SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just wanted to give you a story about how (as a BS) I told my fWH that I too wanted a divorce.

One night, after Dday, we were writing each other emails. He from the guest room and I from the bedroom. I wrote that I wished I had never met or married him and that I wanted a divorce. In truth, I didn't really want a divorce but my pain wanted it. AND it's not just men that feel disrespected by the sex aspect, I couldn't get over that either. That has hurt me more than anything!

Anyway, I didn't know it but that night he took a gun into the woods and planned on killing himself.

But as he contemplated it, with the gun in his hands, he realized that it would do far more harm and pain to us than the original infidelity. So he came home and put away all thoughts of suicide.

The next day he told me that if I divorced him he would accept it and not fight it..however he said that he would remain unattached and pray that he would be able to, someday in the future, date me and marry me again. He said he would devote his life to me, even if we were divorced. He would take care of me and our son and he would live in a shack if he had to and spend all his time trying to make up somehow for what he had done.

I didn't react much to what he said, but I knew he meant it. It made a difference to me, to my plans.

I wound up withdrawing my request for divorce.

I also want to say, the only thing that really seemed to help me with the torture of mind movies (besides my faith and prayer) was getting EMDR therapy for my PSTD. I needed that! The mind movies and "sex" aspect was literally killing me.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this helps you. I feel your husbands pain deeply. I hope someday he lets you show him your remorse and perhaps can give you another chance.

It goes without saying that you matter. You truly matter: to your son and to your husband, though his pain does not allow him to see it right now. When you said you would do anything for him and he said, "no you wont", have you ever asked him what does he want you to do? Give you a list of things he wants to see done by you?

I just want to add, I am not sure when your DDay was but mine was in March and I probably can't count how many times my BH has asked for a divorce, most recently as last week. But it is the up and down of emotions, the rollercoaster and possible triggers, could something have triggered him?

I try to stay calm, give him space and then talk to him about WHY he is saying those words to me. With the full understanding that if that is what he wants, I've told myself I won't stand in his way. Which also means not making him feel guilty or wrong in his decision.

All though his words are hurtful, he is hurting from actual pain inside him. If you can tap into that pain and help him figure out how to ease it, it may be enough to survive this dip in the rollercoaster. You obviously mean something to him. Please keep us posted.

I already did it.

I emailed HR hours ago and gave my notice -effective two weeks from now. But I’m not going back. My winter break atarts on Monday and lasts until the New Year. I had already planned over a month ago to be off today to help volunteer at my son’s school for the holiday play and end of semester party.

I thought I was doing something good.

I don’t know if I can take it back.

I was going to tell my husband about it tonight. I thought he would be happy that I put his needs first even if it is late.

Now I feel so discouraged. Like maybe I made a mistake. I appreciate you all giving me your honest opinions. I just didn’t think of it that way. That he might think I’m trying to manipulate him. I’m not. But I csn see how it could look that way I guess.

I’m desperate. I just want to fix my marriage. I don’t want him to hate me. I want to go back to the way things were.

I feel so hopeless. I tried to do something for him that was loving and selfless and demonstrated how important he is to me, but I probably just messed everything up again. I have the reverse Midas touch...everything I touch I destroy.

I just want him to love me again and give me another chance. I won’t take it for granted. I want to fix what I did to him, how I hurt him.

I know things can never go back to the way things were and I can never fix it. But I want to. I need to. I’m not making any sense I know. I think I’m losing it...I’m supposed to move to my brother’s tonight. This was my chance. I guess I blew it.

I don’t know your story, but if what was written above about your boss sexually assaulting you is true, then you did the right thing. Don’t go back. Put your energy into finding another job where you are safe. Take care.

[This message edited by Marcy70 at 12:02 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

ASCL, take a breather and don’t do anything else at this point. Talk to your husband tonight and let him know what has transpired. Gauge his reaction and react accordingly. You may need to rescind your resignation, but if you are in good standing at work I doubt that will be a problem. Take the time to gather more info from your H before you make your next move.

Editted because phone screens are small and prone to typos with my fat fingers.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 12:25 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

Are you willing to accept the premise that no matter what you do he's still going to be devastated by the sex? This being the case, even if you can convince him to stay and keep trying R he's going to suffer immensely from the mind-movies and intrusive thoughts that make him say nasty things to you. He will need IC and MC plus a lot of internal motivation & dedication to honestly face the sex part and be able to resolve it and, of course, he might never get there. This will be unbelievably difficult and perhaps continuing to try R might just be prolonging the agony for both of you.

I do accept that you are very remorseful and are now ready to love him and try to make up for what you did. You can't, but I accept that this is what you want and believe you would do anything to help him heal. The problem is you are seeing this from your female point of view and are somewhat confounded that he is so hung up on the sex. Again, I would urge you to accept that he's simply one of a large percentage of men who reach this same wall. He loves you, he wants you, he probably believes that it's unlikely you will ever cheat again, but it's the sex that continues to torture him so none of these other things matter. The sex trumps all.

I am a BH and am also one for whom the sex is all that really matters to me. I've never read or heard of or seen a case where a BH like yours didn't either divorce or live unhappily ever after. I'd like to help you if I can because it would be wonderful to find even one path to true reconciliation from where you two are right now.

You seem to have embraced the "desperate times call for desperate measures" attitude by quitting your job. Others have criticized you (sort of) but I applaud you because at least you are trying to shake his emotional tree and see if something good falls out. I mean, what have you got to lose? If this has virtually no affect on BH or his plans, I think your next step could be something like "ok - I give up. Let's get this divorce over as soon as possible" then start aggressively moving toward life-after-him. When you do this he's going to be faced with the reality of living without you. That is a scary proposition for all men and it takes a good deal of courage (or hate or anger or contempt) to follow through. When you do this with an attitude that says "I'm giving you what you want" then he has to take complete responsibility for breaking up your marriage and family. Maybe he's already thought this through and is absolutely going to divorce you and nothing will stand in his way, but getting to that place is a difficult, complicated path. Maybe he hasn't really thought through the issues he will face on the other side of divorce. Again, desperate times call for desperate measures so this might be a last-ditch sort of thing but it's something for you to consider.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:00 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

One wishes that you hadn't been as forthcoming with him as you were. I went back on your posting history, and on Dday, you admitted that the sex was better,and that you did not love your BH as much as he loved you. Wow. That is a tough one to survive. I do not know if I could come back from that. So, you having sex with someone who was considered "safe", added to you telling your BH that the sex was better, added to the overall, that you loved him less than he loved you. I can't 2x4 you as you've done a damn good job of doing that to yourself. I just think that you have one hell of an uphill climb. Damn, I was the wayward, and I knew that if I told my wife that ANYTHING with the AP was superior, then the chances of a reconciliation would have been impossible. Yes, quitting the job is a step in the right direction. Wonder if it is enough.

I feel bad because my WW is in the same position as you. Desperate and willing to anything to make up for the worst betrayal your life partner can make. In my case my WW denied sex to me and had nearly daily sex with OM at her office and in my house.

The mind movies lasted months. I did some radical things to overcome them just to last this long with my WW. I'm prepared to D but am willing to just separate for a few months until I figure out my plans. My opinion of her and her character is forever changed. I do still love her but it's not with my full heart. Her quitting her job was one of 10 different bare minimum things she could have done just to prolong the D. We are slowly reconnecting but I'm honestly about to give up. I don't have any kids and am only 36 so I can love again if I so choose.

What you need to do is erase every memory of you AP and try to anything and everything that your husband asks of you. If he wants sex, you better be giving it. I've been hysterical bonding for 10 months now and don't see that stopping. I was denied that for so long that I feel like I have years to make up for. You need to do whatever it takes to help heal your husbands broken heart.

One wishes that you hadn't been as forthcoming with him as you were. I went back on your posting history, and on Dday, you admitted that the sex was better,and that you did not love your BH as much as he loved you. Wow. That is a tough one to survive. I do not know if I could come back from that.

If it's true, it has to be said. How on earth can you hope to heal with something like that left unsaid? It means that both partners have to try harder to make the other their "best ever". I would never forgive my W or expect her to forgive me if I lied about something like that and took it to my grave. It's too important to me, if it's not the "best" with me, we'll work on it until it is. Unless it's just a pure "size thing", there's no reason you can't have the "best sex ever" with your AP and then have sex that makes that look boring with your H (assuming you still love him and he you) or vice versa.

Yes, I'm sure this hurt badly. But, the truth matters people, maybe he feels he's had better sex with other people too (frankly, he probably has) but would love you to be the "best" for him too? It's plausible/possible that's actually the case, but, in no way do I think "lie about it" is the right answer. I applaud you for what you did and I'm sure, deep down, your husband is grateful, even if you do D.

You had sex with another man

You did not love your BH as much as he loved you.

I hope you too can find someone to be "in love" with. You too are presently in a fog due to negatively impacting the two people you love the most, your husband and son. Hopefully your faith will enable the sun to burn off the fog that envelopes you and find in another person, what you weren't able to find for your husband. It's possible this was an underlying factor that led to your infidelity moment. The act itself may have been just been the result of what wasn't there and it came to a head.

Devote your life to helping him heal, by conceding the divorce, which means you aren't married to him, but not necessarily out of his life. My hope is that he allows you to stay in his life to some degree, considering the death sentence he's been served. The death sentence without parole is in bold above. There is simply no recovery from this. I'll leave it at that. No sense is rubbing it in. You can visually see the physiological devastation it has caused. As a man myself, I fully understand it. What you have yet to witness is how this experience will shape the rest of his life. His letter to you is actually a transcript of a mind movie that will run in perpetuity. Specifically, it's an x-rated film featuring his wife as co-star. For him, it's a horror movie that's not a dream, but a reality.

You can reshape your life by dedicating yourself to reshaping his. My wish is that he can believe in people once again and someone can fall in love with him, as he did with you. Allow this to be your goal. It's a selfless, but noble one. Just focus on regaining his mental stability and esteem. Per your words, he hasn't been the recipient of you being in love with him. There's no shame you should burden yourself concerning this, but by the same token, any married person deserves to receive this. Should he one day receive this, it will partly mend his fractured heart and emotional instability more than clinical therapy or drugs can. However, it's possible your removal from his life is part of the curing of it. Sometimes, permanent or prolonged absence is required for some recovery momentum to happen.

I recommend immediately rebounding, healing yourself and begin your post divorced life, which which in time should be someone you can be in love with. With it will come the fire you felt with your confidant momentarily. Passion sometimes evolves from being in love. Perhaps, subconsciously you were vulnerable to your encounter because of not having been "in love" in the first place. If so, your confidant (I refuse to say pastor) read you and saw signals you were conquerable. Regardless of position, rank and otherwise, men have a sense when women are vulnerable and some instinctively go in for the kill. I know it. Every man knows it. When a bear smells the aroma of something cooking, he follows the scent because it leads to food that he will eat.

Men detect female vulnerability and knows sex is there to be had. Once recognized, a man contemplates what is he going to do, the right thing or the lust driven thing. This changes also, in that he will do the right thing for weeks, months or years, but at certain times on certain days, he too is vulnerable and tempted to pursue what's available. When men see sex as a possibility, all types of compromises and justifications are conjured up. It all comes down however to achieving the simple physical pleasure of sex. Being a confidant is actually the playbook for many men. I hate to say that, but it's the truth.

[This message edited by Jorge at 6:20 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

If I were in your husband's shoes, I think I would have wanted you to do whatever you could to take that charismatic lying marriage defiling blasphemous monster of an employer down and down hard.

Not that you are wired that way yourself, but that monster cuckolded your husband in a VERY real way as far as challenging him and trying his hand at having you for his own mistress is concerned.

I know you managed to physically fend off his rape-style assault of you and your marriage-integrity, but you're not a man. If a man attacks or rapes my wife or children, I'm a failure if I don't defend them or at LEAST expose the monster from further assaults upon innocent women and children.

Your deciding against his judgement as to how that situation should have been handled was a very real blow to him and his sense of manhood and responsibility.

Additionally, it can be very emasculating to a man to know that not only his wife esteems her own judgment to be superior to his in such matters, but also to know that you were the primary provider and not only THAT, but that he is "beholden" (owing) and consequently underneath that monster in a sense for the provision that his family is enjoying the benefits of.

Kinda like that movie where the charismatic (Robert Redford?) multi-millionaire offers a million dollars to the couple if they'll just consent to letting him commit adultery with the wife.

That first blow or rather continued series of ongoing blows was prior to and still ongoing to your husband's mind and heart at the same time you had your ONS.

I think anything you can do to honor your husband there and disarm or help him to disarm that monster is a good and helpful thing. Not only for your husband's sake but for your own and the rest of the world that watches him and supports his " habits" of preying on women and unsuspecting families in the name of Christ who actually HATES such abominations.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:15 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

Jorge,

From the Guidelines:

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Asocalledlife

I too heard similar wards from my WW;

OM3 was bigger than me, lasted longer than me. She believed that the sex with him was the "best ever". She faked her orgasms with me but he made her orgasm. She has admitted that she didn't love me anywhere near how much i loved her.

We are still together 4 years later.

However......

This is one of the rare occasions that I honestly don't know whether I am rooting for someone on here to either D or R.

On the one hand I know that even after hearing such soul destroying words it is possible to have a better marriage.....

On the other hand, this is my life now;

I think about those words every day. Yes, e v e r y. s i n g l e. d a y. Every day for the last FOUR years.

Every time I look in the mirror an see my "junk" I feel shame about my size. Only this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror an had to look away.

Every time we have sex I question her whether I was good enough.

Every day I hear the words she said to him. The "Oooh SHIT!!!"that she groaned as he entered her, the "I could REALLY get used to this" she said to him as they were banging away on the floor.

And the mind movies, the betrayal Etc etc etc.

It never goes away.

Usually I hope for couples I read on here to reconcile. Especially when a WW such as yourself seems to get it.

But I wouldnt wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy ( well, there is one.......).

Unfortunately I am not strong enough to divorce. On dday I made a promise to myself that I would never let my kids lives be ruined by my WW shitty actions.

And I don't break my promises.

If your BH is strong enough to divorce please help him through it. Do all that you can to ease his pain.

If you R please be totally and completely sure that you love him. Really love him. You will both need more strength than you could possibly imagine.

I wish you both happiness in the future.

I live in hope that one day I can be truly happy again. But I just dont know.......

As far as i can tell, great sex is more about the heart and mind and skill of the people involved than just about size and" experience" per se.

A man and woman can learn new ropes...new moves...new ways to " dance". Mostly, it just takes mutual respect, honesty, communication, "practice" and experimentation, and sensitivity towards one another and what really " works".

Some people are experienced " dancers" and know all the right moves that push a person's particular buttons...But that CAN usually be learned and/or taught if both sides are willing to go there.

I think a lot of it is in the mind. Some people can get practically all the way there with just flirting and emotional " preparation" even before getting really physically involved/intense.

Learning and exploring those options together is much of the mystery and fun of being sexual in my opinion, although in this particular context it may well be more pain than pleasure-inducing due to the reason for the new goal or drive to attain such skills.

I'm so sorry. Anybody that makes it to this site and does the work, like you have been trying to do, it's heart breaking.

I'm always praying that the M can be saved.

I'll be praying for y'all too.

There is probably one person on here that you shouldn't listen to. I'm beginning to wonder if he is your xAP trolling around. He seems awfully interested in convincing you that your marriage is over and I believe in one post suggesting you could find happiness back with your former AP. I may be assuming here but are you a Christian? I think you mentioned you were part of a women's group. Call them. Start them praying for you.

[This message edited by nscale56 at 6:14 PM, December 16th (Saturday)]

Your life and marriage are not over yet. I don't know how many times I told my wife that I wanted out, had enough, divorce (I was the BS). Well 38 years later I'm still with her.

Also how can you be kicked out of your home? It's your house also. Give it time then go back home. You do deserve a second chance.

I'd like to end with a lighter note to hopefully put a little smile on you face.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed.

AT THE BOTTEM.

[This message edited by nscale56 at 6:18 PM, December 16th (Saturday)]

If it’s okay, I’m ready now to talk about what happened.

Early evening on Friday my son’s school had their annual winter play. I had been up at the school since the daytime volunteering so my husband brought me a change of clothes. Everyone was there - my husband, my brother, my mother and her new boyfriend (yuck), several members of my husband’s family.

In the past the OM would have been there too. But now he is not welcome to attend anything or even be in our presence.

We were all so proud. My son has special needs, so being able to participate in a school play is monumental. He has never been part of it before, and with everything that has been going on this year, it’s surprising he could now. I was in my usual spot where the fine arts teacher placed me backstage just in case something went wrong and he needed help. But nothing went wrong. He did FANTASTIC. Even though his part was a small one, as far as we were concerned, he was the star of the show.

It was such a joyous event. Yet lurking in the back of my mind was dread, as that night I was supposed to leave my family.

(Interjecting for a moment to share something my IC told me. She said that sometimes when I talk about things it seems hollow and detached. Almost like I’m a narrator instead of the person who lived it. She said she believes it’s an unhealthy protective coping mechanism and I have to break away from it. That I’m not a passive observer of my own life but an active participant in it, including past events. That I need to be IN those moments when I talk about them. Allow myself to feel, even if it’s painful. Connect with what happened and not disassociate from it. I wonder which one I’m doing now.)

My husband had arranged for our son to go with my in laws for some celebratory ice cream after the play. That would give me time to pack up some of my belongings without my son there and put them in my car before he returned. That would make the goodbye less painful, we thought.

When I got home my husband was already there. He had a box at his feet and had already started to pack some things for me. He turned and asked me if it was okay if he helped me. I said yes. He said he wasn’t trying to hurt me by telling me to leave. I told him that I knew that.

We packed silently for a few minutes. Then he stopped and turned to me. “Did you see our boy tonight?” he asked. His eyes were shiny and his voice thick with emotion; he was smiling, but it was a sad smile. “Did you see how great he did? I wish he could see himself like I see him. That he wouldn’t doubt. He can do anything...”

He stopped mid-sentence because he got emotional. I could tell he was holding back tears. I couldn’t hold mine back. He took my hand in his. I squeezed his hand and used my other hand to wipe my tears away. I tried to smile at him, but my lips were quivering. He looked at me. “You’re so beautiful,” he said to me. “You have always been so beautiful to me.”

I gathered my courage and I said in a low voice that I had something important that I needed to tell him. He stiffened, dropped my hand, and stood up. He walked across the room and leaned his forehead against the wall. He let out a strange half-laugh. Then he turned around and looked at me. “Let me guess. You fucked him again.”

I was shocked. “No!” I shrieked. I stood up too. “No! I haven’t talked to him, haven’t seen him. Don’t want to see him. I quit my job, that’s all. I quit like you wanted me to. I haven’t slept with anybody!”

He looked at me and then he looked away. He was quiet for a long time. Then he slumped a little against the wall. “What...when...” he said. Then he turned his head a little to the side and said something like why are you making this harder for me. His tone was lowered and I couldn’t make out the right words. I told him I would do anything to make us work. He said please leave.

I said that our son wasn’t back yet. That I hadn’t told him goodbye. He said you can call him tomorrow. I can’t do this. I need you to leave now.

We put on our shoes silently and walked outside. He carried the box to my car, dumped it in the backseat, and went back in the house without looking at me. I got in the car and drove to my brother’s house. I cried the whole way.

And I have been just laying in the bed here at my brother’s house since then. I talked to my son on the phone yesterday. I pray I will talk to him again on the phone today. I have not talked to my husband. My brother said he is going to call him today, but I don’t know what he plans to say to him.

Thank you all for your posts. I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone. Other than my brother and the phone calls from my son, SI is my only human interaction.

It hurts so badly.

He must hate me.

For what it's worth his behavior doesn't read like hate at all.

It reads awareness of the cause of his continued pain, and a resolve to remedy the situation in an adult fashion.

I'm glad he is being upfront, and considerate of you on this step. If he hated you he wouldn't see you as beautiful, or have considered what you said about quitting the job. I don't know your story, but it sounds a bit like that ship might have sailed. [FWIW, My daughters are beautiful. They both look exactly like my Ex, who is ugly.]

I think the odds are good you both can become good coparents to your son. That being said, you ought to consult with an attorney ASAP to know your rights are and how best to proceed. For instance, moving out might be seen as abandonment.