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He told me that he wants a divorce.

He said he loves me, still. But he cannot get past the sex. He has been in IC and he believes that I was acting uncharacteristically due to trauma. He said he believes in his heart that under normal circumstances and in the right mindset I would have never done this. He said a million polygraphs wouldn't be more convincing than the truth his sees in my eyes.

But he said every time he touches me he is consumed with thoughts of the OM having also touched me. That the thought that I had sex with the OM haunts him. That he knows I am sorry and would never do it again, but he cannot live with this any longer.

He wants me to move out and go live with my brother until I get my own place. He said he wants primary custody of our son but he might consider 50/50. He said I should call our son's therapist for guidance on how to break the news to him. That he knows it will be hard on our son, but that together we will support him. He said he used to want primary custody to hurt me, but that's not the reason any longer. He said a boy needs his father to teach him to be a man. That he knows I am a good mother and that he will make sure my son and I still have a strong bond.

If not for the emotional damage it would cause to my son, my life could just end tonight. I could just go to sleep and never wake up again. I guess this is what I deserve. My parents raised me right, but somehow I threw away my entire life to become nothing but an empty whore. A whore who has nothing left.

It's over.

Merry Christmas.

(((ASoCalledLife)))

So sorry that you are struggling.

Big hugs.

Oh ASoCalledLife,

I am so sorry to hear this. I know you are in so much pain right now it must seem unbearable and that nothing will ever be okay ever again. My heart hurts for you.

You are not a whore. You're a human being. You are flawed, as we all are. And you are worthy of love and connection and belonging. This isn't the outcome you wanted but it is not the end of everything. Don't give up on you.

Although nothing anyone can say right now will make things hurt less, hold on to the idea that you will not always feel this way. You will grieve your marriage and the future as you hoped it would be but a new future will unfold and life can take the most unexpected turns. So if you can don't live in the wreckage of your future or the regrets of your past. Stay with your feelings in the present moment and give yourself a chance to feel them and then let them go as each one passes through you.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Reach out to the people in your life who can support you in an understanding and wholesome way. Lean on us here at SI. We are your brethren.

Holding you in my heart,

An EvolvingSoul

ASCL- sorry you are in this pain. Even though i hates what my exw did, years later i am capable of compassion enough to know that she hurt too.. and in the long run, maybe even more knowing that she gave away the best thing that she had. I am sure you feel the same, and i do see some remorse in you.

Unfortunately, it’s just a fact of life that men struggle immensely with the sex aspect of infidelity. It may help you to know that he probably does still love you like all hell. But as a man, he can’t look himself in the mirror with self respect knowing he stayed with a woman who sexually cuckolded him.

Here is the silver lining if there is one. With divorce, you are giving him a chance at true happiness in the future. You may have devastated him, but if he moves on and finds love again You can know that granting him an easy divorce was a final gift you could bestowed him, and you can take pride in making amends. You know now that the OM isn’t worth breathing the same air as your husband, and i am sure this is a lesson you will carry for life, and you will find love again too. Things will get better, time does heal. Learn to forgive yourself, and be grateful that your husband has a chance to be happy again, as do you, albeit not the way you had hoped.

And side note, i am not typically very sympathetic to wayward s, but their are a few here that i believe truly are worth redemption, and you are one of them.

Please don’t fight your H, or try to take him financially, in this time of pain, give him the gift of selflessness, he will appreciate it, and you will be happy you did it down the road.

I have been crying into my glass tonight. I will shed a tear for you as well. No one wishes for the end of a family.

Know that I am praying that there may be strength and healing yet for you. But even if...

Please give him time.

I have had so many nights where he is... And yet I come back every time to my WW knowing that she is the only person that I can love in the way I need to love.

It hurts, so bad- but I know I'll never be happy the way I was with her ever again.

And that's what keeps me going every day. Just know that every day is a new day to your BH and that he will continue to evolve and grow just like you are doing. And that he may possibly see his way through it, although he may not...

Either he's worth it or he's not. That is your decision.

I wish you strength in this difficult time.

I'm deeply sympathetic for you. I read your initial post to help me understand the totality of your loss and I get it. In the original post you were quite clear of loving your husband, but not being in love with him, and characterized your relationship and marriage as one void of romance.

Everyone is deserved of having the feelings that you had for your AP. It sounded as if it was not a fantasy AP, but a genuine attraction that was leading to a romantic love. I greatly apologize if I'm missing something here, but may this not be an opportunity to live and experience being in love? I greatly admire the protection for your husband, but perhaps in time you can revisit your affair partner and make him a permanent one that will allow you to pick up and fall in love with.

It's not your fault or your husband's that you were never in love with him and perhaps that had a little to do with the affair in the first place. Not an excuse, just some reasoning here. Anyway, I so hope living a life in which you can fall in love finds you. The relationship you had with a special friend has ended, opening the door to something perhaps even better. Please allow yourself this chance.

ASoCalledLife , you matter

I am a BH and I think that I would have made the exact decision that your husband seems to have made, had I have been in his position.

For me, I have never gotten over the fact another man had penetrated my wife and worse, was seemingly able to please my XWW sexually in ways that I never could. That is crushing for a man, and so I think that despite the hurt you are feeling right now, in time you might come to see this as the best decision for both of you. Do you want to be in a marriage with a man who always sees himself as second best? As inadequate? For the rest of your married life together.

You might again find happiness in a relationship that will not have that insurmountable obstacle that will never allow either of you to be fully happy in this one.

I am finding happiness again in a new life and I am beginning to see some green shoots of that for my XWW now as well.

My hope for you and your BH is that you will find this too.

You have to know ASoCalledLife that, if I, as a complete stranger and a BH, care enough to be interested in you and your story, then that has to mean that YOU MATTER ASoCalledLife

Sometimes in their pain when they feel they cannot take it anymore and the only seemingly way out of that pain is to remove the source, you will hear "I want out, I want a divorce"

I can't imagine being or feeling trapped in that kind of anguish. It's a living nightmare, you can't wake yourself from.

Every time I heard it, it brought me to my knees and knocked the breath from me. For his pain and mine.

Did you catch the part where I said "every time"? Because you see, for him it gave a sense of some immediate relief. But somewhere along the way I suppose he figured out that the pain was still alive and that wasn't the fix he'd hoped for. It wasn't what he truly wanted it just felt good to say it.

And while I don't wish to give you false hope, I'm just saying this may not be the end. You don't know what the following days will bring.

For so long your husband was in so much pain it crippled him. The pain changed him into an empty shell.

He is finding his voice again. I hate seeing a family torn apart. However, your son needs a father with a voice.

I will be praying for you both.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 7:46 AM, December 12th (Tuesday)]

My heart goes out to you. You have my prayers and hope for a better future for you. I know you are in pain and that pain feels all consuming. Death would seem better but it is not. Not only would your son and family be broken by your lose, but your husband would be devastated as well. We here who have gotten to know you a little bit would be heartbroken. So "this too shall pass". Your pain will fade and be replaced with love from your son, from your family and true friends. And yes, even us here on SI. God bless you and keep you as you go through this hard and trying time.

Your husband has told you what he wants, I think you should honor it. There is no reason to think you won't get 50/50 custody, though. He may want Primary Custody, but that's not likely (atleast in the US) unless one parent is just a shitbag or forfeits it willingly. Stay strong for your kid.

ASoCalledLife

My heart goes out to you, this is a hard thing to face. I've seen you try and work through your issues here and through you seen the pain your husband is in.

One thing to remember, you are on a longer journey than this one, and this may not even be the end of this particular story. This hurts like hell right now but if you keep pushing forward, keep trying to do what is right you don't know where the next turn will take you.

Your husband may be feeling like this right now, and maybe not tomorrow. Your Husband may need this and if so showing him compassion and empathy in what he needs to heal may show another step in your progression.

You Husband has told you he sees you as a good mother and wants to co-parent, that's positive.

And with all else think on Darkness Falls' story, they split from their partner and remarried at a later date.

All of that is to say, keep working, keep learning and keep doing the right thing best you can. Keep your head up and be the best you that you can be.

You will be okay.

Oh my God. This hurts.

Physically hurts. Not just emotional. I have been with him ten years...he is the father of my child.

I heard him crying in th bathroom this morning when I was getting ready to take my son to school. He doesn't know I heard. I know he is hurting too. This is a nightmare only we are both still awake.

I didn't sleep all night. I'm not going to work. I'm just sitting in the car in the parking lot of the shopping center across from my son's school. I can't go home because I can't stop crying and I don't want to cry in front of my husband and make him feel worse about his decision. He shouldn't have to console me when he's trying so hard to keep himself together.

I am ashamed to say this as it's probably just wayward selfishness and self pity, but the idea of just ramming my car into the side of this building is very appealing. If I do it quickly enough maybe my neck would snap. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to inflict more pain on my husband and I'm not going to destroy my son's life by committing suicide. And I know my brother and my mother would miss me. But if not for those reasons I would do it.

Thank you for bearing with my pathetic murmurings. I am just going to stay here in this parking lot. This feels like where I am supposed to be.

I destroyed the best person I know. Maybe having me out of his life will help him. Maybe it's best for him not to be saddled with someone as messed up as I am anyway. I want him to be happy. I have taken away enough of his happiness.

ASoCalledLife, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Please reach out to an IC if the pain becomes unbearable. I know your situation feels hopeless right now, but I promise you, you will get through this.

Do a Google search for Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs.

They have quite a story and ministry.

Oh and for God sakes don't take the advice I saw earlier about how now you can run to your AP and live happily ever after.

((ASoCalledLife))

I'm so very sorry that this had turned out this way for you. I have no words of sage advice that will help, and I have nothing that will help you to feel better. I wish I did.

Please try to find someone to talk to, some form of support. Perhaps in time things will shift again.

I wish you all the best.

I'm so sorry... yes, please reach out to an IC if you need to. Reach out here whenever you need to. It won't be easy but I promise, this too shall pass. It will get better.

Also, I wouldn't just hand primary custody to your H strictly on the basis of gender, though... don't feel like you can't have primary custody because you're a woman. I raised two damn fine boys with zero help from their father, so it can be done. It can especially be done in a good, co-parenting situation.

(((((ASCL)))))

ASoCalledLife,

This is awful, I know. I doubt that you know anything about my story, but I know about just sitting vacantly in a car, in the massive parking lot and a large warehouse store. It is okay to do just that.

It is okay also, to just walk aimlessly for a while.

Then, when you have done that. Focus on your child. Focus all you have on that precious little boy of yours. That is where you will get your strength. My 2 Precious People pulled me through each time.

I can imagine that right now you want to try and help your husband. From my experience, I had to do that by myself. When I got to this stage, there was noting that my XWW could do for me. I needed her to start caring for herself, as crazy as that might sound to you. I needed to see her beginning to heal from the destruction that my decision to D caused. It took some time but it came. And for both of us, it was 2PP that was the key. It was by focusing on them, and the miracle that each of them are in our lives, that we made it through.

You will make it through ASoCalledLife, just look back through this thread and see how many of us here care about you. We genuinely care about you ASoCalledLife, how many people do you know that has this many people that care about them enough to take time out of their busy days, Days when they themselves are hurting and dealing with this infidelity stuff, to come and spend time sitting and listening and comforting you?

You matter to me ASoCalledLife