SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, this is my first time posting. I am 27 and have recently found out my partner of 11 years has been paying for cam girls, messaging escorts and meeting them (he swears he hasn’t actually gone through with meeting them but i don’t believe that) we have been together since i was 16 and i don’t know a life without him.

Rewind to last year, i went away with my family for a short break. He told me he was playing golf even though it was dark out. I thought it was strange so i looked at his location. I don’t think he must of realised i had it at that time. I can see he is at an address for about an hour. I knew in my gut there was something weird about that. So whenever i’d go away i would look at it, and of course he went to the same place a few times and would never mention it the next day when i asked what he did. One day i snooped on his phone, (the day after one of these times) i found messages to a random number saying ‘are you ready’ and ‘i’m downstairs’ i confronted him and he told me it was just a ‘happy ending massage’ Obviously i was disgusted and distraught and he swears he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again. i didn’t tell him about the location at this point, as i wanted to see if he would do it again.

A few days ago i went on his phone and saw screen recordings of camgirls with the same profile commenting on there. I went on the website and guessed his password. I saw he has been paying for these camgirls for over a year and spent hundreds on them. The worst thing is many messages to escorts asking for in calls.

When confronted after seeing these messages on the website, I asked him about the time he said he went for the massage, he said that was a lie and he never really went to it he just didn’t know how else to explain the messages. I said that can’t be true as i have evidence you have been a few times to the same address as i used to have your location. Only then he admits he did go but swears he only went once. I then said no, i know you’ve been a few times as i had your location for a few months and i can see you’ve been a few times. He then admits he did actually go a few times but it was only a happy ending massage.
Obviously i don’t believe any of this due to the amount of times he’s given me trickle truth.

I haven’t got the strength to see him upset and he knows that. I said i need space but then he will have a full on mental breakdown and then for some reason i feel bad. I feel like he is using my kindness as weakness and also he is saying he has a porn addiction. It does appear he does but it also feels like a slap in the face. As he has only admitted things when found out, I’m devastated and don’t know what to do. He swears he is going to change and get therapy, give me access to his bank accounts and location, but i don’t know how i will get past it. We have grown up together and i don’t know what my life looks like without him. Is there a chance it could work or will it eat away at me?

Any advice would be appreciated, sorry if i have included too much detail here. Thank you to anyone who replies to me i really appreciate it ❤️

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Please get tested right away!

Most people would say don't make major decisions for a year. I say be prepared to leave him. If he doesnt show the slightest ability to change believe him that this is who he is and what he wants for his life.

Can you get over it? Maybe. If he is truly remorseful and oconpletely puts in the work and makes mayjor changes. You MIGHT get over it. Will it always bother you. MOst likely yes.

I had a partner of 4 years in th 80s who slept with prostitutes and lied and lied and lied until I caught him He gave me mutiple stds, + lice + scabies which i didnt figure out the connection until later. When I found out, i stayed for another year due to weird circumstances (his best friend bled to death in our living room) ... it only got worse for me as he continued even through this double trauma!!.

40 years later I am STILL angry about it and we broke up 39 years ago.

Please dont stay with him for the wrong reasons- his mental hrslth it the fact that you haven't been an adult without him are not validnreasosn for you to tie yourself to him forever. Are you going to be happy living a life of always policing?

It sounds as if you have no kids and are not married- Please dont entangle yourswlf mire and make it harder to get away later. Those man is not safe hr has endangered your health and lied to you for years.

Sending strength and love. ❤️

You are living with danger. Every time he has sex with someone he is having it with everyone the woman has. Then if he gets a STI, you get it. If you want children your chances go down with STIs. Look at your reality, not your hopes.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you. Please see a therapist who can help you deal with this is a realistic way.

So sorry you had to find us.

As LizzieJ said, get STD testing right away and don’t have unprotected sex with you Wayward boyfriend until he also is tested AND shows you the results. Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more, so verify he got tested. His attitude here will tell you a lot.

Dating is a long interview for marriage. He has been failing at the interview here for a long time. He lies (golfing after dark? Doesn’t even lie well), puts your health at risk, and is disrespecting you and your relationship.

Unfortunately he now knows how you tracked him, so he will block that soon if he hasn’t already. And he has already shown the very common WS behavior of minimizing to try to do damage control, so do not be surprised when you learn more has happened. (Minimizing is the "it only happened once"…until you learn more then he will reluctantly admit to more. ). And he is manipulating you with his tears b/c he knows you will cave in.

Read in the healing library about the 180 and implement it. You need mental distance from him to allow you to think straight without his manipulations. IGNORE HIS WORDS— he’s been lying and manipulating you. Actions are what matters. Has he set up IC (individual counseling) with a CSAT expert? What has he actually DONE to change?

Is there a chance he will change? sure. But he would need to move mountains and really change- and that takes YEARS. If you didn’t catch him, he would be continuing to ramp up his behavior (if he hasn’t already and just not admitted to it yet). And, gently, do you want to risk building a family with a guy who has been cheating on you for years?

Please read all the pinned posts in this forum and scroll back a few pages for the posts with bulleyes. Definitely read the posts relating to remorse vs regret. Read in the healing library. Look for posts about the 180 to give yourself that mental space. AND look for a trauma-informed therapist (IC) for YOU— this is a trauma and they can help you gather your strength to see things clearly and do what you need to do,
Meanwhile, ignore his words and watch is actions. Words are cheap, and he may be hoping you forgive and sweep all this under the rug.

Hang in there - you will get through this.

I'm sorry you are in this turbulent situation.

You can't envision a life without him, but is he the prize you deserve? Someone who has betrayed you for nearly half your life? Who is thinking so little of you that he may have exposed you to potentially life-altering STDs?

I gave my WH a second chance when he wasn't doing the work to change. Deep down I knew that, but I couldn't imagine being without him and was in love with the person I wished he was. When DD2 happened, I finally ended things and divorced him, but in the meantime I'd given him twelve more years of my life.

Don't be me. Wishing you good luck.

Hi there jxsjac1234,
So sorry you are here. I just joined as well and am in a very similar situation to you. Together ten + years and found out about OF and massage payments going back a year. It’s devastating to say the least. I don’t have a ton of advice for you unfortunately mine is very fresh as well but wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I also can’t imagine my life without my partner and so deeply want to be able to get past this. I’m angry/sad/heartbroken/pissed and ultimately feel so betrayed. It’s such a helpless feeling because the person who lied and cheated is the only one who can work and fix themselves in order to make the true changes needed to be able to move forward.
It’s unfortunate you aren’t able to get the full truth outright and I worry still there is stuff that’s been left out or watered down but it doesn’t change the fact that they lied and were unfaithful. It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s unfair for him to use your kindness against you. I also feel like I have been "protecting" my partner by not outright telling the world but I just keep reminding myself it’s for my benefit not his. Make sure you are putting yourself first and don’t feel guilty doing it because he was selfish in all his actions and didn’t consider you.
I’ll echo what’s been said, take care of yourself. Actions over words and I think the one thing that’s been helpful for me is knowing two things can be true. You can love this person and be so angry at them and their choices and how they hurt you. It’s a confusing mess.
Sending love
Xoxoxo

I’m sorry to hear your storey and sorry to hear your wayward can’t even be honest about anything it would seem.

Everyone has given you great advice and I’m sure there is still more to come. I came to say though if you do choose to leave (which at this point seems like the best option) you are going to to be fine.

My first husband and I divorced the year I turned 30. Definitely not the China holiday I thought I would have 😂 But like you and your partner we were high school sweethearts. Dating at 15, married at 21, first home at 23 and baby at 26. Then it all went to shit (he had an affair) and we divorced at 30.

At first I was so scared, had no idea about living on my own, no idea how to have my child on my own, had to go back to full time work and don’t even start about getting back to dating. But you know what, I did. I ended up getting promoted at work, getting some more qualifications and met heaps of new wonderful friends.

You are going to be more than fine if you go your seperate ways. You might even find your true self again - I know I did 💚

Thank you to everyone’s replies, i can’t tell you how much this forum is helping me. Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer me advice ❤️

I think today i am going to be firm in my decision and take some time away. We are living together so i will stay at my parents house. I have said i need space a few times and i don’t really seem to be getting it.

I really love him and need to try and not let this blind me when i make this decision, as me staying here is just actually making it worse for the both of us (im a total mess) he desperately wants things to go back to normal, but it isn’t going to happen…

I need to see some evidence of him taking the steps to get therapy or something. He keeps saying he will, but hasn’t looked in to it as far as i am aware and it’s been a few days.

Also i will go and get tested. I absolutely think it is more than what he is saying. The thing is, all the physical things hurt, imagining him doing stuff with escorts, the camgirls etc, that is one thing. But the thing that really has put a knife in my heart, is when i’ve been begging and crying for the truth and he’s still not given it me until forced to - i just don’t think i can get past that. I don’t think i want to be with someone who is meant to love me, and still lie to me in such an away to my face when i am so distraught. I know it’s easy to lie, but i just know i could never do that to someone. Can i really get married and have a child to someone who i can’t trust? I don’t know. Even if he does get the therapy and puts in the work. Like people have said, can i really live with that doubt in my head forever. It’s so hard and such an awful feeling.

Thank you again for all your responses xx

Quite often what kills a relationship isn't so much the affair itself as it is the reaction of the betrayer with omitting, lying, trickle truthing and continued deceit.

So sorry this has happened to you, too.

Perhaps this observation will be of no immediate help for your decision process but just keep it in mind as you weigh and consider the relationship:

Love versus Respect

Years ago, I read in some marriage guidance article how women want to be loved more than anything, whereas men want to be respected more than anything. Did you ever hear anything like that? In a situation like we have found ourselves, I am not convinced that is good advice or accurate at all.

1. Most sexually addicted/perverted men will loudly claim to "really love their wives." Probably the same with female sexual addicts, but I have no experience to say. I know I saw tears and behavior designed to convince me that this horrible betrayal I suffered was a one-off screw up which he regretted with all his heart. Except, the lying about how it got that bad continued - for 5 LONG years! Took time for me to see the reality of what his lying to me meant, through all our emotional storms. You are already dealing with that same reality.

2. Eventually I came to realize that this all boils down to a fundamental LACK OF RESPECT. There is a reason why prostitutes can end up being brutally murdered by their customers. The kind of man who gets off on doing this to another human being is the kind of man who lacks RESPECT for the other person - and that trait doesn't just apply to sex. It applies to the willingness to see the OTHER as equally entitled to the same RESPECT they think THEY are entitled to. On top of that, certain cultures promote this way of thinking.

3. Lying isn't only coming from their shame and self-protection. On a deeper level, it is about their deeply-held conviction that they don't OWE you the truth! Where does that belief come from? Somewhere, they learned not to respect the other person in their intimate relationship.

4. Your job is to sort out your need for LOVE from YOUR NEED to be RESPECTED. And I'm saying we need both! I do not subscribe to the advice we, as women, only need to "feel love!"

You are young enough to get away from this and re-establish yourself free of this kind of DISRESPECT so you can find a much better partner someday. I wouldn't wait around for this kind of man to get there.

I really love him and need to try and not let this blind me when i make this decision....

Very wise. Love is simply not enough to hold a relationship together. In Superesse's terms, IMO, you both need to love and respect each other. (Although I'm male, I want to be respected and loved by my w, and I want to respect and lover her. Without the mutuality, I don't think we'd have gone very far as a couple.)

Rebuilding a relationship takes 2. One partner simply can't rebuild a relationship alone.

Getting together at 16 ... I can understand not being able to imagine life without your partner. Think about it, though. There's a whole world out there for you to explore. There's bound to be something good out there.

I think you show a lot of insight into your sitch. You see and feel his manipulation (knowing you don't want him to be in pain). You are hurt most by the lies. You're doing something to get away so you can figure out what you really want. I'm sorry you have to deal with being betrayed, but your insight bodes well for your healing.