or maybe in time inspiration will come for a new Christmas tradition. Wishing you and all of us here much peace.

burninghouse posted 12/24/2019 14:43 PM

(((ThisIsSoLonely))). It's such a difficult time of year for many of us. Even surrounded by well meaning people it can be incredibly lonely. Winter has a way of adding to the blues. Summer is definitely something to look forward to, new growth and warm sunny days. Here's to the rays of sunshine headed your way.

Bookgirl posted 12/24/2019 18:36 PM

Sending Christmas wishes to everybody who has helped me this year on this site. I value all your advice and encouragement and support ♥️

ShatteredSakura posted 12/24/2019 22:26 PM

ThisIsSoLonely, I like the "hatium" term. Hopium, Hatium, Unobtanium... heh

So I have some positive news, this morning I did actually get an inkling to do some baking...at least a single batch of pumpkin bread/butter cookies to bring to my parents tomorrow.

I had to run to the store to get the butter and when I came back, in the mail was my friend's Christmas card. My friend included a "lucky" 2 dollar bill I gave her years ago and what she wrote...I was touched and moved to tears.

Then I rolled up my sleeves and baked while listening to Christmas music (Sinatra + Bing Crosby + other crooner classics are the best IMO). And I decided to pack a cookie tin and a box for my dear friend, which I'll be mailing when the post office opens on the 26th. She was one of among a number of friends and family I'd mail cookie tins + pumpkin bread to.

Then I watched a Netflix Christmas movie I kept hearing about, Klaus. It's good animation, but the story was actually fairly touching - and there's a good line from it too...

"A true selfless act always sparks anotherĒ

I was named for my grandfather, who was born on Christmas Day, and we both were named for St. Nicholas aka Santa Claus. It has always been an extra special day in my life (and I'm a believer, on top of it). Today I was pushed off the proverbial cliff into the Christmas spirit and I am glad for it.

It's less than an hour to midnight...Have a Merry Christmas everyone and a good night!

burninghouse posted 12/24/2019 23:11 PM

SS, Wonderful news that your Christmas mojo is coming back :)

Merry Christmas everyone!

ShatteredSakura posted 12/26/2019 16:31 PM

I kind of want to time travel back to Christmas Eve because the day of sucked

I understood WW to be in Florida w/ her brother/mother visiting family down there, they were to fly back Christmas morning. On Saturday/Sunday she dropped hints that she was missing me and maybe she can come over Christmas day.

I was feeling the hopium maybe she's coming to her senses - but I'm such a fool, it was lie-inception...lies within lies.

It turns out, her mother decided not to go, and she went to Florida with jerkface AP (but her brother still went). And she left a lot earlier than she led me to believe - two weekends ago (I mentioned this in another thread) I had some pipe leaks at my home and I asked her to come over and help cleanup. Her ignoring me those days was because she was in Florida with jerkface and didn't want to tell me. So almost 2 weeks there rather than the 1 week. Now I know why she hadn't complained about her mother! And why she was so vague about her plane arrival time!

Who the hell texts their betrayed spouse "I miss you" while being on vacation with the affair partner??!?!

If it wasn't for her texting me last weekend, I'd have told my mom to return the gift she had gotten for WW a while ago. Instead we had it waiting for her.

The embarrassment, the humiliation, the anger...what the hell is wrong with this woman. Yesterday, before her confession about being in Florida with her AP, she was being wishy washy about coming and felt "so torn" and "so stressed out about everything". And she literally dropped it in the most cowardly way possible (hinting that there is something she's been lying that would upset me), and it took me just two guesses to get the correct answer.

She's stressed out because of her lies and her actions, she's doing it to herself. I'm the one that's alone, I'm the one that's dealing with real life, I'm the one not going on vacation and she has the nerve to talk about how she has it rough with her stress? Fucking asshole jerkwad.

I cannot wait until their relationship blows up and she falls flat on her ass, alone without her safety net (me). The AP is an old BF of hers and they had a very rocky relationship. I don't think this time it'll be any different.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 4:39 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Bookgirl posted 12/27/2019 12:07 PM

Iím so sorry to hear this SS. I hope you are feeling a bit better again today. Itís such a rollercoaster ride. The fact that you felt more positive on Christmas Eve is a hopeful sign for the future. Sending Christmas wishes to you

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 12:08 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 12/27/2019 14:42 PM

Thank you for the kind words.

Unfortunately I can't help but feel that some of my Christmas Eve positivity was colored by the hope of seeing her. I honestly can't tell. I want to say I steeled myself not expecting to see her, and I just let my guard down though.

But it does feel like another betrayal - hopefully the last one. I honestly felt better knowing she was spending time away from the AP, that maybe she would come out of the fog. Instead she spent even more time with him. I wouldnt have responded to her "I miss you's" had I known she went with him. And him basically vacationing with her family (I do not know if he saw her family down there though, so it may only be her brother), it's just twisted.

(A side note for further twistedness: her mother actually encouraged her to be with this guy, maybe not cheat but to leave me. She once asked the Rabbi's wife to convince WW not to go through with the engagement years ago too, because I'm not jewish. Her AP is. Her family and friends knew about her cheating. No one ever reached out to me ever about any of it either. Those memories still burn me up.)

The last thing I said to her over the phone was to congratulate her, that her affair has been upgraded - that shes now in a new relationship for real, one that has uncertainty attached to it. Where if it fails she will be alone and without someone to fallback on to emotionally support her.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:43 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Bookgirl posted 12/27/2019 18:37 PM

The only thing that helped me to heal was to take some control of the situation by looking at the 180 and going as much as possible no contact. I think a certain amount of acceptance can only be achieved with the distance and clarity that no contact gives you. Itís incredibly hard, but sometimes you need to think only about yourself and how you can go forward with your life. Iím so sorry you are having such a horrible time. It will get easier with time and distance x

AbandonedGuy posted 12/27/2019 22:10 PM

I seem to have experienced what people call...forgiveness? I don't know what it is. But I can now remember the good things about our relationship. I can actually remember all the things that I loved about her. I don't miss her and I'm glad I'm where I'm at today vs. the alternative, but I've released all of the negative feelings I had toward her. It certainly helped that we've had zero contact in a little over a year.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/28/2019 00:01 AM

Boy do I envy you. I'm not sure if I could ever get to the point of looking back on the good memories and not miss her.

There have been times where we went NC long enough that it started feeling less like drowning and more just treading the water. But when these relapses hit, they hit hard.

Bookgirl posted 12/28/2019 06:54 AM

Yes 👍👍👍 abandoned Guy. Iím delighted for you. Your posts have helped me so much, especially initially, so thank you.

burninghouse posted 1/2/2020 17:55 PM

That is great news AG, or I should say EF now. You give me hope for the future, that it's possible to largely or completely release the shackles of pain and step into a new and emancipated life. Your posts seem a lot lighter and freer. Happy New Year.

hopefullife posted 1/2/2020 22:51 PM

I just came back from a 2week solo holiday - survived our anniversary, Christmas, and New Year. It was great and gave me a lot of new experiences. There's something about immersing in new culture, being a stranger, that moves you. But I always knew when I come back to reality land, I might break down.

And sadly, I am. I'm supposed to get back to work today but had to take a leave. How I wish I can just sleep the entire time and only wake up for the good parts. Death (not suicidal) thoughts are back, wondering when and if the world is going to end today.

I want to move away. I feel like selling all of my possesions and just find a place far away from all this shitshow, to start over fresh and new. But of course I can't do that. Lots to take care of, and very slowly getting there

ShatteredSakura posted 1/3/2020 00:03 AM


Always tough coming back to work after a long vacation. I normally don't take the full week around new years but decided to this year. My sleeping schedule is way off now so Mondays going to be a bummer.

About a half hour ago I had a sobering moment, it's now about one full year since WW started having sex with the bastard. Unlike last year, they didn't really have any breaks...even when I found out in the latter part of 2019.

Since Christmas day I've had anxiety, dread, and longing every day. I felt all that go away when I realized it's been a year...a whole blasted year that she's had that bastard in her countless of times....and I thought she isnt worth fighting for or pining for. Literally felt the weight getting lifted off my chest. Like a warm blanket that things will be fine.

I'm sure the anxiety will be back tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'm not having a stroke or something either. I'm feeling kinda shocked right now.

hopefullife posted 1/3/2020 00:29 AM

I hear you ShatteredSakura. Glad you're having lightbulb moments which help you.

I was fortunate enough that I was able to go out of the country since prior Christmas so I wouldn't have to deal with all the reunions, reminders, and so on. But it is a temporary escape until I fully heal, and I don't know when will that be.

AbandonedGuy posted 1/3/2020 01:46 AM

I think what you're slowly discovering is a newfound sense of self worth. "I don't deserve to be treated like that, so to hell with her!" This is a huge step for all of us. It's as if we've had all of our self worth stolen from us and we have to start reconstructing it from scratch starting with whatever pieces we find lying around and using any kind of personal victories as mortar to hold it all together. It's one of the first important steps, I'd argue. Acknowledging, to yourself, that this person did you dirty and taking steps to avoid shitty behavior from them in the future. Imagine having a coworker who went behind your back to try to get you fired because they felt threatened by your mere presence. Would you want to start your own business with this person as your partner? Seems obvious that you wouldn't, but that's an easier situation because you don't have a host of brain chemicals (and perhaps a depth of shared history) tying you to them. But still, the same rules should apply, right? Someone profoundly screwed you over and you should do well to reorient yourself where they're not longer a major factor in your life. And when they're gone (or kept at maximum safe distance), it's a good thing, because that's one fewer toxic personality standing the way of your self-actualization.

I can't hammer the point home enough that so much of our own misery (all of it, perhaps) is in our heads. I don't necessarily agree with Esther Perel's whole spiel, but what I think she gets right (and what so many others get right, whether its people like us or sociologists or "true believers" applying some kind of methodology) is that we have inherent in us the power to rewrite our own personal narratives and how we speak about something directly affects how we feel about it. This fundamental trick can be used as momentum to propel yourself into the life path that you desire. There's a fine line between rewriting our narrative to adopt a positive outlook and living in full blown self delusion, so finding the healthy way to go about this takes a lot of work, but so does everything in life.

Dealing with this kind of trauma launches us into a kind of Searching Mode where we're desperately trying to solidify our identity and find our footing and answer all those painful questions, all at the same time. We try on every narrative that we think makes sense. "He/she was a narcissist." "I was a bad spouse." "We just weren't right together." Any or all of these can be right or wrong at the same time. The truth, as always, is not only somewhere in the middle, but also entirely subjective. We try out new versions of ourselves. "I'm going to avoid people who do X." "I'm going to lose weight." "I'm not going to be a pushover anymore." Some of these we can effectively implement with some practice, and some take a lot more work and so we put them on the back burner for another time.

Somewhere out there is a much better life than what we had with our exes, and certainly what we have now. It's on us to discover what exactly works for us, as individuals. Try everything because this is the time to do it. As fully formed adults, we don't always get the chance to play dress up and feel out the world like this. Incrementally move out of your comfort zone. Tackle these new scenarios in bite-sized, palatable quantities. It's like learning a language. You don't launch right into a foreign-language version of The Iliad. You've got to learn the letters, the pronunciation, greetings, etc. and build your way up to it. This shit is a LOT of work and takes up way more of your mental capacity that you'd like it to, but really it's unavoidable. We make a lot of mistakes throughout this process, and that's okay. That's how we learn. If there's any time where you can't let yourself get discouraged for failing again and again, it's now. Rome wasn't built in a day, and the same applies to our Shiny New Lives.

hopefullife posted 1/3/2020 02:13 AM

Abandonedguy, what you just said brings me so much hope and encouragement. THANK YOU. Thank you.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/3/2020 10:19 AM

Thank you AG.

BTW I woke up today still feeling it. Hopefully it lasts the weekend.

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