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Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it

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DrJekyll posted 12/30/2017 12:11 PM

Great post, I have a couple things I would add to this.

There are multiple parts to admitting it. It's more than just telling the truth. For a lot of us, there is a real part of admitting to ourselves the totality of what we have done.

On getting it, I always used the idea of climbing down into hell with my BW. You don't get to this stage until you get past guilt and shame.

Part of living it is not just self acceptance and self love. But you have purposefully decided who you want to be. And become that person.

I wanted to share some of my fixing it examples. For myself. I had to confront my toxic family, I wrote apology letters and read them to my wife and children at dinnertime. I read and discussed many things with my BS. I looked at each wrong I have done not just relating to my A. But all wrongs, all lies everything for 20 years and addressed them. Each individually.

A message of hope for you.
The backsliding on things, (as long as its not going into another A) is pretty normal. If you look at it like the onion. You will go through this process on each layer. So it may feel like a backslide but it maybe just understanding a new depth. Also you are going to be developing new tools. And the muscles don't strengthen on their own. So if you are working on defensiveness and you find yourself being defensive. It can be a huge step just understanding that you are.

Peace to you all
Dr. J

Zugzwang posted 12/30/2017 15:54 PM

You write how I feel and what I have learned but way more compassionate than I. I hope your wife has gotten to the same level of healing as my own. It took me two years to get to the point where you are now. Keep posting and inspiring the new members to stick to it. But, it is great to see fellow "cake eaters" go through this journey and do some vulnerable honest and transparent work that pay off for some real emotional growth.

2timesunfaithful posted 12/30/2017 16:37 PM

DD, and Dr. J
Thanks for this post. Going back to your reference of we WH's are old cars, I think guys trying to fix things is a natural tendency and we can't fix certain parts of the infidelity. There is nothing we can do, short of inventing time machines and going back to stop ourselves from betraying our wives. My BW has stated you can't undo the PA. Would re-building be a better description?

The re-building part where we write apology letters, and work with our BW's. The topic of living it you offered is especially timely for me, i feel like I'm backsliding, and I am getting desperate. I'm not in the living it stage yet, still in the fix/rebuild mode.

Dr. J., the backsliding is something that worries my BW, and me too. I'm certain it stresses her out, and I want to assure her, and now I need to take those steps. I struggle with what is that next step? What level do we get to where there is no risk of it? Maintain constant vigilance, and if we get fatigued, then what?
I worry myself, as I know myself better now when I am getting frustrated, and I see it. Thanks for posting and sharing.

solus sto posted 1/2/2018 02:14 AM

Awesome distillation, DaddyDom. Really astuteóthank you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:18 AM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

psychmom posted 1/2/2018 07:33 AM

I wanted to thank you, DaddyDom, for this very clear overview of a path toward moving oneself out of the mindset of a wayward and toward a more authentic and mindful and honorable mindset and lifestyle. You provided me with some very helpful advice for my WH a year or so back. I read him some of your posts. Your words resonated with him, and I see from this thread they have resonated with others as well. I sincerely appreciate you being here and sharing your wisdom and knowledge as you change and grow. I think you've nailed this one. ☺

Lucky77 posted 1/6/2018 09:18 AM

Bump for islesguy

EvolvingSoul posted 2/20/2018 11:40 AM

Bumped for Lucky 77.

EvolvingSoul posted 2/27/2018 18:26 PM


YNWA72 posted 2/28/2018 00:26 AM

Wow. Strong words and well written. I need to visit this almost every day from here on in and try to keep reminding myself of the consequences both of what I've done and the work that is still to come.

Thankfully my BS is one of those full of grace and love, and although I'm mostly failing miserably at attempting to make this better, she still keeps us going along.

EvolvingSoul posted 3/3/2018 20:54 PM


ASoCalledLife posted 3/28/2018 08:57 AM


EvolvingSoul posted 4/2/2018 19:19 PM

Bumped for Sendhelpchicago.

EvolvingSoul posted 5/9/2018 19:35 PM

Another bump for the general good of the world.

pigpen64 posted 5/11/2018 21:49 PM

Sad to say I'm back here and I'm still this miserable shit.

Before... BS lives in the truck with me and we are out 4 months. All over the country, some "good" times, a lot of not good. Then there's the horrific ones that are my doing.

We talked about giving up the apartment, putting everything in storage and move into the truck. Why pay for an apartment that's not lived in?!?

This is the "new start"! This is the path to our future! Together! We haven't had cross words in weeks! Only problem with that is I never brought up the devastation I did. Never spoke of my affair or any of the horrible things she has put up with. She, on the other hand, is the model wife, lover and friend as well as an extremely hard worker.(flatbed is hard work). She is the one who changed everything in her life and move into the truck. Been my job for over 30 years and 9 with this company. But, what concessions have I made to accommodate her?

Yesterday, she asked me my opinion of where our marriage is and what reconciliation is happening. I stuttered a response about it not being good. In freekin limbo is where I've stuck us.

So, that leads me right into asshole mode and let the anger and yelling proceed. Why? She just wants to know where her life is going! What her husband has done to fix this shit!

Sit on my hands and take all she gives. What the living fuck? It isn't just admitting it! Getting it! Big 2x4s please!!!

islesguy posted 5/12/2018 07:27 AM


This is a great post and explains things very clearly. I feel like I bounce back and forth between these different stages but am never consistently in one with clear path forward which is where the self doubt and frustration come back to haunt and lead to complacency.

[This message edited by islesguy at 7:28 AM, May 12th, 2018 (Saturday)]

islesguy posted 5/12/2018 07:28 AM


I looked at each wrong I have done not just relating to my A. But all wrongs, all lies everything for 20 years and addressed them. Each individually.

Can you give an example of one of these and how you addressed it?

xLoveLostx posted 5/14/2018 06:26 AM

I had no right to do those terrible things, so I now need to put others needs before my own needs, accept the consequences of my actions, stop trying to control the outcomes, and do what I can to repair the damage I've caused".

I will save and reread this post several times .. Thank you for your insightful words. Everyday I will strive to show him the depth of my remorse and reassure him of the understanding of the destruction I brought into our marriage. Whatever it takes to help him heal and feel safe.

[This message edited by xLoveLostx at 6:28 AM, May 14th (Monday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 5/31/2018 20:45 PM


AnotherIdiot posted 6/1/2018 02:15 AM


...She is worse off now than 1st dday.
I will be having my 5th therapy with the new one on the 12th. He does challenge me. Only problem is I've started this too late, I fear. Conversation with BS yesterday, not sure if all good change came over night, probably wouldn't be enough to save our marriage. Too much damage done.
Not whining, just stating the awful reality done to my wife.

I am assuming Pigpen that there is more than 1 Dday. That will vastly enhance your problem at remediation and personal-marriage recovery.

As part of my maturation process and trying to rectify my crimes against my wife, I tend to iteratively pass through the stages listed by DaddyDom on this post. Life is mostly iterative - very few processes are linear. Don't feel ashamed or worried if you take 3 steps forward and 4 back at times. Iteration is normal and you have to persist. Change is based on iterative learning and takes a long time. Repairing a relationship is not quitting smoking. Rebuilding yourself is not fasting from sweets.

You are going into the core of what you are as a man and human. That will take some digging and some work.

For the record I don't believe in ICs - at least not until I/you fully understand what I/we are and have written everything out that has transpired, so it can be discussed openly with someone. Your BS is probably your best IC. Don't outsource your own problem solving to an IC. If you need some guidance on what to do, read some books and get busy with resolving your own problems.

TrustBreaker posted 6/1/2018 22:17 PM

Thank you D Dom. This post inspires me to explore all these phases and gives me hope for being a better me and a safer husband should my BW pursue R.

Iíll read this often to guide me on this journey.

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