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ASoCalledLife

Saying and thinking your husband hates you or must hate you, when in fact he has recently told you he loves you and has given you specific reasons that do not include "hating you", Isn't helpful or useful to this situation you and your husband are dealing with.

I don't think it is constructive for you. Consider examining why you resorting to this particular thought pattern. What is the reward for thinking this way? Do you think it will make it easier to emotionally seperate from your husband and embrace writing off the marraige and further efforts to reconcile?

In some ways it over simplifies your husband and the complex turmoil of emotions and reactions that he us struggling with in all of this. Your husband's mind and emotions are at war with each other on many issues.

If you manipulate yourself to make this situation easier to cope with, some of the solutions you might resort to may not be the best or most constructive for everyone involved here. Some of your future decisions are likely to be made from a false premise. It is sorta in line with a waywards tendency to rewrite the marraige history to justify actions and behavior.

You're right.

I guess on the inside I feel like even though he says he loves me, a part of him must also hate me. Because I don't see how he couldn't. I have been the source of the greatest pain he has even known. And I was the person he trusted the most.

How do you not hate someone who has caused such devastation? Even if you still feel love for them? How can he stop himself from hating me? He can't even look at me for long.

Or maybe I am projecting my own self-hatred onto him. Idk. I'm just not in a good place. He told me to leave...he doesn't want me anymore. It hurts. I want to fight for my marriage, but how do I do that without disrespecting his explicit wishes and thus causing him more pain? How do I leave him alone and yet fight for him at the same time?

Oh God it hurts.

I agree with the previous posters, he doesn’t hate you.

Also, there are two ways to look at what he said about making it hard for him. The first is the way you interpreted it, you quitting your job will make it harder on him in divorce (perhaps financially). This is a reasonable interpretation, but not the only one. The second way to think about what he said is that you did something that made a difference to him and now he is not as certain what he wants to do (I.e., your actions had a positive impact on him). There is no way to know what he meant without talking. Perhaps your brother can ask if he meant the former or the latter, or perhaps something altogether different.

ASCL

I just read this entire thread and I am in tears. I wish I could hug you in real life. The fact that two people desperately love each other and can’t be together is the most painful, heartbreaking thing. I am so very sorry. When he called you beautiful I sobbed so loud. I hope and pray he finds a way to come back to you. Love is so hard to find in this world. You have done such and incredible amount of work on yourself and I look up to you. I also have a special needs child and that touches close to home as well. I do hope you either rescind your termination or find another job soon. You really do need money to live and take care of your son. I am rooting for you and hope the seperation brings your husband healing. Keep being there for him no matter what. I don’t think it’s over, not by a long shot. Best wishes ASCL ❤️

I havent read all your posts in other threads so maybe you have already answered this question.

When you first came here, you were very open about the fact that you were not in love with your bs and that he knew that and was okay with that

I’m quite certain that there can’t be many, if any, men who would be happy to stay with someone who has told him that she doesn’t love him and has now has sex with someone else. Someone whom you have said-I assume to him also, that the sec with ap was better. You were not ashamed to say that.

I am not trying to hand out a 2x. 4, I’m getting to my question.

I can tell by this thread, that you have, in fact, realized that you are in love with your bs.

Have you told him that you are in love with him and that you are sure of that?

The only thing I want to tell you is that your husband doesn't hate you. I don't believe that at all.

He needs to have space and time to heal. He is so incredibly hurt.

Don't give up, there is every reason to believe that you may be able to R someday. At least a 50 percent chance. And he will need to see that you stay invested throughout this separation, if you don't then he will feel as if you didn't really care.

You have created a large mountain that you now must climb. But you created it, and you can climb it.

I hope the best for your BH and for you.

Thank you to you all.

It might seem silly, but these posts help me to feel human. Less disheartened and less devoid of hope. I don’t know who I can talk to about this without making a pest of myself.

My IC (the old one, before I switched) and I explored the whole “in love” thing in several sessions. I explained to her my thoughts about love.

I know how much I loved (love) my father. I can feel it and I always have. And I could always tell that he loved me and would do anything for me. I was important to him.

I can feel my love for my brother. He is my twin and he is like the other half of me. As far back as I can recall he is part of nearly all of my fondest memories. I am certain of that love.

I can feel my love for my son. From the first moment I realized I was carrying him to the first time I felt his little fluttering movements to this very moment. My life for him is deep, powerful, strong.

I am not that close to my mother. I’ve never really been the daughter she expected and I have always felt like I was a bit of a disappointment to her. But I know she loves me and I do love her. She gave me life.

I love my husband. But I have never been all goo-goo eyed and about to swoon over him. I have never felt butterflies in my stomach and all of those things people talk about when they talk about being in love. With him I have always felt safe. Comfortable. Cared for. Desired. With him I have felt...like he’s home. I don’t know how to describe it.

My IC said that she thinks I am, and always have been, in love with him. Not that I just love him. She said that many people with autism are literal and don’t recognize things the way other people do. She said because I am so literal I was expecting to actually feel all of these ultra romantic lovey-dovey feelings and since I did not, I assumen I wasn’t in love. She said the way I think can sometimes be concrete and that being in love varies from relationship to relationship and can present itself a multitude of ways.

For example, when I read that joke about where was the Declaration of Independence signed, I didn’t get it. I was confused because of course it was signed at the bottom; that’s where signatures are usually placed. It took me several hours to understand that it was a joke about geographic location (city), not the portion of the document where the signatures were.

My (old) IC said that in her opinion I am in love with him, and I just assumed it was just “love” and not being “in love” because it wasn’t as apparent to me as the love I have for my family members. But that it isn’t less than that love. Just a different type.

I have not told him the words, “I am in love with you.” He and I don’t really talk like that to one another. And I don’t know what it would help.

But yes. I love him. I love him so much, and I still want to be his wife if he will let me. The wife he deserves. I don’t want it to be over. But I know it’s not my decision to make. I have to respect what he wants. But I am not going to give up on trying to show him if he decides to give me another chance, he will never regret it a day in his life. I will shower him with love every day. In whatever way he needs. If he will allow me.

My suggestion is that you do tell him "I am in love with you". It may make a world of difference.

Has your IC considered that you aren't having those feeling because maybe you are scared of being vulnerable with him, while not your immediate family?

I believe it would do a lot of good for you to show him your vulnerability and tell him exactly how you feel about him. That is my opinion......even if you both have never talked to each other like that before. He wasn't betrayed before.

Being betrayed hurts more than anything I have ever felt, and it sounds like he feels the same. His world has been turned upside down and he doesn't know what is up or down. I can't imagine that you telling him that you are in love with him will make things worse. It may very well give him something to hold on to in the M. Just my 2 cents.

If you find it uncomfortable to say to him, I would be asking why its uncomfortable.

Thank you for sharing your story and an update. I really moved me to tears because I can feel your pain and also your husbands pain.

I am so glad you have someplace safe to stay and it seems like you have family around you.

Try not to go to a dark place. When you feel like you are spiraling, stay strong by thinking about what kind of mom your son needs. I am thinking of you, keep us updated.

(ASCL)

Reading your update was heartbreaking. I wish that there was more I could do to help you. I know how you feel and I know that there is nothing any of us can say or do that will help.

Tell him that you love him, tell him how you feel and always have felt. If nothing else, you will know in your heart that you told him and that he knows. If may change nothing, it may change everything. But no matter what - you were authentic and honest with him.

I am praying for you

What does 'hate' mean to you?

My W used to think I hated her, because, she says, if someone destroyed her world, she'd hate that person.

To her, 'hate' means 'want to hurt and even to kill'.

But except for a few minutes at a time here and there over the first 15 months, I didn't hate her. I did look for a way to punish her for about 2 years - but I never found a way to do that without hurting myself at the same time. (For example, D would hurt her tremendously, but D would make me hurt terribly, too.)

So maybe you're projecting your own idea of hate onto your H. I'll tell you, my W's projecting her ideas onto me really pissed me off, and really made me wonder if R would succeed.

I urge you to check this sort of stuff out with your H. I cannot urge you too much to ask him if he hates you.

***********************

In love ... I used to think I was way more in love with my W than she was with me. Starting shortly before d-day, I changed that - I began to think she was in love with me as much as she could be in love.

****************************

I wish you the best. I hope you get your old job back.

With him I have always felt safe. Comfortable. Cared for. Desired. With him I have felt...like he’s home.

That is a perfect example of what being in love is. In my mind this is a perfect description.

That’s exactly what love is. What ascl describes as thinking I’m in love is actually limerence. It’s the new butterfly in the tummy feeling you get with someone new.

Being in love is feeling like that person is home, someone you can count on, someone you feel comfortable with and can talk freely with. Someone you want to have beside you forever.

The funny feelings, butterflies in tummy etc cannot last in real life. That kind of live, long term only exists in fairy tales.

Tonight I get to see my son for the first time in eight days. I have talked to him every day. But that’s not the same as being in the same house with him every day like I’m used to...taking care of his needs, being with him. It has been very painful. But I have kept up a good front. My son hasn’t asked a whole lot of questions. Since all of this coincided with his holiday break from school I think he views this separation as temporary. He seems to be having a good time with his dad. They have done a lot of things together over the past week. They really needed an opportunity to reconnect as father and son, so I’m glad for them...yet I’m also so sad.

My son mentioned on a few of our phone calls that they have been eating out a lot (my husband doesn’t really know how to cook). So when not on SI today I have been in the kitchen nearly all day cooking. Years ago when my husband and I were in the early stages of our marriage I asked my mother in law to help me learn how to prepare Indian food as I know my husband really missed it. Not trying to brag but over the years I’ve worked hard to do a good job at cooking these meals and my husband loves my cooking. So I have made him several meals and placed them in containers that he can take home. I hope he won’t refuse them. The thought of my husband and my son eating fast food for days on end when I’m available to cook for them both saddens me. I hope he will take the food.

I’m excited to spend time with my son. But I’m so nervous to see my husband. I keep changing clothes. Even though it’s just a child transfer; he’s not coming for the purpose of talking with me. But I guess I just want him to see me trying to look nice for him. Maybe he will notice.

Other than that, no change. I have filled out some job applications online. Hopefully someone might call me for an interview at some point. I guess it’s slow with the holidays.

ASCL

Is there any way to get your old job back? Was it something your husband really wanted ie did the OM still work there?

ASCL...

I've followed your story from the beginning and I've really felt for you.

I've held off on posting until now bc I didn't want what I'm going to ask you to come off as a 2x4. But after your most recent post, I feel compelled to finally ask:

Are you sure this wasn't an exit affair that you got cold feet on after it was started? I ask bc after you had sex with the OM the 1st time, you said you immediately regretted it, but yet you stayed for an all day sex fest. Add to that telling your H how he has never pleased you like the OM. And then when he does try to"reclaim" you, you stay crying....those things don't sound like a WW that wants to reconcile. Are you sure you just don't have cold feet bc you want to stay with what's known and comfortable?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:45 PM, December 23rd (Saturday)]

ff, it might be possible that I could get my old job back. They have contacted me a few times to ask if I was sure about my decision. I’m going to miss my clients a lot. But I just can’t go back. The main reason is because my husband explicitly asked me to quit months and months ago and I defied him because I was scared to make a change. I need to show him that it might be late, but I respect his wishes.

But as a secondary reason, I also want to stay away from the job for me tooIt’s only been a few days since I left, but I feel like my anxiety has decreased. Like as if I can breathe. No more looking over my shoulder or feeling frightened. I would rather flip burgers or mop floors even though it’s a huge reduction in pay than go back to what I experienced there.

Golden R, please give me a moment for your reply. I want to press send on this one and then double check my phone again to make sure I didn’t miss a call or text from my husband. He’s 30 minutes late, which is not like him...

He’s still not here yet. :(

Golden R, I do not believe it was an exit affair. I think part of the problem is the way I have communicated things. I consider myself as having had sex with the AP one time. To me, how many different sex acts happen in one time span don’t equate to multiple times. Maybe the way I describe it is confusing. But I’m thinking back to the early days of my marriage when my husband and I were a lot more adventurous sexually.

Not to be too graphic, but one night of passion with my husband and I when we were first married might consist of me going down on him, then him going down on me, then vaginal sex, then maybe him using a toy on me for fun, then me giving him a hand job and when he got close letting him finish in my mouth. And if he was able to get another erection, maybe vaginal sex again. (We haven’t done anything like that in years and years, but that’s how it used to be.) I certainly wouldn’t consider that as my husband and I having sex 6-7 times that one night! It was all in the same period of time (that night), so I would consider all of those things to be different components of one sex act. I would consider us as having had sex once.

The same for the AP. It was at the very end of everything that I immediately felt sickened by what I did, dressed and left. Not after the first sex act. Not saying that such feelings weren’t there, but perhaps subconsciously I suppressed them. I don’t think I could have continued if I felt even a fraction of what I felt once it all hit me. I couldn’t even look at him (the AP, who was laying there nude while I dressed), much less consider touching him again or allowing him to touch me. That ship had sailed.

I did cry when my husband attempted reclaiming. But it’s because I was so grateful and so moved. He invited me into the bedroom (since D-Day the living room has become my bedroom; he isn’t comfortable sharing a room with me). He kissed me and told me he missed being with me. Then he gently disrobed me, began to caress me, and we started making love.

I got emotional because he never does that anymore. Since D-Day our sex life, when it exists, has been...weird. He doesn’t like to look me in the face. He doesn’t really want to touch me or want to feel my body against his. It just feels like he just wants to get off. Like a release. Like as if he’s masturbating, but within me. And he seems angry at himself for wanting to be with me sexually.

This time wasn’t like that. He was tender, almost loving. Like he used to be. I didn’t feel like he viewed me as just some hole. I felt like he was making love to me again as if I was his wife...and it overwhelmed me. I started to cry. But he misinterpreted the tears, became hurt and angry, and got up before he was finished. I tried to explain the tears, but he asked me to leave the bedroom.

I did tell my husband the sex with the AP was better. But only because he asked me. He asked graphic, minute details about every single part of the sexual encounter. Down to penis size and breadth; down to the approximate length of each act...he wanted to know everything. He wouldn’t settle for vague answers; he said he needed me to be thorough. Everything I read on SI echoed in my mind,” No trickle truth. Tell them the truth. Even if it hurts. Don’t lie; don’t minimize.”

In all these other people’s situations it seems spilling the truth helped them proceed toward R. In my case I was honest like everyone says you’re supposed to be, and it just made things worse. It makes me sad. I truly don’t know why he cares if someone’s penis is bigger than his or can last longer sexually. But he does care, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t understand it. But I don’t know how else I could have handled it unless I lied to him...and I am the world’s worst liar. A toddler could catch me in a lie, which is why aside from the fact that I value honesty I typically don’t even bother to lie.

He’s now almost an hour late. Is it being a pest if I call or text him to see what the delay is? Maybe he had a flat tire or something? Maybe he is sick?

Something must be wrong. He’s a very punctual guy. I’m going to reach out to him.

I truly don’t know why he cares if someone’s penis is bigger than his or can last longer sexually.

It matters to him bc he doesn't want you to have sex with him and then be thinking to yourself that you wish you were with AP instead bc he's better. That's how guy's minds work.